[growlithing]

I had a rough night last night. I was feeling pretty down and got drunk alone in my room. Again. I know it isn't good. I was having urges to self harm and the more I drank, the darker the urges got. It was never a full on sui urge, but just self harm in more serious ways. I ended up texting LCM that I might need help and she had me call her. Yes, I called her while drunk which is a horrible idea. She asked me what was going on and I just started babbling at her about my problems and how I feel about myself and my life. I was really harsh on myself and verbalized what I think to myself but never. Her response to this was, well I could hear her voice get heavy and I knew there was a look of pain on her face. I felt like I could almost feel her heart breaking which broke mine too.

She made a plan to keep me safe for the night. She told me I needed to drink water, get something to eat, and call a friend. We hung up. A little later, she texted me saying she had just realized that in order for me to get anything to eat, I would have to go out into the streets alone at night, drunk because the cafeteria in the building closed at 7pm. She said I should stay inside but I had already left by then. She got really worried and told me to text her when I made it back. I did. She told me to breathe and tell myself that everything is okay. I wasn't panicking. I told her I think she might be projecting because I was totally calm. She said I was right, she was super nervous, and said she'd try to get some sleep.

I feel really bad. I hate it when she is upset and the idea that maybe I scared her and made her unable to sleep makes me feel worse. I know she was probably shaken because she was upset that she sent me outside, but she was also really upset by what I said about myself. Sometimes I don't tell her things because I know it hurts her to hear.

[HazelGirl]

Even if something we say hurts someone else, it doesn't automatically mean it's a bad thing to say.

[PeeJay]

It's good to have someone who cares if you are hurting.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by PeeJay

It's good to have someone who cares if you are hurting.

Meaning it's good that I care when she hurts or good that she is able to hurt with me?

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by growlithing

Meaning it's good that I care when she hurts or good that she is able to hurt with me?

Good that she is able to hurt with you, and that you are not alone.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Good that she is able to hurt with you, and that you are not alone.

Yeah. I love her for that. I just wish it wouldn't keep her up at night.

[PeeJay]

Originally Posted by growlithing

Meaning it's good that I care when she hurts or good that she is able to hurt with me?

I meant it's good that she cares about you, and if it keeps you safer, even if you are being better to yourself to not upset her, then that is also OK.

I hope you can internalize that caring, like, one day take it in and not want to self harm.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by PeeJay

I meant it's good that she cares about you, and if it keeps you safer, even if you are being better to yourself to not upset her, then that is also OK.


I hope you can internalize that caring, like, one day take it in and not want to self harm.

Well I don't have urges to cut that frequently anymore because of her. So it's a start.

[A Red Panda]

Why do you keep having so much alcohol available to you? I thought you were on a budget or trying to save your money?

Do you keep track of how much you're spending on alcohol? If not, write it down on a list. Each dollar spent on alcohol is a dollar further away from being able to be away from your parents.

I'd try looking at it like that, to help curb the horrible drinking habits you've been forming.

Like... let's say you spent $10 on a bottle of wine. You only have that bottle of wine all week. That's $100 in 10 weeks, so about two months. In the what, 8 months, of university that's $400, which could be enough for rent for a month depending.

If you drink two bottles of that same wine in a week, then that's $800 you've just wasted.

I'm not sure if you're drinking hard liquor, beers, or coolers, but alcohol adds up really quickly.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Why do you keep having so much alcohol available to you? I thought you were on a budget or trying to save your money?

Do you keep track of how much you're spending on alcohol? If not, write it down on a list. Each dollar spent on alcohol is a dollar further away from being able to be away from your parents.

I'd try looking at it like that, to help curb the horrible drinking habits you've been forming.

Like... let's say you spent $10 on a bottle of wine. You only have that bottle of wine all week. That's $100 in 10 weeks, so about two months. In the what, 8 months, of university that's $400, which could be enough for rent for a month depending.

If you drink two bottles of that same wine in a week, then that's $800 you've just wasted.

I'm not sure if you're drinking hard liquor, beers, or coolers, but alcohol adds up really quickly.

Hard liquor. I'm pretty light weight and not picky about how bad it tastes so if I have a liter, it will take me about two to three weeks to get through it depending on how much rehearsal I have. I don't drink the night before rehearsal. If I were always paying for it myself, it would be about $15 a month or $120 a year because I'll buy it off the bottom shelf. However, I have a system worked out and I often won't be paying for it and then I will get better stuff and I will end up paying a lot less than $120 a year. I don't really feel comfortable elaborating on the system in a public forum. It doesn't involve theft if that's what you're wondering.

[A Red Panda]

The fact that you are working yourself out a system at all makes me worry about you heading straight into alcoholism.

And $120 a year is still more than $0. That $120 could buy you groceries. So you are still $120 further away from the freedom you want.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

The fact that you are working yourself out a system at all makes me worry about you heading straight into alcoholism.

And $120 a year is still more than $0. That $120 could buy you groceries. So you are still $120 further away from the freedom you want.

Yeah. I'm a little impulsive.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by growlithing

Yeah. I'm a little impulsive.

So make the choice not to be while you still can.

Everything you are doing indicates a crash course towards alcoholism. It's not just old, far slobbery guys who are drunks. They started drinking at your age (or at times, younger).

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

So make the choice not to be while you still can.

Everything you are doing indicates a crash course towards alcoholism. It's not just old, far slobbery guys who are drunks. They started drinking at your age (or at times, younger).

I know. I met tons of alcoholics when in the hospital. Most of them were my age.

I just don't want to deal with it. I know I kinda have to.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I know. I met tons of alcoholics when in the hospital. Most of them were my age.

I just don't want to deal with it. I know I kinda have to.

Maybe start by texting LCM when you're tempted to drink? Or post here? And explain why you want to drink in that moment?

Or find an AA group to go to that can give you resources to help you get out of the spiral you're in?

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Maybe start by texting LCM when you're tempted to drink? Or post here? And explain why you want to drink in that moment?


Or find an AA group to go to that can give you resources to help you get out of the spiral you're in?

I mean, I really just need to drink less often. If I only drank on the weekends, this really wouldn't be an issue. I rarely let myself get actually really drunk anymore. I figured out how to pace it better. I was trying to figure it out when I was posting here drunk all the time. I figured out I need to mix it and drink super slow. If I drink anything straight, I'm drunk. Even wine. Not beer but beer makes me puke. Guess it's something about the hops that just messes with me. But I can't drink anything really except for vodka here because well I prefer spirits immensely and anything but vodka smells a lot. I have to keep the smell to an absolute minimum in the dorms.

I was actually drunk last night. But normally I just get tipsy. I am trying to drink less. I'm drank about every other night last week which is better. But this week, I want to try only on Friday and Saturday. That would be a good goal and would probably actually be more fun anyway.

I would imagine your LCM cares about you and wants to help keep you safe. It was the right thing to do to text her because you were having a really bad night. Texting her at all hours is not an every day occurrence right? That would be too much to expect of anyone on a regular basis.

If you cannot control your drinking then please seek help at AA or with a counselor. Do you know why you drink? Is it only when you're having a bad day? You mention fun but it sounds like you are drinking alone. How much fun is it drinking alone? If you need to escape problems I can understand that but maybe a counselor can help you find safer means to deal with your life. You can have a great time being sober if you ever give it a chance. I wish you a safe weekend.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Risingtemp

I would imagine your LCM cares about you and wants to help keep you safe. It was the right thing to do to text her because you were having a really bad night. Texting her at all hours is not an every day occurrence right? That would be too much to expect of anyone on a regular basis.


If you cannot control your drinking then please seek help at AA or with a counselor. Do you know why you drink? Is it only when you're having a bad day? You mention fun but it sounds like you are drinking alone. How much fun is it drinking alone? If you need to escape problems I can understand that but maybe a counselor can help you find safer means to deal with your life. You can have a great time being sober if you ever give it a chance. I wish you a safe weekend.

I will text her often but not every day and when I do, it's for scheduling. This is not an every day thing by any stretch of the imagination. I texted asking for help which I've only ever done once or twice before.

I drink to make the memories go away or more accurately, to make myself not upset by the memories. I'm kinda okay with them when I'm drunk.

[granite1]

if you have figured this out then why are you still calling her drunk and posting and so on when drunk .it doesn't sound like you have a handle on it at all

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I mean, I really just need to drink less often. If I only drank on the weekends, this really wouldn't be an issue. I rarely let myself get actually really drunk anymore. I figured out how to pace it better. I was trying to figure it out when I was posting here drunk all the time. I figured out I need to mix it and drink super slow. If I drink anything straight, I'm drunk. Even wine. Not beer but beer makes me puke. Guess it's something about the hops that just messes with me. But I can't drink anything really except for vodka here because well I prefer spirits immensely and anything but vodka smells a lot. I have to keep the smell to an absolute minimum in the dorms.

I was actually drunk last night. But normally I just get tipsy. I am trying to drink less. I'm drank about every other night last week which is better. But this week, I want to try only on Friday and Saturday. That would be a good goal and would probably actually be more fun anyway.

Even being a little tipsy seems to be making your PTSD worse. You originally said you would stop drinking when you left your family's house, but you didn't do that. This is a pattern for you, downplaying the problems and allowing them to get worse.

[Bill3]

I drink to make the memories go away or more accurately, to make myself not upset by the memories. I'm kinda okay with them when I'm drunk.

This passage shows the critical importance of starting to work with a TT. I know that you are working on it. If you can't find someone very soon, please consider seeing a regular, but quite experienced, therapist. As others have suggested, the use of alcohol as a coping mechanism is very dangerous.

[JaneC]

I agree with what Bill3 says.

I'd also like to add, your pattern of drinking, your reasons for drinking, planning how to get alcohol, the impacts it is having on your life and the fact that you are making plans to try to control it are all very strong indicators that you have a drinking problem.

Not that you will develop one, you already have one.

I say this both as an almost 4 year sober person who had a dreadful problem with alcohol, addiction and behaviours similar.....but also having worked in the addictions field with clients.

You know this Growli, I see that you want to change, I hope that not only can you find a T to talk over your psychological challenges, but also are you able to find an addictions counsellor who can help you now? Now before this develops in to an even more difficult addiction to change.

It is great you will try to reduce to only the weekend, how about reducing how much you drink too?

Take good care Growli, and please, get some support with this.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by JaneC

I agree with what Bill3 says.

I'd also like to add, your pattern of drinking, your reasons for drinking, planning how to get alcohol, the impacts it is having on your life and the fact that you are making plans to try to control it are all very strong indicators that you have a drinking problem.

Not that you will develop one, you already have one.

I say this both as an almost 4 year sober person who had a dreadful problem with alcohol, addiction and behaviours similar.....but also having worked in the addictions field with clients.

You know this Growli, I see that you want to change, I hope that not only can you find a T to talk over your psychological challenges, but also are you able to find an addictions counsellor who can help you now? Now before this develops in to an even more difficult addiction to change.

It is great you will try to reduce to only the weekend, how about reducing how much you drink too?

Take good care Growli, and please, get some support with this.

I only have 2-4 drinks whenever I drink. So I don't think that the amount is a huge issue.

I'm not addicted to anything. But I am drink again. I'll jidy stop when I want to stop. There is too much stigma lagainst drinking when it's not really an issues. Gotta pick your vices because I'dnwe were healthy and made no bad choice ever, life would suck. Gotta make it worth living.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I only have 2-4 drinks whenever I drink. So I don't think that the amount is a huge issue.

I'm not addicted to anything. But I am drink again. I'll jidy stop when I want to stop. There is too much stigma lagainst drinking when it's not really an issues. Gotta pick your vices because I'dnwe were healthy and made no bad choice ever, life would suck. Gotta make it worth living.

Every night isn't a problem? Drinking and then calling your life coach isn't a problem? Letting your PTSD get worse by using alcohol isn't a problem? Using alcohol to escape from your pain isn't a problem?

You're an alcoholic.

And I am done speaking about this until you realize it yourself. You're on your own because it's a waste of my time while you insist you're fine and remain in denial.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Every night isn't a problem? Drinking and then calling your life coach isn't a problem? Letting your PTSD get worse by using alcohol isn't a problem? Using alcohol to escape from your pain isn't a problem?


You're an alcoholic.


And I am done speaking about this until you realize it yourself. You're on your own because it's a waste of my time while you insist you're fine and remain in denial.

Every night is a problem.

Drinking and calling her would be a problem but I didn't do that exactly.

Is it worse because of it or is am I drinking because it is worse?

Drinking to manage pain is bad.

So maybe I have a problem. It's just not bad enough to deal with. Idk. Maybe it is. When is it bad enough?

I'm sorry I'm frustrateding