Let therapist hold me

Today was a really hard day. I shared some pictures of my abuse with my therapist and got so upset that I needed to take a break. When I came back into the room I sat beside her feeling like it was nice to have some proximity to her, that I needed some warmth from her life to restart my fire which was quickly dulling. Before I could even think twice I crawled into her arms putting my head against her warm chest. It felt so wonderful finally being received for the correct reason, to truly be embraced in an attempt to comfort the pain of having endured something miserable, something disgusting, something unreal. Her hands were gently placed on my outside arm as I cuddled next to her thin, toned body. I felt loved for a moment, valued, and cared for, but I couldn't handle it. I suddenly got so worried that I was invading, somehow an intrusion to her body, her life. I jumped from my seat and removed myself from her embrace and a palpable sadness filled the void of where she had once been. I now hugged tightly to regret and anger, disappointment at having allowed myself to break. Having allowed myself to need her and take the comfort I wanted without regard for her own feelings of space, her own sense of self. I find myself wondering now, as a much afterthought, how do I handle this? Not only the continued interaction between the two of us, but also the want for more and the feeling that somehow, though on a perhaps smaller scale, I have become the abuser willing to extract for myself without consideration of the other, to objectify for my needs while effortlessly ignoring hers. I'm confused and sad, any thoughts?

Talk to her about it?
I did something similar with my therapist. .and it turned out she was more than happy to give me love and now cuddles/snuggles/holding are a regular part of my therapy

She didn't pull away (you did).

That's what I would take from it.

talk to her. If she sat there holding you, I doubt she cast you in the light of abuser, though I would likely feel the same way...
very brave of you to show her your pictures...
<3

It was terrible, but I wanted her to know what was going on as I've been having bad flashbacks for the last month really. I don't know what to say to her about this. I almost feel like if she's not upset about me cuddling next to her, she must be offended that I lifted away from her so unceremoniously.

I think she may have an idea that is not because you found her revolting or anything...
trauma work is hard. It brings up all sorts of things, and can prompt out of character behavior. I think you might be harder on yourself thank she is. Can you just tell her what you told us? I think it's also important to address the feeling that you slipped into the role of abuser. She might be able to help you see it in a different light.

Please don't let these feelings fester. They're understandable, but I believe a huge misinterpretation of the situation. Talk to her; let her hear your fears and help you re-frame them.

Like I said cuddling etc is a regular part of my therapy. But I've done that. ..pulled away roughly without saying anything. Pulled away and burst into tears. Pulled away and jammed my shoes back on and left. She is a therapist. She understands that you suffer from deep seated shame over your abuse and difficulty with understanding and accepting healthy love.
I think you are misinterpreting things. My bet would be that your T is overjoyed that you reached out for support and is probably concerned about what motivated you to.pull away

I have therapy tomorrow and I'm so nervous she is going to be mad. I'm also nervous that she won't ever let me sit with her again and that's all I want to do! I hate this.

This post tugged at my heartstrings. I SO miss that. For about 5 months my T held me....fairly regularly, but not every session. I see her twice a week. The first time it happened, it was the first time I really truly cried. I was scared, ashamed, and so sad and alone...and I asked her if she could come sit by me, or "if that was against the rules." She said "I was just going to," and she sat beside me and put her arms around me. My head was on her chest, and I could hear her heartbeat, which was so soothing to me. I cried it out, then I was done. And all the while, whenever this happened, I would concentrate on her heartbeat, while she would rub my back or play with my hair. I felt so safe. And cared about. I only asked her the first time. Every time after that, she came to me without my asking, or even thinking about it. She'd put her arms around me and pull me into her. Once she said "I haven't sat by you in awhile, I think today's the day." Another time she said she was coming to sit by me so I didn't have to feel so alone. I would cry, she would still talk, I would talk some, I had never felt so safe in my life. I felt like I could tell her nearly anything during those moments. Then, just as quickly as it started, it stopped in February. I finally asked her about it a few weeks later, why she quit. She said that touch in therapy is not her "modality" and she's not comfortable with it. She said she stepped away from that for a short period of time because I was in a very bad place. And she was also trying to show me I coud trust her. I argued with her in countless Emails and texts, and two sessions. Not comfortable my ***, she was very comfortable with it, as she always initiated it, except for the very first time. Something changed, and I'm not sure what, but of course I took all the blame. For three months I couldn't really participate in my therapy, I didn't trust her, I didn't know what she'd take away next. The very thing she did to earn my trust ultimately took it away. I was so hurt I wanted to quit. I was close to quitting, and even talked to her about it. I have told her time and time again it's not the fact that she took it away that hurts so much. It's that she didn't talk to me about it, before, during, or after she decided to stop. She just let me figure it out on my own. I am still with her, and we are working on a connection again. It's going well. But the hurt in my heart will never go away. She said she planned to step away from her modality for a limited period of time. She should have told me that. Because honestly, had I known it would be taken away, I never would have let it continue. I would have stopped it right then. I miss that safe feeling. I miss the soothing sound of her heartbeat. I miss that connection we shared. And, I know, even with time, she won't allow that again, not after how badly I took her taking it away. I don't know if I will ever have complete, 100% trust again. I can tell her about *things.* But FEELINGS are another matter. Especially if it involves her or therapy in general. I'm afraid if she thinks I'm too attached, she'll push me away. I love my T. And we connected very quickly when I started seeing her just over a year ago. I think she IS a good T, and the best fit for me, I just feel like, in my heart, that she made a mistake in offering something she knew she'd take away eventually. She made the mistake in not talking to me about it. Especially near the beginning, when I asked her about boundaries. I would give anything for her to allow that again, only very sparingly, when it's really warranted. Like my last session, where I told her something I've not told another soul. I intended to take it to my grave. But it came out, and I did as I always do when I cry, sit on the couch, back facing her, and cry with my face buried in the back of the couch. I was crying over embarrassment. Of the shame I felt over letting myself be victimized at 9 years old. At doing nothing to stop it. I was crying, also, because I felt so alone, and I really wished, during this difficult disclosure, that she would come sit by me. Just reserve it for times like this. But, it didn't happen, and realistically, I know it won't again. And that hurts, because I know what she's capable of, and what I can't have. So, enjoy it. YOU pushed away from your T, not the other way around. If she was not receptive to this, she would have stopped it. I believe you have nothing to be ashamed of, or worried about when you see her next. But I would try to talk to her about it. So that you are aware of "down the road." Please keep us posted. I would be so interested to hear what your T says. Tell her you appreciated it, but that you were scared that it might not be ok. See what she says. Maybe you'll be surprised. I'll be interested to hear how it goes. But I know how you feel. That was something I needed very much. Enjoy it. For you. For me, even.

Tongalee-Talk to her about it. Talk to her about your fears.
I would want to know, though, if this touching, cuddling was temporary...like what happened to musinglizzy.

Musinglizzy: I have had tears streaming down my face reading your previous postings and now this one. I have never had this. Ever. Never had the warm comfort or safety. Not with parents, not with husband(s). Not with anyone.

These situations have prompted me to discuss with my T if she is eventually going to change her boundaries. We don't touch but she is liberal with her availability...with her caring...with her accepting my child feelings and my caring. I would be devastated if she abruptly took everything away, became aloof and discouraged my transference/attachment - assuming I should be grown up enough..self sufficient enough now not to need them. More than that, I am like musinglizzy- feeling if that is the plan please let me know now..please talk to me about it. I have been emailing t for several days about this topic, afraid to go back to therapy for fear of her answer. I am going back though.

Tongalee, yes, please talk to your T about this.

Thank you precaryous, your post touched my heart. I know the past three months I've posted SO much about this, obsessed perhaps, and always fear people are tired of it, like "oh no, it's another post from Lizzy". I never received warm comfort or safety until I met a family when I was 15....they took me in. I essentially ran away from home. But it didn't "feel" right. Oh they loved me, they cherished me, but I was in NO place in my life to accept it, so even though they loved me as much as their own kids, I wouldn't let myself feel it. I truly missed out. I, also, don't have this with my husband, and really never have. I can only remember one time in 15 years where he even so much as hugged me in consolation, and that was YEARS ago, and I believe over the death of a friend. But that's not like him. I have one friend who is pretty close to everything I need in a friend/mother figure...but now I feel like I don't want to push her away by becoming "needy." At least with Ts, we're not supposed to be able to push them away easily.

In my Ts defense, I will say she didn't become aloof or cold, well, not really. Perhaps a little when I was standing up for myself as much as I was....but I was aloof and cold myself. My T and I both admit we are equally stubborn.

So, I feel a connection returning with my T, and it feels wonderful, but I also know how gunshy I am, and that can be lost at any moment now. So I know the safety is not there yet again. I want that safe feeling back more than anything.... and I have decided if I just try to dust myself on and move on, it will come back. I and I are close, I believe. I believe that may be part of why she took holding away. I think she was getting attached to me, too.

And your saying 'I should be grown up enough...self sufficient enough now not to need them." That's basically what my T said. I was not at all accepting of my "inner child," and am not now, but she was telling me how important it was to care for her and tend to her needs. I started opening up to the possibility, and when T took holding away, I told her it could have been that younger version of me needing it. And she basically said what I quoted from you above. So she has contradicted herself a few times. But, I love my T. I think we are a good fit. I just really need her to be consistent. I don't think she had ANY thought I would take the change as hard as I did. I basically clammed up for three months, and I couldn't help it. I tried. I've just started "coming back to her" as she said. She said she never left me, that "I left HER."

Tongalee, reading your post tugged at my heartstrings a great deal. Because I know the feeling. Please, to avoid any discomfort or hurt later on, talk to her about it. Is this typical for her? Is this temporary? Tell her my story if you would like. If you don't talk about being on a forum....just call me a friend. My T has been a psychologist for over 20 years, and owns her own practice. She told me she has NEVER been physical in that way with ANYONE until me. I asked her what made ME so effing special. She said she saw I was in a very dark place at the time and needed it. Well, the place I was in after she decided to take that away was even darker, and she knew it. Anyway....I see she is trying. I know she cares deeply for me, there's never been any doubt about that. I know she feels love for me. I miss what she gave me, and I know she will never give it again. It hurts, but I've decided, even though I still appreciate talking about it, that I just need to move on if there's any saving our client/T relationship.

I was so hurt, so angry, I couldn't cry. I've only just recently started being able to cry again. What's weird is, there were times I wanted to cry. The tears just never came out. How I could be so angry and hurt, but so numb at the same time, makes no sense to me. I see T tomorrow. And I'm hoping things continue to get better, so I can feel the trust and bond that I felt before. It's coming. Slowly....

My PrevT just wrote me this. It helped me. Maybe it will help you?

"I think that there is a part of you that continues to feel that if she (my current T) disappoints you at all (which being human she is bound to do at some point to some degree…just as I did/do), that there is no recovery of a caring relationship…Your fear is founded..humans do inevitably disappoint the ideal relationship…yet the true value of a relationship is that it can and does recover a closeness. Trust is built on the recovery…not on the incident.
Does that make sense?"

It sure does make sense. I've also read many times that after a rupture, oftentimes the relationship can become stronger than it was before, just in a different way. Thanks for sharing that!

Tongalee, how are you doing today?

Hi.
I can understand your feelings of wanting at the same time not feeling diserving and feeling like you're invading her space as that was done to you. I really think talking about it is what should be done. If I were the therapist I'd be the one to bring it up. I think touch is an incredibly valued part of therapy and one many therapists and clients shy away from or rule out completely without thinking it through about how it could or couldn't be helpful in specific situations. I did a lot of holding/hugs with my therapists. Expressive arts/ body psychotherapists in particular are more open to that kind of thing as it's covered extensively in training, and personality wise such therapists are extremely comfortable in their own skin and physically engaging with people as part of the territory. At the time I saw her I got no physical affection outside of therapy and had a past history of lack of affection/ comforting physically when emotionally overwhelmed. More traumitizing by the fact that as I can't see facial expressions etc ways of showing me that level of caring were limited. Anyway I find it extremely helpful to have this be a part of therapy. It is as well with the current therapist I have who's male. He's extremely gentle and a huggy person. So yeah I think good work on your part for reaching out and being vulnerable and in a nonverbal way asking for support.

I have been really angry for you reading all of your posts Lizzy. What happened to you is not fair or right and it should not have happened. I must say, you are very strong. I hope things get better for you with your T. I share a long hug with my T at the end of our sessions and touch has always been a huge thing for me. Your story has made me more aware of boundaries being taken away ( my biggest fear) and i have talked with my T about it. I mentioned what happened to you and that i am scared its going to happen to me and i have asked her once again (i have been seeing her for years) what her boundaries are and if she is comfortable with everything. I am still having a hard time trusting her when she says she is comfortable with our hugs and saying we have love for each other. I just wanted to let you know Lizzy, that you have really helped me and i bet you have helped other people. I hope that offers you comfort. I know how hard this stuff can be.