Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

There is totally going to be someone who is going to fill in while she's gone! But still ya know, it just sucks.

I can't stop thinking about what I'm going to say to you tomorrow...I'm worried I won't get the response I want from you. And I'm almost more worried that you will know what I want to hear and purposely not give me what I'm looking for.

I have a paper to write right now but I can't stop thinking about seeing you tomorrow.

No one in their right mind is going to believe the garbage story you've made up about me. You have made a mockery of your own profession and will be held accountable!!

Only a few days until our final session. It's getting more real every minute. I'm hurt and I miss you.

I can't wait to see you today and offload

Dear T

2 more days. Lately I just don't want to go to therapy. I do want to see you, but I really don't look forward to talking.
Right now I feel bad. I feel sad. I feel hopeless. I'm wondering if it's just too late. That I can't be helped. All these thought about me and how I see life, maybe they are too strong. Maybe they are too deep in me, and they can't be changed. Maybe I can't change. Maybe it's too late for me.
I'm afraid to talk to you about this, because then maybe you don't see any point for me continueing therapy. Because for therapy, to change, you must me motivated and willing to change. I'm I that? I don't know. Therapy seems like my only option. If you would terminate me, what should I do then? You are the only T I have ever trusted. I'm just so scared that I will say something that will made you decide that it's better to terminate me.

I just wouldn't know what to do if I wouldn't have you as my T anymore.
I'm such a mess. I'm so tired all the time. I can't see that I can change. I want to ask you if it's possible that I can get better. I know we have talked about this a few times. That just because things are like this right now, that they don't always have to be like this. But I'm struggling so much. It's so hard to believe that it can me better. Even after reading stories from other people who have been depressed. I just can't see that happening for me.
And even though I wouldn't know what to do without you, I feel like I'm so close to giving up therapy.

Dear MC,

T said in our appt. today that you were out because "something came up." I hope you're OK. (And also that it's not related to the chronically ill family member that made you miss some appointments before. OK, that's partly me being selfish because I want to see you next week. But I also don't want you to be under lots of stress because I care about you.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chummy Dear T 2 more days. Lately I just don't want to go to therapy. I do want to see you, but I really don't look forward to talking. Right now I feel bad. I feel sad. I feel hopeless. I'm wondering if it's just too late. That I can't be helped. All these thought about me and how I see life, maybe they are too strong. Maybe they are too deep in me, and they can't be changed. Maybe I can't change. Maybe it's too late for me. I'm afraid to talk to you about this, because then maybe you don't see any point for me continueing therapy. Because for therapy, to change, you must me motivated and willing to change. I'm I that? I don't know. Therapy seems like my only option. If you would terminate me, what should I do then? You are the only T I have ever trusted. I'm just so scared that I will say something that will made you decide that it's better to terminate me. Possible trigger: That's why I don't mention my suicidal thoughts. I also didn't tell you last week when I was crying in session. I didn't lie to you, but I didn't told you about those thoughts, and how strong they sometimes are. I just wouldn't know what to do if I wouldn't have you as my T anymore. I'm such a mess. I'm so tired all the time. I can't see that I can change. I want to ask you if it's possible that I can get better. I know we have talked about this a few times. That just because things are like this right now, that they don't always have to be like this. But I'm struggling so much. It's so hard to believe that it can me better. Even after reading stories from other people who have been depressed. I just can't see that happening for me. And even though I wouldn't know what to do without you, I feel like I'm so close to giving up therapy.

So I wrote you a real letter. This is in it, with some more stuff. I don't know if I should send it to you. I'm just so scared to get rejected. You have always been a good T for me. But I don't know if you would still want to be my T if I would tell you this. I mean, how can you possible not dislike me when you know these things. How can you not not be fed up with me if you would read it. I know this is work, but even when you get paid, you must get tired of me at some point. How can you still want to see me when you know all these things of me. How can you (want to) help me if I don't think I can be helped.
How can you not hate me.

Dear T, sorry for emailing you so much this week. I don't want to bother you, but I hope you understand.

Dear T,

I'm not going to tell you this but you annoyed (not sure that's the right word) me tonight when you responded to me telling you I made an appointment with my shrink for next week. You said "good that was respectful of you instead of just showing up with out an appointment".

You know that my shrink and I have an agreement and I can show up without an appointment if it's needed because it's rare and only used when I'm in crisis mode.

You get kudos today. Lots of kudos. Thank you for explaining our "misunderstanding" from last session and not minimizing my concerns while being lighthearted at the same time. Thank you for letting me know that my frustration with therapy is not out of the ordinary, and I really, really, really appreciate that you acknowledged that I probably need a break even though I hadn't discussed that with you yet. And especially thank you for letting me talk about pointless stuff today--I couldn't handle dragging through my issues this week yet again.

I thought you didn't get it, that you wouldn't understand, but you do--At least enough to be incredibly helpful. This is the first session I've walked away from in a good mood in a loooong time. I'm feeling so ambitious that I might even tell you all this in person at our last session before my break.

T,
I am so afraid that if we do this that I might shut down. I don't want to go back to not being able to get out of bed, and unable to function. It is already hell pulling myself out of bed daily.

dear T

im sorry for the million texts i sent you while i was at work. i was having a mental breakdown in public. i made it through but it was ****ing hard. i know you said its ok that i spammed your phone so much but i feel bad about it. i hoep you read the email i sent you before we meet on saturday. thanky ou for telling me you care and saying im not crazy. i REALLY hope tomorrow goes better

me

Well, I couldn't tell you straight up tonight that I'm attached to you but I did tell you I'm afraid of becoming dependent on therapy. It was kind of a lie because I'm actually afraid of becoming dependent on you...But thank you for being direct about letting me determine how often I want to see you. I'm not ready to cut back yet but it's really nice to know that you're giving me that control and you're not going to make that decision for me.

Dear T,

I'm sorry I didn't turn up to therapy today, I feel guilty for wasting your time. I hope the courtesy call to your office meant you were not inconvenienced at all.

Do me a favor and tell YOUR PEOPLE (cause they are no longer MY people - you took that away) that they are not my friend. No need for them to pretend because if they choose to lie to me about this matter, they are not my friend.

PS: Don't be surprised if you suddenly start losing clients. No one wants a T they can't trust.

It was good to see you today and it really did help me to feel more clear-headed. There are still problems between H and I and we managed to argue within an hour of me getting back from the session. Sigh. See you next week.

i am not sure what is going on....i really do not want to go to session tomorrow

thank you for yesterday. i'm not sure what you did but I know it made me feel better.

Darling T -

Yesterday was hard.
It was so much.
It hurt.
I hurt.
You were great.
Except when you walked out of the room to take care of something and I had an attack because you were gone.
I didn't realize I needed your presence so much.
You promptly returned and attended to me.
I feel safe with you.
The only place I feel safe.
Is with you.
I'm still in pain.
I'm trying my hardest.

~EM

PS: It's exhausting and I don't want to try anymore...

I know I said to ignore the first message, but this morning, I'm again thinking I really need to tell you how hard this is to do alone...
I'm mad at myself for only feeling safe to do this in your presence. I know I need to find safety outside of your office, but I have no idea how to do that. Everything I try fails.
I alternately over- or under-estimate my ability to cope, so maybe just smile and nod? (and maybe say we can do the really hard stuff together?)
Feel free to hate me...
~t.w.o.

As much as your boundaries suck sometimes, thank you for keeping them. I'm not sure if you do it intentionally, but as much as I hate that you don't always say what I want you to say, I really appreciate it so that it makes it harder for me to become attached and dependent on you.

Why didn't you mention you were going to be out of the office for a couple of days, in this last week that I can contact you, before we say goodbye? We emailed on monday, you could've told me then. You know I had so much left so say and ask, I told you that on monday. It feels like you don't care about me and that you don't know me as well as I thought you did. Otherwise you would've mentioned it. I'm really sad and angry right now. And I don't wanna be. I don't wanna say goodbye being angry at you. You know that as well.

i miss you so much. i need you so much and it kills me.