[AnaWhitney]

I've read so much here on PC about transference that it has got me wondering....
I have come to the conclusion (what I say here could be very wrong, and please if you disagree, please say so as that is what this post is about - seeing different views etc.) that if you enter therapy with a complete awareness of what transference is and why it could be likely to crop up, that you will be less likely to develop these intense feelings?
I have learned so much already from seeing my T. As someone who shies away from all meaningful relationships and is terrified of intimacy, there is literally nobody that I am close to. I have found myself becoming attached to my T ( not the kind I feel right before I push that person away for good, the kind that feels like it will actually last, for the first time in my life) I mean, she is so unlike my mother who was always an unpredictable drunk and very difficult person for anyone to be around. There are no consequences for talking things through with T. She understands, she is calm, she is great, she is everything I think I always wanted. When I am in crisis or having a problem/ hard time my instinct is to keep those closest to me away as it is not safe to show weakness or have feelings in front of them. Now I can imagine one person that I would potentially trust in those situations, T.
So where is my transference? Why haven't I developed it? Not that I'm complaining but I just don't get it. I think I had transference for my school guidance counsellor years ago, I didn't understand at the time, it just felt like I was in love. Although she was nice I didn't tell her a whole lot. She was really unreliable and not particularly helpful, but she did try and I guess that was enough at the time to make me love her. And the shame of the whole thing and not understanding made it so much worse. All in all she was not even a fraction as great as T.
I've since learned all about transference and was glad that falling in love with an older woman was not just my weird thing. I started therapy armed with this info 6 months ago. So my question is, is this why I haven't developed transference? Or is it still early days? It only took like a week with my guidance counsellor. I would love your thoughts and your own experiences

[Argonautomobile]

Originally Posted by AnaWhitney

I have found myself becoming attached to my T ( not the kind I feel right before I push that person away for good, the kind that feels like it will actually last, for the first time in my life) I mean, she is so unlike my mother who was always an unpredictable drunk and very difficult person for anyone to be around. There are no consequences for talking things through with T. She understands, she is calm, she is great, she is everything I think I always wanted. When I am in crisis or having a problem/ hard time my instinct is to keep those closest to me away as it is not safe to show weakness or have feelings in front of them. Now I can imagine one person that I would potentially trust in those situations, T.

Isn't that your transference right there? Or do you mean specifically erotic/romantic transference?

[AnaWhitney]

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

Isn't that your transference right there? Or do you mean specifically erotic/romantic transference?

Do you think so? With the guidance counsellor it used to hurt, with T it doesn't. Maybe I don't understand transference at all? I saw it as learning to trust T, because she has shown she is different to everyone else in my life, I didn't see it as transference.

[Argonautomobile]

Originally Posted by AnaWhitney

Do you think so? With the guidance counsellor it used to hurt, with T it doesn't. Maybe I don't understand transference at all? I saw it as learning to trust T, because she has shown she is different to everyone else in my life, I didn't see it as transference.

Eh, transference is such a problematic term. I'll let people more schooled than me weigh in on the meaning of the word.

I guess there could be lots of reasons you don't feel the intense attachment to your current T that you felt with your counselor. You're older and more experienced, for one--so maybe being armed with the knowledge of transference does prevent it--but I would expect it has more to do with what your needs are now vs then. Maybe you feel more secure, or are getting those lovin' feelin's met outside of therapy where you weren't before?

Before I entered therapy, I read up a lot about transference and resolved that I'd just see her as a professional doing her job.

However, I still developed strong transference feelings, sigh.

I end up telling her she brings up weird transference feelings and saying that I shouldn't have them because the caring and warmth in therapy space is just an "generated illusion" which she creates as part of her job.

But the feelings are still there, despite my fear of intimacy and resolve not to develop transference.

[AnaWhitney]

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

Maybe you feel more secure, or are getting those lovin' feelin's met outside of therapy where you weren't before?

Eh.. no definitely not. I barely speak to my parents. I behave like a cold hearted selfish ****** to keep them away because it's the only way to do so. I have never been in a relationship. Sex terrifies me. I can't even have a goodnight kiss without running away. After a couple of these moments I have learned to just avoid dating, it is too frightening. I don't have any real friends because I push all the potential ones away. Everyone who is nice scares me. So, no, definitely definitely not. Just to rule that out like!

[AnaWhitney]

Originally Posted by QuietMind

Before I entered therapy, I read up a lot about transference and resolved that I'd just see her as a professional doing her job.

However, I still developed strong transference feelings, sigh.

I end up telling her she brings up weird transference feelings and saying that I shouldn't have them because the caring and warmth in therapy space is just an "generated illusion" which she creates as part of her job.

But the feelings are still there, despite my fear of intimacy and resolve not to develop transference.

That is really interesting, It sounds like the kind of stuff I've been telling myself too. How long did it take for the feelings to develop?
Thank you for sharing your experience

[Argonautomobile]

Originally Posted by AnaWhitney

Eh.. no definitely not. I barely speak to my parents. I behave like a cold hearted selfish ****** to keep them away because it's the only way to do so. I have never been in a relationship. Sex terrifies me. I can't even have a goodnight kiss without running away. After a couple of these moments I have learned to just avoid dating, it is too frightening. I don't have any real friends because I push all the potential ones away. Everyone who is nice scares me. So, no, definitely definitely not. Just to rule that out like!

Huh. Well, the good news is that it sounds like you have a healthy relationship with your T which will serve as a good model for other healthy relationships outside of therapy.

Another possibility is that it's some way your T is different than your former counselor. Not to blame transference on the counselor...but I do sometimes read stories on here where I think, "Wow. It almost seems like the T is encouraging this." Which, hey, some of them do. They make douchebags in all professions.

[AnaWhitney]

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

Huh. Well, the good news is that it sounds like you have a healthy relationship with your T which will serve as a good model for other healthy relationships outside of therapy.

Another possibility is that it's some way your T is different than your former counselor. Not to blame transference on the counselor...but I do sometimes read stories on here where I think, "Wow. It almost seems like the T is encouraging this." Which, hey, some of them do. They make douchebags in all professions.

Yes I am glad that my T is not one of those. I feel I can really trust her to help me fix my life. I know I am blessed to have her.
I'm sure it will all make sense some day. Thanks for your perspective

Originally Posted by AnaWhitney

That is really interesting, It sounds like the kind of stuff I've been telling myself too. How long did it take for the feelings to develop?
Thank you for sharing your experience

I can't really tell when it started. I think it was gradual when we started imagery work on some childhood traumas. It required trust to go there, which I had - trust in her competence - but I didn't expect her response to be really caring. Like she was really there with me, instead of keeping a professional distance.

I remember asking her why did she want to get close into the mess, when she could keep a safe psychological distance, and she said something about how it wouldn't be healing if I was left to deal with things all alone like I did as a child.

I remember I started thinking more about her, wanting to be close, yet being scared, and that's also when I really upped my "You don't really care! Stop being so nice and kind!" accusations towards her.

I keep reminding myself that she's simply a professional doing her job, even as she tells me that she doesn't see each client as "just a job".

So now I tell myself that she's this way with every single client, so I'm just a client.

I tell myself that she makes every client feel special and "the only one" when they're in session with her.

She's been saying that even if my feelings towards her are based on a "generated illusion" (my words), the feelings are still real.

[unlockingsanity]

I would say that for me, it definitely avoided a lot of pitfalls. I still have regular transference issues, but fortunately, I've never had to deal with erotic transference. I think that some transference is always going to happen (whether or not we're conscious of it) because it happens in all relationships, regardless of whether it's the therapy relationship or a friendship. Our life experiences affect how we see ourselves and others and transferring these experiences/emotions to other people happens probably more regularly than we'd like to admit or than we're aware of.

But yes, for me, knowing beforehand that this is strictly a professional relationship really helped me to understand what the relationship was and what it wasn't. I found, and still find, that to be extremely helpful.

[indigo11]

I knew a lot about transference before... didnt make it so it didnt happen though.

[Miri22]

This is a really interesting thread. I wonder if there is a difference between knowledge about transference and previous experience plus knowledge of transference.

I am currently experiencing (and working hard to resolve) a very, very intense transference. I had experienced it before in my life but did not know what it was. Now that I am in therapy for my transference, I know more. This transference (not towards T) has been so intense and at times so painful, that if I felt it happening again with someone else I would do everything in my power to avoid it. In other words, I am wondering if having felt it so intensely and also having knowledge about it would help prevent it. I don't have an answer, but I hope that is the case. I can't go through this again.

[Partless]

I think that not everybody believes in transference but of the ones that believe, think that there is no way to prevent it and have good therapy; in fact they think it necessary and good and a sign of going deeper into therapy. Or to put it another way, the only way you can actually prevent it is by not engaging in therapy and remain very guarded and distant. Transference comes to play once you open up a bit and the relation between patient and T develops.

[Permacultural]

So therapists experience counter-transference, even though they are aware of it ahead of time. I think emotions as they are experienced are inherently pre-cognitive.

Originally Posted by Partless

I think that not everybody believes in transference but of the ones that believe, think that there is no way to prevent it and have good therapy; in fact they think it necessary and good and a sign of going deeper into therapy. Or to put it another way, the only way you can actually prevent it is by not engaging in therapy and remain very guarded and distant. Transference comes to play once you open up a bit and the relation between patient and T develops.

I'd have to disagree with this. I had VERY good therapy, was highly engaged, and did very deep work, but transference never entered into the picture.

As to the OP's question, I went into therapy knowing pretty much nothing about therapy. I wasn't even looking to get into therapy but rather suddenly found myself there. Transference, though, just never entered in really. I haven't had therapists who even mentioned it or attachment or anything along that line.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

In my opinion no matter how much you know about transference it will happen.

I also have very good therapy from my therapist (she has changed my life) and I have strong intense transference. She helps me through these feelings and accepts them.

[Partless]

lolagrace, depends on what you mean by it.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...e-transference

Transference isn't just intense feelings of love for a T.
Here's an eg, T was asking me a question the other day and as I was busy packaging my answer, I then blurted out "you're trying to trap me". T said, "no I'm not in simply asking how you felt ". It was then I realised it was a through back to my mother, she was always trapping me, baiting get questions.
Earlier in Therapy, T would have pointed that out to me with something s "that's how your mother used questions to trap you". But I can catch myself now more when it happens.
So no, have an intellectual understanding doesn't prevent it. Because most people really don't have a true understanding, only a fear based misinformation on what transference might look like.
Ams anyways, I'm hapoy it happens. It's through it that change ams healing happens.

I think transference can happen, but isn't imperative for good therapy to occur.
Arming yourself with an awareness of transference won't prevent it, in fact I think there's a greater chance of denial if you feel you already know all about it. Feelings have a way of creeping up on you and biting you in the backside.
My first T thought he knew it all, but was blind to the obvious countertransference that went on.
Also, transference doesn't always hurt, it depends on the individual, the relationship and the therapist's skill in handling it.

I had a painful attachment for my first T, the therapy relationship also didn't feel right and I felt quite rejected and judged within it, but perhaps always hoped to be accepted and cared for. I have sometimes wondered if it was the unmet hopes that made me feel a painful love. I seem to feel a bit more like you with my new T who I've been seeing for about 9 months, my new T is very steady and accepting, she doesn't say anything that is rejecting to me. I too have been wondering why I don't feel such a deep love. I've been wondering if it is because it is a lot more secure a relationship? I've also been thinking that with time it may come. (I still do have insecure feelings come up, but I can see that these relate more to my childhood than to her).

[AnaWhitney]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

I had a painful attachment for my first T, the therapy relationship also didn't feel right and I felt quite rejected and judged within it, but perhaps always hoped to be accepted and cared for. I have sometimes wondered if it was the unmet hopes that made me feel a painful love. I seem to feel a bit more like you with my new T who I've been seeing for about 9 months, my new T is very steady and accepting, she doesn't say anything that is rejecting to me. I too have been wondering why I don't feel such a deep love. I've been wondering if it is because it is a lot more secure a relationship? I've also been thinking that with time it may come. (I still do have insecure feelings come up, but I can see that these relate more to my childhood than to her).

Yes, this is it! Like if I was to choose between the 2 I would definitely pick current T. The school counsellor really did nothing for me at all so it just doesn't make sense. She had to see me a few times for my bad behaviour and suggested I start seeing her weekly. I told her a few facts about my life but never anything deep or meaningful. Sometimes I would go for my appointment and she would just not open the door. She had a habit of running way over so once I'd waited around a bit I'd go back to class or I'd be in trouble with who ever caught me lurking in the corridor. After these awkward moments I would just forget about it and not go near the counsellor again and she never sought me out until she had to see me again as part of the school's discipline policy.
It just doesn't make sense that I would love somebody like this. She was pretty shockingly bad in fairness! I suppose it could have something to do with the fact that I was so much younger then, and although it was very hard to have access to her (even though she was the one who kept suggesting weekly appointments and then just wouldn't open the door!!) on the occasions I actually did get to see her, I really liked her, but it was painful.
So when my T has been nothing but reliable, always opens the door, schedules half an hour to an hour between appointments and gives me hour and a half long sessions consistently, does not encourage me to become dependant on her only to abandon me like the school counsellor, remembers pretty much everything I ever said and deals with me patiently like some kind of saint, I think I am a bit frustrated with myself for not being in love with her, like I must not fully appreciate how great she is or something

[iheartjacques]

Not really for me. Looking it up on here. I still want to say I am just plain attracted to my T, from the moment I saw him in the office before he called my name and I knew he would be my new T.

[SkyscraperMeow]

Reading this forum will give you an extremely skewed vision of what therapy is and how it works. I read here a lot when I started and I was worried about a whole bunch of stuff, like serious transference issues or pain etc.

But really, whether you experience these things or not depends way more on you and your therapist than anything that happens in this forum. I don't think most of of the experiences here are remotely typical. That's not to say they're not valid, but they're at the extreme end of the spectrum.

In fact, I actually think that's the role this forum plays. It caters almost exclusively to people with extreme experiences (and sometimes, pretty serious pre-existing conditions which bought them to therapy in the first place), which is why you read a lot about abandonment, intense transference, wildly unethical therapist actions, people staying with what are obviously really terrible therapists...

In the wider world of therapy, most of these things aren't concerns. Most people won't fall in love with a therapist. Most people won't be abandoned by their therapist. Most people will experience transference in mild, therapeutic ways, which are managed by the therapist.

It can be immensely painful and damaging when therapy goes wrong, but if you trust your therapist and click with them, odds are everything is going to be just fine, transference or not.

I'm sure I have all sorts of little transferences, but they're fairly benign. I trust my therapist, I like him, he's good at his job and I don't have any super strong feelings which aren't appropriate for the relationship. That doesn't mean therapy is always easy, or that I'll never be annoyed by him, but it means that it's possible to have a stable, healthy, intact relationship with a therapist without things going wildly awry - and that's actually way more likely than the horror stories which dominate this forum.