Wish I could stop wanting a mother figure....

Today seems worse. I've found that I'll feel completely fine and then something will trigger me (coworker seeing T.) which sparks my transference. I'll realize all the longings really have more to do with not having a mom than my T. and then get upset about that.

I can't stop tearing up at work and should really probably just take off today. But, my kids are at home so I wouldn't have anywhere to go and really be alone. Ugh, therapy sucks.

When I was in the midst of very intense maternal, and erotic, transference, I accumulated over 100 books. Seriously, more than 100, filling 2 bookcases in my bedroom. You know, I think I'll count them today! Lol!

From following your posts, it does seem that you really are working through it. I can feel it in your posts.

I would sob, snot running off my chin, "I want you to be my Mom so much" so many times to my therapist. Serious deep core need.

Pam

When I was in the midst of very intense maternal, and erotic, transference, I accumulated over 100 books. Seriously, more than 100, filling 2 bookcases in my bedroom. You know, I think I'll count them today! Lol!

From following your posts, it does seem that you really are working through it. I can feel it in your posts.

I would sob, snot running off my chin, "I want you to be my Mom so much" so many times to my therapist. Serious deep core need.

I haven't cried in front of my T. so it all comes out in between sessions. I've also read a ton but haven't in several months. I think the spacing was helping because I just didn't feel like reading or researching - don't have the desperate feeling to figure it out.

What got you through it? Just talking more and more?

Honestly what got me through it was terminating therapy and having time pass. I think of her fondly but the soul crushing longings are gone.

I saw her 3-4/week for 5 1/2 years. For at least 2 of those years, 100% of my sessions were spent in tears. I told her everything about my feelings and fantasies. Dreams too. I held nothing back.

It was as if all of the tears and desires that my biological mother didn't hear were unleashed upon my therapist.

Ultimately, though, I could not take it anymore and have to leave. I couldn't come out on the other side until I got away from her.

Wow, that was very intensive therapy! I'm sorry that had to be the end result but I can understand your decision. I've thought about and told my T. about quitting many times. But, I recognize I'm much better than a year ago and it's helping me be a better mom to my girls.

I felt this with my ex-T too. I think it went both ways though, she was the exact same age as my mother and single with no kids.

In fact, just before she turned cold and abandoned me for 6 weeks and told me we couldn't be close anymore she said "I would never abandon you because your mother abandoned you and you need me."

Typing that hurts my heart.

The new one is very kind and warm but she's only maybe 8-9 yrs older than me. Seems safer.

The relationship I had with her was the most intense of my entire life!

I have one daughter, 14 years old. My therapy definitely helped me be a better Mom, in innumerable ways. More so since I terminated and the obsession with my therapist dissolved.

Do you have no further contact, at all, with your ex-therapist? I've followed your story, and know how hideously terribly she treated you, but I'm not clear what happened at the end.
This question should probably be in your other thread, but I'm lazy this morning lol.

I sent her a final email saying goodbye and I won't be back. It took her 7 weeks to answer it.

It was really hard and painful but I know she was hurting me worse.

I'm not some hobby she can throw out and keep around at a very far distance just in case she wants to pick me up again. It hurts and it's unhealthy. Plus I could never heal.

She's really lucky to have you. I was an only child too and it's really important to have a good mom.

Thank you so much! I take the job of Mother very seriously, it's the hardest job on the planet, in my opinion.

My mother sucked. I take great pride and pleasure in being a good Mom. The best thing is, my daughter agrees with me.

Ironically, I am currently paying a large sum of money to have my mom be in a very nice assisted living apartment. I visit her 2-3/week and do all sorts of stuff for her. She is 94. And she is still as selfish and self-centered as always. If I get sick, or am not feeling well, her primary concern is how it will affect her.

I have no love for her, only responsibilities and obligations. I can't wait until she dies!

I get what you mean. I was damaged so badly by my adolescence/late childhood it's hard to know what to feel.

Was she narcissistic? I've been looking into narcissistic abuse lately and it seems so familiar.

I don't think my mom was a classic narcissist, just so selfish. It was all about her. I might have faired better being raised by wolves.

I felt the same way. I took care of my mom and was the "good girl" but I wanted it all to be over. I was so tired of the manipulation. My T. asked me last session if I missed her. I really don't think I do. I miss asking questions but not her. I miss more the mom I never had.

I once told my T. I loved her. She asked why it was so hard to say. I said I really didn't know. She said maybe it's the first time you had the emotion behind the words. I realized I always told my mom I loved her but I'm not sure I ever felt it. I had closed my heart off from her for years.

Did your T say she loved you back?

I say "I love you" to my mother but there is no emotion of feeling when I say it. I say it because I feel like I have to. Now when ever I say it to someone I care about I get attached.

No, she didn't. I said it and then quickly said that I know she probably can't and doesn't have to say it back. I saw it when her eyes teared up when she said she cared about me. She nodded and said sometimes you don't have to use words to express it. That was enough for me.

I'm never really sure if I want a mother figure or not. When I read what normal, healthy moms are like, it sounds like stuff that would be wishful thinking, stuff that would mean I was spoiled or something. I associate a mother with someone who feels obligated to not let you die, or else people would judge her. And that's about it. I see a mother as only a survival safety net in case you're about to die. That's about all I can give my mother credit for, not letting me die on the streets. And I'm also expected to be grateful for that. Someone who is unconditionally loving and supportive, who doesn't try to control you half to death or sabotage your independence, someone who is really there for you and wants you to be genuinely happy? That sounds like fantasy crap to me and honestly makes me uncomfortable.

SoccerMom, I think you described your therapy goal very well with your own comment:
"I don't necessarily want a new T. so I guess I need to just go through all of this. She has agreed that the more I talk about it and take in what she can give me, the less the pain will be. I guess I'm just not done yet."

It's so very painful, but getting to the place where you can tell the therapist what you long for is a huge step. Also, since I'm in this stage too, I've learned that there's a lot of relationship experience to do yet with T. You just hurt yourself worse by making yourself face independence way ahead of time. Cutting down on sessions won't help but will make it all worse. It's like working at both ends but cutting out the middle.
My T said that in order to become independent, I have to be dependent first.

Maybe it would help to read up some on "Attachment Therapy". It was very encouraging for me, to read up on what to expect from T, as my caregivers were exacting and cruel, too, and I expected to same from therapy, as I didn't know better until T and I got into it deeply.

I don't have a choice about spacing right now and want to try it. I was really fine for the first week or so. If the coworker thing hadn't happened I would have been fine. That's the joy of living in a small town (not).
I'm going to talk to her Monday about this episode and how I feel.

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