crying in session

i was wondering.... what makes you cry infront of T? What does T do when he/she sees that first tear? How do you let yourself feel in therapy? i never feel the tears coming when im with T, but the second i get in the car i explode. Then i cry even more later once i think about and "process" what was said. I don't know why, but it's really important for me to cry infront of T. I REALLY want to be able to show her my pain with tears, and i want to feel her comfort. Its just, for some reason the tears never come! its like, most times i cry about missing people. T being the biggest. So when im in session, i can't ever cry because i'm WITH her, so inside i'm not sad at all, because whatever feelings may be hurting, i'm with T, and that in itself comforts. Then as soon as i leave and i'm left alone with those hurting feelings, i cry. I want to cry IN session so these feelings can be worked on. how do i get the tears to come???

jI don't know how long you've been with T but my sense is just give it time. It will come. I couldn't cry anywhere last year, and then I couldn't cry with T. Now I cry wherever and whenever I need to. He is very gentle when I do and lets it roll; speaking very softly to me.

So--no worries--before you know it you will be blubbering all over the office!

yea i've only been with her since august 13th...haha wow i would have that date memorized. so i guess its only been 5 months...

It is easier for me if I get lost in working on specific incidents or memories to such an extent I forget that T is there and comforting. Think about an incident you don't like to think about :-) and work on that and forget where you are in reliving that pain.

Listen for triggers in what your T says and follow the trigger! That's generally what T's do, they are trained to follow your "emotions" (as opposed to talking about the weather :-) so if you express any sort of affect or feeling word, they're on it to "deepen" it.

Do the same in reverse, paying attention to things your T says that "frighten" you or make you anxious and deliberately follow up yourself on what your T has said, get curious as to where the feeling is coming from and what it means, etc.

Wow ! I just went to see a new T today. I haven't been to one in 2 years. The crying came very easy for me, because
I have been crying alot more. She didn't even offer tissue,
until I took a couple.

I don't know if this is going to help, but I have to try. The
med's alone aren't doing it's job. This visit was for an intake only, so I really don't know what to expect.

I think if you can cry at anytime, it is better than holding your emotions in.

Good luck,
Sassy

I have been with T over two years and barely ever cry. When I do, it's the type of crying in which real tears never really roll down my cheeks. I remember the first time I really did cry. It was after about a year and a half, and one single tear rolled down my cheek. Yes to me that means "really did cry." I still struggle a lot with that. I express emotions such as anger, much easily in therapy, than I do overt sadness like that.

Well just give it some time and give yourself permission for it to happen.

And you can talk to T about this too!

I want so badly to cry with my T that I can't because I want it so bad. It's weird. But everything has been pent up for so long I want to finally find relief in front of her by bursting into tears. I often am in tears right before or after I see her. I guess the best thing is to not worry about it and just let it happen.

I tried to moderate my emotions for a while. I guess I still do, but now what I try and do is let him catch a glimpse of them before I moderate them. Just enough to communicate how I feel, but not enough for them to get too intense and run away with me.

To start with there weren't tissues or anything. Then... Maybe a month or so in tissues appeared one day. I guess he realized that the absence of tissues might be giving me the message that it wasn't okay for me to cry or something. He wanted to let me know that it was alright. Sometimes I would get a silent tear or two. He would say 'it is okay to cry' but I'd just wipe with the back of my hand and turn it off. I didn't want to do that. Once he got up out of his seat and walked over to me (scared me half to death!) and picked up the tissue box and offered it to me. That freaked me rather and I wouldn't take it. So he hasn't done that again.

I have cried a bit since then. I really hate the snotty nose thing, though. When I really blubber it isn't pretty and my nose needs these really loud honks to clear them. I try and keep it at the tears rolling down cheeks thing. No nose blowing lol.

What makes me cry? Talking about my Dad... Sometimes talking about my Mother... Talking about some of my feelings or thoughts... Stuff that has got to me since I was a kid. Some of my fears about my future. Dunno. I think he likes it when I cry... Well... Maybe until he saw me really blubber lol. I think that what gave me permission to really blubber was my going along to therapy a couple times when I had a cold. Needed to honk to clear my nose then (I can't abide sniffing). And then I guess I thought, well, he has heard it / seen it already. So that kind of gave me permission to really cry. Can't remember what I was blubbering about now. Probably when I was really stressed about my mid-term review... Everybody hates me etc etc.

Maybe... Try talking about the thoughts / feelings that get you crying outside therapy. Talking about them can bring back the feelings can bring back the crying.

i really hope someone answers this... i need anyone right now....

i had my session with T today. the beginning of it i was telling a story of something that happened to me, and it had us both laughing. i didn't really have anything in mind to talk about, and somehow we got into talking about babysitting and that my T used to be a nanny! anyway, then we got to talking about how i wish this woman i know was my mom. because she cares for me and loves me. but she lives far away, so lately things have been distant. we talked about how i don't want necissarily HER to be my mom, just people LIKE her. Even my T. T said that little kids have said to her before that they wished she was their mom. i wish that too but i didnt say it. anyway, most of the session went by and T new i had work right after. at literally the last minute of session, T said something that hit me hard. something about how the reality of that woman being my mom is not there. since this woman used to be my step mother, i looked down and said, "well she used to be" and MY EYES FILLED UP WITH TEARS! sorry, its just so unlikely that i cry infront of T (obviously from my first post) but it was the last minute of session. i looked down and T paused for 5 seconds or so and then said, "well you should be getting to work." then she tried to get my mind off of what my feelings were by asking me my plans for the weekend, and then i left. If she would have given me any longer i would have been crying. or if she had probed me any more, tears would have come. i'm SO MAD it happened at the last minute, and usually she would extend it 10 minutes or so because i knew she didn't have another client. Now i'm wondering if she stopped because she knew i had work and she KNEW i was about to cry, and she didn't want me to get any worse, or that time was just up and there was a slight silence (because i was about to cry, and she didn't realize it) but the fact that she tried to lighten the mood by asking me what im doing this weekend kinda makes me think she realized she hit an emotion and i was upset. so i left the session upset, i had to go to work, now i'm home and i not only wanna cry because of what she said, but i wanna cry because i feel like she pushed me away right when i needed her the most. what i've always wanted...to cry infront of T. and it would have happened. i feel like she abandoned me. what do i do now, how do i survive until monday

Have you told her you are working to cry while in session? She can help :-)

As you pointed out there can be several reasons why the end happened like it did. I don't think she wanted you leaving upset is why she tried to lighten the mood a bit. It was the end of session and there wasn't anything she could do for you since the session period of time was up.

I use to get the end-of-session upsets and it is so hard and frustrating but eventually one learns to allow things to happen when they happen instead of putting them off. Eventually, when you can do all the work within the time limit of that session you will know you are done therapy. But containing one's feelings or responding in the moment are such complicated things to learn.

Your T didn't abandon you; start the next session with some of your feelings about feeling that way and what happened at the end of this session. I guarantee it will be helpful.

I don't think T predicted your reaction and I do think she wanted to help you feel better before you left. None of this has escaped her attention and you can go back to this any time and any number of times.

I completely agree that next session should begin with talking about this one. That's how many of my sessions go. I will not say something in session (because I am working on being in the moment, feeling my feelings then and there rather than the overwhelming rush after I leave, or when I get home, or even the next day like happened today) but I will start the next session saying what I wanted to in the previous one.

It sounds like you did give yourself permission to feel and cry and it helped. It felt good that you responded in the way you were wanting to. It happened right at the end, and the end and leaving/separating can be so hard already.

thank you perna, echoes.

Echoes, thats exactly it. It felt good i responded the way i wanted to, but it was hard happening at the end, and your right, that leaving/separating is hard as it is. thats why i'm so upset right now and i'm scared that that was my chance to react how i wanted but i was robbed of it. what if it doesn't happen next time?

I want to tell T about this. I'm just chicken. Usually i'd email her my thoughts and she doesn't get back to me, and it only really comes up the next session if i mention it. I don't know if i can wait, thats why i want to email her about it now. because i don't want to chicken out in session and not bring it up...

Well you could go half-way and email that there is something you definitely want to talk about next session but don't tell her what exactly. That way you get to practice encouraging yourself to take it with you to next session.

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what if it doesn't happen next time?

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What if it does

Or, what if talking about the desire to cry in session turns out to be equally meaningful to you when you do that next time?

good idea. i think i will email her that.

i'm not sure i want to tell her about my desire to cry, though. because i think then once it actually happens it will take away from it. then she'll be thinking about that i finally got what i wanted by crying instead of thinking about what actually made me cry? i dunno if that makes sense. but i def think i need to talk to her in some way about the way our session ended today. although, i'm not sure her knowing will change anything anyway..

(((((((((krazibean))))))))))))
It's so difficult having to leave T! That in and of itself is enough to make one cry, and to add other issues on to that, ugggghhhhhhh! It seems like you felt rejected by her not extending the time, and who wouldn't? I know you will feel better next session after talking this over with your T The tough part, I know, is in getting to the next session. About emailing your T, do it. Type it up and send it. Notice your emotions that are telling you not to do it because it makes you feel uncomfortable BUT do not act upon them. (I'm working this skill and am nowhere near mastering it) Tell her in the email that this is causing you a lot of pain and that you would appreciate a response, if possible (by return email or phone).

I sent her the email. Please tell me what you think....

Hi,
I actually wanted to talk to you about something the next time i see you, and this is my way of preventing myself from "chickening out" and not bringing it up. I think that was the point of a lot of my previous emails, although it never does tend to come up. but at least i know you know. Anyway...

Today something happened that i wasn't expecting. Something you said at the very end of session, and now i don't even remember what it was you said, I think something having to do with ___, but whatever it was struck me hard. Hard enough that i was on the verge of tears, which i didn't think would ever happen with me. (most times when i'm talking with people, even though i feel the emotions, i don't let myself cry until i'm alone.) I was wondering if you sensed that something upset me, and you knew i had work so you didn't want to get into anything more, and that is why you ended so abruptly. Or if you just ended because it was time to end and you knew i had to get to work, not even sensing anything was wrong?

This was very hard for me because it seems like we danced around all session just chatting (which i do enjoy) and then finally when something important and emotion-stimulating came up it was cut off. I feel almost robbed of the moment. Not that its your fault, thats just the way it happened. The ending of session is not really easy for me to begin with, but then adding something intense like that really was difficult. It's like, when your about to sneeze, and you feel it building up, and finally its about to come and before you can even sneeze someone says "BLESS YOU!" and all of a sudden you don't need to sneeze anymore. Well, you said bless you too fast. (hehe, sorry i'm amusing myself) and although i understand you had to, and it was time, etc, it was just a difficult note to leave on.

Also, and this kinda ties in to that a little bit, i feel like if i don't come to you with something concrete prepared in my head then we have nothing to talk about. I don't like having to prepare as much as just coming in to seeing you with no agenda, and enjoying the moments, feeling whatever, and experiencing whatever emotions come. Instead of having to plan what it is i want to bring up. I mean, obviously you're not a mind reader and you don't know what it is i want to talk about, and if there is something i know i want to bring up usually i do... but sometimes i wish you'd help me a little and pick topics that you know are relevant/important/need to be experienced when it seems as though i have nothing to give you. Its hard having to dance around to different topics until i find something that sparks your interest and you participate in conversation about. If you haven't noticed, it's not gonna work for me just going in there, spilling my guts while you sit and nod, and then me leave feeling better. i need feedback and reassurance. Don't get me wrong, you do participate and move it along. Most of the time. And i do like when we're just talking, even if it doesn't have to do with me, because i like at least having a conversation and connecting. It's when one of us is disconnected and i feel like its my responsibility to bring us back somehow, by bringing something relevant up. I like talking to you, even if its just about the weather or about a movie we've both seen, so wasting precious time figuring out what to say is distressing.

I don't want this email to be the end of these topics, and i do want to talk about it with you more in person and hear what your response to this is. But right now, i'm a little upset over this and i'd appreciate, if possible, for you to briefly respond to this in the meantime. whether it be a return email or phone call if you think that would easier or more sufficient, i just need something to help me put this aside until monday.
thank you
krazibean

no answer yet.... should i be regretting sending her that?

I find it hard NOT to cry in my sessions.... things get to where I can't handle even talking about them without crying. I am a very sensitive type but I hate that I cry like that

First, {{{ Krazi}}}, I LIKED your e-mail. You were direct on each point that you wanted to make and you made sure that you were not trying to place blame on anyone. Good job Because you were so specific, your t may want to address them in session. Things really are so different face to face.

{{{Giggles}}}, I wanted to add that I was so glad to read your post. I really was beginning to feel like I was the ONLY person who cries
in session. Many times, I start to cry as soon as I start talking. I did that the 1st time I ever met w/this t. He's always very kind and quietly allows me to blubber. I cry easily. I have an impossible time figuring out whether I'm angry or hurt. They feel just alike to me. So, there are times when I hate myself for the crying. Oh well. At least I know I'm not alone. That's the point of us all being here. right?

tulips



to both of you

I;ve just cried in T this morning. I was talking about how I was told my birth mother wanted to see a photo of my birth brother who had been adopted with me, but never asked how I was doing a yr after she had given me up. As I spoke these words I just cried and funny enought in the car on the way home I realised that I really need to feel the compassion from the person sitting with me for me to be able to really sob, it kinda of allows me to have that same compassion for myself. MIind you its taken a while for me to cry, the first yr i would bite my lips rather then cry.

so um, she hasn't emailed me or called. Even though I said in the beginning and the end of my email that i want to bring this up face to face... now i don't even want to. If she asks i want to be like NO, nevermind, you didn't care enough to call so nevermind. The email was even subject "important topics" hmph. She used to call just to see how i was doing...now she doesn't even call when i ask for it?? whats happening....