Post-session doldrums

My session with T was last night. Sigh. Now I am down. It isn't always this way after sessions. But sometimes, yes. We are making a lot of progress and somehow last night felt like a turning point to me, that now our sessions will be extremely goal oriented. No more sitting there chewing the fat, talking about dreams, doing EMDR, basking in his presence. Blah. Like now it will be a lot of nuts and bolts to get from point A to point B. It's not that I don't need to do those things, just that I feel a bit in mourning for our past therapy. Does that make sense? Like maybe yesterday was the beginning of the end. And now we are on a downhill slope to termination. Does reaching my goal mean terminating sessions with T? Somehow they are getting tangled up in my mind.

I hope you find it's not quite so sudden/drastic as that, going from the old way to the new; I think it's more ebb and flow and not as "dreary" as your description sounds to me :-)

Don't "worry" about termination yet either; it won't come until you're ready for it. You remind me of my stepson who, when his father turned 50 asked him, "What does it feel like to be 50???" and then the same thing when he turned 60, etc. It's not the same "anticipating" as actually being there. I'll never forget, back in about 1977-78 when I started therapy with my therapist how I could not even begin to imagine being symptom free of some of my symptoms, just couldn't imagine what I'd "do"/be like without them, etc. and then it got to 2005 and the end of therapy and I'm symptom-free (of those particular symptoms I was worried about :-) and I have trouble remembering what it was like in 1977. LOL.

I get depressed sometimes after my session with my T. I think its because of all the emotions I display during my session my body and brain are just tired. I sometimes end up having to call my T later on during the day just to talk about it.

Jbug

Hello Sunrise.
I hope you are feeling better at this time. Goal setting is just to help you evaluate your future and how the therapist can help you accomodate what you feel is necessary for a better future. It does not mean that you are not going to see a therapist. It just means that you have possibly turned a corner to fulfill your needs and the therapist is moving forward in goal setting to set the pace of your needs at this time and your future to help you expand your horizons and options in the future. If you are worrysome at this time I would highly suggest calling your therapist ot explain what goal setting is for you and what the therapist meant by her decision. It sounds very promising for you to move on but if you feel otherwise please contact your therapist to make sure. Take care and good day Soidhonia

Sunrise, I know exactly what you mean!. Sometimes the fear of being "well" is scary. I asked T last week if she felt I kept myself in a position where I don't move forward because I'm afraid of getting better and ending therapy? T said well she didn't think so but even if that was the case that would mean I still need to be there.

Yes going forward is scary isn't it?

((((((((((((((((((((((((((sunrise))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Me too. post session doldrums big time, went last night............................................blegh I'm sad and grumpy-pants....

I get the post session doldrums too. Right now I am having the pre session doldrums. Does that make sense. I hate when it is over and can't wait for it to be time again, but then right before I'm like - I don't know if I want to do this. Argh!!!

(((Sunrise)))

(((Talulah)))

Mouse, another example of how wonderful your t is!

Purplemoon, I'd def. call t and talk it over. You don't need this added anxiety.

Thanks, everyone, for the support and ((((hugs)))). I am still feeling down, but hope I will come out of it soon. I think I may just go to therapy next week and not deal with/talk about "the goal." Dealing with the goal is depressing me. Or maybe having to deal with the goal with T is depressing me. I don't know. I just know it would feel good to sit there for an hour and listen to T talk.

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It just means that you have possibly turned a corner to fulfill your needs and the therapist is moving forward in goal setting to set the pace of your needs at this time and your future to help you expand your horizons and options in the future.

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He completely let me choose the date when I wanted to accomplish the goal by and I did. He was surprised I chose so soon, and said well we better get busy. I have external pressures making me try to deal on this timeline. Maybe I should give them up and take longer, I don't know. But I feel I've been "taking longer" forever. There are big financial consequences to delaying.

I'm irritated at myself for getting depressed at the prospect of dealing with this stuff. Happened last month and I was depressed for a week. Almost childish response. Bugs me. Grow up, sunrise, I want to say. I need all my resources for this, not some moping-about-low-energy state of being.

I think I need a vacation from life. And when I return, everything will have magically solved itself, right?

I wrote Purplemoon, I meant Sunrise.
Sunrise, I'd call t and talk it over. You don't need this added anxiety.
Take gentle care,

OH Sunrise, I don't think we can do things in such a planned way? That would be an awful lot of pressure that one just couldnt' meet? I understand the financial pressures. I pay out of pocket for T also and at times I get awful anxiety over how long my healing is taking. I have to remind myself at times that I am worth it! But when you have a children to support it becomes just another complication.

I hope you feel better soon!

Sunrise, what do you think made you feel that your sessions are or have changed? It seems like there is a suddenness about that thought. Maybe whatever caused that is what is behind how you are feeling?

Mouse, I told my last T after a day of feeling good that it unnerved me--I know how to feel 'not' good... the thought of feeling good was anxiety-provoking. I thought "What if I felt like this ALL the time?!?" lol. scared me to death! I don't know how to do THAT!

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sunrise said:

I think I need a vacation from life. And when I return, everything will have magically solved itself, right?

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Of course Sunrise! That is what I tell myself too

Mouse, for me the financial pressure is not what I am paying for therapy. I do pay 100% out of pocket, but am able to manage that once a week, at least for now. The question my T asked is "when do you want your divorce to be final?" My answer is by the end of the year. That has big financial consequences for whether my daughter can get financial aid to go to college (if we're married for even one day next year, the colleges will count my husband's income toward her support in college). It seems kind of mercenary to set a timeline based on this, but getting aid would be huge for her, for example, perhaps by letting her go to a 4 year university instead of a 2 year junior college. And since I want the divorce anyway, why not shoot for that timeline, which would have a huge benefit?

Echoes, I think I felt the change in our sessions was due to now we have to buckle down and work on the nuts and bolts of divorce if I am to make the deadline. T and I have worked a long time to get me to see that I have been in an abusive relationship for many years, and I finally have dropped my head-in-the-sand denial on that. For me, that has helped open the way to moving forward with leaving the relationship. But it still is not easy or straightforward. But still I want to be done by the end of the year. Just don't know if I can do this. So quickly.

I really wish I were stronger and not so scared. How do you conquer fear? I think that is what I need to work on now. How to not be scared. T has said before I am frozen or stuck because of unresolved trauma from childhood abuse. So then I face the need to go back and deal with childhood stuff. But I have the need to deal with present stuff too. And I just go back and forth in therapy. Sometimes it just seems like I am on a see saw. Past present past present. It's not that I don't want to deal with childhood issues, and we have done some good work on that, but my self-imposed end of year deadline looms (just want to make clear that I chose this deadline, not T). Even if I just want to work on the present stuff so as to make the deadline, the fact remains that I am terrified.

So sorry everyone if this is too much information. Thanks for reading.

Hi Sunrise.......great that you are implementing goals and specific timelines imo, I cannot see to do that at all.

As for the divorce, I think your decision is a good one and perhaps you can sit for a bit on one end of the see saw to get that goal resolved. After that, are you able to continue therapy (even less frequently) if you want to and move to the other side of the see saw to delve into what issues remain? This may provide a less hurried feeling, knowing you have 'time' for the other stuff. It's hard to work on all at once and taking some stuff off the plate can alleviate your anxiety.....while knowing you don't have to terminate after a specific time.

Sunrise. Oh now I understand better. Sorry I wasn't quite understand your original post.

Sunrise, my feeling is you shouldn't let other people's, even your daughter's concerns and wishes take precedence over your own health. Going to a less expensive 2 year college before going to a university would not have to be a problem for your daughter, especially if it concerns your health. It's nice to set goals and nice "neat" ones like the one you have set for your divorce look good on paper but life isn't on paper. Take care of yourself, no matter what! I'm 1000% sure your daughter would rather you were a healthy, happy mom than that she got to go to a 4 year school her first year only to have you and her father not be able to help her afford it the next year and have/because something happen(ed) to you!

There's nothing bad/wrong/mercenary with doing it either way but I think you should put your health and happiness first, especially with the hard work surrounding the divorce (and afterwards!). It would be "nice" for your daughter to get the aid but not as crucial as your being comfortable in your Life's "work" at the moment.

((((((((( Sunrise ))))))))))))

I agree with Perna. Healing cannot be forced. It takes time, and your health must come first. I know Moms always try to put their children first, but if you don't take good care of yourself, you won't be able to be healthy enough to help your daughter.

Hugs,

Jan

So you have a goal, a deadline and it makes things more foucused it seems.

I'm wondering about your working into the decision to divorce an positive for your daughter. I completely understand your wanting the best educational and financial opportunities for her! You are a strong and good Mom Sunrise.

At the same time it seems to add a dimension to the divorce preparations and timeline that includes added stress, maybe some distraction for you and for her too? Have you added a positive for her because of concern for how this will affect her (as well as the very concrete financial benefits).

Have you explored the what-if's? If you don't, for whatever reason, divorce by year's end could you take out a loan to help her get into a 4 year school? Would your husband contribute to her education even if you are not married? Could she attend one school for her first year then change for her second year? etc.

I have posted about my liking to read Pema Chodron, an American woman who became Buddhist nun after her divorce. Her books are very uncomplicated and peaceful and interesting. Here's something she said about fear in the book "When Things Fall Apart; Heart Advice for Difficult Times": The first chapter of the book is 'Intimacy With Fear'. At end of the chapter she writes: "The trick is to keep exploring and not bail out, even when we find out that something is not what we thought. That's what we're going to discover again and again and again. Nothing is what we thought. I can say that with great confidence. Emptiness is not what we thought. Neither is mindfulness or fear. Compassion--not what we thought. Love. Courage. These are code words for things we don't know in our minds, but any of us could experience them. These are words that point to what life really is when we let things fall apart and let ourselves be nailed to the present moment." I don't know if that is interesting to you or not but I hope it is. Maybe the rest of the chapter is needed, I don't know.

I don't know that we can conquer fear. We can name it and be aware of it and do what we want to do and need to do anyway, even while feeling it. We do that all the time with fear and other emotions.

I hope you can get a lot of the nuts and bolts stuff done and out of the way soon so you can have accomplishments to feel proud of and so your courage grows! I think it is very very brave and awesome what you are doing and I'm so glad you have help with it!

What is it that terrifies you, Sunrise?

Hi everyone, and thanks for your support and advice and wisdom. Echoes, you recommended Pema Chodron to me a little while back and I checked out one of her books from the library. I haven't read it yet, but what you wrote about "Intimacy With Fear" intrigued me, and I am going to open that book. Thanks.

I will try to move as quickly as I can in therapy and on my issue but will not push it past my limit. T is very supportive of my going at my own pace. I am applying the pressure, not him.

I'm thinking back to our last session and having some issues with some things T said to me. I didn't like them and found them kind of insensitive. And not really helpful. It was not his finest moment as a T, IMO. Yes, this is me talking, the one who loves her T and thinks he is perfect (well, not really, but I like him a lot and am very appreciative of all the help he has given). This is new for me, to feel kind of put off by my T. Could I even be angry? Sigh. Here I am trying to get on with my divorce in therapy and instead I am having therapist issues. I realize now this is why I was in the doldrums post-session. Why does it take me 4 whole days to realize that? Why can't I realize it during the session when it is happening and respond immediately to it? Why do I have to react by getting depressed? I get very frustrated with myself sometimes. What does depression mean in this case? Is it just my way of telling myself that not all is right and I need to figure it out? I applied all my CBT techniques to push the doldrums away. And then I realized why I was so down.

At my next session, should I tell T how his comments made me feel last time? Should I "waste" time on those T issues? Or just ignore that and move on to try to make progress on my real issue? Therapy can be so complicated.

Well, first it takes time to recognize something - ever. Then, with practice, you begin to recognize it sooner and sooner... and hopefully, as in this case, you will begin to recognize it before a session where it might rear it's ugly head, and either quelch it then or discuss it with T during...so it has no ill affect.

I think you can make this a very good therapy discussion. I don't see it as a waste, because it's the process you are learning and will able to apply to many other things in your life.

TC!