Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

I had a horrible rest of the day after we met yesterday. I wish i could have had the courage to tell you the full extent of my (romantic?) transference to you, but it was scary enough just saying what I did. I know you said that nothing I tell you will make you walk away from me or tell me we can't meet anymore, but I'm afraid to trust that. Even though you were the one to initiate the hug before I left, I still felt awful. I feel bad and dirty for having these feelings for you.

I wish you would say something.

Dear G, I've been so distressed about my feelings for you that I have been having a hard time eating. Usually I have the opposite problem and eat too much, wether I can afford it or not. And it's 2 whole weeks until I can talk to you again. Maybe, if I lose a significant amount of weight you'll understand how much this is eating me up inside.

Dear G, I remember when I told you my most embarrassing moment, which I can now laugh about. I could hardly get the words out because I was laughing so hard, but when I finally did, you leaned back in your chair and laughed and laughed. I don't laugh very much because I feel so self conscious. Your laughter was so different from mine, so free and easy. But I loved seeing you laugh like that, and I hope someday I will be able to laugh like that too.

There are other things I will always remember about you too. Like the way one time when I asked for a hug, you replied, "Always!" And I knew you meant it because you had such a genuine look of happiness on your face and you opened your arms wide to embrace me.

I will also aways remember when I told you what Phyllis did to me and my sisters, how ashamed I felt, how I couldn't look at you. So you got out of your chair and knelt down in front of me, and it was impossible to not look at you then, and what I saw in your eyes was so much genuine compassion and concern. Also, at the beginning of that session, before I could get the words out, you were so worried about me because according to you I looked very pale and you thought I was going to pass out. Nobody has ever been that concerned about my emotional wellbeing before.

dear T

UR GONNA GET MARRIEDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!! i am so happy for you!!! i am glad you have your own little family now and i know u love the kids!! they are lucky to have you and her as parents!!

me

You will always have a special place in my heart. You are amazing and I wish there was more people like you in this world.

My feelers are hurt that you not only moved my appointment time today, but straight up canceled my next appointment. I understand that you have this other job that it's important too, but it has never impacted my care before this week aside from a couple of quick calls from residents during our session (over the course of years) What makes this even more frustrating is that I know if I were to tell you this then you would validate my feelings and apologize. You likely even liget feel bad with the way you thanked me so many times for moving my appointment. I could send you a text or e-mail and you would likely respond and tell me to call you. I really don't want all that. I just want my 50 minutes curled up on your sofa without any demands as to how I spend it and the freedom to say or not say anything I would like. How about I just go ahead and come in and take my 50 minutes in solitude?

it's official, t.
i am a dork.
looking forward to seeing you on Thursday.

Dear T, I've always been ashamed to say it: I feel really old and like I wasted my life so far and I am sure I will never have a family. I am too shy and bearing the burden of abuse. Unable of healthy relationships. I seem to attract only people who want to use me. It was always so easy for you to talk.

I hate my life!

Dear T,
I don't think I ever mentioned this to you, but often after a session with MC, I get this warm, fuzzy feeling that lasts for a few hours. Today I had that after my session with you. Pretty sure that's a good sign about our relationship and connection. So, thanks!

Dear G, I love you so much. I hope you are having a nice, restful holiday. I have so much gratitude for you. I know you said I don't have to thank you, and I know you get paid for what you do, but some things are worth more than any amount of money can buy.

I wish you lived my life today, or better yet, for the last year. I'd like to see you live it and then hear your own advice back in your face. You from your ivory tower, thinking you know the answers for me. Thinking I should befriend someone because she is "pretty" then trying to FORCE A FRIENDSHIP ON ME!! You have to be out of your mind to even have thought it, let alone try to make someone do something they don't want to. It must be the drugs affecting you.

I really don't want to wait a whole week to talk to you again. 7 more days. I don't want to pester you with another email because I'm afraid you'll tell me to stop emailing.

I'm practicing what I'm going to say to you. Will I scare you? Will you talk to my pdoc right away? Hopefully it'll be easier than I think.

bodysurfing, huh?



un-needed mental image but ok. Transference is a b**ch

Dear G, I don't know how anyone could not melt when they look into your eyes and see all that sparkling warmth. Most of the time I have to look away. Do you have any idea what that does to me? Sometimes it makes me mad that you have that much power over me, and that looking into your eyes has that effect on me.

You always respond within minutes. Thank you.

Dear T

I think these feelings I have for pdoc are extracting me from everything else. I feel empty and I don't know what to talk about. Or it are the meds that make me kind of feeling numb. I don't know. It's just that I don't feel much and I don't think much about other things than pdoc. I'm so tired of it. I long for him so much and it hurts. There won't ever be a nice man who'll like me. I'm unlikeable.

You told me to draw.
I did.
I'm embarrased.
I hate everything I drew.
It's out now I guess.
You said I can share it with you.
If I wanted.

I'm not sure I can.

EM

I love how your face is so expressive. I can see pain, compassion, love, care, interest, disgust. I never have to ask how you are feeling or what you are trying to project because your face says it all. Not a lot of people have that and I am happy you do.

I'm stuck in a loop.

Dear T

I won't see you for 4 whole weeks. 4 weeks! Last session when we were planning next session, you looked at your agenda and said we'll see eachother next week, then I'm away for 2,5 weeks, and then we can see eachother that ***day again.
Then today, we were planning next session and I couldn't come that day. So now I won't see you for 4 whole weeks instead of 3 whole weeks. You were already full that ***day, I think. But that sucks!!! Because of what you told me last session, I expected to see you after 3 weeks. I though that was already long. But now it's 4 whole weeks! I hate this! Yes, at the moment I don't look forward to sessions, but I don't need to do that. I need it. I need therapy. I can't do this alone. 4 whole weeks without someone to talk to. 4 whole weeks without you.
You said that time will fly by. Maybe for you. You're going on vacaction for 10 days, to a beautiful place. And then you're home for another week. You'll spend time with your boyfriend and babygirl and probably friends. You have a life. But I don't. For me the time will go by very slow.

T,

i feel so exhausted and worn out!!! i wish tomorrow was saturday..my day off. i need to take care of myself right now so i can do it again tomorrow. HOPEFULLY tomorrow is better... i understood what u were talking abt in your text, but that doesnt apply to me.... i used to cut because im a depressed girl who cant handle her emotions!! when my coworker saw my scars and asked what happened i wanted to run the **** away!!! it was so awkward!!! AGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

me

Dear T,

I miss you. I think you are the only person in my life who cares.