My T Left Me...Part 2

I just remembered this and thought it might be useful to you.

I once knew a therapist who told me one thing she did when she was really angry was to go into her basement and throw old lightbulbs against the wall (then clean it up). She said if helped her a lot. I don't know if it's doable where you live but just a thought.

Yes, I would still love pocket riders, but my appt with DBT T is Thursday. If I wrote Tuesday, it must have been that I was thinking about my T. My appts with her were on Tuesday.

I have no appts today or Wednesday. Thursday, I will see the Pdoc, DBT group, and the DBT T...all back to back basically.

So you can be a pocket rider today if you want, but we're not going anyhwere

I'm afraid of physically expressed anger. There's a lot of history with that, but it's not something I have talked about with many people.

One thing I do is throw my dogs a ball. They only have soft stuffed toys. And my 2 yr old dogs LOVES yellow balls, so we bought her a ton. So if I need to physically express anger, that's the only thing I feel safe doing. I can throw it as hard and as fast as I want to. We have a hall that we throw the toys down and the dogs love fetching it.

^ that's good, i throw balls for my dog too. i never thought of it as being an anger expressing exercise, but ive been looking for one of those! thank you for the idea.

Some good news!!!

I just texted the DBT T asking her if I could bring my puppy with me. I told her that my T used to let me and it helps me with the anxiety. She texted me back right away and told me I could! I'm so happy.

And my primary's nurse just called me!!! My primary wants to see me! But...they still can't make an appt for me. She's working this Sat at the walk-in clinic and it's a first come/first serve baisis. So I have to be there at........7:30am! Ugh. But still. She hasn't abandoned me. She asked to see me. Who gets happy to see a primary? lol.

But if my primary hasn't abandoned me, then that leaves a decision to be made. When my Pdoc comes back from maternity leave in May, do I return to her? Or stay with the county Pdoc? DBT group with county will be complete in May, and I will be going to the new DBT group if I stick with the DBT T. So there's no real purpose to stay with county. I just have to decide which Pdoc I want more.... Not looking forward to that decision. But I guess the positive is that I still have a decision.

I can honestly say I'm happy today.

Yeah Scarlet!!! Hooray for a good day!!
With the pending funeral, I've been having a tough week so far. Frustrated that the obit hasn't hit the papers or online yet! I need details! I hate getting weepy at work. Hard to see anything with water in your eyes, then drips inside my glasses and onto the paperwork. Ugh! 10 more min. and I'll go home and play with the dogs.
I see my T on Thursday after work. Just don't know if I should be calling her or just wait. I want to wait. Don't know what I need though. Enough about me. Sorry.

It does make me feel better to know you are having a good day. I hope it continues into the evening!

Maybe call your T saying exactly what you wrote? Say: "[I] don't know if I should be calling or just wait [till I see you]. [I] don't know what I need." And you can ask her to update you when she finds out information about the funeral. Just tell her you're feeling a lot of anxiety over the whole situation. She'll understand.

What type of dogs do you have? I have 3 shelties: 9 yrs, 2 yrs, and 6 months. I can't imagine my life w/o them. I wish I had a backyard for them. And most parks and beaches don't allow dogs and the ones that do would be too overwhelming for them.

Give your dogs big hugs when you get home!

I hope I don't scare your dogs. :-)

It was probably my mistake. My brain is inconsistent that way. Now I can blame age. Good.

So glad you're having a good day! I really am, and that your primary nurse called you. Now THIS is what you deserve.

@{:-)---`, (happy dance but bad hair day)

I love your blog. I found the humor entertaining. Laughter is a very good distraction that I use for all sorts of things. Thank you for sharing yours. Your jokes got me thinking

I so want to find a top ten list for things to not say to someone with OCD. The other day My husband said what would be #1 on my list I had some choices to make and make quickly when I heard him 1) get mad at his dumb dumb comment 2) educate him as to why it was such a dumb comment or 3) Laugh and say I should come up with a list of the top 10 things not to say to a person with OCD., cuz you just said one #1.

I chose 2 and 3

I will sign up for pocket-riding duty. I have to get out of this place. Somebody elses' pocket sounds like a nice break from my achey brain!

Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you. I know the nights have been hard. Hope you're able to get some good rest tonight! It's probably much earlier by you, but I'm about to go crash... east coast here, and a long long day. I'm ready for sleep!

I found a transitional object to remind me of my T. And my fiance already bought it for me. It's perfect! So my T was like a teacher to me = apple. Her favorite color was blue. And I wanted something soft, not jewelry or a trinket. So... I found this baby's pillow

Guys, I'm scared. I'm scared to meet this new T. What if I don't like her? Then my search continues And what if I do like her? I don't want my heart broken again. I don't want to become attached again. But I know myself too well. If she's the right T, I will get attached.

And then I wonder about hugs, and things like a letter, pictures, and a transitional object. My T was not the only one I asked for those things. I ask it of almost everyone who is really important in my life. Do I go w/o those thing on purpose? What if she says no if I ask? What if those things are just necessary for me?

What if I have a breakdown? What if I have a panic attack? What if she asks about my SI or SUI thoughts? I'm not going to lie, but what if she over reacts?

How do I trust her? How do I know she will respect my boundary of honesty? How do I trust she's not going to lie to me? Abandon me? How do I know she's being genuine? I don't want a fake relationship.

I'm terrified of this woman. I mean, she seemed nice when I talked to her on the phone. And she was polite and quick when responding to my text. I know she's in her 50's...an age difference that I usually do well with. And I found a picture of her. She looks nice.

But the county T was nice, and I didn't have any connection with her. I actually want to tell the DBT facilitator that I don't want to see the county T again. Idk. I just don't know if I'm ready for all of this. I need help, but I don't want these new people in my life.

Being honest...it's why I also don't want to go to the hospital or crisis house. I'm in no mood to try to socialize with people. I don't even want to see my mom tonight for our weekly dinner.

What's ironic is that DBT Ts (if I understand correctly) are supposed to be basically on call 24/7. Yet it wouldn't be a deal-breaker if she didn't allow any out-of-session contact.

Do DBT Ts have different rules or boundaries from my T? Or is it simply that they practice different techniques? I have NEVER seen a T based on their specialty...ever. What if this type of therapy won't work for me? I'm not sure if I understand DBT since county has modified theirs so much. But I do understand the things I've learned. It's not a far reach for me. I just need help utilizing the skills.

Then I go back to the T and therapeutic relationship. I don't want to do this! I still want my T. I don't want another one. This will be my 10th T! What if she leaves me before I'm stable like this one did? What if I'm too much? What if she's dumber than me?!?! That is a very scary thought. This probably isn't her first career unless she was a stay-at-home mom. I assume this because she still doesn't have her license at her age.

What if I develop maternal transference. I would HATE that!!! I don't ever want to go through that again. Attachment is bad enough. What if I have to regress to progress? What if I fail? What if there's negative transference (or is it another term like projection?) because of my anger with my T?

How do I do this? I have never done this before...not like this. My T before this last T abandoned me. It hurt, but I actually didn't like her (even though I stayed with her for 2 year ). And I didn't find another T. Instead, I locked myself in the house. And the T before that one, transferred to a different city. But we were already starting to reduce sessions, and she allowed me to go back to weekly until she left. She also helped me find the next T. So this all is new to me. I don't like new. I don't like change. I don't like the unknown.

And then, do DBT Ts help with all issues? What about spirituality issues? My T was supposed to help me with that when I was ready. Or what about sexuality issues? Luckily, there's not many issues in that category. And how do I get over the guilt and shame of my "secret"? I'll have to tell someone to get help for it...I assume? I don't want to tell anyone else.

Could that be why my T left me? Omg. That's when I felt things first change. I thought it was me that changed. Maybe it was her? What if it was? What if I tell the new T, and it changes her view of me. Will I have to suffer with my guilt forever?

How can I possibly go forward w/o knowing what went wrong with my T? How do I recognize the signs?

I'm so terrified!

Scarlet,

time to take a deep breath and hug a puppy.

If any of the things occur, you will find a way of dealing with them. You are capable of this. And while it is not impossible that some of the things happen, they will not happen all and not all at the same time.

I think the key is to try to communicate as calmly and clearly as possible. Write stuff down for her if necessary. She is not going to over react if you tell her you have sui ideation and SI, but also tell her which coping strategies you have and that you have emergency plans in place for when you cannot handle a situation.

If you don't like her immediately, give her a chance. Sometimes, we have to attune to new people and situations. When I started with my t, I thought he was ok and would be capable of helping me part of the way. But I wasn't thrilled to have found him. Now, I'm so glad I didn't go looking for someone else because he is just awesome.

Attachment is likely going to happen. So is transference. Therapy doesn't work without it. Voice your concerns to the t and discuss with her how you are going to tackle this together. There is a way of working through transference and attachment. And they are normal feelings that you don't have to be ashamed of. Ts have to be prepared to handle these things professionally.

Hugs!

Trying to stay calm. None of this is easy for me

I did some deep breathing, crying on my fiance, cuddling with dogs, Ativan, and chocolate covered blueberries.

I looked up more on the new T. She's trained in ethics. I guess that's a plus. She's in her late 50's and is a widow Looks like she has 2 sons. I found a picture of her at a party showing way too much cleavage. She also needs to be careful of the information that's out there on her. I found her current and last home address and phone number. I will be telling her about that if I continue to see her. It's one thing to find general info, but I shouldn't have been able to find addresses and phone numbers within the first page of a simple google search.

But nothing I found helps me. Like, she got a degree in religious studies. That could be great to help me in the future, bad if she's judgemental, or it might not mean a thing. Same with the picture of her at a party. It's her life, and she is single. I doubt she'll show up to work looking like that.

Someone needs to create a "match.com" to help match clients to therapist

Still can't sleep. Can't stop thinking about my T and worrying about new T. I really do miss her. I don't understand any of this. It's not fair.

No. It's not fair!
((( hugs)))

(((SP)))
I don't think it's fair how we get so emotionally attached to our T's to begin with...

Good morning, Scarlet!

I just read your post from last night ((((hugs)))). I love the transitional object you got from your fiancée.

You asked some good questions last night. They look to me like good things to bring up with DBT T when you see her. If not at the first appointment then early on.

I hope you have another good day today.

Rags

that's a cool idea

DBT Ts are well aware of SI and SUI thoughts. They're trained to deal with it.

Have you ever read about Marsha Linehan who wrote DBT? Take a moment and read her story if you haven't (I may have posted it before, but I think it's worth a second read). Expert on Mental Illness Reveals Her Own Fight

DBT wasn't developed by some cold clinician. It was developed by a woman who has and does live these things.

If it helps, here's the list of assumptions for DBT. In my own book I have an updated version since Linehan just released the second edition and it has an explanation for each of the assumptions for clients.

I'd type up the new one because I think it's really pretty fantastic (much improved on the one that I linked above), but it's long.

And if you don't like this DBT T, you can always ask to see another one.

Hiya Scarlet...

I love the apple pillow too, how perfect! Your fiance found that for you? He did good!

re: You looking up the new T (her age, her family, her ethics training, her tipsy cleavage ) - just be careful! I do that too... not just the looking up stuff, but the picking all kinds of random bits, and analyzing them to death to try to figure out "who this person is" and if it's going to be a good fit. And, I think it hasn't worked out for me... It seems like it should, it seems SO logical... but in reality, people (even Ts!) are so much more complex, that until you're in the room face-to-face actually interacting with them, there's no telling how well you'll click.

Just my opinion. (So, I thought my T might actually have a pilot's license, and might even be teaching people to fly in his free time! Why? One of his profiles mentioned that he works with "aviation professionals". When I mentioned wanting to take flying lessons at my first session, he made some comments that sounded like he knew what he was talking about. Richard Bach came up in conversation at one point, and he quickly pointed out that he's a pilot, and talked about his recent crash. Etc. I finally asked him, with great anticipation b/c I thought - "this would make him the coolest T EVER" and NOPE! He's actually afraid of heights! Go figure... all my data and analysis, all totally wrong!!! I was crushed, btw! LOL.)

I have said this before, and I agree a million percent! I have no idea how it could work though, given some therapists are GREAT with some people, but AWFUL with others. It seems so hard to predict how two people will hit it off. I don't know... it sure would make things easier. There HAS to be an easier way, don't you think?

*hugs* Hang in there. I really hope that the new DBT T does a good job of being kind, empathic, and compassionate when you meet her, and that you get a good feeling and feel like she's a good fit! Fingers crossed for you... (we need a fingers-crossed icon!)

i wish i'd had a match.com with my old T who triggered the hell out of me.

Things will get better, promise