My T Left Me...Part 2

I'm sorry you had such a hard night. I hope things are looking brighter this morning. You are a wonderful person and you deserve to be happy and well.

Is your sleep schedule off that you are awake so late/early? I know for myself, that not sleeping at night, or especially getting really wonky with no set schedule, can really make bad feelings and thoughts a thousand times worse.

You are not wrong for feeling angry with your therapist for what she did. Anybody would feel angry and maybe fantasize about hurting her back. How can you get over a betrayal like this without going through that anger? It shows you are progressing a great deal in dealing with what she did.

You're right that therapists don't stay forever. They don't, and they are supposed to help you learn to deal with that, not do what your therapist did and make false promises about being there forever. Maybe addressing this upfront can be helpful in approaching your new DBT therapist. Maybe they can work with you on how to get close to people while learning to accept that they won't always be there and how to deal with those feelings. Maybe understanding where you are coming from can help your new therapist realize they need to be all the more gentle and respectful of you.

What your therapist did to you was the height of disrespect for you as a client and as an autonomous human being. I swear, sometimes the things I read on here from people whose therapists pull stuff like this, makes me think a lot of mental health professionals are on a massive power trip!

I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I'm angry on your behalf, at something deplorable that was done to you by a professional who ought to have known better. I hope it's okay that I say you are in my prayers and I hope you are keeping yourself safe today, and that it will be a good day. There can and will be good days for you ahead. You are brilliant and resilient and you are going to get through this and be even stronger for it. Whatever those voices are telling you that's bad about yourself, listen to the people on here instead who are telling you how fantastic you are, that none of this is your fault, and that you deserve to be happy and healthy. Those voices, like some therapists, lie their patooties off.

I slept a little. Kept waking up though. That's actually why I'm awake now. My head hurts so bad from the crying and lack of sleep. But hey, I made it through another night. And I didn't harm myself.

You all gave me a lot to think on, or I guess more appropriately, hold onto. And it made me smile.

Again, I will respond later. I just wanted to say I read your responses and that I'm safe.

well done for making it through another night!! you did it! you are a fighter SP.

You definitely do count! It's why I'm still writing. I know you all care. As my T said, actions speak louder than words. None of you have to reply. None of you have to read what I write. But you choose to. And I keep coming back here because it is helping so much. And at night, even though everyone is asleep, at least I have an outlet on here. At least I have someone to talk to. I may not get a reply right away, but any reply is better than no reply. And everyone's reply has helped me so so much. Just to know that I'm thought about... It also makes me accountable. I can't just disappear. I do not ever want to hurt anyone, so if I disappeared, I would leave you all wondering and worrying. I know I need to get to the point where I can fight completely on my behalf, but for now, I'm using you all as one of my reasons to fight

Even when I write here or reply to other people's post, I only start off with a feeling. Sometimes I am able to writing clearly, sometimes not so much. Sometimes it helps, sometimes not so much

I like what you said about how you will have parts of your Ts with you. All the people I had, have, and will have in my life do make up a part of me. They are forever in my heart and have imparted or imprinted a part of themselves on me. The issue with my T is that I can't seem to deal with the conflict of her breaking her promises.

I always ask people to be honest with me. Honest doesn't mean you have to be cruel, but just be truthful. I know pain often times comes with honesty. I can deal with the sting of such pain, but the betrayal...that is when I split people. I just can't comprehend it. And most of my existence has been based on logic...and what my T did does not fit with everything I thought I knew about her. So who was/is she? Idk. And because I don't know, I'm cycling through idealizing her and devaluing her. Which one is her? Which one is real?

My crisis house counselor was working this morning, but I didn't call. I can only call her one more time. She's not meant to be a constant part of my life. With her, I understand it. The boundaries were very clear. I understand she cares and that we have a connection, and possibly given the opportunity, the relationship could really grow. But that's not her purpose in my life. And I do not think she cares any less about me because of the boundaries. But it also means I must take advantage of what time I am allowed with her. And since I only get one more phone call, I want to make sure I get the maximum benefit from it. So I think/hope by waiting to see how it goes with the DBT T, I can either gain more advice, support, wisdom or maybe even update her on progress to demonstrate to her that her time, effort, and care with me has been valuable.

IP is a difficult topic for me. I am so resistant to it. It's like what's left of my life is being taken away from me. There's more to it, but I have no words for it. But it's like I have to stepping off the ledge to go and/or be forced into it.

I once asked my Pdoc (the one on maternity leave), to force my into IP. Really, I did. I asked her to take the control away from me. She said she can't. She wished she could, but until I was an actual threat to myself or someone else, she couldn't do anything.

The only times I've been IP was because I was forced to. The only times I've been to a crisis house was because I was forced to and one time had no other option. And I've only been in IOP once. I gladly went to that because I was homeless, so it was that or spend my days on the streets.

It's just something that, again, I'm extremely resistant to

My sleep schedule is definitely off. I'm sleeping too much during the day. I have also suffered from an eratic sleep schedule for as long as I can remember. Even in preschool: I was the child they had such a hard time getting to take a nap that if/when they did get me to sleep, they let me sleep past nap time. I suffer from over sleeping, difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep, and having a consistent sleep schedule.

I will definitely be bring up to the next T how to be close to someone while also accepting and dealing with the fact that they won't always be there. That is a MAJOR issue of mine. Thank you for putting it out in clear words.

I do not control what you or anyone else think or feel. If you or anyone else are angry with my T, I can accept that. Especially since anger is one of the many emotions I feel towards her. She hurt me. I can't say that she intentionally hurt me, but she sure didn't do anything to lessen the pain. She didn't need to do this to me. If it was money, I would have paid. If it was distance, she could have worked with me to easy me into the transition. I never hurt her or disrespected her...minus the last session. I always stayed within the boundaries she laid out.

I have been listening to what you and everyone else has been telling me. I try to hold onto it all for as long as I can. The "voices" in my head have always been my harshest critc. My T once told me that I'm more verbally abusive to myself than my fiance was. That's sad...

All I can say is that I really am trying. I'm trying so hard to stay together through this all. The pain gets to be too much at times, but when it reduces, I go back to fighting.

I was one of the people who thought your T sounded wonderful. I'm so sad now that I ever thought that, honestly! Clearly, we were all wrong. Your T screwed up... a lot! From the little I understand, it honestly sounds like she didn't have the right training or experience to handle your issues... just like if you went to a dermatologist for help with the measles.

I find the whole thing really upsetting too, because I think it happens a lot (and I worry about it with my own T, since I've been terminated from a T in the past who suddenly realized, "Oh crap, I didn't realize you had a dissociative disorder - I have no clue what to do, but I can't treat you! Please leave!"

Sorry, it sucks so much. It would honestly have been so much better if she had listened to you in the beginning, when you explained that you had BPD issues, and if she had referred you to someone competent for those issues then, before you were so attached. It might still have stung, but she would have saved you a lot of pain, and helped you get to someone who could actually help sooner.

I'm sorry - I feel like I'm venting a little here, and I want it to be supportive and I'm not sure if it's coming across that way. Honestly, your T really just makes me angry. It's really not right that she treated you like this. I absolutely can allow for Ts being human and making mistakes, but even with all that, there are much better ways for her to have handled this. There was really no reason for her to drop this on you the way she did, all of a sudden, at the start of a session. She could have gently led up to it, she could have chosen to stay present with you and helped you through the transition, and she could have allowed ongoing contact, even if it needed to have some boundaries in place, as you guys had previously discussed.

*argh*. I'm sorry Scarlett, it just makes me really mad on your behalf. I know that you still struggle with the feelings for her, but man, seriously, if *I* could report her and have her lose her license, I'd do it in a *heartbeat*. Sorry, but there you go. I just think that, as a T, she had an obligation here and she really, seriously *failed* at that.

Oh no! Please don't be too hard on yourself. I think Ts are *trained* to not show their real emotions during sessions. I actually just read a blog post that someone made about this, about how they were seeing a new pdoc, and they mentioned SI, and things kind of went downhill. She said that it was really unfortunate, because in "real life", people give you subtle clues when you start to overwhelm them or when you make them uncomfortable, and you can choose to pull back and share less information in those cases. But Ts (and pdocs) don't do that. They're trained to put aside their own reactions and keep projecting a calm, caring, interested look, so that you can open up and talk.

So, please don't think that you not picking up on this means you're universally bad at reading people. Not your fault!

Hmm. You know what. I think you're just surrounded by people who don't know how to love, or how to be kind, or have their own mental issues getting in the way.

It sucks, because it's really hard to be at the center of a family like this (mine is similar!) - it's hard to figure out what parts are *them* and their craziness, and what parts are yours.

But *everything* you've said, everything I've seen from you here on this forum, everything in my mind points to the problem being *them*.

It's like... let's say the world is split 50/50 with decent, loving, sane, healthy people (ha - and really, I think 50% might be a high estimate there!) versus people who can't really love, who have their own mental health issues that get in the way or just don't understand how to be caring and supportive.

It's like... you're surrounded by 3 or 4 people from the group who can't love. But it feels like that's the whole world.

But, I think the "how do we go on?" question is... as hard as it is, we go on and try to find people from that other group! We try to find people that are capable of being loving, and caring, and supportive, and good friends and partners. We try to find them, connect with them, learn from them, and reciprocate to others where we can. (And for me anyway, I try to minimize my contact with people that make me feel bad and less loved... )

I'm sorry, I know I'm talking with a lot of logic, and logic doesn't usually help with the emotions. I'm still so sorry that you're having to go through all this, and still believe that you deserve much better. I wish I had better answers, because I suspect that many of us are struggling with very similar issues (I can relate very much to a lot of what you said)...

Take care... be kind to yourself today. And I hope you're able to get some sleep!!! Sleep is important, my emotions are always a lot crazier when I'm sleep-deprived.

Okay. Last post, then I have to get ready to see the county T.

I got to talk to the advocate this morning. I emailed her over the weekend asking for advice/support and if she can get me the letter, picture, and object my T promised me. She talked to me for about 20mins. She said she would try to get me the letter. She's actually starting the grievance process today (she just got my signed consents today), so she'll put in a request for the letter since it's supposed to be in my file. As for the picture, she told me go on social media and take all the pictures I want. It's public knowledge, so it's not stealing...lol. She told me that even if she asks, my T won't give me the object. So she asked me to say one word that describes the healthy part of my relationship with my T. I said teacher. She asked me to say the first symbol that came to mind of a teacher. I said apple. She told me to have my fiance go out and buy me an apple (not a real apple, but an object shaped as an apple or desig ed with apples). She said I will still have an object that reminds me of my T, and it will be given to me by someone who is still in my life. I told my fiance already, and he likes the idea too.

And, I didn't mention that you all told me too, but her first words of advice was to go to the beach

She told me to call her Wednesday and update her on how my appt with county T goes today. She also said that I can look to her for support and advice through this process.

I'm so grateful, but it's also sad that I am receiving so much support and encouragement from people who barely know me...so much more than a woman who knew the ins and outs of my being.

Thank you all

hugs Scarlet ((((SP)))))

IP is safe, lots of support, no responsibility for anyone except yourself. Nothing taken away. Time to get some stability. If it's an acceptable facility and affordable, I don't see any negatives.

As a physician, I would admit you today.

Just my opinion but you are fragile and unstable right now. I'm sure your loved ones that know you are very worried.

And I am completely not offended if you disagree!!!

((((SP)))). A little late today...

How are you doing today nervous puppy? (((((NP))))) for you too.

Well, the county T was nice. But I'm glad she's not my T. There was no connection. Like I literally feel more of a connection with you all then I did with her. I'll see her one more time, in two weeks, but that's it.

She suggested I do art before going to bed, and take up journaling again. She thinks she can get me to be self-rekiant and have closure over the termination in 6 weeks. I wish. That's totally unrealistic. I really hope the DBT T works out. I don't want to meet anymore new people right now. It stresses me out.

I hope the DBT T works out for you too. I'm lurking even if I don't post much <3

If you were my physician and force me into IP, I would gladly go based on the promise that'd IP wouldn't terminate us.

But then again, I don't know you and you're not my physician. I kinda don't have any doctors who are actively involved in my care atm. They all went "poof". Always happens.

But seriously, I would gladly go if someone took that power out of my hands. Would I be pissed, hurt? Yeah. But I get over things like that.

Just making that decision on my own...I can't. It's like I can't take that level of responsibility for myself until I'm right at breaking point.

Well, I kind of thought you were at the breaking point.....based on your own self reports.

Breaking point for me is a thin line. Struggling at night, only at night, no matter how severe is not breaking point. Struggling during the day, when I'm with people or have access to people, that's a breaking point. If the severe depression is only at night, I just have to survive the night however I can.

Now, to you (and probably the rest of the world), I should go IP before I get to that point. But I can't make that decision until I hit my point.

Does that make sense? Not as in logical sense, but clarity sense?

Now the day my T terminated, I hit that point. I told my fiance he had to take me to the hospital. I knew that I wouldn't survive at home even if my fiance was there. Being at the hospital, taking the Ativan did calm me down, so they told me to make my own decision.

Hospitalization is probably the right thing for me. But I am surviving during the day pretty well. I judge my mental state on crying. I'm not crying during the day. I am reaching out. And I haven't SI'ed since my T told me not to contact her again.

Do I need help? Yeah. Could I use more support? Yeah. If I was forced into IP would I have a sense of relief for the decision being taken out of my hands. Definite, resounding yes. But I can't make that decision when I am still coping.

I apologize if that's frustrating. I do understand that it is. But that's where I'm at.

I just wanted to respond to this part because it's actually important to me. I accept everyone for who they are. I may not get along or agree with everyone, but I still value everyone's individuality. So I appreciate I'm in your prayers, truly.

I have my own issues with religion/spirituality, but that doesn't mean I don't have my own beliefs. My conflicts lie within myself. I was raised with no religion, went deep into christianity in h.s., and now have my own non-defined beliefs. My conflict lies with what I believe and what I was taught. But I do believe in God, so I do believe in prayer. I just wanted to address this, so you or anyone else don't worry about offending me.

So I was watching the cooking channel with my fiance tonight. We just were relaxing together and watching the dogs play. A meal that was on the show was lemongrass shrimp. I started thing about my childhood when I would pick lemongrass and chew on the shoots. It reminded me of also squeezing the drops of nectar from the honeysuckle flowers. That reminded me that there are honeysuckle flowers outside my T's office window. And she took a picture of the view for me the week before she terminated. The pictures was meant for me to focus on and help during times of anxiety. But now, the picture brings me no comfort, only pain. So I break down crying...

I want so much to be back in the safety of her office, to feel that comfort and love.

When I was talking to the county T today, I realized that I can't think of any logical reason for this termination...least not a good logical reason. It was because of the insurance. We had planned to fight them and/or I pay out-of-pocket. It wasn't boundaries. All she had to do is change the boundaries if needed. And her schedule was booked with clients. Why did she put in a request for more sessions if she was planning on terminating? Wth hell changed in 7 days? I just keep trying to make sense of this. She promised honesty above all else. Why did she lie then? She lied about everything she promised me.

I want a time machine to go back to 4 weeks ago. I want to just hug her and hold onto her. I want to steal her sweater () and get my letter from my file. I want my T back!

Seriously, someone tell me!!!....If love is a choice, and my T chose to stop loving me, how do I stop loving her? I don't want to love her anymore. I don't want to remember her. I wish I never met her. But I want and need her so badly.

I think wanting to stop loving her is very normal and understandable; you've been hurt a great deal and it must be horrible to just be left hanging.
I think time really will heal it. it's just a case of being patient with yourself... eventually your feelings for her will 'mellow', but its a gradual process unfortunately not a sudden one.

Extra hugs this morning...(((SP))) (((SP))) (((SP)))
For both of us
wishing you a peaceful day

Hey Scarlet,

I have very strong feelings (aka fears) about going ip as well. For me, the loss of control it would bring is incredibly fear-inspiring. This involves small things (which are a big deal for me): food (I have food sensitivities, which are most likely partly psychosomatic, but the effect they have is very real); the way I structure my day; the kind of exercise I get. I realize that my fear of losing control over these simple things says a lot about how desperately I cling to these to provide me some sense of security I cannot create for myself otherwise; and that it would be good if I were capable of letting go of these crutches. But I can't seem to at the moment.

However, I recently listened to a podcast by two psychiatrists, sharing their views on ip psychotherapy. It was interesting to hear their perspective, and it has helped me to see potential benefits (the podcast is in German unfortunately). I'm still not considering ip, but it was good to not only read about patients' experiences.

morning, Scarlet.

You still want purse riders for your T appointment today? I'll be the one sticking my head up watching the T and quickly ducking back in when she glances in my direction.

Seriously, I hope it goes well and she's able to "get" you and give you the kind of therapy you need.