[RACEKA]

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm a recovering addict of over a year. I have a minor bipolar called Cyclothmia. I have high anxiety and am from an abusive parental family. I have a 17 yr old son that is a using addict. I started counseling over a year ago. I went there to help my son and ended up telling my T that I was also an addict. He is a recovering addict also. We really can relate to each other. He has helped me tremendously. I love my sessions. I get there with a lot of anxiety and once I start talking to him I'm so calm and relaxed. I am very self destructive. When my emotions start rolling I want to take it out on myself. I am a cutter too. The only reason I have been clean so long is because of him. I was using for 30 years. With his support I had my son arrested for pot after everything else failed. I did it to get him help. He is in a drug program with the juvinile court now for a year. He has not changed one bit. A few weeks ago he missed court and they put a warrant out on him. He steals from me and sells my stuff. He doesn't go to school. Since there was a warrant out on him I found out where he was staying and had him arrested. He is now in the juvinile detention center with a court date set for May 29th. My life has really changed because of my T. I'm not cutter as much because I don't want to dissapoint him. I've had a few slips in my drug recovery. I tell him every time. I don't like to tell hiim beccause I don't want to dissapoint him. He talked me into being a member of N/A. I have a sponsor, but I can't tell her about the real me inside. She doesn't know about the cutting and whenever she asks how I am I tell her fine just like I tell everyone else. My T has helped me to open up. Every week I tell him something else about me. I'm also a binge eater. After a binge I don't eat for at least 24 hours. I haven't yet purged, but been thinking about it. I told my T and he asked me not to purge. That is the only reason I haven't. Part of drug recovery is calling people in the fellowship and making new relationships. I haven't really felt like doing that because I don't feel good enough about me. Every week my T asks me if I made any phone calls. He's really trying to push me out of my house (which he calls a fishbowl). I just like being by myself. I am divorced with no help from my abusive x husband with my child. I'm fine with that because he is a addict/alcoholic. Last session my T asked me if he's asking me too much about finding relationships. I told him I feel like he's pushing me out. He said he is not. He didn't want me to feel that way at all. I said "your not going to abandon me?". He said no I'm not going anywhere. He said when the time comes I will reduce your sessions slowly. It's not going to stop suddenly. He said some counselors will keep you going for the money, but he felt that is unethical. He is a Christian counselor. He has also helped me understand God. I had a little tear fall when he said he wouldn't abandon me. I said a few months ago I couldn't cry at all, now I cry all the time. He said that I am healing. He wants me to journal when I cry. Ever since I left that session I have been crying constantly. It has been 2 days now. I can't stand the thought of my sessions ending. I'm afraid I will revert back to my old ways. He's the one that keeps me going. I may even be dead my now if it wasn't for him. i haven't told him this though for fear of rejection. I haven't eaten for 2 days now and don't want to. I havent' taken my meds today because I don't think they are helping. I take 60 mg cymbalta, 200 mg wellbutrin, 300 mg. trileptial. I am in a severe depression and can't stop crying. I seem to be moving around a bit more today. I can't go to work like this. I don't know whether to call my family doctor or try calling my Pdoc which only subscribes medicine or leave a voice mail for my T. I normally don't talk to T outside the session. I'd rather talk to him in person, but won't see him until next Saturday. I will be seeing my Pdoc May 7th. I won't be able to get into him unless there is a cancellation. I would be able to get into my family doctor tomorrow. I want her to write me off work for next week. She knows my situation and is also a recovering addict. I almost went to the hospital last night because I am scaring myself. I've never been in this deep of a depression. My eyes are all swelled up and sore. I normally go to church today, but didn't think I could control myself when they start talking about all the love and stuff. I think I'm depressed from him talking about my sessions ending. I won't be able to deal with that. My T is the first person I've talked to that I can open up with. It's been slow, but getting better at it. I just feel so much better when I leave, I can't imagine not seeing him. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

[SecretGarden]

will work through this maybe this eve because I like to finally hear of other criers.... not alot of company on that here.

Please do not be offended but I sure like paragraphs...

Will respond soon. Take care.......

Raceka. I think just stopping your meds is not such a good idea??? I think the crying is something we do as we reach a new level of healing. I understand the fear you feel around therapy ending, but its not going to happen tomorrow. I understand how much you feel you wouldn't be able to achieve what your achieving if it was'nt for your T, but that will change, bit by bit if your T does his job right will allow you to regain your personal power and know that you alone are the one that directs your future life. At this stage of your recovery yiou are very vunrable and disempowered but that will change.

Do you journal? That is a great help, a great way to see things objectively. Have you spoken with your T about what is ok and what isn't ok about contact out of session?? I know my T doesn't mind me contacting her if I feel very overwhelmed.

Oh I think you've been very brave re your son and his addiction. for what my opinon is worth you have taken all the right steps in dealing with that and keeping yourself safe.

(((( RACEKA )))

Hang in there. Keep looking for something to help you feel better. Writing helps if you can do that. Write everything that comes to mind.

I can relate as I cried for 3 days after a recent session, missing work last Monday.

It is so hard when the session ends and we don't want it to, or when we're feeling separated from our T.

(((( be kind to you )))) at this time.

ECHOES

[MissCharlotte]

Raceka

You have a lot of things going on and it might help to separate them out into chunks. in this way, it might not seem so unmanageable becaue you can look at each thing separately. You can prioritize your issues and deal with them as you can. I know that when I am overwhelmed and I look at the whole package at once I become paralyzed becaue it is toooo much to deal with.

I think you might want to deal with your medication issue first because it has such a huge impact on how you feel and how well you will be able to deal with your other issues. I am not an expert, but I know that stopping meds all at once will have an adverse effect. Some doctors will see patients on an emergency basis. But if your pdoc wont see you and you feel you are in danger, then by all means go the ER. You can also call a hot line if you need to talk.

If your T has said he is not leaving you, why are you worried about not seeing him? Did I misread something?

Take care, and please reach out if you need to.

[sunrise]

Raceka, it sounds like your T gave you reassurance in your session that he would not abandon you. "He said no I'm not going anywhere. He said when the time comes I will reduce your sessions slowly. It's not going to stop suddenly." This to me sounds very reassuring. Yes, of course, at some point in the future, you will not see him anymore, just as is the case for most everyone in therapy. But he said that time is not now, and when the time comes, it will be gradual. "He said no I'm not going anywhere." Read the text in bold to remind you of your T's reassurance and that he is not abandoning you!

It sounds like you and your T are working well together. Please ask for further reassurance on the abandonment issue next session if you need it. Could it be that it is not abandonment by your T but another issue that has you so upset? You certainly have a lot of challenges in life. You have a lot of strength to be able to deal with your son and his addiction. My heart goes out to you. Maybe writing in the journal would help you understand your tears and depression.

I think you shouldn't go cold turkey off of your meds at this time. Talk to your doc or pdoc about whether it is time to start going off of your meds. If it is, they can help devise a plan to help you taper off the meds safely and gradually.

hang in there.

sunny

[RACEKA]

Thanks for your reassurance. I do journal and it makes me cry even more. I do have a fear of not seeing T. He has been such a part of my life in the last year I can't imagine not seeing him anymore. After that session I did go see my son in the detention center. They wouldn't even allow us to hug them. I had to watch him walk away back to his cell and it's because of me. When I left there I just had to let it go and it's been going all weekend.

[SecretGarden]

Raceka I have read your post and would like to comfort you. I will write more tomorrow as I have been away today and it is late.

I am sorry that you are feeling in the pits but I do not think your T is going anywhere and it does seem that he cares about you. I understand the fear of abandonment but from what you have shared... he is there for you and you are looking down the road too far. Try and stay where you are now... in the moment for now.

Also, please keep on your meds now and share your concerns about your meds with your pdoc when you go there. Stopping your meds will not be helping with anything....and believe me will cause more harm than good. Talk it through with your pdoc and if you both decide for you to quit your meds you can do it in a way that is healthy for you.

I seem to be inspired to type all the sudden so I will go with that..

I think that you have done what you needed to for your son and he could be angry with you now but in the long run you are trying to do what is right for you and what is right for your son. Not all parental decisions are well received but that does not mean they do not have merit. You are looking toward his future.

Also, you have your pdoc and T to trust at this time and perhaps you will trust your NA sponsor in time. Wait til you feel more trusting to share. That is o.k. really..... for your own safety. You need to develop trust and share as you are ready.

And... if I might share about tears... I tend to be an excellent cryer. Drives me nuts and I know concerns those around me. I sometimes think it is amazing that one person can have so many tears in them. I understand. You have much to grieve in your life and it is o.k. and actually good to allow yourself to grieve and feel what you are feeling and work it through with your T. I know that Saturday now seems forever away. Please continue to share here. We will be here to support you as we can.

I have found here that I can spill it and though that is difficult there are good people here ready to listen and offer support.

Please excuse my comment about paragraphs though I really do love them and posts are so much easier to read with them but I know it took alot to get out what you did.

I hope that you will rest well tonight or that you are already doing so. What can you do to help you make it til next Saturday. I find that visiting friends and doing stuff that I might not even want to do (bother) at least gets my mind off of me sometimes... or at least intermittently....which sometimes grows to more often. I do not know... that is just me.

I know... I like being at home too. Know how much time at home is healthy for you and how much at home just digs you deeper in a hole. I just speak from my own experience which I know is different but I just wish to help or let you know that you are thought of ... and try to offer you a bit of hope. Hope is such a wonderful word. I hope you reach for it.

Take care and keep posting.

[RACEKA]

Thanks for your reply. I will use paragraphs, no offense taken.

I have anxiety so I am probably worrying for nothing. If he says he's not pushing me away then I believe him. I totally trust him and feel safe with him.

I saw my family doc today and she told me to talk to him about it. She said it sounds like he cares about you. He will keep you on until you feel you can move on.

As for the relationships my doc said that he is trying to get you to build bridges so when the time comes I can rely on other people.

[SecretGarden]

Raceka.... That is part of what you are doing right here. This is a great place to work toward that end.

It is important to be able to depend on others and find others that support you and you them. In time, with therapy you will gain strength also to be able to rely on yourself. (I often have to remind myself of this.)

Glad you talked to your family doc. Good for you.

[RACEKA]

I just can't take it anymore. I called my T today and left a voice mail for him to call me. I asked him just to call me and tell me everything will be ok. I normally don't talk to him between sessions, but I won't see him until Saturday.

Just hearing his voice on the voice mail was comforting. I feel so silly.

I hate myself for being so needy.

[lauren_helene]

I'm glad you called him Raceka. You need him at this moment and you are not being 'needy'. I hope he calls soon!

[RACEKA]

He just called me back. He had me get grounded. To be in the here & now. He said I'm worrying about something that isn't even here yet. He said he is no way ending my sessions yet. I just closed my eyes and felt peace hearing his voice. I just let him do all the talking. I feel so relaxed.

He said he was glad I called. I hate to bother him, I know he has a full schedule.

[lauren_helene]

That is wonderful news! I'm glad he was there for you. You deserve that.

[Perna]

Yes, grounding is good :-)