Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

Thank you so much for everything. You are amazing and you were defiantly meant to be a T. Thank you even more for giving me a positive healthy therapeutic relationship that I can take from and apply it to my other relationships. I don't think you could get any more awesome if you tried.

dear T

bring up my emails. i am too ashamed to do it myself

me

I tried to replay the last 3 appointments in my head because after the phone call from you I thought, "there's either something I'm not getting or something I'm ignoring." Still not sure. Here's the thing, I read 3 more chapters and as I read them I was able to connect the book with my issues and with the things you tell me. Only one day later my head feels foggy and I can't recall much of what I read. The only thing I am sure of is that I need to remove the thorns. I even know what my thorns are, I just can't recall how to remove them. So I will do my best to pick up the book and read the 3 chapters again.

That being said, I'm afraid. I want to continue to be honest with you but for some reason, hopefully insanity, I fear that if I am not getting a handle on my relationship with you... You will give up on me. Please don't give up on me now. I feel like I am so close to understanding what I need to be doing but then there's practicing it. I fear that I will need a lot of practice. Maybe not. That would be great.

Another thing... I know that every time I do something right you wonder why I did it. Rightfully so. I understand the importance of me doing these things for myself. I can honestly tell you that you are NOT the reason I didn't smoke pot in California. I am staying clean for one silly reason... I want that glow-in-the-dark key tag they give at one year! After that year... I don't know what will be keeping me clean.

Almost everything else that I am doing, I am doing it for you. I'm showering more often for my cousin. I'm brushing my teeth for my sister. I go to work to keep me sane and more importantly to keep from being homeless. So as I admit this here and now I am aware... Again... That I do not care about myself enough to do these things for me. I don't know how to correct this. I think losing my weight will help my self-esteem but I am afraid to put it all on that one outcome. Aren't there other things that I can also do?

I try to imagine my life without you. How will it change? I will have to be the driving force behind my continuing to improve my life. I will have to want to do these things for me. Let's say I am capable of this. Then what? Do I stay in town and hope that I find a friend or partner that I want to spend time with? It doesn't seem likely that I will be successful in that. Do I move to wherever my sister is and live my life waiting to be included in her life... As a babysitter? That is not what I want.

Eventually you will leave. Eventually it will be over. I just see no reason to live. I'm sorry. So you can go now or later... I'm not sure it even matters. I have no life. This is my life. Dull. Lonely. Desperate. If it weren't for my meds you could add depressed to the list.

I won't read this to you because honestly, what can you do? It would only frustrate you and if I were you I would hate the thought that someone's life hinges on mine. That's not fair. It's not right. What can either of us do? Nothing, it seems. I suppose I will continue to work on the things you and the book are teaching me. Maybe life will get better and I will find a reason to live besides you.

Dear T

I'm still in bed. I'm so tired. I feel so much disgust for myself.
I was thinking about pdoc. And then about you. About your little daughter and about how happy you look on pictures with her. You always look happy. Or at least content with yourself. Do you even know how it feels to hate yourself, to not like yourself? Have you ever experienced that? I don't mean just a few times for something specific. But seriously hate yourself, not liking yourself, for a long period.
It hurts so much. The pain won't go away. The thoughts won't go away. Sometimes they disappear to the background a little bit, but they're always there.
I want to disappear. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to socialize. I don't want to talk. I don't want to think.
You think it can get better. We talked about. Other people can get better. So why wouldn't I can. But you don't know how I feel. You hear me tell you. I tried to tell you as good as I can. But you can't feel my feelings. You can't feel how much it hurt. I don't know if you ever experienced it. I think you don't, at least not so severe. I can't be sure. You don't tell me much about yourself.
But you're happy now. You feel good about yourself. You did when you were my age, I've been having you as a T when you were this age. You looked confident and happy.
I don't know if I can keep doing this. Seeing a T who looks so good. Happy. It's not like your smiling all the time. But it shows on your face that you're in a good place.
It reminds me that I'm not. And it ****ing hurts.

Dear T

So I did get out of bed. I went grocery shopping and during that one short time I couldn't take a call, you called. Why did you call? Do you need to cancel tomorrow? Are you sick? But if you'd be sick then you couldn't have called from the office. Unless it was one of your collegues. I'm not going to call you back. If it was you, then you could be in session and someone else would answer. So it has no use for me to call you. If it's important, then you will call back. If it was you.
But now I'm worried. It has to be about tomorrow's appointment. Otherwise you would probably have emailed me.
Why did you had to call when I couldn't answer it. Now I'm wondering the whole time what it's about. I'm worried. Please call back.

Dear T,

I am annoyed with you. You see me as a flexible person, and you thank me for being that way. However, I am starting to get frustrated. I am sick of waiting around for you to start our appointments, or waiting around for you to cancel, or ask to come in at a different time. I need some constituency back in our scheduled appointment times. I am hoping that I can convey all of this to you, when I see you today.

dear T

the first thing you did today was bring up my email. i was glad you did but also thinking... ummm did he read my post????? surely not T! there have been a couple other things that i have noticed are kinda coincidental. honestly i really dont think you would take the time to do that, but i will admit it was weird when that happened today!!!

me

Dear T

So you called to ask me if I can come an hour later tomorrow. You double booked my time. First time that has happened. You said you called me first to ask. Why? Why me? Why do you call me first? Why not that other person? Because you know I don't have a life? Because you know I'll probably say yes? I think it's that. I'm ok with everthing. I never whine. I'm such a doormat.
I didn't say anything when you were a bit late last week, because of the client before me. And now you call me first. Me. You ask me to come in later. I feel I'm less important. I think every client you now have is new. You only started at that place a month ago. I'm a long time client. Is it that you want to make some sort of good impression on those newbies? And with me you can be ''easier''? You're a good T, but being a few minutes late and now this. I don't like it.
Why do I even bother going at all. It's not like life will ever get better for me.

Right, I'm just trying to sort this out in my head...
So, you said that when I feel abandoned by you I get angry. Which I do.

But when you try to get close, I back off. Which is true. I can't handle it and I feel too vulnerable. Also I don't trust you, or trust what you say. I wonder what your motives are.

And then, after a session like that, I am mixed between wanting to make you very happy iykwim, and wanting to be really really nasty, and hurt you.

I'm trying to make sense, but I can't. What's going on? And I can't tell you that last bit, so....

Dear T,

I found your Dad's website.I put the name together from your FB profile and something your said what he does. I'm guessing you wouldn't care since he's a public figure. He's published and all that. I can see where perhaps some of your influences come from but I can also see that, given his own bio, you've had some struggles yourself. I can appreciate that. Knowing just a hint of what your family has been through makes me appreciate your method and your demeanor a billion times more.

And your story and mine might have a few more similarities than I thought.

P.S. I'm not buying his book though. It's old white guy stuff, and I'm not sure I need to relate to his story or pov, but he seems nice.

[QUOTE=baseline;4607714 I can't do that again, i'm unraveling. My worst fear is losing control and that is exactly what is happening. Why won't I let you help?[/QUOTE]

I just want to say that I recently told my T that I felt like I was unraveling (my exact term!), and this is what she wrote me back:

(I wrote that I felt like I have been in a tight ball holding everything in for a long time and felt like I was unraveling bit by bit in each session)

I have found that to be absolutely spot on true. Well put!

Dear MC,
Thanks for stepping back into the waiting room today to wave "hi" to me while I was waiting for T. It seems like such a little thing, but after the e-mail I sent you last week and yesterday's session, it meant a lot to me.

Dear T,
Thanks for being great today. I feel like I dumped an awful lot of stuff on you just after your vacation, but you were great at listening and quite insightful. I feel bad sometimes that I have such a connection to MC, because you're a great T and have been very helpful to me. But I also can't really control to whom I'm connected and respond in a certain way, and I know you understand that.

I forgot to say thank you at the end. So thank you for listening to what was easily the most painful thing I've told you today with patience, kindness, and understanding.

You ruined my life. You ruined my career of 30 plus years. Heck, You're not even a T that long! You miserable low-life scumbag. You just played me for a fool for your own enjoyment period. I'll tell everyone I can about your despicable behavior. I hope you have a lousy vacation.

I know you'll be thinking of me because you'll be with HER a testament to your evil ways.

T, last time we met you told me I know where to find you if I need you.
Looking at your texts you wrote it a couple times: "When you need me I'm here". Maybe your other clients just call/text you. I don't know why I can't. It's like an inside stop I have. It's difficult to never feel at ease and always want to be invisible, to feel like you are less and you will always bother others whatever you are doing or asking for, even when for them it's OK. It's like having huge rusted chains that fasten you to the bottom of a hole.

Dear T

I'm not looking forward to today's session. I never do anymore. I don't want to talk. It cost me so much energy and I'm so tired. I don't know what to talk about. Yes, there are actually several topics I should discus with you, but I'm so dreading that. And it's only 2 sessions until your vacation. I feel like I should wait until after your vacation. I'm not sure why. Maybe because it's feel like 2 sessions is too short to discus or the wait until I'll see you again is too long to discus it now.
I wish I didn't need therapy.
I envy you so much. It hurts me.

2 days down 23 more to go before I see you again. I still worry that you are going to refer me out to someone else but I just can't bring myself to tell you that. I just feel like the way I want to use therapy doesn't line up with how you like to do things. You haven't said so but it is always in the back of my mind.

You said to email you next week but I don't know if j want to bother you. We will have to see how the week goes with my family. To see if I need to email you.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Missed our session today T, but weirdly it is T1 I am longing for in your absence.

Darling T,

Remember when you said that one thing?
I wish you could say it now.

EM

Dear T

You were late again. So it was only 4 minutes. I saw the client before me leave your room at my time. This time I didn't got angy (though I dispice that girl before me), but I felt sad. Not important. Less than others.
You did went about 4 minutes over my endtime. But with the girl before me you went 15 minutes over time. Why? And I was so good to come an hour later because you double-booked that time.

I didn't told you, again. You saw or notice at my lack of talking, that I wasn't so well. We got to talk about the sessions, about that I'm afraid you think I'm annoying, about that I think you like your other clients more than me.
We talked about that. But there are some more reasons why I dread our sessions. Those I didn't tell you.
You asked if you can do or say something that would make me trust you more. I said there wasn't really anything, that it's more me and how I think. In my head I though: you can say that you like me, than you like seeing me, that I'm your favorite client.
I'm still not relieved. You didn't actually said that you don't find me annoying. You said ''I can say I don't think you're annoying but you wouldn't believe that''. Which is probably true, I would still doub. But it would be nice to hear.

You said you would see me next week and then 2 weeks not. You said that I could do 2 weeks without you. I said yes, but I thought no. I probably could, but I don't want to. Even though at the moment I don't like going to therapy, I do want/like to have a session every week.

After this whole talking, I still have doubts. How can you not dislike me?

Dear (ex?)T,
I didn't make it. Today I went to my gp begging for help and she gave me my first (tons of) antidepressants. I tried to do without. I'm sorry, I know you were strongly against it for me but I've wanted to kill myself. I told you I felt I couldn't make it on my own this time but you didn't believe me. It's not too bad I'm not seeing you, I would have trouble explaining, Well I hope I'll get some help now and see the sun again.

I meant what I told you just now and there is much more behind it. Please respond with something I can hold on to. I am coming apart from the stress of it all..