[ScarletPimpernel]

I went to the ER last night. I'm taking an antibiotic and it got stuck in my throat and dissolved causing extreme pain. The doctor actually prescribed lidocaine to help relieve the pain.

Anyways, while in the waiting room, my Pdoc walks into the ER in labor. She had her baby 5 hours ago.

I don't know why she was at that hospital. There's one closer to where she lives.

I am happy for her: happy she had her baby, he's beautiful, and he's healthy.

But I wish I didn't see her. For one, I hate seeing people out in public. It causes me a lot of anxiety. Two, all it did was bring up all the pain I felt with the way we left things. It reminded me how much I missed her.

This just adds to my depression and feelings of abandonment.

Then group today, the facilitator was there which also reminded me of the lack of support.

I'm not doing good

[NowhereUSA]

I'm sorry

I know I personally picked a place far away from a hospital that's near me because I didn't like the hospital near me. Also, it can depend on where her OB has rights too.

Either way, what a crazy chance run-in. That would throw me off if I saw my T someplace I wasn't expecting.

I know it's trite, but sometimes you've got to focus on the donut and not the hole.

[JustShakey]

(((SP)))
I know it's hard, but I kinda agree with Lickety here. I think it's randomly awesome that you got to be there for such an important moment in your Pdoc's life, especially considering how important she is to you.

Keep up the good work Scarlett. One day soon it'll hopefully be you walking into the ED in labor.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Soccer mom]

Did she see you? Did you have a chance to say hi?

[SnakeCharmer]

I'm so happy your pdoc had her baby safely, a healthy beautiful boy! That's really good news. It's so weird you were at the hospital when she came in to have her baby, after you've felt so much distress over the separation. Some people would say the Universe threw you together at this crucial time. Dr. Jung would call it synchronicity. I call it amazing.

This is blessed news and my hope is that over time you'll be able to forgive her for letting you down for the way the separation happened and when she's back to work the two of you will work this out.

Underneath all the distressing emotion, I know you're got to feel relieved and happy, too, because not too long ago you were feeling worried sick about her well-being.

Sometimes it's important to drop the logic and to go with the heart. I know you were looking for an explanation for her actions and wanted to know why why why, over-analyzing while the emotions were running wild. When a women is 6-7 months pregnant sometimes dropping the logic and giving them some slack is the most loving and forgiving thing we can do.

You have a great big loving heart in there Scarlet. Hope you can feel it in a big loving way. It really will help, as confusing as it is right now. Maybe Dr. Jung was right about this weird synchronicity thing ... maybe.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by licketysplit

I know it's trite, but sometimes you've got to focus on the donut and not the hole.

This made me smile. But I like the metaphor too.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by JustShakey

(((SP)))
I know it's hard, but I kinda agree with Lickety here. I think it's randomly awesome that you got to be there for such an important moment in your Pdoc's life, especially considering how important she is to you.

Keep up the good work Scarlett. One day soon it'll hopefully be you walking into the ED in labor.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I hope. With all the depression and anxiety over the past couple months, it has set me way back on my progress. I have to eat right, exercise, lose 45lbs , and quit smoking. Before all of this, I only had 15lbs left to lose... Unless it happens naturally, I won't be getting pregnant probably for at least another 6months to a year

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

Did she see you? Did you have a chance to say hi?

I was on the other side of the room. She did see me. She looked over a bunch of times. We didn't acknowledged each other in any other way though. I would never approach her in public. That is her private life. I would have left if it would have been anywhere else, but I needed to see a doctor. She didn't stay in the ER anyways. They took her up to maternity about 5mins after she arrived.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

I'm so happy your pdoc had her baby safely, a healthy beautiful boy! That's really good news. It's so weird you were at the hospital when she came in to have her baby, after you've felt so much distress over the separation. Some people would say the Universe threw you together at this crucial time. Dr. Jung would call it synchronicity. I call it amazing.

This is blessed news and my hope is that over time you'll be able to forgive her for letting you down for the way the separation happened and when she's back to work the two of you will work this out.

Underneath all the distressing emotion, I know you're got to feel relieved and happy, too, because not too long ago you were feeling worried sick about her well-being.

Sometimes it's important to drop the logic and to go with the heart. I know you were looking for an explanation for her actions and wanted to know why why why, over-analyzing while the emotions were running wild. When a women is 6-7 months pregnant sometimes dropping the logic and giving them some slack is the most loving and forgiving thing we can do.

You have a great big loving heart in there Scarlet. Hope you can feel it in a big loving way. It really will help, as confusing as it is right now. Maybe Dr. Jung was right about this weird synchronicity thing ... maybe.

You're right. It's a huge relief to know that she and the baby are okay. Well, I know the baby's okay. I assume she is too. I know he arrived 1 day after his due date and was 9lbs! He looked very cute and healthy (of course I'm not supposed to know any of this ).

I guess you're right too. It was probably meant to be. How odd that I have something as weird a pill dissolving in the wrong location and needing to see a doctor at the same time my Pdoc is in labor?

It's like a few months ago, I ran into my ex-counselor who I hadn't seen in 9 years. The timing was perfect. My fiance wanted to sleep in for another hour, but I forced him to get up and take me to the lab. My counselor had been holding o to her lab order for months and decided to just get it over with that day. We could have easily missed each other as the lab for both of us was a simple blood draw. And now, I will hopefully be able to meet up with her again at the end of the month (at least that's the plan).

I have no ill will towards my Pdoc. I don't hate her. I'm not angry with her. But I am still hurt.

And it hurts more because my T, group facilitator, and primary have become less available/not available.

But I guess seeing her, and all the feelings that came up, prove that I still care about her very much and she's still important to me. I haven't erased her from my life and might actually be able to reconnect with her when she comes back. I do actually hope so. Though I might change my mind, as of right now I'm pretty set on leaving county when I'm done with DBT. It just isn't what it's supposed to be.

I do miss my Pdoc.

[Ad Intra]

Well that's a unique way to see your pdoc in public lol.
I imagine seeing anyone who you have a emotional reaction to is hard. It would hurt for me to see my old-T in public.
Though I'm sorry your meds caused the pain and that you had that emotional trigger.

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I hope. With all the depression and anxiety over the past couple months, it has set me way back on my progress. I have to eat right, exercise, lose 45lbs , and quit smoking. Before all of this, I only had 15lbs left to lose... Unless it happens naturally, I won't be getting pregnant probably for at least another 6months to a year

You'll get there.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

i would have a mass of confusing horrible emotions seeing my therapist with her new baby, so i can only imagine how it feels for you.

don't blame yourself for not feeling too happy for her or not feeling the 'right' emotions for when someone has a baby. it's bound to hurt and not to mention the overwhelming anxiety of running into your pdoc. whatever you're feeling is valid. i understand it was probably a nasty shock.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I hope. With all the depression and anxiety over the past couple months, it has set me way back on my progress. I have to eat right, exercise, lose 45lbs , and quit smoking. Before all of this, I only had 15lbs left to lose... Unless it happens naturally, I won't be getting pregnant probably for at least another 6months to a year

You mentioned in one of your other threads that you are inclined towards perfectionism - is it really the case that you need to lose 45lbs, or is that you trying to be 'perfect'? Just something to consider.

Lots of

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

i would have a mass of confusing horrible emotions seeing my therapist with her new baby, so i can only imagine how it feels for you.

don't blame yourself for not feeling too happy for her or not feeling the 'right' emotions for when someone has a baby. it's bound to hurt and not to mention the overwhelming anxiety of running into your pdoc. whatever you're feeling is valid. i understand it was probably a nasty shock.

I am attached to my Pdoc, but it's not transference. I have no problem knowing she has a personal life. I do like knowing the facts, but I have no desire to be a part of her personal life at any point in time. I'm a firm believer in not having dual relationships. Some people, yes, I would hope for some sort of relationship after the professional relationship is over. But while anyone is in my life as a professional, I want them to solely have that role and no other.

I didn't see my Pdoc with her baby. I just saw her in labor and with her husband. I know what the baby looks like because I saw his picture online.

There's only 2 reasons why it upset me to see her.

1. I don't like seeing anyone in public unless it's planned. Maybe that's the agoraphobia? I saw my sister once at the grocery store and it caused me a lot of anxiety.
2. The last time I saw her, I had a horrible appointment. She did call me a month later, but the feelings from the last appointment still persist. I miss her a lot, but I haven't dealt with the temporary loss of her in my life. So seeing her triggered all those emotions.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

You mentioned in one of your other threads that you are inclined towards perfectionism - is it really the case that you need to lose 45lbs, or is that you trying to be 'perfect'? Just something to consider.

Lots of

I actually wish that was the case. 45lbs is based off of medical advice. My own (perfectionist) personal goal, would to be 75lbs lighter than what I am (I'm not a small girl...).

For once, I will be more than happy to not be a perfectionist!

I also have to get my A1C to 5.7 or below. I don't even want to know what it is currently at with the way my diet has been the last 3 months.

And all these health goals has to be natural (i.e. no pills, fad diets, etc.) Actually, the only diet I'm allowed to follow is the South Beach Diet. Otherwise, it's simply eating healthy. I have to be able to maintain my health while pregnant.

And honestly, what's required of me is not that difficult. I'm alloted 45g of carbs for each of my 3 meals and 15g for each of my 3 snacks. And for exercise, I only have to walk for 10mins after every meal (20mins would be optimal). Btw, in case anyone is curious, there's about 15g in one slice of whole wheat bread or 1/3 cup of rice.

It's very doable. I just have to get past this anxiety and depression so I stop emotionally eating.

[nervous puppy]

(((SP))) I haven't been online in several days and I just want to check and see how you were doing. Hoping today is going a little better than yesterday. If everyday is just a little better than the day before, then after a week or two weeks or a month, we should find ourselves in a much better place.
I'm with you on the diet thing and need to lose pretty much the same weight wise (a little more than you actually).
While crying like a fool in T's office the other day, she "coached" me through some breathing to get me to calm down. I'm wondering if something like that would help you?
Deep slow breaths and concentrate on listening to your breathing in and out. Feel your limbs one by one go limp and relax. Maybe you know all this already. Just a thought.
Take care of yourself.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by nervous puppy

(((SP))) I haven't been online in several days and I just want to check and see how you were doing. Hoping today is going a little better than yesterday. If everyday is just a little better than the day before, then after a week or two weeks or a month, we should find ourselves in a much better place.
I'm with you on the diet thing and need to lose pretty much the same weight wise (a little more than you actually).
While crying like a fool in T's office the other day, she "coached" me through some breathing to get me to calm down. I'm wondering if something like that would help you?
Deep slow breaths and concentrate on listening to your breathing in and out. Feel your limbs one by one go limp and relax. Maybe you know all this already. Just a thought.
Take care of yourself.

Thank you for checking in on me. I'm still dealing with my depressive episode But I'm also doing a little better. It's been 1 1/2 weeks with this episode, so I'm holding onto hope that it will be over in a few days.

My fiance has actually been really supportive. He still argues with me at the start of a breakdown, but it doesn't escalate and he does stop after about 10mins. Last night I had another breakdown. He was so good. He tried suggesting coping skills to help. He told me to listen to music, but I told him I didn't want to listen to anything I have. I don't know how we came up with it, but he went and got me some nature sounds to help me sleep.

Today he is going to try to find me sounds of a breeze blowing through the trees. My T has me do deep breathing and mindful exercises when I'm at her office. We always stand, look out her window, and identify sights, sounds, physical feelings, and smells. She took a picture of her view for me so I can always look at her view. There's a perfect ocean breeze at her place, so maybe the sounds of a breeze will help put me with the safety of my T even more.

Other than that, I'm trying to just take everyone's suggestions and try not to be so hard on myself. I try to give myself credit for every little thing: taking a shower, brushing my teeth, feeding the dogs, taking my meds, getting dressed, etc.

Yesterday, my puppy had her spay surgery. My fiance cannot completely take care of her. So taking care of her is a constant reminder of why I need to live. She needs me. She doesn't understand the pain. She is my responsibility. Yes, this is stressful for me to be required to do xyz when I don't have energy, but it provides me with a little motivation, accountability, and lots and lots of love. I have to watch her 24/7 for 2 weeks. Of course, I can always put the cone on her head if I need a break, but I don't want her to wear it unless I absolutely need a break.

And you're right... I need to practice deep breathing. It's easy to do, can be done anywhere, and it does work. For some reason, I just don't do it. My T gets on my case every week about doing it. She also gave me a relaxation cd I should be using... When you're in the thick of it all, everything else seems to fly out the window.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Forgot to add: saw a picture of my Pdoc with new baby and family at home. So she is doing well too

[Patsfan]

My Pdoc used to live about 1/2 mile from parents. I would see her every once in a while. We would exchange pleasantries but that's about it.