Did my T forget?

I made the woman quit using the word promise as every time she said it - she did exactly the opposite within 2 weeks. I told her she obviously did not know what the word meant and to stop using it until she looked it up and could use it correctly.
Shortly thereafter - I got her to agree to not talk at all.
I think telling the therapist how they screwed up is useful.

As unaluna's official translator, I think what she's saying is that an additional problem is the client's reaction to the therapist not fulfilling the promise. And that this is a problem because many people don't fulfill such a promise - they either forget or hate feeling constrained by such a promise.

You say she travels to far off places.

When I personally go to far off place, I come home and crash, being exhausted from the travel. And then there is different things to worry about, like adjusting to the gray world again and unpacking and scrapping the travel filth of yourself... it's often a mini culture shock.

And "work" is the last thing one wants to think about. Sure she cares about you and you are not "just" work, but you are part of the work world for her. Vacations are get aways, often even from your family and friends. Many people need that.

More like a controlled experiment in the lab. Using a crash test dummy. Okay not exactly. But yeah. I keep picturing my t looking a little sheepish when he did it.

I can see why you - sd - wouldnt like this ploy; you think all your parts are excellent, and rightly so. Otoh, i disavow many of my parts, and if my t can shake off a foolish part using this method, i say go for it.

Parn me but i cant resist - youre fired!

Good. The pressure was getting to me.

Lets run for president instead!

- and now back to your regularly scheduled thread!

Ugh. I'm sorry she wrote such a disappointing reply. As I see it, there are two parts of it to sort through with her:

1) Your feelings about her being gone and waiting for the reply you expected from her (based on her promise) and then not getting it.

2) Whether or not she intended to send you the usual email after a long break, prior to your appt, or whether she had intended a special "I'm back" email as a way to ease your fears and concern about her absence/travels.

The answer to #2 is going to worsen or ease your feelings regarding #1. If she never intended to do more than the usual email after a long break, then this was a miscommunication and not out right forgetting. If, on the other hand, she had intended to do what you thought, then she did forget and that would complicate your feelings.

And, as I've dabbled (and gotten lost) in unaluna speak for some time, I think what she's saying is that after you get the facts sorted out, the rest of the conversation is about coming to terms with all the ways other people disappoint us, because they will. I would hate to think that your therapist did that on purpose as a therapy lesson (and from what you've shared about her, I don't think she did).

Not only a great post, but a much better translation of unaluna-speak than mine.

I do think if it's really bothering you, you should say something, rainbow, however guilty you feel.

I'm with stopdog. Whether or not it's a reasonable thing to expect someone to just write to you after they came back from a trip isn't really relevant, to me... the point is that the T offered to do something, and then didn't do it. No matter how small or forgivable the thing may be, I think it's fair of rainbow to expect her T to do what she says she's going to do.

Rainbow, I know the trapped feeling of guilt in "making" T feel bad about something, but really, why did she offer if she wasn't going to do it? Even if you had asked and she had said yes, I would *still* say it then becomes her obligation to do it. If she thinks she can't, she should either say "maybe" or "no". It's not that hard. Or if she just messed up, just own it and say sorry -- especially if it was just "I was so tired, I completely forgot, I'm sorry about that." Not really a big deal. (I'm not saying your feelings aren't a big deal, I'm saying this shouldn't be more than your T can handle.)

I'm glad you're writing here instead of trying to settle it with her now. I think that's the way to go. Sorry you have to sit with it until you can actually hash it out with her.

Your feelings are your feelings and not "wrong" I do hope that you can both discuss your anger at her absence and at her forgetting. Both of these are normal human things that happen, of course T amplifies is, but you deserve to find peace and not be so upset at these minor issues.

You feel the way you feel and feelings Are neither right nor wrong.
However I think that unless you and your T specified the timing of her reply, in her eyes this may fulfill her promise and so you will need to bring up that you feel it did not.
My T and I do not always agree on what is meant by things like "when you get back". To my T "when she gets back " means the first working day ie "when she gets back to being a T"
We've had to discuss these kinds of things.
I've found I.need to articulate very very specifically what I need ( and if course she can then say if she can do it or not or you can compromise) . if I need to.hear from her the actual day she gets back.in the country or whatever I need to very specifically state that.

So just be prepared for your T to be confused as she may feel she did exactly as you asked.

This therapist knows OP - and knows about the stresses and worries OP has. And offered - this was not in response to OP's request. I do think that being very specific about these sorts of things can be useful.

Even if my T who knows me very well offers something like "I'll send you a pic from my vacation" we have to discuss the expectations. For example does she mean while she is away ( what I'd expect) or on the way home ( which would disappoint me). a pic of something that makes her think.of me?,a random beach pic?
I think there is a lot to he gained from clarifying expectations. It helps prevent hurt feelings and provides I sight into your deeper needs

I wonder if "when she is back" meant same day or next day for you, but meant "when I am back to work" for her? Was the time frame discussed? Could be misunderstanding? I hope she didn't mess up on purpose as to foster your total dependence on her. That would be evil. I'd probably bring it up with her to discuss Either/both her lack of promptly response or intensity of your emotions.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Whats missing are 2 things -
1. That the client gets this wonderful chance to work on this issue held in a safe and caring space (yes sickly sweet but my inner child loves it)
2. I dont like to be the mad person on the phone going, why havent you called me, or having to answer that question. Why cant we both just be glad we are talking now? "So good to hear from you!" You KNOW im crazy - if things were good, i woulda called before now

So not saying that "people" are always gonna disappoint you - but yeah pretty sure i will. Not too dependable - working on t filling up my dependable bucket so i have some to give back.

Thanks for understanding, Gavinandnikki.

Thank you!
You asked if I was angry beforehand. You probably didn't read my thread about being triggered because of my T's vacation. I'm more sad than angry, I think. Disappointed. I'm not sure what the feelings are about not wanting her to have sex with her boyfriend. I will discuss that tomorrow because it's about me, not her, and it's upsetting to me.

Yes, I want the hugs! Thanks. I am holding it inside, not emailing her, which is a first for me!! Any other time in the past if I had strong feelings about something, I would not be able to wait for the session. I will tell it all to her in person, which scares me.

I'm sorry, Petra. That sounds like an awful experience! Did you ever tell him how you felt?

Yes, my H and I did report in if we went somewhere far? My Mom would always have us "ring the phone once" when we got home (so we wouldn't have to pay for the call) so she wouldn't worry! And this was when we were married) I get my worry gene from my mother.

Maybe that's a good idea. After all, T IS just living her life, and I have no business wanting so much from her. Except I didn't ask this time. She offered!

Like I said, she had all Sunday to recuperate, but maybe she got home late Saturday night, and maybe she had things come up. I know, but it still hurts me.

I'm going to talk about it with her tomorrow. I didn't ask her to email me. She offered to let me know when she got back.

Thank you, Breadfish.

Thank you for understanding, sd. I do feel that my T simply forgot, but she KNOWS how I feel about her going away, especially since we talked about what happens if she dies. How could she forget? Unless her schedule got changed and she got home Sunday, not Saturday.

Thanks. I will find out tomorrow. I want to trust her because she's such a caring person. I can't believe she forgot, but she has forgotten information sometimes, and apologizes when she does.

I sort of get what you're saying.

Right!

That's a good point. I overreact to disappointment.

Thanks, sd.

I will see what she says. I agree she shouldn't make promises to me.

You're so funny, sd. Maybe I should go in tomorrow, sit down, and the first words out of my mouth should be "you screwed up!" Maybe she'll come in with a cast and a good reason for not emailing, ha ha. If I do say, "you screwed up" I'll probably start laughing instead of being angry. I know you're not trying to be funny, or maybe you are. One never knows with stopdog.

Sounds reasonable. I get disappointed by people in my real life often.

Very true. She probably had bills to pay. Yeah, I'm just part of her work world. That's kind of depressing but true.

What?

LOL!!!

My T would never do anything mean as a "therapy lesson". That I know for sure. Yes, I will talk about it with her tomorrow. Thanks for your comments on how to interpret what she tells me.

I always tell my T when something about her bothers me. Too much so.

Thanks, Sally. I think it's true she just "messed up" and will apologize. She probably didn't remember telling me she would let me know when she got back. I'm proud of myself that I'm waiting to see her in person instead of sending a rude email back about how she failed me.

Thank you. I have a lot to discuss tomorrow....

I will remember what you are saying. She did email me this morning so maybe she did think she did what she said she'd do.

I will keep that in mind.

True.

T would never, ever mess up on purpose! She's emailed me she's back other times, or at least one other time, and it was on the weekend.

When I'm at my session tomorrow I probably will be so glad to see her that her not emailing right away won't seem so important. But I still have many feelings about her and "that guy"!!!

Personally, I think she should feel guilty. She said she'd do something and she did not do it. No brainer.

Rainbow....oh boy, I sure hope you fill us in on how your session goes today! It does amaze me how if something bothers you, even HER being with HIM, that you talk to her about it. That shows strength...and concern about your concerns. You're right, maybe once you get in there and see her, the thoughts of the lack of Email with dissipate, but I do hope you calmly bring it up, because it has bothered you. She can learn to watch her promises a bit more as so not to leave you hanging and disappointed.

I understand your frustration..I would feel the same way.

Something similar happened in the past with T. Then I found out near the end of her vacation she started to feel sick. Then flying across the ocean made her really sick. She spent a couple of days in bed.

Also is it possible that her flight was delayed? I don't know where you live but a friend of mine just posted on facebook about her son whose plane was delayed over night.

I go through the same thing! Hope she gets to you soon

I once get mad at my T because she forgot to text me during vacation . turned out her stepdaughter was just admitted for emergency appendectomy while they were traveling

She got back late Sunday and not Saturday! She said that she didn't make the plans! She said she's sorry, anyway. We sort of decided if I want to know if she's back, I can email and she'll answer.

She held my hand, we did IFS, and she thinks I'm progressing in taking care of the part who didn't want her to be with that guy.Oh, she told me his first name but he's still that guy to me. I'm still in her building. I'll write more later. Was a good session.