Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

oh never mind t i don't know what i'm thinking.

yes i do i'm thinking i made a mistake saying i want to continue.

or maybe i'm just totally getting cold feet about having in-person appointments again.

why in the world would THAT be?! i guess i should do some thinking about that before next week. i swear, this dear t thread really gets me doing some good work.

You're a parasite, liar and cheat. The sooner people realize that the sooner they can separate from you. Unfortunately, you have honed your manipulative behavior not only over your clients but also your personal relationships. I see you have also trained your clients to manipulate others in similar fashion as if you believe the world should operate according to ____. Control freaks that you are.

Teaching someone to manipulate their family and friends is dangerous. Is that what therapy is for?? Do the insurance companies condone using their money in this way?? This is a highly questionable form of therapy to say the least.

I love you more than u know.

Hold me. Please.

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Thank you so much. Oh, and I'm jealous of your tan.

I told you today that I trusted you. "Valuable", meanwhile, was a thinly-disguised euphemism for you know damn well what.

The truth, though, is that I don't fully trust anybody. Certainly not myself. There are things I'll never be able to tell you. Even in front of you -- maybe especially in front of you -- I have to be stronger than I really feel. I'm sorry. I wish this didn't all boil down to such a damn "business".

I don't know if this can ever work and I don't know if anything or anyone can help. I don't dare believe in anything. I feel guilty for my problems. I can't sleep at night. Everything is worse than I can possibly put into words. It's all a terrible error, everything, my entire life. I'm not supposed to be here. I am an invading body slowly being erased by the universe.

Nighttime magnifies the horror by an infinite factor. God damn it I wish I could sleep.

at times I really really miss you and other times I don't think of you at all. Mostly I'm angry at you though, for whatever reason.

Iloveyou

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I'm so desperate to talk to you. I'm worried that I effed up with my friend. I went by the grocery store to see if you were there shopping but I didn't see your car. It's probably for the best. I really feel so confused about things. How did I get myself here? I know I'm not doing well because I thought about "it" today as a solution. Also I got that dopey feeling I get when I am feeling overwhelmed and out of it. Unreal feeling.

5 days until you are back and only 6 days until my next appt. This has been such a long break and I'm so confused about it. I want to talk to you so much, yet I also don't have anything to say to you. I want to tell you how hard this has been for me but I also want to act like I don't care. Sigh.

(t i think part of my problem at the moment is that i feel zero-nada-zilch connection with you all week and i hate it. i know you're in the middle of moving and you can't be baby-sitting my process all the damn time but **** i feel like i'm looking out at the great big world without you and i don't like i don't like it one bit not one little bit)

I need you to hold me and hug me and tell me everything will be ok. I love you.

iwishiknewifyouwereintownyetornotsigh

T, I had another breakdown tonight. I was lying awake, staring at the ceiling, thinking of you, but then my thoughts turned to her and that's when I crashed. All the years, all the memories, all the images, the promises, the totality of her flooded my mind in a tidal wave and then it seemed as though the tears would never stop.



It occurs to me, not for the first time, that my feelings for you are somehow a substitute for her. A "transference", to coin a term. But I still don't believe that's true, unless I've totally taken leave of my senses and don't recognize my own mind anymore.

You made one of the biggest mistakes of your life & MY LIFE when you called HER up. You just had to do anything you could to meet HER didn't you? YOU have made my life miserable because of it.

dear T

i have problems.

but you already knew that

me

Dear T
Sorry I emailed you and bothered you. I know I am a pain in the *** and you want nothing to do with me. Maybe I will just cancel our next session. Better to leave now before you kick me out.

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Dear T,
It was pure luck that I found you, and even though we've only been doing therapy for a few months, I can tell that this might actually help. You seem to get me very easily, and make it that much easier to talk in there. You also don't make assumptions based on symptoms which is also awesome. Thank you. I know I have a long journey ahead, but it helps to know that you will be there with me.

Last week was difficult so I made you sit with your back to me. I spent 40 of our 50 minutes together with my head between your shoulder-blades and my left hand on the side of your little belly. I hope you enjoyed it on some level and weren't just tolerating one of my 'eccentricities'. I find myself trying to hold onto that feeling as it has all but cured my sleeping difficulties.
I was in so much pain, but the warmth is what has remained.
Thank you.

Did you enjoy your week off? I've missed our session but also I've been figuring some stuff out. Looking forward to seeing you.

I'm wondering what you think of the many people who stood by and waited with bated breath every week for the "report" on my personal life? I mean they couldn't wait for the latest news to gossip about me. They heard everything they ever wanted to know about me AND MORE. From YOU and the deviant one. BOTH of you broke every ethical and moral rule of law discussing my personal life and repeating it to others. What do you think of these people? Do you think they are demented like yourself?

This all reminds me of a tragedy years ago that never left my mind. A woman was killed in the alley between apartment buildings and all the neighbors heard her screams. NO ONE did anything until it was too late. No one even called the police. You'd think someone would try to do something but NO ONE DID.

hey t. good lord i was a mess today for a few minutes. had to have a meeting with my sup because i have not been myself lately at work and i was explaining to him that i'm just feeling so uncomfortable with the coaching stuff they have me doing. i tried to withdraw from the program but he talked me out of it for now. same old line 'we need you'. ugh! manipulation is right. i'll stick it out a little longer and hope they give me the promotion when it comes up again. if they don't, i've made up my mind, i'm quitting altogether and finding something else. hell i'm already looking anyway. t i really need to stop obsessing about whether you are here in town yet or not. jeez, i am pathetic. i'll try to stop thinking about it and just plan on calling you at the normal time on thursday, and be happily surprised if you get in touch first and say you're here and let's meet wherever. i guess this is sorta stressful on me too in a way, even though it's a good thing you moving back here, it's still stressful somehow changing back to in person. so that's a 3rd stresser added to the other 2 (the work stuff and the house-buying-moving). I guess I can look at it this way. I'm getting through it w/out texting, emailing, or calling you. Not very well, but I am.....

^ This is what happens when you break confidentiality laws. (first paragraph)^

^This is what happens when everyone turns their back on your screams for help. (second paragraph)^

Darling T,

I wish this incessant desire to talk to you and be with you would go away. I like you and all but this is hard and confusing and I don't understand why I have this desire....

EM

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dear T

thanks for your texts reassuring me and reminding me about the prns. those things made it manageable for me to go to work ... so....thanks T. see you tomorrow

me