[delicatefade26]

I have been struggling very much recently...depression has been really bad and we have been dealing with trauma in therapy. I have been repeatedly breaking T's boundaries-texting and emailing...and T has been patient but firm with me. Well today was beyond inappropriate with my behavior and ridiculous-I had a bad intense episode and just felt like I couldn't stop. When T called tonigjt I asked if he was getting rid of me and he said he needed a break. I cried hysterically and pleased for mercy. We have now made a deal-if I contact him in any form outside of session. We have a session thirsday. I just need help. When I get into that space it feels so out of control but I don't want T to leave me. I wish I could have an app on my phone to prevent me from texting or emailing him.....any ideas on how to do this?!

[stopdog]

Delete his phone number and email address.

[growlycat]

When he said he needed a break, maybe T meant he needed downtime before your next session to process what might be going on?

[pmbm]

How about posting here each time you feel like texting or emailing your t? You can get some support and maybe give yourself enough time for the urge to dissipate. Or do something to distract yourself each time you are about to text or email. Write a page about what it is that you need at that point....or take a quick walk....or do 50 jumping Jack's...or drink a cup of tea or water.....or eat a piece of fruit....or nurture yourself with lotion that smells good...or wrapping up in a warm blanket....

[HazelGirl]

I agree with the deleting his phone number and email. Also, talk about why this is what you want to do. What are you getting out of it? And why are you doing it?

[delicatefade26]

Well, I wish it were just as simple as deleting his number and email-but it's not. Stopdog, you always seem so flippant and no emotional attachment to anyone-especially T's-so maybe that would work for you-but not me. I have both his cell and his work number and his email memorized. I did delete them from my contact but that doesn't just make it go away. I do appreciate y'all's advice on distraction and thinking about what it is I'm trying to get out of doing these things...I'm still trying to figure that out.
Right now I feel like I will email him on Thursday morning and tell him I'm sick and just cancel-because I feel bad about doing these things to him, he originally wasn't planning on seeing anyone that evening, and part of it I think it's punishment on myself...so I have another day to think if I will cancel on Thirsday to leave him be.

[anilam]

I don't see why he'd terminate over this. He can block you phone number/ mails should he really need a break. That way he'd see you only in session and you two can agree on a phone number (your friend/partner- so you have to take a break and go and get it) should you really need to contact him re scheduling... Seems drastic but it's better than terminating. Could work if you truly cannot (yet) control yourself...

Canceling seems like a bad idea you really should talk this out.

[HazelGirl]

Don't cancel. That won't fix the problem. You need to talk about why you do this. What things are you thinking and feeling when you get the urge to do it? What do you hope to accomplish? What "reward" are you seeking and/or getting out of it?

[precaryous]

I agree with Anilam. Canceling sounds like a bad idea. He has put this time aside for you within his boundaries. I hope you go.

[alk2601]

I may be oversimplifying this, but would it help to simply increase your support network outside of therapy? I mean, do you feel like it's only your T that you need to talk with, or could someone take his place after hours? For example, if it helps you, come on here and write to or chat with someone. PM me, I'd be happy to talk. Or call a crisis line in your area. I've never called one of those myself, but my co-worker volunteers for one, and he is so compassionate, patient, and caring. He really enjoys what he does and it sounds like most of the volunteers at those places just like to listen, even if you need to talk for hours. I don't know if something like that would work for you, but it may be worth trying once if you need to talk but can't contact your T.

[Leah123]

Perhaps it would help to focus your sessions for a while on stabilization and leave off on the trauma work. Trauma work can be very disruptive: maybe backing off a bit and doing some grounding will help you feel better, more in control and help ease the impulsiveness around contacting him.

[Lauliza]

I think it's really important for you to go to your session and ask him for help - ask him if he will block your phone number and your email. If you send texts he won't get them and I think emails will just go to a spam folder which her can simply delete. You are doing a great thing by acknowledging you have a problem with self control and telling him you want to stop. Threatening termination isn't helpful to you and it's clear your distressed and want to stop. As your therapist, I think it's his job to at least try to give you some tools to make a change. It is incredibly easy to do and at least keeps him from becoming overwhelmed or feeling violated and it takes very little effort on his part.

From what I've learned and know, any response from the recipient of unwanted texts or emails only serves as a reinforcer for the sender to continue. I've been there on both ends of the situation, not with a T but in other relationships. Completely refusing to engage is the only thing that I have seen work. Just be aware you won't get any responses so you you may get upset and the urges will escalate at first. If your T is firm and consistent, once he stops engaging with you in this way, your urge to do so will subside with time. Perhaps he can let you have his office number so you can leave voicemails if needed, that he can respond to in session.

[delicatefade26]

I wish I would be able to respond to you all individually but I'm at work. I did want to just clarify one thing first-my T never said that he was terminating me. He said that if the texting and emailing continued-we would need to take a break-while he figured out where to go with me clinically and the best way to approach this situation. He has boundaries already set up-but I keep breaking them-his responses have only been to state that I were to send one more text the break would need to happen. The problem is that recently, I have been feeling so depressed, that some of my texts were inappropriate as far as stating things like I just want to die. He explained in a patient and firm manner that he cannot have that type of text (that if I needed to go to the hospital I needed to go-but to not put him in a situation in which he might potentially not see a crisis. I am allowed to call him and tell him if I am going to the hospital-but it's stressful for him to feel like he is put in a situation where he might potentially not see a text, or be in a place where he might need to hospitalize me. He has told me many times that he cares about me deeply and that he wants me to feel better, but that he needs his boundaries in order to keep working with me. I get that intellectually, but there is an emotional part-that keeps on going despite what I know-and almost wants to push him to that edge....or that it doesn't matter what type of communication from him-I want it. I'm not sure-I'm still trying to figure it all out.
I agree that I need to have people outside of T to talk to or even just be around-because it feels like sometimes he has become everything important and it all revolves around him. I also want to take a break from trauma for a while and just focus on getting stable...I'm switching meds and it's all a mess.
I thought last night about using my work email instead of personal for all our exchanges so that it HAS to be only professional items-like setting up schedules....I don't know...I'm still debating about going or leaving him alone for awhile because I feel so bad about my recent behavior.
thank you all for this support and words

[lilypup]

Yes, there are warmlines where you can just talk. And of course, crisis lines. How about chatting on here? I agree with finding some other friends to chat with. Your T can't do it all.

[grimtopaz]

Perhaps next time you see him you can ask him for a referral to group therapy or a support group.

Also, perhaps a full-fledged DBT program? In "real" DBT programs, the therapists carry a pager 24/7 so patients can contact them if they are having a crisis.

Good luck.

Originally Posted by delicatefade26

. . . He said that if the texting and emailing continued-we would need to take a break-while he figured out where to go with me clinically and the best way to approach this situation.. .

It's really a very positive thing, Delicatefade, that you recognize you how difficult it has become for you to stay within the boundaries your therapist has set. Kudos to you! I do think, however, that your therapist, as caring and supportive as he is toward you, needs to shoulder the majority of responsibility for this problem. He has said to you that you will need to "take a break" from therapy if the boundary violations continue. What you and he need to do is sit down at your next session and state clearly what will violate the boundary and what the consequences will be for the next violation. For example: If you email or text me for anything other than rescheduling issues, your next session will be cancelled and we will reconvene two weeks later at our regular time to discuss what happened. If you repeat the violation, your next two sessions will be cancelled and so on.

I hear you saying that the texting and emailing isn't helping you; in fact, it's causing you a lot of anguish about being terminated. You recognize that your therapist has the right to say that he doesn't want to to deal with crisis texting and emailing. It puts him in a powerless position, questioning whether or not he needs to call the police to do a wellness check on you. Believe me, you DO NOT want the police called to do a wellness check! But if the texting and emailing continues, that will probably be his only option.

Maybe the two of you could agree that when you're feeling this desperate and SI, you will agree to go to the ER and call him from there to let him know that you got there safely. Then you and he could meet at your next session to talk things over regarding how that worked for you.

Your other option is to consider finding another therapist. There are therapist who allow crisis emailing and texting. From the way you talk about your therapist, I'd guess you don't want to do that and I think that what you really want to do is stay with this therapist. If you like him and feel supported by him, then go to your session and find a way you can honor his boundary but still get your needs met to be supported and nurtured during difficult times. I hope you two are able to come up with a workable solution!

[delicatefade26]

Well, this is not the first incident with my T where I have crossed the line in excessive communication. We have had numerous discussions about it-and throughout this he has set additional rules for when I haven't been able to keep to it-such as not having a session. I know it has to be difficult for him to manage this-because I truly am in a space where I'm more depressed/anxious and there have been times when I needed additional support-and he has given that-freely and without it being an issue or a boundary breaking act. What's different about what happened this week-is that I was just bombarding him....and it's obsessive in my head-like I can't stop until I heard something from him-and a lot of it doesn't even make sense. So he does feel stuck sometimes. There is the really factor of him feeling powerless if I were to text him something about SI and having to make the judgement call about to send the police for a welfare check. He says he doesn't want to make things more complicated and worse with adding police. I like the idea of having a real emergency plan in which if I feel I can't stay safe I go to the ER and then and only then...call him to tell him I'm there.
I would never want to have another T...we have worked together for over 3 years and have been together through so much-he has helped save my life-and has helped me work through trauma I never thought I could. He is a very skilled, compassionate and awesome therapist-but there are just realistic limitations to his availability (he has a full-time job-and then sees clients like me in his private practice on certain evenings and he has two sons and a wife). I think I want to start a group therapy-just to have additional support.
I keep feeling like I'm going to tell him I can't make it in the morning and Im not sure what that is about? shame? fear? wanting to punish myself? wanting to make him worry by cancelling and then no contact? I dont know....

[PeeJay]

Can you journal to a file on your computer that is reserved for the next session?

I had a period once where the crazy thoughts wouldn't stop. So I emailed the thoughts to myself over and over and over. Every time I had one, I sent an email to myself.

Then, I printed it all out and handed it to my therapist, who read it later. This was how I could communicate with her the depth of my downward spirals without making her have to deal with them in real time.

Edited to add:

I say this because if you are texting him that you want to die, then you might be in a downward spiral where your thoughts are hard to control and getting worse and worse. I've been there and I know it is terrifying. And in the moment, you just might want to be rescued. You need a place to PUT the thought, rather than sitting with it, and so you message your T because this seems to be the only person who can help.

(I'm extrapolating so please forgive me if I am totally off.)

Hang in there. It can be so scary, I know.

[delicatefade26]

Thank you so much for your words PeeJay...it is a very confusing, scary and weird place to be in....
I ended up cancelling my appointment this evening though because I'm not ready to talk about it-and I'm not feeling the best with the depression and just want to sleep. I couldn't get up on time to take a shower and get things ready this morning for it anyways...
I know it will have to happen...but right now I'm just very depressed and overwhelmed and tired with no energy : (

[delicatefade26]

ohh i really messed up now....I cancelled but then wanted it back and he said he gave that time away-but that he would see me over the weekend possibly-but I don't want a saturday appointment because I had one of those last week and I hated it-he wasn't in therapy mood it didn't feel like...so now I'm so upset and begging him to see us. I'm just so upset and I need to see him.............

[PeeJay]

Go on Saturday, if you can.