T just for support?

I made some huge healing milestones and things feel way different now. I don't want T's advice, actually, I never really did. I just want her support. I used to go along with her guidance when I couldn't admit that all I wanted was her support. I want her to honestly tell me how she feels about me, us, and the issues I bring up. That's what I need to get better, not advice, not guidance. Do you think this is fair to expect from a T? She admitted she's being vulnerable when sharing her emotions but the reality is if she can't commit to providing that I pretty much have no use for her services anymore :/ I mean I like her and I'll miss her but now I'm thinking like, I don't want to play games anymore, I want what I want, you know??

dark_sweetie, wow you ask some really difficult questions. I will try to explain why it is so difficult. Everyone defines support, guidance, and advice differently. It is kind of confusing because even every T is different in how they relate to a client. I'm not sure what you expect from her.

I would want support and guidance from my T. Maybe I just define these words differently. I understand that they must keep a certain distance.

I don't think I helped at all but I am hoping someone else can relate to your situation.

Hi sideblinded

sorry if I was unclear. I meant, basically, I want her to listen to whatever I have to share as much as I need, I want to be in charge of my treatment, the method and our agenda, and I want her to give me honest feedback about how she's feeling about me and my issues.

But, either way, it's still all about my issues, my needs, and my health, so it's not really about distance, but I don't know if she will be comfortable with it, or if I'm asking too much? I just want a safe relationship that can be transparently and honestly processed and analyzed between both of us, that's all... :s I can't do that if she is hiding her feelings and reactions.

Questions:
Why do you feel like you need to have complete control?
Do you actually "need" to have this much control? Or is it simply safer, but not what you need?
Do you need a friend or a T?
Are you trying to have too high of expectations in order to push her away?

Ts usually specialize in certain areas. If your T doesn't use x modality, then she doesn't use it.

I expect my T to be open and honest. I expect her to respect my boundaries. She expects the same from me. But...therapy isn't about my T; it's about me. I tell my T all the time that if she wasn't an important part of therapy, then "I might as well talk to a wall". She always laughs at that. But it's a fine line. Therapists should have boundaries. They shouldn't be 100% transparent.

I think wanting honest feedback about your relationship and your progress is okay to expect. But not all Ts are like that. Feedback about how she feels about you, again up to her, but I'm not sure that is common for Ts to do.

I lead the conversation. I help determine my treatment plan. But I take advice and direction from my T (and other doctors). If I could do things on my own, I wouldn't need my treatment team.

And therapist often give support via advice and guidance. Makes me think you need a friend and not a T.

But, then again, I do know some people here have Ts who don't offer advice or guidance, but simply listen. The only way you're going to find out is talking to your T.

Make perfect sense to me. That's why I am no longer in therapy :-) and I doubt I will ever be as long as it's being done the way it's been done so far and not how I want it to be done.

It sounds like you want therapy to be done similarly to how I would want it, but I define it differently. In my book, I call it "presence" not "support". I would need the therapist to be very present in the room with me, my story, my state of mind, my hopes, desires, fears, aspirations etc. This presence would include many things: careful listening and trying to understand me on my terms while at the same time sharing his/her (the therapist's) honest feedback on how he/she sees me and my situation so I would get some alternative vision and not be stuck in my own inner world. It would also include kindness and respect for me and also a healthy distance. While I want the therapist to understand my pain and to empathize with me, I don't want them to get emotionally involved to the point that they will lose objectivity so their ability to hold their emotional balance and a certain distance is paramount to me.

"Support" to me is something different. It's more about comforting and making me feel better. While occasional support from the therapist certainly wouldn't hurt, especially when I am in crisis, I would NEVER go to therapy primarily for support. Support is something I prefer to get from friends on a regular basis, not from a therapist. The idea of paying for something that is one of the fundamental blocks of humanity such as support sounds disgusting to me. If we want to keep our humanity, giving and receiving support should never become a "service" for which you have to pay. By the way, I did have a therapist who gave me nothing but support and admiration, and, as good as it felt at the time, the result was disastrous. I was traumatized as a result and was in NO WAY in control of my therapy.

So, yeah, I get what you are saying. It makes perfect sense to me. It just seems like we define it differently. You call it "support", and I call it "presence". In any case, if we are talking about the same thing, good luck getting it from any therapist :-). It's contrary to their training, so I doubt you'll get it from any of them. As I said, I got disillusioned in the ways therapy is conducted and when I realized that I wouldn't get anything different, I gave up on therapy all together.

Ididitmyway,

The way you describe "presence" is basically how it with my T mixed in with how you describe "support". It does exist. An ex-T of mine was the same.

I think OP wants more of your definition of "support" than "presence"...least that is my interpretation. I agree with you that if anyone is looking solely for support in therapy, they should go make a friend, not pay a T.

This is such an interesting thread, I love what I did it my way said. Since starting therapy a few months ago I have been so surprised to receive 'advice' from my T, she has started sentences with 'you should...' I hadn't expected to hear her opinions on how to live my life. I have come to terms with it by reflecting that she is being authentic and genuine, rather than keeping her views to herself, and that if she didn't speak her views they would somehow be present in the room anyway perhaps in questions she asked or things she said. I think that if I was a therapist I would do it completely different to my T, perhaps more like I did it my way describes, I would certainly spend more time exploring the things Clients say to get a better understanding, and less time giving views. I'm not so sure about the distance. I'm unsure whether, if the T is 'close', whether perhaps the therapy is more healing? I don't know how to define close, but I feel my T is close.

Dark sweetie I certainly think you could expect what you ask from a T, I'm not sure I entirely know what you mean by her sharing her emotions - do you mean like if she feels angry? I consider that my T is vulnerable in the room with me and is comfortable being vulnerable.

I just have the woman sit there. I don't know if she is supportive or not or if she thinks she is being (my guess would be she thinks she is and I don't know what that means so it is wasted a bit on me) - for me, I just want her to stay back and keep her emotions to herself. I certainly don't want her guidance or advice on anything. I do not have a "treatment team" - I am not being treated for anything. I do not believe everyone wants or needs the same thing or seeks out a therapist for the same reasons - that does not mean the person should go talk to a friend instead of a therapist. I don't think I define supportive the way others have explained it on this thread.

Not sure I have all of what you want here, but my T doesn't lather on advice and I'm happy about that. We've even discussed his lack of instructions and homework for me, deciding I'm past needing that. I'm more than capable of making my own life decisions, sometimes I ask his opinion, but otherwise he is more of a moral support/ emotional dumping pit. I agree with you though, I want to know his personal feelings about me, about our relationship, about how I'm conducting my life. Sometimes he shares them, but I know he holds things back. For example, I don't know how he reacts to my attraction to him, I wonder if he shares my feelings about that... I don't think he will ever say. He's said I don't make him uncomfortable, and I have a gut feeling that's not true . I suppose what it seems like is he shares his positive feelings (shy of saying he's attracted to me) but withholds any negative, which I'm sure there must be.

I have a really tough treatment resistant depression. My T has had to accept that he can't "help" me the way he would help other clients. I know it frustrates him to see me hurting. We've come to a place where I can vent and he is okay with it (in the sense of accepting the situation as it is). Last week I yelled and screamed and then stormed out. This week he was like, 'Yeah, I didn't take it personally. If what you need is to scream at someone for an hour, I think you've earned it."

So, that's a roundabout way of saying that I think you can find that place with a T. Whether it's this T or another.

(I will add he's never been advice driven, just reminds me to be skillful as he's DBT trained which is sometimes maddening and sometimes helpful LOL. And sometimes he gets yelled at about it and now it's a point of humor between us).

My T gives me support and advice. He shares his thoughts and opinions - but his feelings are truly his own to keep to himself. We can't help how we feel about others, and I can't imagine trying to pressure him to share his feelings about me. It'd be taking too much of a risk to push him into either revealing things I don't want to know, or lying. So I wouldn't put that on him.

But his thoughts and opinions he shares with me - but those are his professional thoughts and opinons.

If I wanted his personal thoughts, opinions and feelings, then he wouldn't be my therapist - he would be a friend.

That said, the support and advice he gives me demonstrates a lot. The advice he gives are suggestions showing me his opinion on how he interprets my life and actions.

Therapists really do need to separate their professional-selves, and their personal-selves. If you're wanting her personal-self to be present then you'll probably be best moving on honestly, because that isn't fair to ask her as that's not her job. Sure, her professional and personal self would have lots in common, but if you want solely personal then that's a friendship.

This is an excellent summary. If I was as articulate as you are, my post would have been almost identical to yours, but I guess I just wasn't able to make myself clear. Yes, my T's feelings about me would not be something I would like to know. I assume that any T who works with me doesn't actively dislike me, or else they wouldn't be able to work with me and that's just about all I need to know. Other than that, I am only interested in their honest thoughts and opinions about my situation provided that they come from a neutral observation, not from a moral judgment. Personal and professional for me are clearly separated and I would not want to mix them. That is not to say that kindness, respect and compassion are not a part of being a professional, because they are. There is no contradiction between treating a client with dignity, respect and kindness and relating to them professionally. It's the mutual sharing of feelings that breaks the professional boundary which is not ok with me. And, unfortunately, it is so common and so much normalized among professionals. It's almost like many of them go into the field to fulfill their own emotional needs they can't fulfill otherwise in their personal lives.

It's great that you have that option, other people don't and I am sure that they still have their humanity,too. Never is a strong word.I also don't think that they are disgusting, or what they are doing is disgusting, or that their therapists are disgusting.

If you need support, guidance, answers, you see a therapist. If they don't handle your problem, they will refer you. It's up to the therapist to evaluate your needs and decide if they can help you or not. I don't see any problem in going to a therapist for support.

I want a cheerleader, I want a sounding board, I want a swift kick in the pants, I want to be heard and understood, I want to be challenged and I want to be accepted. I want some of these all the time, but never all of these at the same time.

So if she can figure out how to work with someone who has no clue what they want or need, she's awesome!

Advice, on parenting skills and assertiveness. Guidance, on how to get to the root of my problems, which roads are dead ends and which have potential to get me where I want to be. Encouragement that I'm making good choices, even if they aren't always the right choices, and how to spot warning signs before making mistakes. Supports and will listen and not judge, guidance when I say "I'm at the end of my rope, what else can I do?"

Hope that made a tiny bit of sense.

Thanks for your replies guys. A lot of good discussion and points raised. I mostly like the idea of "being present." I just want to say that, I don't expect my T to be more than a professional to me, or reveal feelings that aren't relevant to our interactions. I'm not asking her to care if she doesn't, I want anything BUT that. I also don't want her to hide it if I'm hard to like. Her real opinions vs my perceptions help me learn about my stuff, and I need to hear it, not just let it mull around in her head where she won't say it. I just want her to be human, and honest, in a professional framework. Therapy wouldn't help me if it was me the exhibitionist and her the voyeur. Nor would it help me if it was me, the insecure and lost, and her, who points the way. It was that for a long time and it didn't help me that much until we were both real and vulnerable, then I started progressing so fast. I am a human being. I can't be fixed by a person who won't be just as human with me. Friends are great, if you have great friends, but they don't offer the same safety and commitment to your issues. I can't process stuff if I'm doing it with even a shred of guilt for taking up someone's time.

I guess it's to each their own.

My T agreed that this seems to be what is working for me, so I feel better.

Makes perfect sense to me. I am glad your therapist agreed to work in the way you need her to. Consider yourself lucky. When I tried to express the same need as you have to my therapists, they turned it into my "issue" that I supposedly was unwilling to recognize and to work on. They refused to see it as a healthy human need for an honest feedback delivered in the humane and yet professional manner. They proceeded with the same exhibitionist-voyeur dynamic void of normal healthy human interactions and human connection, which was driving me nuts.

And you are right, friends, no matter how great, are not committed to your well-being, as they are not supposed to, because it's not their role. That's why I am a bit uneasy with the word "support" because this word to me is associated with friendship more than with the professional relationship specifically designed to help me sort out my personal struggles. Support to me is more like comforting me and cheering me up during difficult times, and presence is more like facilitating my process through focusing the entire attention on me in order to understand me and to help me understand myself. They are not clearly separated. There are elements of support in therapy. I certainly would like my therapist to express support when I struggle. I just don't want it to be the main part of therapy. Vice verse, friendship has elements of presence. I want my friends to be fully present for me every once in a while, but I won't expect them to do it regularly, as to me this is not their primary function as friends. Hope, this clarifies what I said previously.

This I can relate to. I don't want my T to be neutral. I want her to be her. I need it. Part of my therapy is learning how to interact with others. I need to practice reading cues and I need to know how my words and actions come across to others. That requires her being open and honest. I don't want to be "tolerated". If I do something to make my T mad, sad, hurt, or frustrated, I want to know and I want to know why. Those are her emotions that she has to deal with, but to know when and why those emotions came up is beneficial to me. The truth often hurts, but I can't progress if it's avoided. But since she is also a professional, it is the safest place for me to learn these lessons and process them.

I don't know if this is common for therapist to do. They have to walk a fine line. They have to maintain professional boundaries, while being transparent (I think you used this word in your original post), while also being there for the client. I know my T said that she normally doesn't do this with other clients, but I have already been through enough "typical" therapies that they won't help me at this point.

But what I like is that even though she gives advice and/or direction, they are things that she actively uses in her life. Many of my coping skills are skills that she uses. For me, I appreciate it because she is in a sense modeling how to live a healthy life. It's not information from a book, but rather from her own experiences.

Even this last week we were talking about early childhood. She said that I was probably an emotionally sensitive child. She said that she was a very anxious child. It's just who we are. She still suffers from being overly anxious, but she's learned to cope with it. Her relating to me is helpful. For one, it's admitting to her imperfections. It also reassures me that I'm not "broken" and that there is hope that I can learn to cope with my natural tendencies. But she didn't cross any boundaires either because the discussion was always related back to me.

I feel like my T is a mirror to me. She shows me reality; not some distortion or an ideal that can't be achieved. I don't want the answers. I just want truth.