[jbug]

I have a big problem of eye contact with my T. I don't look at him but at the floor next to his filing cabinet. I really hate it when he tells me to look at him when he's making a point about something. I look at him for a minute and then back to the floor. Do any of you have this problem and if so how did you get over it? I look at everybody else. It took a long time for me to look at my GP but I do now. For some reason I can't look at my T.

Jbug

I have trouble looking at T and P-doc. I am getting better but I still look away alot. If they insist I look at them when I am uncomfortable, I look at their foreheads, not their eyes. They can't tell.

I find it really hard when they look at me with compassion or T's eyes fill with tears. That someone would/could care enough about me to "feel" personally touched by my words/life story, well, I just don't know how to handle it.

I have just started to look at my T. If I am talking to him, I look everywhere besides his face. But if he is talking to me, I have started to look at him. I decided that if I don't, I'm wasting something away. He's an amazing person, and I know I'm not going to be with him forever. Maybe a long time, but not forever. I don't ever want to regret not looking at his eyes. I guess that's also why I have been more open with him lately-- no regrets. Hopefully I will be able to start looking at him while I talk. And I hope you can, too.

Yup I don't look at my T either. Instead I sneak a look when I feel shes thinking about something. Then I take in as much detail as possible. I wonder if not making eye contact hinders the feeling her eyes can give? But shame is what keeps us from making eye contact. We feel they can see inside of us.

[sunrise]

I don't look at my T whenever I have something difficult to say. I allow it to be a signal between us that this is hard for me. For example, this can happen at the beginning of a session when I am just getting back into "therapy mode" and we have exchanged pleasantries and I am trying to get started on the difficult stuff. I start saying the hard stuff with eyes downcast. I look him in the eyes when I am ready to engage with him authentically and wholeheartedly. It shows I am not scared of our connection. Where my eyes are in the room is another way I communicate to him my feelings.

[sidony]

I have a hard time looking at my therapist though I've gotten a little better about it. I also find it easier to look at him when he's talking than when I am. He doesn't tell me to look at him though, and he once mentioned that when he first went to therapy himself (years and years ago) he memorized all the patterns on the carpet because he couldn't look at his own therapist either. I try to hold his gaze occasionally but I always look away first.

Last week he was looking at me really intently and I said (teasing) "so you're going to stare at me for the whole hour?" His response "well, what's left of 50 minutes."

I love my therapist.

Sidony

[sunrise]

I think everything we do in therapy tells the therapist something. If we don't look the therapist in the eye, it tells him we are uncomfortable with sharing, ashamed of something, feeling shy, upset, etc. Those things have value as a communication tool. I think the therapists get our messages. When we look up and into their eyes, it can mean, I'm ready to reveal, I'm more comfortable with talking to you now, I want to be your partner in this, etc. I think our eyes and body language tell them a lot. I think for those who want to look in their therapist's eyes and aren't able to, you will develop that ability if you want and when you are ready for a deeper, more overt connection.

As an aside, I'll mention one of these "unspoken communication" things. Yesterday I drove my 13 year old daughter to her counseling appointment. It is her 5th session with the counselor and she tells me nothing about what goes on in session. But I sense it is going well because her mood is more upbeat and she has been less withdrawn. Anyway, during our drive yesterday, she did not want to talk to me. I tried to engage her in conversation several times, but she kept pushing me away. She said to me "I don't want to hear your voice right now." Well, OK, I can take a hint! So I let up. I hadn't meant to badger her--I just get so little opportunity to talk with her. After therapy, for the first time she shared with me some of what went on. She told me, "for the first 10 minutes I just lay on the couch and didn't say anything." WHOA! I was actually really impressed she could do this in therapy. I've been seeing my T for 6 months and I have never once lain on the couch or let us sit in silence for 10 minutes. She was not feeling like talking and was not afraid to communicate that in session. The T gets the message without her having to say a word. (Maybe mom needs to listen better.)

Anyway, I think we communicate a lot to our T's with stuff like not looking them in the eye, sitting/lying in silence, etc.

Me too, Janniebug!

I have thought about it and not only is it shame, but to me when I make eye contact with her it feels so... intimate.. and it makes me think about how close I want to be to her and that feeling is really overwhelming. If I look at her then I want her to hug me. And I know she won't/can't but it's the feeling in me that is overwhelming, the wanting, the needing.

Much easier to look at the floor. Or the toys on the shelves she has for the kids. Or the blinds. Or the kleenex box. Or the fingerprints on the door. Or my knees. Or... well anyway, I understand.

It is something I am thinking about talking to her about.

Have you and your T talked some about it? To explore it and understand it more?

Baby steps and lots of self congratulations

freud came up with the idea of having patients lie down on the couch and him sit behind them because...

he didn't like to be looked at.

i have sympathy. i don't like to be looked at too. i'm alright with eye contact outside therapy but for me... in the context of therapy... eye contact is too intimate.

part of it is about my trying to regulate my emotions. looking makes me feel anxious and hyperaroused. looking away helps me regulate that anxiety into something more along the lines of baseline. it doesn't have to be about thoughts or anything like that... it can be the result of bad experiences.

i take little furtive glances at my t sometimes... mostly my eyes fixate on the rug. sometimes his shoe. i wish he wouldn't look at me. i feel like i'm caught in the headlights. i wish i could lie down and the absence of eye contact would be less conspicuous.

[DePressMe]

My pdoc told me he uses my level of eye contact to determine how depressed I am...I can't look at him when I am feeling bad, but when I am feeling pretty good I can make eye contact. Matter of fact, he is kinda cute, so I like looking at him.

My T. is kinda the same way...sometimes, when I am talking about something difficult I have to really force myself to look at her. At times, when I am thinking about the past, it is easier for me to remmeber if I don't look at her. She never tries to make me look at her--she lets me do what is comfortable for me.

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alexandra_k said:
freud came up with the idea of having patients lie down on the couch and him sit behind them because...

he didn't like to be looked at.

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He would, also, at times, fall asleep while his patients were talking.

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i take little furtive glances at my t sometimes... mostly my eyes fixate on the rug. sometimes his shoe. i wish he wouldn't look at me. i feel like i'm caught in the headlights. i wish i could lie down and the absence of eye contact would be less conspicuous.

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When my T is talking, I will look directly into his eyes.
When I am talking, I look at his shoe. Or the pictures on the wall. I know they are from IKEA. I pointed this out and he said, "I don't do the decorating in here!"
When we are silent and he is looking at me... I feel naked.

[Perna]

I started to practice on people who didn't "matter" as much as my T, started deliberately looking at store clerks, etc. That made it a little easier after awhile to work harder at looking at T.

[Lemon]

I have a hard time looking at my t when I'm talking. I can look right into her eyes when she is talking. I'm trying to let her know I'm really trying to listen and take in what she is saying. If I'm trying to really understand how I feel and tell her about something I just can concentrate enough if I have to look at her I have to look away.

Sometimes after a session, when I'm going over the session in my head I realize how much I was looking away. As I think about what I said I remember what I was looking at and it is never at her face.

I like in my couples counciling because then I can have time to actually look around her office and see what's really there. Even though in my individual session I look away a lot, I can't actually take in the details of what's around the room, but when my husband is talking I can actually calm down enough to read all the book titles on her shelf and stuff like that.

[Christina86]

Well, I for one am glad I'm not the only one.

My previous T's (all three of them) could tell how uncomfortable I was about different topics by how much I looked at them. In therapy, I'd look over their shoulder - so it made it look like I was looking at them, but I really wasn't. The scary times were when they got really close because they were trying to tell me something and I wasn't paying attention and it was important. Then I had to look at them, and it scared the heebeejeebies out of me!

Sometimes I can look at them, but it's usually when it's not something that I'd likely get emotional about. Whenever I start to cry (which took a long time to be "comfortable" with... still am not really) I can't look at them ... too scary.

[jbug]

Wow this is great.. I am not the only one. I thought I was some kind of strange wierdo that couldn't look at their T. I find though that anyone in authority I have a problem with looking at them. I look at my pastor but that's cuz I'm up in the balcony and he's down on the stage but I still don't like it when he says ok guys look up at me..I know its hard but just for a minute. He says that when I find myself looking at everyone else in the crowd.

I told my GP's wife that I don't look at him and that I didn't know why but he shouldn't take it personal because I don't look at anyone and she said he'd be a good person to practice on and that he isn't all that scary. I guess I finally figured that out cuz for the most part I can look at him unless we are talking about my mental health then I can't look at him.

Jbug

some cultures don't look as a sign of respect to those who are in positions of authority.

instead of looking straight in the eyes and smiling (and perhaps wrestling a little over who has the firmest grip on a handshake) there might be a lowering of the head and aversion of the eyes.

i always thought it weird that i kinda do that (or have the urge to do that) in therapy. i mean... the first time i met him i looked him in the eyes and smiled and pumped his hand around a little (though hardish to do that when he decided to play dead). but now i have this being unable to look at him thing...

he lowers his head right back at me now. its a bit funny really... i think he can see me approaching from out the window so sometimes he meets me at the door. opens up the inner door and kinds stands to gesture me down the hallway. and head lowered kinda. maybe... it is trying to make it easier for me to look at him and smile at him. i try but i guess i look so freaking nervous...

[jbug]

I know what the back of my T's head looks like cuz I can look at him when we are walking down the hall to his office. I guess I do that so I don't bump into the back of him should he stop suddenly LOL. I need to work on this eye contact thing and he even brought it up a couple of sessions ago that I don't look at him. He told me that there are several of his clients that don't and not to worry that he doesn't take it personal. I laughed and told him good because I don't look at anyone. I really need to work on this cuz I only have 1 semester left of school and need to learn to look someone in the eyes so when I go on job interviews I can do that and not look shady to them.

Jbug