Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

Dear T
You are so nice to me. It is slightly frightening that you are so available and willing to help me if I am in distress, yet it makes me feel a little better knowing I can call or e-mail you when it all feels so unmanageable. I am going to try really hard to not have to call while I am visiting family this week, except I've failed and e-mailed you twice tonight I"m sorry.

I wish you could save me from this.

T, I am not feeling particularly contained this past week. Just FYI. But I forgive you.

I am not brave. I will not be able to show courage to others, though I think that is sweet if you to think it, T.

You would have to be some kind of monster to play such a cruel game with my life. To have told her about my sessions with you was ludicrous! SHE HAD NO RIGHT TO KNOW ABOUT MY LIFE!!! IT WAS NONE OF HER BUSINESS!! ANY FOOL WOULD REALIZE WHAT YOU WERE DOING WAS WRONG!

Why didn't you see it?? Why did you continue the charade for such a long time?? WHY???

You were just having so much FUN AT MY EXPENSE!! I hope you both rot in ______.

So yeah. I had a kind of erotic dream about you last night. I always told myself that if that ever happened, I'd tell you about it immediately - so I sent you an email this morning at dawn. I'm thoroughly freaked out about it, and honestly kind of pissed at you for showing up in my dream. Stay in your box, okay? Therapy was hard enough without having to tell you *that* before I had coffee this morning.

I trust that you'll take this, like everything else, in compassionate, professional stride. Please do so - you could break me pretty easily right now.

Hey T, thanks for doing just that. Knowing that you've got solid boundaries and I can talk about anything lets me...talk about anything. No matter how much I'd rather sink into the floor.

T1 just followed me on Twitter. (I followed him months ago) Not sure what to think or feel. Does this mean my desire for future contact might one day come true?

It's sad you didn't have any respect for me because I needed you, I really needed you, and you just walked away.

Dear T,

I felt very connected and close to you today.

It was a nice feeing.

I miss you !

3 more days until you are back from your super long vacation. I didn't sleep much last night. I'm having flashbacks and it's been very difficult.

i miss you and i want to talk to you but i don't want to miss you and i don't want to want to talk to you. what am i supposed to do with that?! well i know what my stressed-out head wants to do, mah stressed out head wants to 'forget' to call you thursday. like that would solve anything. but damn it all, i feel a tremendous amount of distance between us and have felt it all week even though last i heard, you were going to be here in town by yesterday. you might as well be on the moon, the way i've felt all week. i hate the way this feels.

I love you, and I hate that.

Oh my! That would really get me thinking...

I want you.

I feel weirdly OK about it. My transference has in the most part been worked through and I honestly don't feel I am grieving for him any more (I still miss him from time to time) I don't feel that differently than if a friend I hadn't seen for a while just followed me. I will have to explore it in therapy though in case there are some unconscious feelings that need addressing.

I'm tired of dealing with egotistical, self-centered, people (including yourself). I no longer believe that there is any hope that you (or others like you) will ever wake up. You're a lost cause.

I'm mad at you, and I'm mad at the whole world right now. Except there's nothing I can do except cry and try to escape.

That sums up precisely how I feel atm about my t.

Dear T

I'm feeling misarable. What's new. I had to think about you. And then I automatically think about your life. I don't know much about you, just a few things you've told me, and what I found on Facebook/google. When you were my age, just a few years ago, you already had a job, a boyfriend, you were living together with him. How different from me. I hate how my life went. I wasn't supposed to go like this. Why didn't anyone helped me sooner. I was 15. I didn't know what was wrong with me. And every adult just kind of ignored me. My parents sort of tried to help me. They send me to therapy. But only when I stopped going to school. They waited until the very last, until my problems couldn't be ignored anymore. And then bad T's..etc
I know I shouldn't think about that so much. It has happened. It can't be changed. But it's so hard. My life, I'm so useless. I know I'm responsible now for what ever I do. But it's so hard to change and to think differently after it has been like this for so many years. I should have got good help when I was younger. I feel it's too late.

I don't know what to do. I know what I want to do. But I can't. Should I just keep suffering? I hate myself so much. I envy you so much. I'm hurting. I feel so alone. I don't think it can get better for me. You think it's possible. Or at least you think can't say that without trying everything there's to try.
I'm afraid to tell you these feelings. I think that you might think I'm doing a little bit better. I don't think I am. These new meds make me feel less bad. My bad feelings are less intense. I don't cry that easily anymore. Maybe because I haven't cried in therapy for a while, you see that as a good sign. But I don't know about that...

Should I tell you that? Should I tell pdoc? I don't like to talk about that. It's so... I don't know.

so i want to cancel but i don't want to bother you to do so. how lame am i.

*
I finally got up the nerve to tell someone close what you and she did to me. I put it off a long time because I wasn't strong enough. Well I started out strong, but then fell to pieces again. I thought I could do it. This is so painful for me. She didn't have any answers either as to why you would both do something so cruel to me. Playing games with MY LIFE.

I wonder HOW YOU WOULD BOTH like it if I INVADED YOUR PERSONAL LIVES?? If I did to YOU something similar to what YOU DID TO ME. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT if I somehow get your embarrassing history and tell YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY or CLIENTS??

THINK ABOUT IT!!! YOU MISERABLE PEOPLE!!! THINK ABOUT SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOURSELVES FOR ONCE!!

dear t well i made it through a rough week w/out contacting you and depending on how tomorrow goes at work i may just text you to cancel thursday. i don't even know if you're here yet, i'm feeling stressed about your rate being higher than what i've been paying, stressed about having in-person appointments again, you would think i'd be happy hell i was happy but now that its on the horizon (well maybe it is, assuming you are here, which i don't know if you are or not yet) but i am stressed about the change, i think maybe i need to think about it a little bit more, assuming you are here you need to get yourself moved in and settled and into a new office so we should probably just cancel thursday and play it by ear for now. i don't know.

[
I had that nightmare again. You know the one where my co-workers pretended to hold me up in a meeting about one of our biggest investors while another co-worker rummaged through my desk looking for something to nail me on. Instead she found your number, called it and got your recording. Upon realizing you were my T she held another meeting, with a select few, where the scheme began to take root. The first plot was to find something in my bag that I STOLE from the store, but nothing was there, so the next best way to get me was to find out all the dirt she could from YOU and go on a smear campaign. What a nightmare!! There is more but I don't have time to tell you here. Maybe next session. I wish I were seeing you today because my anxiety level is through the roof.