[ThingWithFeathers]

My t gets back from her break in just under a week, and I've learned quite a bit about myself in her absence. One thing I've realised is how alone I am and how I so desperately don't want to be anymore

I've always been a bit of a loner and had difficulty instigating friendships. Despite this, I've managed to attract one or two people into my world. I've never actually had a meaningful intimate relationship with anyone, but I do have in my life exactly 3 people I would consider friends. I tend to feel far safer around animals than humans, I'm really shy socially and feel on guard in the presence of others. Yet, I long to be able to trust enough to find and enter into a relationship, to share my life with someone.

But don't. I am alone.

On my bad days I wish I had someone other than my t to turn to. Am I the only one who feels this lonely?

No. You are not.

[ombrétwilight]

Talk to me if you want to! I'd be really happy to lend you an ear/shoulder/tissue. I don't know how to describe my social situation. I guess that has something to do with my mood and also who the others are in a group setting. With some, I am quiet as a mouse and painfully awkward; yet others know me as the crazy joker. I can even present drastically differently to the same person on different occasions and they always get shocked by the contrast.

I have 2 best friends whom I share 90% of my issues with. They're good at listening but I feel like I'm burdening them with my problems. I'm not a good listener IRL and don't always provide the best advice either, which I hate about myself. It's good that you have 3 friends - I personally prefer to have a few close ones than a bunch of hi-bye ones.

It's horrible that I can't even turn to my T on bad days. I don't contact her outside sessions except for scheduling because I just feel like I annoy her and she probably dislikes me but can't say it. When I do see her, the words don't come out.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Originally Posted by ombrétwilight

Talk to me if you want to! I'd be really happy to lend you an ear/shoulder/tissue. I don't know how to describe my social situation. I guess that has something to do with my mood and also who the others are in a group setting. With some, I am quiet as a mouse and painfully awkward; yet others know me as the crazy joker. I can even present drastically differently to the same person on different occasions and they always get shocked by the contrast.

I have 2 best friends whom I share 90% of my issues with. They're good at listening but I feel like I'm burdening them with my problems. I'm not a good listener IRL and don't always provide the best advice either, which I hate about myself. It's good that you have 3 friends - I personally prefer to have a few close ones than a bunch of hi-bye ones.

It's horrible that I can't even turn to my T on bad days. I don't contact her outside sessions except for scheduling because I just feel like I annoy her and she probably dislikes me but can't say it. When I do see her, the words don't come out.

Thanks ombretwilight I don't have any friends on here yet, though everyone so far has been really supportive. I can be here for youotoo - I am a good listener!

[wotchermuggle]

I'm the same way. I would love for some in person friends that I can genuinely connect with. It's hard being alone.

[StressedMess]

I have a lot of "acquaintances" and buddies at work. I am really close with my carpool-partner, whom I see as very maternal and I can discuss all my dirt with her. There are 4 women at work (I refer to them as "my village" most of the time) that I am very close with and could tell them most of my dirt. I have little to no contact with these people during off-hours; since I began isolating last year I just work, go home, rinse and repeat. Socializing is at the bottom of my to-do list, falling below cleaning out closets and filing old bills and even dusting!

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[LilacLime]

You are totally not alone in this.

I only have one really good friend in real life and one really good friend I met online a long time ago now. I feel like I can tell them a lot of things, but there's a lot I keep to myself too. I've never been one to share my thoughts or feelings, so therapy was and still is quite a challenge for me.

I've currently been having some issues with wanting more than what my T can give me. Like you said I really feel like this would be solved if I had someone in my life I was more comfortable with. In fact I'm 99% sure of this in my case because when I was with my ex I never felt this way. But what can you do? It sucks, but hopefully it won't always be like this. Also maybe you can find some comfort in the fact that there's a lot of people here in the same boat that are here for you. Including me.

Add me to the list. My dependence on my T has revealed some loneliness and a certain void where I'd like to have a relationship, but I don't have one. Talking about it on this forum can help at least put feelings to words, but I understand the frustrating feeling. The one person who I delve into all my thoughts with is the one person I can't cultivate a balanced relationship with, but that's the harsh necessity of therapy

[slbest]

Oh wow! I just stumbled upon this thread and being alone is something i have been struggling with for as long as I can remember and mind you, I am 24. I also don't have very many friends, but the friends that i do have are all adults. Now I am also an adult so that is more socially acceptable but when I was younger I had only like 1 maybe 2 friends for a short period of time that were my age. I too, depend on the once a week 50 min sessions with my therapist as a time i can be completely honest about how i feel, aside from the other adult connections I have. So when I am not talking with the adults I am connected to, I am alone, either in my apartment or in town. Even when I go into town and am around people it feels like I am one person alone in the crowd and no one takes in interest to talk to me. I actually would say that I'm not a loner, I love being with people but only when I feel worthy of being there and feel accepted for who I am as a person. On of the things I just realized I forgot to add is that I have a physical disability and use a wheelchair to get around. So I think that is a huge part of the reason I feel so isolated. Anyway, I could go on more, but I'm tired so please feel free to respond and/or message me, I would be happy to listen!!

[Bipolarchic14]

That is a good start! Realizing you dont want to be alone is the first step to correct that issue. I was in that same position. I was a loner, socially awkward (ok so I still am to some degree.) BUT I have made a lot of progress just by getting out their. I started asking people at work if they wanted to go to a concert and I was really afraid but now three years later I get excited going to concerts, theater etc. I have a long way to go but I can see the progress. Really the best way to get over this is to go out.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Originally Posted by LilacLime

You are totally not alone in this.

I only have one really good friend in real life and one really good friend I met online a long time ago now. I feel like I can tell them a lot of things, but there's a lot I keep to myself too. I've never been one to share my thoughts or feelings, so therapy was and still is quite a challenge for me.

Learning to talk about myself in t was one of the biggest challenges I had - it took a year! I'm a bit better now, but still find my emotions too hard to talk about.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Originally Posted by slbest

Oh wow! I just stumbled upon this thread and being alone is something i have been struggling with for as long as I can remember and mind you, I am 24. I also don't have very many friends, but the friends that i do have are all adults. Now I am also an adult so that is more socially acceptable but when I was younger I had only like 1 maybe 2 friends for a short period of time that were my age. I too, depend on the once a week 50 min sessions with my therapist as a time i can be completely honest about how i feel, aside from the other adult connections I have. So when I am not talking with the adults I am connected to, I am alone, either in my apartment or in town. Even when I go into town and am around people it feels like I am one person alone in the crowd and no one takes in interest to talk to me. I actually would say that I'm not a loner, I love being with people but only when I feel worthy of being there and feel accepted for who I am as a person. On of the things I just realized I forgot to add is that I have a physical disability and use a wheelchair to get around. So I think that is a huge part of the reason I feel so isolated. Anyway, I could go on more, but I'm tired so please feel free to respond and/or message me, I would be happy to listen!!

Thanks for your reply. Same goes here if you want someone to talk to.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Originally Posted by gwheatcubs16

Add me to the list. My dependence on my T has revealed some loneliness and a certain void where I'd like to have a relationship, but I don't have one. Talking about it on this forum can help at least put feelings to words, but I understand the frustrating feeling. The one person who I delve into all my thoughts with is the one person I can't cultivate a balanced relationship with, but that's the harsh necessity of therapy

I'll happily add you to the list!

[Partless]

ThingWithFeathers, you're certainly not the only one and I identify with several things you said about yourself, issue of wanting to trust someone but finding it difficult, not having the intimacy you want, being shy, realizing with your T gone that it would be nice if you had somebody else to turn to....

On one level being alone is part of life and part of the human condition. I think everybody experiences it at some point in their life. And certainly some people find it more difficult, and given past history of abuse or other difficulties, might have more problems initiating friendships or trusting people.

But on another level...screw rationalization, I want intimacy!

[StressedMess]

Originally Posted by Partless

But on another level...screw rationalization, I want intimacy!

But using this sentence as a jumping off point, intimacy takes too much damn work. Being alone is comfortable in that I don't have to get to know another person's foibles and what makes them tick. I don't have to guard my words and thoughts. I don't have to fear trusting the untrustworthy again.

Being comfortable alone is a skill I never learned. I am getting better at it, but that takes work as well. Codependency R Me!


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[Amandasmom]

I am also in your same boat. I only have one good friend and she lives 1200 miles away! Yes we talk on the phone or email often but that is not enough. I wish I had at least one friend here to go to the movies or dinner with. I been living here 12 years and have no friends. That's horrible! My T knows but we don't really work on it. Any suggestions?

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by StressedMess

But using this sentence as a jumping off point, intimacy takes too much damn work. Being alone is comfortable in that I don't have to get to know another person's foibles and what makes them tick. I don't have to guard my words and thoughts. I don't have to fear trusting the untrustworthy again.

This rings true for me, under different circumstances, in the after of the death of my spouse. I do miss the intimacy of my mostly happy marriage, but I also feel comfortable, almost relishing, the time I have because I am single. No catering to his needs. No fixing what he doesn't take responsibility for.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

This rings true for me, under different circumstances, in the after of the death of my spouse. I do miss the intimacy of my mostly happy marriage, but I also feel comfortable, almost relishing, the time I have because I am single. No catering to his needs. No fixing what he doesn't take responsibility for.

I'm sorry for your loss

My issue, unfortunately for me, is the exact opposite. I have never even shared one day of my adult life with partner. I have been alone. I know what life is like on my own, better than anyone else I've ever met. Now I long for the company of a companion. I've got a lot of fears to work through.

[Zippo]

I've had three relationships with creepy men in my early 20's and by 25 years old I felt so damaged I gave up. I'm 48 now and I never thought I'd be alone my whole adult life. I never wanted kids but I did think I'd have a soul mate, have longed for one, but it ain't gonna happen. I'm never attracted to anyone and I don't ever want sex again and most men do. My psychiatrist was my most intimate relationship for 2 years and when he moved I was heartbroken. Still am after 2 years. Devastated. I live in a remote location and only see people about 8 hours a week. I have excellent friends but none I would admit my sadness to. I am a farmer and can't go out a lot, too far to go to get anywhere, but I try to get out twice a week. It's hard to have so much alone time and few distractions. Thank gawd for reading and movies. Though often when I am sad I can't do anything but cry and cry and cry. Like today. But I'll try to go out today and help a friend move. I find if I go out and help someone with a job they can't do on their own I feel useful and it's a nice way to spend time with people and accomplish something.

[HealingTimes]

I am alone too. I often think how nice it would be to go for dinner/cinema/lunch with a friend..then realise I have no friends to take

[Partless]

Originally Posted by StressedMess

But using this sentence as a jumping off point, intimacy takes too much damn work. Being alone is comfortable in that I don't have to get to know another person's foibles and what makes them tick. I don't have to guard my words and thoughts. I don't have to fear trusting the untrustworthy again.

Being comfortable alone is a skill I never learned. I am getting better at it, but that takes work as well. Codependency R Me!

Oh StressedMess, I hear you! That first paragraph, exactly my thoughts.

I used to have this dream vision of intimacy, where you just get close, like finding your soul mate, you just naturally complement each other and everything goes so well.

But in reality, like you say, getting close to another person takes a lot of work! Heck it can even be a minefield! Even online or on this forum, I've said things (meaning well) that ended up upsetting someone and pushing them away. In a real relationship the same things happen. Everybody comes with their own history and their own baggage and their own sensitivities. I'm the same way! People can say things and mean well and it still hurts my feelings.

I sometimes wonder how real intimacy does happen when it does, when people get really close. That kind of trust must take years to develop. And so many hurdles to pass successfully. At least that's what I think.

[StressedMess]

Originally Posted by Partless

Oh StressedMess, I hear you! That first paragraph, exactly my thoughts.

I used to have this dream vision of intimacy, where you just get close, like finding your soul mate, you just naturally complement each other and everything goes so well.

But in reality, like you say, getting close to another person takes a lot of work! Heck it can even be a minefield! Even online or on this forum, I've said things (meaning well) that ended up upsetting someone and pushing them away. In a real relationship the same things happen. Everybody comes with their own history and their own baggage and their own sensitivities. I'm the same way! People can say things and mean well and it still hurts my feelings.

I sometimes wonder how real intimacy does happen when it does, when people get really close. That kind of trust must take years to develop. And so many hurdles to pass successfully. At least that's what I think.

Perfect! Real intimacy (the kind where the couple is celebrating their 50th anniversary, finishing each other's sentences, and holding hands while walking) has always been an ideal of mine. My relationships are more like battlegrounds, and instead of finishing each other's thoughts we were always trying to read each other's minds, and the only touching was violent or sexual, never just comfortable being together.

Yep it must be a true once in a lifetime experience, or else the rest of the world has much better communication skills than I do. Even online I find myself a "thread-killer" where the conversation just fizzles out and everyone loses interest in the topic after I spout off.

For me to ever feel safe in a relationship I'm going to have to seriously like myself, understand what makes me tick, and then I might have a hope and a prayer of finding my complementary partner instead of another disaster.

I figure by the time I do all this work on myself, I'll be so old and crotchety that nobody will be willing to take me on!️

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[Partless]

Yeah for sure. In my college for a short time I worked in a hospital and I still remember this older couple, must have been in their late 80s, watching the man help his wife put her jacket on, which took a while, but it was done in such a loving way, and with a lot of soft gentle touches (which were reciprocated as the two left the hospital hand in hand), that I wondered if I had accidentally walked into the set of a movie or something. Was this real? Was this possible?

Battleground comparison is so apt also for the environment I grew up in my family. It's this sense of not being able to feel safe and comfortable enough to let the guards down for long. Even my imagination is invaded by this lack of safety. I had gone for a simple medical procedure long ago and I was hyperventilating and the nurse told me imagine a place I feel very comfortable. She suggested a beach. In my imagination either the weather turned bad, I got very hot sand in my sandals, an emergency phone call, somebody's Frisbee hit me in the head, a couple arguing next to me loudly...anyhow, it was anything but relaxing!

Anyhow, totally agree with "For me to ever feel safe in a relationship I'm going to have to seriously like myself, understand what makes me tick, and then I might have a hope and a prayer of finding my complementary partner instead of another disaster. "

But not the last sentence, come on, don't break my heart, there is hope to find someone caring and kind.

I think many of us people who feel alone, were hurt by things we did not "deserve." Life can be cruel sometimes. But whether people believe in karma or other religious views or whether it's just randomness, in both cases I think most of us are bound to finally come across some positive things in our lives.

Maybe we get lucky and come across somebody who comes from a loving family, somebody with a really big heart who can be forgiving and open, somebody who knows themselves well enough and accepted their shortcomings, and a person whose love and care is strong enough to withstand our shortcomings and mistakes.

[HowDoYouFeelMeow?]

You are definitely not alone. Although I teach and talk TO close to 100 people a week, I am alone except for my T. She is the only person I can talk WITH.

[musial]

I can totally relate to this too. I am a "people person" in my work, with no actual people to confide in except my T. It hurts but I'm grateful to at least have him, because before last year I had nobody for a long time.