Missing LCM

I shouldn't text her because that would be stupid and ****. She couldn't see it. I shouldn't text that guy I blockedor an other nboy but I need sex so I should watch porn. And master ate. I love porn and jack
And LCM but all for different reasons. I shouldn't pee on the floor but I like pee. But it's messy.

You have many issues. Why do you not have regular therapy? You can find a time and a therapist that your insurance covers. You can.

Keep LCM.

You need a real therapist- like the rest of us do - and most of us have.

You come here when you have a crisis- almost always related to LCM - and get a gazillion responses. You ignore almost all of the ones that address your need for a real therapist and keep on posting about how bad you feel.

I get bad feelings. 1000%.

A therapist will help you. LCM is still there. Best of both worlds.

When/if you finally get a therapist, the PC community will stand up, cheer, and salute you!

Please - in this state, with drink taken and your inhibitions lowered, delete the numbers of the random guys. It won't end well if you hook up with them for your first time, I'm 99% sure.

Go masturbate. I'd advise reading some erotica that gets you off, and keeping the pictures in your head. I'm not anti-porn in general but it can be difficult to find porn that does not dehumanize women, and most porn is not representative of real-life sex between couples who actually respect and like each other, so I don't think it's the best introduction to the world of sex. I don't think it will serve you to have your template for sex drawn from porn.

Ha. You're assuming I don't want to be dehumanized. I love porn that "dehumanizes" and "objectifies" women. There is nothing wrong with that. Can't change what I'm into. I was into this from the second I had a sex drive and way before I watched porn. I still have some fantasies I wrote from before watching anything. Meaning I wrote the fantasies down.

Why do you want to be dehumanized?

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Because even though I'm a virgin, I know I'm super into BDSM and most likely a sub.

Nope. Wasn't assuming that. I've been where you are, though very luckily did manage to lise my virginity to my 'Master' who I was completely in love with at the time. I still say - in the long run, it is not good for the wholeness of a human being to work from that sexual framework.

I meant more along the lines of....what do you think underlies that need/want?

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Sorry. I can't engage more on your thread, this is unnerving me just now.

Find a trauma T (in ADDITION to LC! I am not saying get rid!)

Growli,
Why don't you get a therapist to help you?

Your guess is as good as mine. I don't know why people are into what they are

I agree with you. I'm making myself crazy with Growli's threads. I can not fathom why she does not get a therapist. She posts- gets hundreds of responses-and then completely ignores any posts that suggest that she get a real therapist. Right now I want to hammer this into her head knowing fully that my efforts are for naught. It's crazy making.

So I come on PC drunk as I do often, I talk about sex as someone who is drunk frequently does, I mention BDSM, and people flip out.

For the record, I drank after the show, not out of sadness.

But, drunk or not you refuse to address the question of why no therapist? LCM has a place in your life-she is so important to you. Your love for her is clear. Why do you not have a therapist- weekly therapy would-maybe- be helpful.

You are bright, talented - I feel many here at PC would be thrilled to see you get additional support.

I don't think they're flipping out because you talked about BDSM. I think the concern is that you're saying you're into BDSM and want to be dehumanized, and what is underlying it is likely trauma. People on this forum want to help, but they (and I) feel as though we keep suggesting that you see a T because we see a desperate need for it, and it gets ignored. It's hard to see you come on here upset and drunk, knowing that you need the support of a properly trained T (in ADDITION to LC) but that you aren't going to get that support.

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I can't find one that is available when I am free or takes my insurance. Plus I can't even afford to pay a copay.

You can't find one in all of Boston? I'm sorry to be blunt, but this sounds like a cop out to me. There are low-fee agencies. If you can afford alcohol pretty much every day, you can afford this.

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That is a cop out. Not buying this excuse.
Yes you can, if you tried.

And now I will stop pestering you - no benefit to you and I'm making myself frustrated beyond belief.

Good luck sweetie, you are so young and so brilliant to be so lost. And I'm just an old lady that can't stand watching you self disctruct.

I can't afford alcohol. I just buy it anyway.

I have tried to understand my own responses to these threads, why they generate certain feelings in me. And, I also wonder if you, growlithing, are aware of what type of response you are trying to get from posts like these?
Is that, maybe, why you post them?

I wish you well, I hope you find the support and therapy (whatever form that therapy might be) that helps you to move forward.

You could, if you tried. I recently helped my cousin find a T in Boston and there were MANY options-- many more than in my area! My cousin has no job and no money, but we were able to find her a T who accepts almost nothing per session. If your parents pay for your LC and your LC says you also need a T, your parents might be willing to pay for it. If not, use the $10 you pay for a bottle of alcohol and spend it on therapy. If you can find a way to get booze that you can't really afford, you can find a way to do the same thing for a T-- if you really want to. Or, you can find an agency that provides free therapy-- there are several that provide it free to persons under age 25. And it seems you spend a great deal of time isolated in your room, drinking or trying to distract yourself or just pass the time-- you could be using one of those hours a week to see a T. Or, you could do online therapy. It may not be as good as in person therapy, but it's certainly better than no therapy. It's not "easy" for any of us to pay for long-term therapy, fit therapy on top of a 60 hour work week, or deal with all of the emotions that therapy brings up. It's not always something we "want" to do. But it really is the best way to get better. It's the best way we can invest in ourselves and our futures.

I know Boston and if anything there are too many Ts, not too little! I understand you want a certain kind and I get the scheduling issues since I have a rigid schedule too and it makes attending therapy a challenge. Still I know there are many Ts that work at night at least one day a week. And some work on weekends. None of that matters though if you're not really ready to take the step. If you have very little free time then I totally understand how spending it in therapy might be the last thing you want to do. I would just admit that - I think it might be more helpful for you to acknowledge that this is a choice and your situation is not hopeless at all. You just have to be ready.

Please stop.

I appreciate that all of you are concerned for me. I've said time and time again that I do not want a trauma T right now. I said that I'm overwhelmed with my schedule and my life and the treatment I already have. One might argue that the best time to start therapy is when you're stressed out and really need it. Maybe that's true, maybe that isn't true. I'm telling you that I feel overwhelmed and that I do not feel ready to start confronting the trauma. That is a huge emotional commitment that I do not feel ready to give yet.

Anyone has all the right in the world to disagree with me and think that I'm making a huge mistake. Pointing out that what I'm saying is wrong or problematic is one thing. Ganging up on me and turning my threads about LCM into a "let's piss on growlithing's life choices" fest isn't appreciated nor is it working. I'm not going to be pressured into doing something I don't feel ready to do.

Yes, I was drunk and said weird ****. I am sorry for whomever I might have triggered in anyway with those posts. However, at least I posted here instead of messaging guys again. I think that's an improvement.

All I want is support. I actually do want criticism as well, however, at this point, it doesn't even feel like criticism. It feels like when your mother blames everything on being on the computer too long. "Mom, I'm tired" "shouldn't have been up all night on the computer". "Mom, my throat hurts" "it's that damn computer again". "PC, I miss LCM" "get a real T". "PC, LCM made me sad" "that's because she sucks and you need a trauma T". "PC, I'm drunk and horny" "none of this would happen if you had a trauma therapist"

Seriously

I need LCM right now. My best friend's heater broke and building ops won't come fix it and I'm scared she's gonna freeze to death. I don't want her to die. I love her.

Growli, you may need your LC right now but she is gone, out of the country, on her vacation. She is unreachable. So, you need to cope with it, find a way to get a grip. You can't continue this drinking and poor decision making every day until she returns. You drink when shes in town and when your seeing her on a regular schedule, so I guess drinking while shes gone "makes sense to you" Regardless your going to wake up with a hangover maybe and certainly more self esteem and self worth issues and then how terrible your going to feel when you see how angry LC is going to be when you tell her.

I certainly won't bother typing anything about a T. That's a dead horse that has been beaten to death so bad there isn't even dust left.

I think its wonderful that your worried about your friend, maybe she can come stay in your room to stay warm?