Great. My first post disappeared. Perfect.

Well I told him everything. I sat down and told him how I was mad because I he didn't suggest two sessions per week. I told him I really want to see him twice per week, but I'm not sure if it's because I really need to, or because I just want to be in the same room with him because of my attachment. He told me that it was okay to be mad at him for this, and that maybe he was in the wrong for not seeing this, and making the suggestion. He said that although it was okay to get mad outside the session, it's also alright for me to get mad in the session. He said that although I'm getting more comfortable, he can tell that I don't feel completely safe yet, seeing as though it was so difficult for me just to ask for more sessions. He's right. The best part was this, though: He said that of course we can have more than one session per week. And we can work on figuring out the reasons as to why I want to come more than once. He said that although our schedules might not always allow us more than once per week, especially at the present time, we can work on coordinating this in the future.

The worst part: In light of the post: "How often does your therapist cancel?" Well, he finally did. He said he won't be there next Tuesday or Friday, which are the only nights I can come. However, I forgot that I took off from work on Wed. and Thurs. this week. I never asked him if he had any open slots on these days. Now I'm not supposed to see him til the 30th and I don't feel like I'm going to make it.

I feel like I'm going through one of my hypomanic episodes. I just checked my bank account and it decreased $600 in 3 days. I know I payed a few bills, but not $600 worth. I'm not sure what happened. I know I have been impulse spending, but I had no idea how much I've been spending. My husband and I are closing on our new house this Wed. I'm supposed to be saving, not spending. I feel agitated, irritable, and restless. Pressured speech, talking loud, staying up late on work nights... My husband keeps having to say, "Shhhhh.. I'm right next to you." I thought I was supposed to feed good, excited about the new house... but I just don't feel well. Where did my money go? I had to take Klonopin today just to rid myself of the horrible agitated, restless feelings.

I don't know what to do. Do I call T tomorrow because I'm feeling awful and then ask him if he has any openings on Wed. or Thurs? I hate calling, and I feel like a total idiot because he said he wouldn't be here for on Tue. or Fri... I feel like I missed my chance-- I should have asked then. I don't even feel like I can make it to the 30th without seeing him, I hate hate hate hate needing him so much. But I'm not feeling well and when I feel this type of irritability I do stupid things (i.e., SI) to ease the agitation.

See, this is what I've been talking about... It felt good to be so open with him, but now it feels so bad. The more I open up to him, the more intense the relationship becomes, the more emotionally invested I get, and the worse it feels when I need him so bad. And I hate, hate, hate, hate, needing him so bad.

[purplemoon]

((((Pinksoil))))

Oh sweetie - I so understand. I went through the battle of being so so needy of T last weekend but refusing to call. Fortunately I had a friend that called for me. I was truly in crisis. Please don't let it get that bad. Call him and let him know that you are available different days this week and would like to schedule an appointment. But if you need him before that please call him. I know it is easier for me to say than to actually do. But that is what T are for and they are able to handle all of this. How I don't know.

There are times after I take a big leap with my T like you did that it upsets me so much afterwards. I told him that once and he told me to call when that happens. It is so scary to be so vulnerable. It goes against my every grain of being. But that is how we progress. Just know that I am here for you.

[Becca07]

(((pinksoil)))

Good for you for telling your t that! I'm not yet at the point where I could say that, plus the money for the sessions is coming out of someone else's pocket, so I'd feel guilty about upping the cost.

I vote for calling, even though I hate sounding like an idiot because I don't have my schedule straight.

[bipolar_bear]

Give your t a call and see what he has open. Just tell him you had something come up and you will be available those two days. I am sure he will be happy to see you if he has openings on those days. I am sure he understands that you are upset about missing a whole week especially when you were talking about increasing to possibly twice a week. Good luck.

[sunrise]

I think this sounds like a very positive session! You told him you wanted 2 sessions a week, he's open to that, and will work to make it fit into your schedule. Sounds great! You were very brave.

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Do I call T tomorrow because I'm feeling awful

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I say go ahead and call him up to ask for a session this week on Weds or Thurs. Just tell him you usually don't have those days open but this week you will. Pinksoil, it seems like you've done the hard part in telling him that you want 2 sessions--the phone call seems like it would be easier than that? Just tell yourself you already did this really hard thing, you can do the phone call too! (((hugs))) It also seems to me that you are not necessarily needing a session this week because you are feeling awful, but just because you are used to having one session a week and need it. You're just asking for a rescheduling of your regular session this week. You don't need to justify your request by saying you feel awful! (((more hugs)))

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He said that although I'm getting more comfortable, he can tell that I don't feel completely safe yet, seeing as though it was so difficult for me just to ask for more sessions.

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Hmmmm, that's really thought provoking to me. I always feel like I have this great relationship with my T, and I often feel very safe there. But I guess I must not really feel safe or I could ask him for more sessions?

Ugh, I can't believe myself. I feel so stupid calling him. I haven't done it yet. What if he's really off the whole week? Then I'll feel even stupider. Or if he is there, but he has no available slots on Wed. or Thurs.

It's funny because if this was my chiropractor or something, I'd have no problem calling up and saying, "Hey, I have a couple of days off this week... Can I come in?" I have done that.

But when it comes to T, it's so different. I am not attached to my chiropractor!!! I could go 7 days a week to the chiropractor, and I wouldn't feel stupid! But I can't call T and ask if he's available for one session? After discussing multiple sessions per week with him?

You don't even know how much I hate reaching out to my T. I can't even explain how much I hate calling him. I hate it because it says: I'm needy, and can't make it through the week without you.

All I know is that if I do call him, and I get a session, I'm going to it with a paper bag over my head.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS, I'M CALLING HIM NOW.

Another brilliant idea... I'll speak with the receptionist 1st, to find out if he's even there today. That way if she says he's not, I'm not even going to bother leaving a message, to save myself the stress and embarassment.

Okay, that backfired. I asked the receptionist if my T is in, and she said, "I have no idea."

Alright. I just called his direct line and left the stupidest message in the history of the world. Now I have to wait for him to call back, and once he does, then I have to ask for a session this week. Is it possible for me to draw this out longer and make it even more tortourous for myself?



ETA: I'm just about to leave for lunch, and of course I'm mentally scrutinizing the message I left for T... I realized that I said, "I'm not doing well at all this week." Um, hello it's only Monday. I really hope his voicemail malfunctions and he ends up not getting it at all.

[lauren_helene]

I was in your spot last week. I know exactly why you hate needing him and how you are feeling. Ditto.

I'm figuring out that my Wellbutrin is playing a role in how obsessive I am. So, I talked to my Pdoc and I am stopping it for now and will just continue the Prozac.

Could it be a medicine making this worse for you?

Transference is just hard. Can we ever get past this with the same therapist it started with??

I wish I could tell mine what you just said to yours. I want so bad to tell him the absolute truth about my attachment but fear takes over and I can't do it. I know I feel worse afterwards because I will over-analyze the entire conversation and the cycle continues and continues...

At least I feel slightly better without the Wellbutrin today. My session is tomorrow and I know we'll discuss my phone call to him last week and getting my records...I think he thought I was leaving, I was just being obsessive and could never leave him....

[sunrise]

pinksoil, good for you, you made the call! I'm sure it didn't sound as bad as you thought. Let us know if you get the appointment or not.

I have a question for everyone who has a strong attachment to their T. Is being strongly attached to T the same as transference? Or are they two separate psychotherapy phenomena? If they are separate, do they always go hand in hand? Like if you have a strong attachment, does that necessarily mean you are also experiencing transference? Or can you be strongly attached with no transference?

[Talulah]

Hi everyone.
Dunno if attachment is the same for transference or not, bit I do know transference plays out on many levels and so on. For example some feel a strong sexual attractions while others hate their t and so on.
In my experience, i have a weird attachment, nothing remotely sexual, but the desire for her to love/care for me and validate me. I become afraid to admit the attachement like pinksoil, but it becomes so unbearable I attempted a discussion about it as you probably read in the other thread.
I had to write it because it was unbearable to 'say' in person. My t was great about it, she already sensed all the things that were happening whether I admitted to them or not. She also said it was okay to be attached and to need her. She said I would progress more if I kept her in my head. She went on to say that later on in therapy i would feel the desire less and less to have her near so often. I told her i didn't believ that and she assured me all would play out and work up/out with us in therapy.

Pinksoil, I know how it feels. It's intense and vulnerable and weak, but it's okay and unless you can discuss it with your t, you will escalate until you feel crazy. try to examine all of this with t. It's ok to say....I need to see you more, or I want to see you more....

......................."See, this is what I've been talking about... It felt good to be so open with him, but now it feels so bad. The more I open up to him, the more intense the relationship becomes, the more emotionally invested I get, and the worse it feels when I need him so bad. And I hate, hate, hate, hate, needing him so bad. "...........................

I am on this area with my t as well. We have this intense session and I reveal how much I 'want' to be with her....i really try to be rational. She told me I try too hard to rationalize and just to feel it. She said it was ok and it was not weak. I leave there thinking "you stupid! how could you act like such a child and say those things!" I totally am cringing even now at my own behavior....but I don't regret it and I think that my courage is paying off and I will be getting somehwere. So, this sounds like an attachment worth exploring and although its intense and kind of weird...go with it and try to discuss as open and honestly as you can.....

((((((((((((good luck))))))))))))

[lauren_helene]

For me, I say attachment because I hate the word transference. That word, although I have used it before, trivializes the relationship I think.

I really believe that I like my therapist and I wonder why does it have to be transference??? I don't like labels. I got very upset when he labeled my feelings this way. It feels like being cast aside even if he doesn't mean to.

I'm always wondering how he feels and looking for any sign that he feels the same way. I shouldn't be doing that but I am. Ugh...I hope that answers your question Sunrise

[sidony]

Damn but I feel for you pinksoil. We are so similar. I'd have a hell of a time calling too, but I think you probably should. Sometimes it's easier when you just get an answering machine (at least it is for me because my tone's not always readable). But there, that's my approach/avoidance method of connecting -- I'll leave a totally casual message when I'm really freaking out. But sometimes it's helpful.

Don't listen to me. I just tell people how to avoid.

Buying a house sounds hugely stressful!!! Tell the T how stressed you are and ask to come in again. (See, I'm telling you what excuses to use to make it sound more casual -- this is what I do.)



I'm not helpful, but I think you should call him.

Sidony

[sidony]

Oops I should have finished reading the thread before I responded! But I so wanted to respond as soon as I read your first post.

Glad you called! And trust me, I feel just as stupid with this type of stuff. Immediately afterwards I'm like "I am such a moron." But it's just self-consciousness. Therapists are used to this stuff. I'm sure if you're able to get in to see him again it'll be helpful and you could even talk about how it's scary for you to call. Maybe. If that's not too scary.

Okay I still didn't finish this thread so this response might be off by a few replies. I'm impatient tonight for some reason. My mind's on the group therapy session I just went and screwed up.

Sidony

Ok, T just called back, but I was in an intake session with a client, so I couldn't answer my phone. I looked at my phone when it rang and it said "private number" so I knew it was him, and I knew I couldn't pick up the phone so I seriously almost threw up when it was ringing.

Sidony-- I do the same thing-- I change my tone so that I sound fine although I'm really flipping. Of course when I left him the message yesterday I told him I was doing well, but meanwhile my voice sounded almost as if I was in a great mood. Slight disconnect there.

So he left a message on my voicemail. I have to admit, it was almost as stupid as mine, so I feel a little better. He was like, "I'm getting back to you, but I'm not able to get anything besides your voicemail at this point." Duh. That's why you're leaving me a message. So he said that he will try to call me later today. He told me I could leave him another message, but he will try to call later. I'm going to leave a message just to let him know that I have clients until 12, and to call after that. OK, now I'm going to listen to the message sixty-seven more times because who cares how stupid it sounds, he could call and recite a nursery rhyme for all I care, it's still his voice.

Can this get any more drawn out? I left him a message Monday afternoon, now it's Tuesday morning, and I still haven't even gotten to speak with him, let alone ask for a session.

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sunrise said:
I have a question for everyone who has a strong attachment to their T. Is being strongly attached to T the same as transference? Or are they two separate psychotherapy phenomena? If they are separate, do they always go hand in hand? Like if you have a strong attachment, does that necessarily mean you are also experiencing transference? Or can you be strongly attached with no transference?

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Sun, my T asked me the same question last session! I was complaining about attachment and transference, and he asked me if I thought attachment could occur without transference. I almost said no because at first I was thinking about it really narrowly-- I was assuming that I must have been transferring my attachment for someone else, onto him. But who? Then I realized that with attachment, you don't have to be transferring a specific......................................

Ok. He just called again. He doesn't have any available appointments left this week, but he told me we can either do a phone session or I can just call him tomorrow to let him know how I'm doing, if I need to. He made me feel okay that I called. I told him what an idiot I feel like what I call him. He asked what's going on and I told him how I've been impulsively spending, and even signed up for another credit card (very bad idea, but I couldn't stop myself). I told him I've been feeling horribly agitated and I've been doing things like spending money, hoping it will make the feeling go away. Then he used his sense of humor, which I love "Well, would you want to pay me more? Would that help?" I couldn't help but laugh. I started telling him how since settlement is tomorrow, now is the time, more than any other time in my life, to get my crap together, and be responsible with my money. But instead I'm paying my bills late (even though I have enough money to pay them), signing up for credit cards, and spending. I should feel happy, I said... I'm buying a house. I think I'm sabotaging myself--- and once I said that, T said that he felt that I just got a very good handle on what's going on, and that we have a lot to talk about. He said that I made a very appropriate connection there, and the next (much harder) step is to talk about it so I can stop the behavior. I told him that I was so glad that I came to this realization while I was talking to him because normally I don't even know why I call him, and after the phone call is over I feel like a complete idiot, and just want to die. He told me not to die, that it wouldn't be a good idea. And to call tomorrow if I need to.

Sorry, about that interjection. What I had wanted to say is that we become attached to our Ts through the transference of not just specific relationships, but the transference of our general patterns. So in conclusion, I believe attachment and transference go together.