Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

My therapist did the same thing last week. It was so sad.

Today's session was so much better. I felt like I was much more honest with you, and with myself. That was a tough disclosure I made today, but you know what? It felt ok. I must be starting to really trust you.

today i feel so belittled, ignored...and a piece of **** !

Thank you for not judging me. Thank you for not abandoning me. Thank you for accepting me for who I am and for being willing to help me explore issues around my sexual orientation. Thank you for hugging me. I can't stop crying, and I don't know why. I am so overwhelmed right now.

Hey T, know what's really triggering? Nighttime. Coming home. To nothing. Thinking. Breathing. Listening to well-meaning suggested courses of action that I know are laughably inadequate for the worthless mistake that I am.

Knowing deep down that nothing you or anyone else says matters and that I HAVE NO CHOICE but to be destroyed and I'm just kidding myself about everything.

**** it. **** all of it.

Dear uni therapist,

I just disappoint people. It's what I do. I'm so sorry you have to put up with me. Your time would probably be better spent on literally ANYTHING else.

There is most likely some other student who could fill my spot and be much more rewarding for you to work with, so maybe I should just give it up. There is obviously no hope for me. I really love you, though. Then again, maybe that's just another reason why I should quit.

Dear G, I felt so loved today. I don't know if words could ever properly express my gratitude. To tell you my deepest darkest secret and to know that you don't judge me and don't think I am disgusting. And you told me again today that I am brave. I don't feel brave. But I do feel loved, and I wish I could keep seeing you once a week instead of reducing therapy and phasing it out by December. I wish I had unlimited funds for therapy.

Dear G, everything is starting to un-freeze inside of me now. And feeling loved and accepted by you is opening up so much longing inside of me. All you can do is give me a taste of what it's like, and the need inside of me is colossal. Do you have any idea how huge that hole in my heart is?

Im not ready.

You're pulling away. I can feel it. It might be be me. Did you get too close? Have you gotten to invested? Did I screw up? Or is this all in my head. It's probably all in my head. You have a life. I know you're there. I need to stop being stupid.

Dear T

I'm not alright. I don't know what to do. I feel so tired. And so depressed. Sad. Everything is hopeless. I don't think I have a future. No, I know I don't have a future. I will never be ok. How can I go back to school or have a job when I can barely get out of bed. I'm now sitting here. I should do something. Do some cleaning. But I don't have the energy to move.
And it's not that I have so many bad thoughts. I can't even really think. I'm so slow. It's a feeling, mostly. I feel bad. I didn't start thinking about something that made me cry. No, I felt tired and sad and such. And I had to cry and that when I start thinking, it's all hopeless.

Not sure if I will tell you this. I feel like that you think I'm doing a little better. Maybe I did, just a little bit. But now, these last few days or weeks...it's getting bad again. I think. I'm not sure about anything. I don't know anything.

You have been away for 2 weeks now. The longest I've been without you. And I don't see you for another two weeks. You'll be back next week, but you didn't had a spot. I don't know If I even want to go back. I feel it's useless. I feel like it won't help. It's just pretending that I can change, that it can get better. But it's just buying some extra time.

Had an especially vivid dream about her last night T, a rather disturbing one. It wasn't a sex dream but had a heavy sexual component, one that bugs me and says a lot about where my head is at with regard to her. I'll tell you about it next session and am glad I trust you enough to do so.

Dear uni therapist,

It's been almost three days since I emailed you in despair, and two days since I emailed you again to say I was sorry. Are you ignoring me? I really want to know, but I told you in that last email that I would shut up, so I'll stick to that promise. I just wish you'd respond to at least tell me it's okay. I won't see you for another three weeks, at least.

Should I quit? Ask for a different mentor? I just don't know anymore. I really am sorry, though.

Dear G, I feel really depressed and overwhelmed today.

Dear T and MC,
I wish you both were vacationing at the same place as me this weekend and that we could have planned times to meet up. Being in a condo for four days with my parents, particularly my mom (and husband and daughter) is horribly stressful. It's like all my childhood stuff coming out again. And apparently my mom didn't even remember a big thing that happened last year that really upset me? Ugh. I'll just try to keep your images and words in my head to help me get through. And MC, if I call your work voicemail just to hear your voice, I probably won't leave a message--or I'll leave something rambling like I always do. And T, I'll likely e-mail you at some point. Or maybe multiple points. Or maybe I'll e-mail both of you. I will try my absolute hardest not to call either of your cells and bother you on a holiday weekend. Ugh, I shouldn't be dreading a vacation...

You really surprised me yesterday. When we discussed clock repair you suddenly you knew about the profession. At my previous appointment you knew nothing. Obviously you have done some reading.

Dear G, there is a part of me that is kind of mad at you for not outright asking me about me feelings for you last time we talked about my transference to you. Yesterday you said you had a feeling that was what was coming, when I told you about my romantic feelings for you. So why did you wait for me to bring it up? I suppose you think I needed to be the one to say it, or maybe you were afraid to bring it up in case you were wrong. Maybe I needed to be ready to talk about it.

Dear G, why have you not emailed me my invoice? This seems to be a more and more regular occurrence - not having my invoice ready when I pay you, and you say you will email it to me and then you don't.

Dear Pdoc

I feel terrible. I feel hopeless. I want to see you. I want to talk to you. I know you're just my pdoc, I'm not seeing you for therapy. And I haven't dare to tell you much during our appointments. But since last time, I don't know, I think I'm starting to trust you? Which is...well, I'm not sure if that's good. I don't trust therapists and I don't trust men. And you're both.

T I'm getting that feeling again. Lovely timing. Crap.

Sent from my LG-H345 using Tapatalk

Dear T1, its a long time since I wrote to you here. I was just reading an old thread here on PC I wrote after a session with you where you became emotional. It took me right back to that place, to you, and my heart is just aching for you now. I want to cry. I've put it out of my mind these last few months, but those feelings are still in there. I miss you so much.

dear T,

that email i sent you was hard for me. i dont know if i want to talk about it.

me

Dear G, it means so much to me that you are willing to help me navigate through figuring out my sexual orientation, that you are willing to walk that journey with me. I know you get paid to this, but you could have just stuck with doing the Lifespan Integration Therapy with me because that's what we've been doing. Right from the beginning you've been focused on doing what's best for me. We've changed directions in therapy several times because you were doing what you thought was best for me. Even when it meant stopping the neurofeedback and seeing me only once a week as opposed to 3 times a week, which would have meant a bigger pay check for you. Everything you've done for me has been with my best interest in mind. It's never been about you. It's always been about me. For so, so long I haven't been allowed to be me, but now, with you, I finally get to be who I am, and it feels like such a huge relief. I can finally have some rest for my soul. Thank you. YOU ARE THE BEST! I love you! I hope it's okay to say that.

I miss you

Damn it, T. I just want to be with you.