My session

On Friday I saw my T for the 1st time in 2 weeks. As some of you may remember from earlier posts, I ended up calling him at one point because I was feeling extremely agitated.

So, on Friday, I started out by telling him how badly I wanted to sneak into his office and rip the phone out of the wall so he wouldn't have gotten my voicemail the day I called him. I told him how pathetic and needy I felt by calling. I wanted to erase the fact that it even happened. I even went as far as to say that I probably ruined his day by calling. (When we had spoken over the phone, I came to the realization for the first time, that I often sabatoge myself when things are going well). We picked up on this again during the session, and I shared with him, all the writing I had done during the past 2 weeks which examined by sabatoging behavior, along with my abandomnent issues. This had really all started with the phone call. In the end, he said that considering all of this had been sparked off by my phone call to him, that it's pretty worth it to call him. I said that I knew this was the case, but as usual, my feelings don't match my rational thoughts, and I still felt completely pathetic.

Now, as some of you may remember (again), I was having a huge issue with wanting to see him more than once per week, not wanting to admit this, and getting angry at him when he did not suggest it. My regular T day is Tuesday, but for the last 3 weeks, we had to have it on Fri. So on this past Fri, he asked me if I wanted to keep it on Fridays or do I want to go back to Tuesdays. So of course, like a 3 year year old, I put my hands in front of my face, and tell him that of course I would want to go back to Tuesdays, so that I could come back in 4 days. (What a loser). Then he says, "Well, I know there was some discussion about having 2 sessions per week..." He brought it up. For once, this made me happy. We were at the end of the session at this point, and I was getting all flustered because of all the stupid attachment feelings coming up. I said something to the effect of, "Now I'm freaking out because of all these feelings, and I don't want to wait...." and he said, "Well, now you have to come back Tuesday, right?" Well. I could have jumped in his lap and hugged him. For once, I didn't feel like a complete, dependent idiot for wanting to see him more twice per week. He let me know that it's okay, that there are reasons to come more than once per week-- that's it's not just because I'm a needy loser, but that there are things to work on. He said we have a lot to talk about.

I still hate this. I told him that I was stupid for ever staying in therapy in the first place. I told him that for our first couple of months, I tried to convince myself that I didn't like him. Anything so I wouldn't have to get attached. Now look what happened. I have no control over this, that's what is killing me. I feel like the relationship with T has enveloped me, and now nothing is on my terms. And now it's happening again... Starting May 16, I won't be able to go twice per week anymore. I start my internship and my class schedule changes. So what am I doing now? Starting to go twice per week just so it can hurt that much more when I have to stop. So why don't I just leave it at once per week? Because I can't. I hate that I've lost myself in this. It became way more than I ever intended it to.

i'm laughing when i'm reading this. not laughing AT you but seeing so much of myself in what you have said that i'm kinda laughing out of relief. because it is NOT okay that i feel needy and dependent, but it is perfectly normal and fine and acceptable to me that you do, you see. :-) that probably doesn't make so very much sense...

i have heard... (i hope people don't mind how often i do this but i tend to remember stuff that i found helpful) i have heard... that while there is quite a bit of stuff out there on how therapists should cope with panicky feelings when their clients become attached / needy / dependent... i have heard that that is not at all the typical response to a client becoming attached / needy / dependent. i've heard that the typical response is nurturing and protective feelings and also feeling flattered that one is needed (even though there can be a rational awareness that the feelings aren't exactly about them it is still true that they have facilitated it by earning your trust and it feels GOOD to be liked and loved).

i did wonder if your therapist was trying to give you the opportunity to ask directly for more frequent sessions. i'm glad that he mentioned it himself, though. i guess he understands that you find it hard to feel needy / dependent. i really struggle with that too. felt that way about my dad and then he left :-( so it is scary to feel that way.

it is great that you can talk about this with him, though.

with respect to your schedule changing... it might be the case that it is possible to figure out an alternative time if you do indeed want to stay with more frequent sessions. i'll be interested to know how more frequent sessions helps with respect to intensity. i'm on a once per week and once extra per fortnight system. a comprimise between twice weekly and once weekly. i've only had that extra session once though because the other time he was sick. and he is going to have 3 weeks off after this week. i guess i'll see how it goes after that. in the meantime... we will see how much i can communicate via email :-)

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pinksoil said:
On Friday I saw my T for the 1st time in 2 weeks. As some of you may remember from earlier posts, I ended up calling him at one point because I was feeling extremely agitated.

Oh yeah, you know I've been there!

This had really all started with the phone call. In the end, he said that considering all of this had been sparked off by my phone call to him, that it's pretty worth it to call him. I said that I knew this was the case, but as usual, my feelings don't match my rational thoughts, and I still felt completely pathetic.

I'm so happy he said this to you!!!!!!

Now, as some of you may remember (again), I was having a huge issue with wanting to see him more than once per week, not wanting to admit this, and getting angry at him when he did not suggest it. My regular T day is Tuesday, but for the last 3 weeks, we had to have it on Fri. So on this past Fri, he asked me if I wanted to keep it on Fridays or do I want to go back to Tuesdays. So of course, like a 3 year year old, I put my hands in front of my face, and tell him that of course I would want to go back to Tuesdays, so that I could come back in 4 days. (What a loser). Then he says, "Well, I know there was some discussion about having 2 sessions per week..." He brought it up. For once, this made me happy. We were at the end of the session at this point, and I was getting all flustered because of all the stupid attachment feelings coming up. I said something to the effect of, "Now I'm freaking out because of all these feelings, and I don't want to wait...." and he said, "Well, now you have to come back Tuesday, right?" Well. I could have jumped in his lap and hugged him. For once, I didn't feel like a complete, dependent idiot for wanting to see him more twice per week. He let me know that it's okay, that there are reasons to come more than once per week-- that's it's not just because I'm a needy loser, but that there are things to work on. He said we have a lot to talk about.

I love that he said this to you too. I know how you feel. I wanted to do the same to my T. I finally felt like he cared for real and then it was taken away. I need to say this on Wed.

I still hate this. I told him that I was stupid for ever staying in therapy in the first place. I told him that for our first couple of months, I tried to convince myself that I didn't like him. Anything so I wouldn't have to get attached. Now look what happened. I have no control over this, that's what is killing me. I feel like the relationship with T has enveloped me, and now nothing is on my terms. And now it's happening again...

I did tell him last session (jokingly) I wanted to hate him. But that wouldn't solve anything for me and it won't for you either. You are not stupid, quite the contrary, you are very in touch with yourself, your feelings and your T is holding his hand out to you at just the right time.

I'm so happy for you!!!!!!

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almeda24fan said:
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pinksoil said:
I still hate this. I told him that I was stupid for ever staying in therapy in the first place. I told him that for our first couple of months, I tried to convince myself that I didn't like him. Anything so I wouldn't have to get attached.

I did tell him last session (jokingly) I wanted to hate him.

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Incidentally, I did the same thing to my husband. I saw early on that I could fall for him-- so I tried to convince myself that I hated him. In fact, when we first started dating, my friends would ask what I thought about him. I would say, "Well, he's kind of perfect for me and all.... but I hate him." Like I said-- anything to avoid getting attached. My terms. I told my T about this. About how I have never been broken up with or rejected by a guy before. It has always been on my terms, and my termination.

That's what I love about therapy. The discovery of patterns. However much they hurt... the patterns.

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pinksoil said:
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almeda24fan said:
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pinksoil said:
I still hate this. I told him that I was stupid for ever staying in therapy in the first place. I told him that for our first couple of months, I tried to convince myself that I didn't like him. Anything so I wouldn't have to get attached.

I did tell him last session (jokingly) I wanted to hate him.

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Incidentally, I did the same thing to my husband. I saw early on that I could fall for him-- so I tried to convince myself that I hated him. In fact, when we first started dating, my friends would ask what I thought about him. I would say, "Well, he's kind of perfect for me and all.... but I hate him." Like I said-- anything to avoid getting attached. My terms. I told my T about this. About how I have never been broken up with or rejected by a guy before. It has always been on my terms, and my termination.

That's what I love about therapy. The discovery of patterns. However much they hurt... the patterns.

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Yes, the patterns I'm discovering about myself are quite interesting. I'm thinking you're right more and more about me. Maybe I'm the one who is uncomfortable and he is just mirroring me. When I get over this part so will he? Perhaps he will

pinksoil, that sounds like such a great session! You were so open and honest with your T. And I loved his responses. He sounds like a wonderful T.

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In the end, he said that considering all of this had been sparked off by my phone call to him, that it's pretty worth it to call him.

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I especially loved his answer here. He sees your call not so much as a sign of your neediness but a trigger to the insights you have made. And he is perfectly willing to let you use this route to growth.

Congrats on getting to do 2 sessions per week! I hope you can find a way to continue that once you have started your internship.

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It became way more than I ever intended it to.

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It's become a therapeutic relationship and the route to change and healing. I think maybe you really did want this.

Thanks everyone, for your replies. I have my normal Tuesday session today. I also have off from work for the 1st day of Passover (I work for Jewish organization) so I have a lot of time to think about the upcoming session. And a lot of time to unpack in the new house, lol. In the last couple weeks, I have been walking into the session with "goal information." This "goal information" is basically just one thing that I choose to tell him that I really want him to know, but is very hard for me to say. It becomes my goal to get this one thing out. And of course, once I get this out, it opens things up a lot more. On one hand, I think this is a horrible method to use b/c I am very hard on myself-- so if I don't accomplish my goal, I'll hate myself until the day I do. On the other hand, it's a good method becaues it has been working for me. I am a firm believer in that things will come out once they're ready. The unconscious will let them go. I don't feel as if I'm forcing myself in this method. I trust myself and my unsconsious in knowing that when it is time for something to come out, it will.

Today my "goal information" is to tell him what I wrote in my orignal post when I started this topic-- to let me know that seeing him 2x per week is setting myself up for hurt because I won't be able to do it once my internship starts. But at the same time, I feel weak-- because I can't refuse the availability of the sessions now. Each week I have been letting him know, bit by bit, how much I need him.

Among certain words that I have difficult saying in therapy, is the word "you," when it is pertaining to him. I will say things like "I need this" or "I can become attached in situations like this." What I really mean is "I need you" and "I (have) become really attached to you." I told him that it is difficult for me to say this word because once I say it, it becomes real. Then he knows it, and I will be aware that he knows it. Using general terms for the word doesn't personalize it as much. It is a defense mechanism that keeps me a tiny bit more safe from my attachment to him.

I want to go into the session today with a paper bag over my head.

Oh (((((Pinksoil))) I have nothing more to add to what everyone has written here, but just wanted to give you a hug LOL and believe me I ain't the hugging type but I think you deserve it!!!!

Hang on in there!

Hi Pinksoil, you'll be fine in your session. Me however? I feel so nauseated. I'm so nervous about tomorrow. I am like this lately. I need to express feelings to him that are hard for me.

Then I examine for his reaction...which I always think isn't good.

Let us know how it goes for you.

Much luck today, pinksoil. I hope you can get your "goal information" out on the table at your session. I think it can be really helpful to have goals, so good for you!

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pinksoil said:Using general terms for the word doesn't personalize it as much. It is a defense mechanism that keeps me a tiny bit more safe from my attachment to him.

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I find that really interesting. I thought, well, not saying "you" to your T is a coping mechanism you are using to deal with your intense attachment to him. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? We all have to work out ways to cope with our strong emotions. You have this nice little coping mechanism that is helping you but yet you are working on removing it. When does a coping mechanism become a defense mechanism and therefore something we want to get rid of? For example, I cope (in part) with my depression by making sure to get enough sleep each night. But adequate sleep is really just a defense mechanism against the symptoms of depression. Inadequate sleep is not what is causing my depression--there are deeper causes in my past and current situations. But this doesn't necessarily mean I should get rid of the very helpful defense/coping mechanism of getting enough sleep. Ha, I'm totally rambling, but do you see what I mean? Is not using the word "you" to your T really such a bad thing right now as you struggle with your overwhelming attachment? I don't know one way or another, but I find the question very interesting.

Again, good luck today!

Pinksoil - you just amaze me. I think that your goal is something that I might try. It is so hard to open up. Kudo's to you. You give me hope.

Mouse, thank you. I know you aren't the hugging type, so your hug meant a lot to me. I have never given an internet hug before, so believe me, I know...

And Purple-- that was a really sweet thing of you to say. Even if you were lying I wouldn't care, lol... because I'm having a tough night, so it was good to read something like that.

Pinksoil I am so sorry that you are having a hard time. I was speaking truthfully. Hang in there sweetie.

(((pink))) I am glad you had a discussion about increasing your number of sessions. Usually the patient has to mention it or suggest it in some way before the T will do it... as it may appear unethical to push patients into more sessions unless they request it.

TC!

I am sorry you are having a hard night. Take care. I am here if I can do anything.