Feeling imprisoned by T

I tried to take a long break from therapy the other day. His responses were so sweet; really, they were perfect.

It is starting to make me feel trapped, like I'm *imprisoned* by my attachment to him. When I was listening to his voice mails the other night with the intent to be helped with insomnia, I kept thinking how charming he seemed to me. There was nothing soothing about his messages; in fact, they were more stimulating than anything.

Sometimes I wish I had gone with a female therapist. While I know transference knows no gender, and my transference with him has been mostly maternal all this time, I don't think I'd have these problems with a female therapist. He has this alluring way about him that feels very intense for me.

My female T is not charming in anyway, but there is an intensity to my being with her which will make it hard to stop - how do people stop?

Isnt the problem faced by most couples, how to keep the love alive? After a while, doesnt love usually fade? I get that this is different, but would you be asking it of a regular romance, or would you go with it, knowing that soon enough, he will be getting on your nerves. So it seems to me like there is another reason for playing hard to get. What would happen if you just accepted and stopped questioning what was being offered? What would happen, or what is the next step?

That's really interesting... I think there's something similar with my T. It's not really alluring, and I don't have any experiences with him calling me yet. But, almost every other session it seems like, I want to quit. But I go in, and he manages to talk me off the ledge, so to speak. It's an intensity, I think, and an honesty, and a willingness to be direct and adapt to where I'm at.

Are you doing ok? You decided not to take a break then, I assume? Are you feeling ok with the decision?

if (%t% = accept love)

{outcome = "feel alive";}
else {outcome = "feel dead inside";}

lol..just messing around..
I don't know so I have to think about it. I guess the attachment drama would stop, and there would no longer be intensity. Maybe it's the intensity that makes me feel alive?

Yes, i'm much better now. I un-cancelled again. There is major conflict with the decision, but he's well-equipped to help me work through this.

Skies, could you talk to your T about this?

The times I have felt trapped or forced have made me want to run away more, to the point where my T has to be very, very careful with how she says some things, or I get these intense urges to quit and run away. She actually surprised me a few weeks ago when I had "quit". She basically begged me to show up, and I wouldn't have to talk about anything that was upsetting me. I was so surprised that I agreed. But she later explained that was because she was incredibly worried that I might continue to spiral downward and could end up suicidal. But she definitely stepped outside of what is normal for her, and what normally causes me to want to distance myself.

(((HazelGirl))) yes, it will likely be the topic of our next session. there's too much to discuss, always. T thought the same as me, that I need to come more often.

He always seems very object-relations-y to me; the last thing i'd expect him to do is beg me to come back or even ask me to reconsider. He had the correct therapeutic response as I see it. It was sort of like the non-controlling "set you free" type of response, which seemed so incredibly loving to me. (not saying your Ts resposne was inappropriate in your situation HG)

Hankster, about what you asked, i'm thinking that there should be rage associated with feeling imprisoned by him. I just can't access it. It's the damn introject again. Maybe what needs to happen is that I need to access that rage and integrate it into my psyche.

I wonder how much is related to things I can't control. I've told him several times that it seems like I have brain damage. Recently, some things came up that made me realize I have some sort of mental attraction to fear and danger....I think because of the mental arousal and stimulation.

One of my 'theories' is that being so neglected by both parents, but particularly when I was an infant, changed my brain's stimulation threshold. I remember feeling dissociated and dead as a child. My mother wasn't there emotionally or physically. But when my father was around, there was yelling and anger and fear. Even though I was ignored by him too, except when he was mean to me for reminding him that I existed, it gave me some mental stimulation I suppose.

There's no mystery to me why solitary confinement is the highest level of punishment in prison.

Well I gotta go but will be back. Thanks for the conversation everybody.

I think I sorta get this - I told my t not long ago that I wanted to take a break because I felt so emotionally bound to her, almost trapped in a way, she didn't really comment on my feelings but of course said taking a break was fine, although I did some really good work on my own and talked with her about it and now I no longer want to take a break. She has told me in the past, when I've mentioned that I hate being so attached to her, that I am looking for something very deep - I've been trying to figure out exactly what she meant by that and it could be both of two very different things 1) something that I've hidden from myself that we need to dig out and work through and/or 2) emotional intimacy that's close to what I share with her but in my "real life". I think I'm a lifer as far as therapy goes.

hang in there...

Why am I doing this? I want to quit. I want to die.

it's okay....all this T stuff is confusing.....

I feel this same way a lot. Before I met my T I didn't feel like I "needed" anyone, but now I feel like I need him. It's not ideal since the relationship costs money, and money I won't have for much longer. It's a bit terrifying to think that when we say goodbye it's goodbye forever, just because of the rules. My T has alluded to the fact we could keep in touch, but I know that means something like a letter a year, and probably a letter I send which he replies a couple sentences to, not really the same as actually being in a relationship with someone.

In some ways the transference has gotten easier but in some ways I love him more than ever. I found this the other week 3 Ways to Get Over Someone You Obsess Over - wikiHow. I'm thinking of trying some of these techniques. It seems especially bad for me because I have no "real" family of my own, and I have made him like family in my mind, which he is not. So losing him will be like mourning my real loss over again. All I can say is I wish I knew this going into therapy.

That article cracked me up. Some of the tips were useful though...

My thoughts/feelings are nothing like obsessive as they used to be, but there's still intensity all of the time. I think there are 3 'layers' of stuff going on simultaneously. That's probably why I'm finding that i contradict myself all of the time. It's much too complex for me to sort out. T will be able to though. I also think there's more to this than transference. Besides being safe and kind and intelligent and funny and in touch with his emotions, he really is charming and alluring, and really cute. So there's that....

What's going on in your therapy Petra5ed? It seems like you alluded to having to end. Am I reading that correctly?

(((skies_))) I can empathise. Just recently came very close to ending (and not simply due to being angry). I felt as though my heart was breaking and I needed to get out while I still could. Like you, I felt (still feel) trapped, very much attached (insecurely I guess) and needing but wondering how it all comes good in the end, and if it ever will. I also feel him as alluring and sometimes sadistic... in keeping me but not loving me.

Yes, lots of layers and confusion. It sounds as though you've really been through it recently - I wonder if you're on the brink of a shift/progression? Perhaps this is a bit of resistance before the shift? x

Thank you so much Sabina; you summed everything up perfectly! That is what it comes down to. Whether or not this will be helpful in the end is one thing that is the source of my conflict.

And the last thing you said gives me hope. I'm feeling a lot more optimistic now.