I have a really bad transference issue. I need help

I've never been diagnosed with it, but there is that, and probably 5 other mental illnesses I could be easily diagnosed with.

And exactly. I like to feel special, and feel horrible for this, but one time she showed me this drawing that her ten year old client gave her and i got a little jealous, and fearful they also have transference
Which is wrong.

My T would let me call her in emergencies, but I can't... I'm too fearful that I would bother her. Even though I should of a few times.

But yeah I need to tell more. I have fantasies she'll hold me and stroke my hair now. Not that I need to be trying to initiate that either..

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I think it's somewhat natural to want to feel special. And jealous of other clients.

But you can bear in mind that you *are* one of those she likes working with.

I think she would rather you reach out to her rather than harm yourself or struggle all alone. She wouldn't have offered if it would bother her.

Yeah... I need to just tell her and stop having mental breakdowns and panic attacks over it. Especially after appointments, I get really sad for a day or two. I even relapsed into cutting the night after one of the sessions 4 weeks ago because I felt lonely that she wasn't there.. I had to choke myself to calm myself down!

I don't recommend doing that at all btw. I don't know how to insert the trigger thing either not sure if that was even triggering. Sorry.

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I think it'd be good of you told her how much you're hurting.

I understand that it can be really really tough though.

And it's also tough to stop self harm when it works to relieve horrible feelings or empty feelings.

Learning self soothing and emotional regulation isn't easy when one doesn't have the foundation of a secure attachment base, so my T says.

Right now, you probably don't yet (but you will! ) have her internalized so when she's gone, it feels like she's completely gone.

I'm not there yet either, so I look at a photo I found of her, and listen to a recording I have of her in order to feel connected to her. I got them secretly and I don't really recommend that as I feel guilty and dishonest about it.

She once did a "safe space" imagery exercise where she was in the image too and I found my secret recording of that super soothing.

I wanted to SH to ease loneliness and missing my T too (we have had two 1 month breaks this 2 months) but have been hanging on to her teachings about how we all deserve kindness and care, because we matter as people.

Do you think you can ask for such an object (like a toy, a card, a stone) from her to help you "hold on" to her presence with you, even when she might be really far away? She hugs you and seems really caring to you, I think she might be willing.

Maybe link her this if you feel a transitory object can help - http://brettnewcomb.com/transitional...the-therapist/

I really really don't want to come across as advising though. These are just suggestions and you aren't obligated to try them.

I stopped self harming thank god. I can't do that, and run competitively at the same time. I wish I could though it's been 23 days since I last self harmed. Before than it was 176..

Yeah, I didn't have a secure attachment style as a child. So that explains a lot. I found a photo of her online, and I feel super guilty for looking at it. Also found a few on Facebook. One full body length and one with her husband. And then the one on google is like, her with sunglasses that is on the company website. I can't bring myself to screen shot them... Again anyways. So I just go online and look at it.

The voice of some actress sounds so so so similar to her voice, that I sometimes, will just listen to it to remember her. The actress doesn't look like her though lol.

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Wow, that's a good record with SH. Really is, to me.

I hope the desire to SH ebbs as you heal.

I really hope my T is right regarding the above statement on SH lol.

Yup, insecure attachment makes things complicated, I don't have a secure attachment style either but there's a lot of neuropsychology stuff on brain plasticity. About how one can earn secure attachment.

I really like Attachment Girl's explanation of attachment and transference.

I can relate to repeatedly looking at T's online profiles haha. I figure I'll talk about it and the transference in time.

Looking at photos and listening to people who sound like her sure beats SH hands down.

I'll look at that link haha
And I wasn't always that good with my self harm. I wish I had I rally recording of her voice, but I don't. Just a few photos. And of course, Ellen Pompeo (she looks like my T so it's kinda close???) and this one particular photo of Cara Delevingne someone else who looks like my T if she was 20-25. So that also works. And I can save those without guilt.

I also like to reply moments in therapy (hugs, hand holdings, etc) in my head, then of course other fantasies I make up. I'll fantasize that she will hold me, like in her lap... Play with my hair. Or cuddle with me in a bed. It soothes me. Not sure if the extra fantasies are 100% healthy, since I want them to happen and they can't. Although some people on this forum have given me hope that it could but their relationships with their T are usually NOT healthy... The freaking struggle!!!

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Regarding whether or not your T has overstepped some boundaries with the way she responds to you: my T was also a very tactile, huggy, telling-me-I'm-special type of T and that definitely did cause complications for me and increased my attachement and transference feelings very deeply.

I, like you, had all sorts of fantasies about longing for her to take care of me, tuck me in a night like a mom and all the rest. For me things got in a real painful mess more than once. The fantasies all stayed in my head - I never told her. Not sure how she'd have reacted! I did tell her I had a longing for her to be my mom and she said she was flattered by that and that that was ok.

Looking back I do think my T misjudged a lot of things and when I read your first post on this thread I did think how like my own T yours sounded - actually, not as loose boundaried as mine was! This is why I say again that if you feel overwhelmed by your feelings towards her and the transference and find it doesn't help telling her (hopefully it will though) then do consider talking it all through with another T even if only for a handful of sessions. As I said before this is what I did. It was helpful because the second T could see where there were loose or less than ideal boundaries or responses coming from my first T but I had support and advice in how to manage (from second T) and where to go from there at the same time. She could also see the difference from my interpretations of my first T and what was really happening. I often felt like I had some kind of over-sensitive antennae that was looking out for words and behaviours that meant I was special to the first T - but that ignored the fact that while she did care and liked me, she was also doing her job.

The thing is that once a strong attachment and strong transference has occurred it won't help at all to be simply told about any errors of judgement your T may have had or that perhaps she has dealt with you the 'wrong' way. You'll still have to find your way through the transference as once it has happened it can't simply be switched off. You'll almost certainly be unable to just leave her - as you've already indicated. So it's a case of finding the best way forward (best for you that is).

I do think there are many Ts who misjudge how to deal with very emotional hurt or needy people. The "mothering" style they use might feel amazing and just what we've always wanted (even though we never knew it until we met them!) and it might highlight and bring to our attention what we need to be nurturing and developing and then finding for ourselves in our real lives - but they can cause a lot of hurt too.

Anyway, if you think your think your T is fine and that things will be ok then ignore this. They do work in different ways - but get a second opinion if you're unsure or if, after you've talked to her about all this, you don't feel your T is really understanding your transference or her contribution to it.

I'm sorry you've had some difficult times I'm hoping life will get much better for you soon.
Take carexx

Yes, that's very good. Describes it all well.

There is a beautiful book called Why Love Matters by Sue Gerhardt which describes early emotional development - but also how our brains can 'change' and kind of fill in the 'gaps' left by emotional deprivation. Gave me a lot of hope that book! And it is true, with the right help (the right T?) we can fill in the gaps.

I think she'd understand And help, I just can't get myself to talk about it. I'll try again when I see her in 3 weeks. The transference didn't really happen right away, it developed over time I guess. Because in the first 2.5 years of it all I was really sick (anorexia), and didn't have much in the way of emotions at all. I barely recognized the fact I was abused. Then I got better, and I started to feel repressed emotions and it started to snowball into this mess of transference and intense feelings. That resulted into cutting. My T actually said it toke me 2 years to actually smile or laugh with her. I assume if I was actually healthy, the transference would of developed way sooner. Like on day 1.

I have a psychiatrist, who I see every 5-6 weeks for 15 minutes and I told him about my transference. I feel virtually nothing for him, if anything it's negative. So yeah that's what my appointments with him have been about. Other than him, I don't think could get another T just to talk about my T. So I'll just ask Him.

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My tranferance has been intense and I was having a hard time feeling connected to my T between sessions. She made me a recording and it has helped me in more ways than I can describe. I think it would help you to have a recording of her saying comforting things to you.

How would I ask?

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Just say that you would like a recording of her saying comforting things. You can even write down what you would like to hear so she has an idea. I know it's hard to ask but I'm telling you a recording is so healing and something you will have forever.

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The scared you become, the scarier it gets. I look at you as a warrior. What happened in your childhood, what is happening now is not your mistake. Stay strong, don't fight it.. Try going out, meet new friends, places, things that will get these things off your head, any pc games or anything which will make you feel good.. Im sure you ll be a great person someday.

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Thanks

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I might do it... Can't promise I'll be able to ask though :/

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I really hope you can ask. I can't stress enough how powerful my recording is that my T did for me. It has changed my life.

I hope you'll be able to muster the courage already residing within you.

It is going to be extremely hard and make you feel incredibly vulnerable, but it would be in your best interest for you to start telling her your feelings. It will help her help you. My brother is a psychologist and said transference means the therapy is working and my T. agreed. It took me awhile to admit any feelings towards my T. but I did. I've also told her many dreams I have had about her which has shown some light on issues I have.

For example, through telling her my feelings about her she pointed out I had abandonment issues. I had (really) no idea and looked at her like she was crazy. But, now I see it's a pattern in all my relationships. Even though you have maternal transference, most likely some of the patterns are in your other relationships as well.

You don't have to start telling her about feeling obsessive. I still haven't told my T. that. But, you could start with what you think about in between sessions. Maybe make a list of what bothers you about the transference and start there?

As far as her boundaries, I have learned that no one can tell you whether they are good or bad. If I went to 4 different T's, they would all probably treat me differently. It depends on my personality, my history, how I'm coping currently and my T's temperament and personal boundaries.

If I had a T' like yours, I don't think I could ever leave. BUT, I HAVE wanted a T like yours. I have asked my T. to give me things she's not willing to give -more time, more verbal validation/reassurance, etc. It's taken me a year to realize that she doesn't think they are in my best interest and it's not quite her temperament either. Could she be wrong? Maybe. Could she be right? Maybe. I now completely trust her (which took a year) and I have improved a great deal. So, I feel like what she's doing is helping more.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to try to tell your T. all of your feelings. I don't think she will be surprised and each time you can talk about it, you will give those feelings less "power". I also found it helpful to relate my transference to my mom (also the person who didn't give me what i needed). I remember crying hearing a song about someone caring for someone else. My thoughts immediately went to my T. and crying that she doesn't care in the way I want her to. I was always making it all about my T. when in reality it's about my mom. Once I could make those connections, I could understand why I was feeling the way I was. It took a ton of tears, obsession, time, pain and depression to get better.

I've actually been a little down this past week. My T. has been trying to get me to tell her my feelings all year. I would shut down or say "i don't know". I just last week said I had read the best way to get through transference is you have to FEEL it to HEAL it. You need to FEEL it in your session while telling her how you feel. Her reaction to you/attunement/positive reaction will heal you. My T. said "that's what I've been trying to get you to do!!!". Well, now my feelings are a lot less and I worry that i missed out on something. An important part of therapy is to have a cathartic experience. While telling your T. your feelings, you feel heard, you feel sympathy/caring/etc. that gives you a new experience for your brain to replace your mom's incorrect reaction to you.

So, think about and realize that every time you can tell her a feeling and she responds in a positive manner, you are building new brain pathways to allow you to heal. The more and deeper you can do it, the more you will heal. Unfortunately, it's all up to you. She can't read your mind and she can't help you if she really doesn't know the extent of your transference.

My T. started off asking me what my needs are. I squirmed and answered her. Then, she had me rank them. That list that we started a year ago are still the issues today. EVERY SINGLE FEELING I have towards her can be linked back to one of those needs.

So, perhaps a good starting place with your T. would be to go in and say you have a list of what you wanted from your mom and you've realized this because these are teh things you want from her. And, then start on one of them. I want you to care about me because...... I want you to be affectionate with me because...... I want you to HEAR me because....

Not only have my needs been the focus of my therapy but also how I react to my T. or how I EXPECT her to act. I expect her to act like my mom and she hasn't yet. But, getting past that every time has been very uncomfortable.

I hope sharing this helps you. i really know how you feel. I've been in the same boat. I'm still in it but I think I now have one paddle. I used to tell my T. I felt like I was on a boat out at sea with no paddles and a hole in the boat. The hole is smaller and I can mostly cover it with my foot. LOL

As you recognize the transference and where it's coming from, it will get easier to deal with. The key is to share it with someone who can help you and that person looks like she is more than willing!