I was recently contacted by the T's office and offered a cancelled appointment. I hadn't requested to be on the cancellation list and I found myself quite put out about having been put on it.

I never request a place on the cancellation list, I always reject the option because I feel like there is probably someone out there who needs it more. I'm guessing they must have some sort of triage system for this kind of thing but I keep thinking that I'm not worth it. I feel like the only reason I was offered this appointment is because T hasn't worked out how worthless I am yet.

This lead me to thinking further and I've realized I am quite uncomfortable with therapy itself.

I feel like the reason I am in this pain is as punishment for being such an evil worthless person and so by attending therapy I start thinking that maybe I'm trying to get out of my punishment and end up feeling worse about myself for being too weak to take what I deserve. Then I hate myself even more for taking an appointment from someone more deserving.

Sometimes I think maybe my parents did the world a favour by abusing and ignoring me. That they were only trying to beat me into becoming a good person. That if they hadn't I would be even more horrible than I am now.

I know I self sabotage. When ever I start to feel a little good about myself I will seek out the nastiest BPD website I can just to remind myself that I'm a terrible person and that I don't deserve to be happy.

I guess what I'm getting at here is that is it possible because of the above feelings that I may be unconsciously sabotaging my therapy?

I've been in and out of therapy for 12 years and I'm still feeling like this, now I admit it (therapy) hasn't been a constant but surely I should have seen some improvement?

Maybe this is why I never seem to attach to my T's. I'm too scared they'll see the evil in me.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Yes, you are definitely self-sabotaging. Absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt.

You are not an evil person.

You do not deserve all your pain as punishment.

Your parents did not do the world a favour by abusing you.

I think possibly what you are doing is hanging onto the idea that you deserve this misery, and don't deserve healing, because then you would have to face the grief and pain and vast unfairness of realising that your abuse was wrong. The way you're thinking now keeps the grief at arm's length, and prevents you grieving for yourself.

I am so sorry that you are in this loop at the minute.

[substancelessblue]

Is it possible you are stuck in a victim identity? I do the same thing and it's really comforting. Because change is too scary. It means changing so much we are used to. I still have the thoughts you have, but the one thing I do is go to all therapy appointments. I don't know, I guess it's the easiest option for me. But remember therapy appointments are not too much to ask. It's just the T's job.
One thing my T tells me when I feel worthless like this is that I matter just because I'm alive. Sometimes that's helpful. She doesn't give heaps of reasons, just a simple one.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you're able to get away from the self-sabotaging as much as possible.

[HealingTimes]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

Yes, you are definitely self-sabotaging. Absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt.

You are not an evil person.

You do not deserve all your pain as punishment.

Your parents did not do the world a favour by abusing you.

I think possibly what you are doing is hanging onto the idea that you deserve this misery, and don't deserve healing, because then you would have to face the grief and pain and vast unfairness of realising that your abuse was wrong. The way you're thinking now keeps the grief at arm's length, and prevents you grieving for yourself.

I am so sorry that you are in this loop at the minute.

Exactly this! I find it hard to believe that I am a worthwhile person and that things which happened to me and how I was treated as a child, is NOT my fault, the same as it is NOT yours.

[ThisWayOut]

Originally Posted by HealingTimes

Exactly this! I find it hard to believe that I am a worthwhile person and that things which happened to me and how I was treated as a child, is NOT my fault, the same as it is NOT yours.

abuse has a way of making us feel wholly worthless and evil and like everything was our fault because of it. i spent the last 5 minutes of session today apologizing to t basically for simply existing in the first place...

from an intellectual perspective, i cannot fathom a reason anyone would deserve to be abused. but I hear you that sometimes it's hard to believe that we didn't deserve it. no one ever deserves to be abused or mistreated. you certainly did not deserve it.

what would it take to get you to a place that allows you to consider the possibility that you are not all those bad things you think of yourself?

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

I think possibly what you are doing is hanging onto the idea that you deserve this misery, and don't deserve healing, because then you would have to face the grief and pain and vast unfairness of realising that your abuse was wrong. The way you're thinking now keeps the grief at arm's length, and prevents you grieving for yourself.

I utterly despise the idea that there was no reason for what happened. I don't know why but it scares me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm holding in this giant mess of emotion and it terrifies me that if I let it out I won't be able to stop it.

Originally Posted by substancelessblue

Is it possible you are stuck in a victim identity? I do the same thing and it's really comforting. Because change is too scary. It means changing so much we are used to. I still have the thoughts you have, but the one thing I do is go to all therapy appointments. I don't know, I guess it's the easiest option for me. But remember therapy appointments are not too much to ask. It's just the T's job.

I tend to worry more that I'm taking it from someone who needs it more.

I see what you mean about change. There's something about feeling good about myself that just doesn't sit well with me. It's uncomfortable. Maybe because I'm not used to it?

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

what would it take to get you to a place that allows you to consider the possibility that you are not all those bad things you think of yourself?

I think part of the reason I have some trouble with this is because other people in my life that I have cared for have also been less than nice. It kind of reinforces the idea that there is something inherently wrong with me that people can sniff out.

I think it may end up being a loop for me in that while ever I dislike myself I will attract people who will abuse me but until I can find someone who will genuinely support and love me I don't know that I will ever find self worth.

Thank you, guys.

I guess this is another thing I'm going to have to bring up in therapy. The list just keeps growing.

[pachyderm]

How do you react to other people you see or read here who feel the same way about themselves as you say you do?

[Bipolarchic14]

I don't know what makes you think you are evil. Though I don't think it is possible for someone to not be worthy of therapy, it is possibly for someone to not be ready to do the work that therapy involves. Not to be answered on here per say but would you be able/willing to write down the reasons you think you are evil and write down the definition of evil and bring it in to therapy? If you choose to do this try to stick to facts. While it could be debatable whether you are evil or not, feeling like you are evil must be a horrible feeling for you to have. I hope you feel better soon.

Originally Posted by pachyderm

How do you react to other people you see or read here who feel the same way about themselves as you say you do?

I know what you're getting at lol And I know you're right, it's not logical but I think this may be where my narcissistic traits come in. I'm special. I'm clearly a terrible person these others are not. (No, I don't know why I'm more terrible than them. I just am.)

Originally Posted by Bipolarchic14

I don't know what makes you think you are evil. Though I don't think it is possible for someone to not be worthy of therapy, it is possibly for someone to not be ready to do the work that therapy involves. Not to be answered on here per say but would you be able/willing to write down the reasons you think you are evil and write down the definition of evil and bring it in to therapy? If you choose to do this try to stick to facts. While it could be debatable whether you are evil or not, feeling like you are evil must be a horrible feeling for you to have. I hope you feel better soon.

My own parents didn't love me. There must be something wrong with me for my own parents to hate me? (I know, I know. They have their own issues.)

I also know that the reason other people have used/abused me is because I'm broken and broken attracts abusers but it seems no matter how much I go over this in my head, no matter how little sense my feelings make I just can't shake this feeling that there is something inherently wrong with me.

[pachyderm]

My feelings of being a horrible person slowly began to fade when I told some people (therapists) what I had done that made me bad, and they did not react to it in the way I expected.

Not living up to our standards is pretty common among humans -- we are not necessarily forever condemned for it. We are all capable of making bad mistakes, if the stress is great enough. It does not mean we will always make bad mistakes. Learning just to do better is possible.

Originally Posted by pachyderm

My feelings of being a horrible person slowly began to fade when I told some people (therapists) what I had done that made me bad, and they did not react to it in the way I expected.

Not living up to our standards is pretty common among humans -- we are not necessarily forever condemned for it. We are all capable of making bad mistakes, if the stress is great enough. It does not mean we will always make bad mistakes. Learning just to do better is possible.

I can't pin point anything exactly that I've done to warrant my feelings.

I'm no angel, I know I have done bad things but I don't think (or at least can't remember) doing anything I would call really evil. Sheesh, I can't even say I really feel bad about them. (I really am awful.)

It's just this sort of innate feeling. (Maybe I'm ashamed that I don't feel guilty enough about the bad things I've done.)

My boss was having a bad day, so I bought her some flowers. She was grateful which made me feel good. The second I started to feel good I started berating myself because clearly I hadn't intended to make her feel better at all I was just making myself feel better.

Feeling good just has this taint for me.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by BeteNoire

I hadn't intended to make her feel better at all I was just making myself feel better.

That's OK!

[Bipolarchic14]

Originally Posted by BeteNoire

I know what you're getting at lol And I know you're right, it's not logical but I think this may be where my narcissistic traits come in. I'm special. I'm clearly a terrible person these others are not. (No, I don't know why I'm more terrible than them. I just am.)


My own parents didn't love me. There must be something wrong with me for my own parents to hate me? (I know, I know. They have their own issues.)

I also know that the reason other people have used/abused me is because I'm broken and broken attracts abusers but it seems no matter how much I go over this in my head, no matter how little sense my feelings make I just can't shake this feeling that there is something inherently wrong with me.

I think it's important to realize you are a victim. The people who abused you are the evil ones. Do you think other people who gave been victimized are evil too?

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by BeteNoire

Maybe this is why I never seem to attach to my T's. I'm too scared they'll see the evil in me.

This is a very real fear. I let my "evil" cat out of the bag, and my T has lost all caring for me, is put off by me. Says she can't care about me and doesn't like me bc I am all teeth and nails. She's the only T I ever attatched to, and I wish to god I hadn't, bc it really hurts now.

[Bipolarchic14]

Originally Posted by InRealLife45

This is a very real fear. I let my "evil" cat out of the bag, and my T has lost all caring for me, is put off by me. Says she can't care about me and doesn't like me bc I am all teeth and nails. She's the only T I ever attatched to, and I wish to god I hadn't, bc it really hurts now.

Your therapist does not sound very professional. Maybe you should try to find a new one. I am not sure what kind of therapy you do. Is it necessary to become attached to your therapist for the things you need to work on. I know I found myself attaching and had to fight against it because it really was not necessary for what I needed to accomplish.

[InRealLife45]

No she's not a great t anymore, at least not for me. Working on it though ...

[precaryous]

InRealLife, I'm thinking of you.