Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

Dear T

I miss you! I wish I was seeing you tomorrow....

Red xxx

Dear MC,
Productive session today, though I kinda wish I could have talked about the stuff with T and p-doc a little more, since T is out this week. But I know, you've spent an awful lot of time focused on me outside of session the past few weeks, so you're probably just trying to make sure the focus stays on H and I, not just me. Though I'm a bit curious as to what you thought of the whole bipolar II possibility.

And boo to you being out of town next week. That's like 2 weeks off within a month--OK, the first one was work-related, and this one is taking your daughter to see colleges, but still, I'm kinda selfishly sad about it. But you were in town and very responsive during the week that I really needed you, and that means so much more to me than not being able to see you next week.

Though really, part of what's hard to me about you being away is that I feel like I couldn't contact you if I wanted/needed to. Like, I wouldn't want to bother you. Even if I don't have reason to reach out, it's just good knowing you're there if needed...

Though I think I've managed to internalize now that you really care about me, not just as a client, but as a person. So I'll leave you to your family time, and If I feel like I need you, I could always listen to your voicemail again from a few weeks ago or just picture you telling me that it's OK.
Love,
LT

MC,
Me again. It occurred to me that maybe part of why I got weepy in the car wasn't just about you going out of town. Maybe it's partly because you're going on that trip with your daughter, and I may still have a little bit of paternal transference going on...because really, the stuff over the past few weeks, I worried about you being angry or disgusted with me, whether you'd still accept me. And I wanted you to comfort me and advise me on what to do. That all seems kinda paternal...hmm...

Dear B.

Transference sucks. I think about you so much, but it isn't really you, it's the illusion of the perfect human. You get me, you listen, you think I'm funny, you worry about me...all my needs wrapped up in you. There are days that I wish you weren't ethical because I want to touch your face, I want to nuzzle myself into the crook of your neck. I want you to wrap me up in your world, to touch me, to whisper my name and tell me how important I am in your life, that my existence matters to you in the most intimate way.

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Well ha t! Now I'm not cancelling cuz next week i have to go t h's dr w him, so won't be able to come. Glad i hadn't said anything to u yet.

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I know people don't generally respond to these, but just wanted to say that I get it. Transference can be really tough, including the longing for physical contact and to be closer. I've experienced both maternal/paternal (for T and for marriage counselor) and erotic (MC) transference. At times it was really painful, but I feel like I've learned quite a bit about myself through it (helps that MC--and T to some extent--was understanding and helped me work through it). I see you've only posted a couple times. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more about it.

Dear T,
Thank you for spending so much extra time with me today, and for high fiving me, and for saying you'd make me a playlist, and for just being your awesome self. I'm slightly annoyed that you want me to do an intensive outpatient program, but I'm glad you didn't hospitalize me again. I love you.

Dear ex-T . . .

I think about you a lot and I wish I had the nerve to return to therapy. You said I could continue with you and that there was a spot open for me, but I don't know if there was a time limit. It's been 5 months since I last saw you and I still have conversations with you all the time.

Sometimes I wish I was more open in therapy, I often said things that were safer for me to admit rather than the complete unadulterated truth.

Hey Sparky-
The phone call will keep me going through this nightmare at least a few days more. Your words mean the world to me . Some were much deeper than expected so thank you. They are my life raft right now.

Dear T,

Why do you criticize me so much lately? What happened to "all parts welcome"? I'm afraid to discuss my email with you! What if something really is wrong with you, which I doubt. I only emailed you once, and you emailed that short reply back. Aren't you going to remind me that we're starting half an hour late tomorrow? I don't feel like giving you any report tomorrow. I've been kind of depressed. Life is too hard for me.

MC,
Apparently, the stuff that happened the past month flipped some switch in you. You used to take anywhere from a day to a week or more to respond to my e-mails, texts, or voice mails (and you often didn't respond to e-mails). But in the past month, it's been lightning fast. I figured that was because they were more urgent/crisis messages, and now that I'm not really in that crisis place anymore, you'd resume your usual response time. So when I sent you that long, rambling e-mail about transference late last night, I figured I wouldn't get a response till tomorrow at the earliest. But you wrote back at 7:45 this morning, and a pretty long, thought-out response, too! You rock!
--LT

I can't wait to see you tomorrow. Seriously. The way I feel about you is changing so much. It's weird but you inspire some kind of joy in me. Thinking about you is warm and I am attached but I'm happy for you and the rest of your life. The 99.9% I'm not part of. It feels right.

Why can't it be thursday!

t,

im taking prns like its my job ok. i texted u late last night about the voices telling me over and over again that youre going to me..in graphic detail. after i sent that i feel so embarrassed about it. you responded early this morning and said u were so sorry and it sounds horrible, etc. at least ur still talking to me. afraid youre mad that something in my brain is telling me this...maybe u think i truly believe it. well i dont honestly, i know pretty sure its not going to happen ok. i am greatly disturbed by it however!! do u know how it feels to wake up to voices talking to you?? no one in the room, just ur cat, but these men saying get up and cut urself *****!!!!! i mean, hello good morning to you too asshat. oh man T i am so over this... please let them go away soon. i cant take much more of this

me

T.. I don't know if I can go through with this anymore. I don't think I can handle letting myself wish I was not alone. I have kept it away for so long and it is trying to overtake me and the is nobody to reach out to in my life. I know you can be contacted "in case of emergency" buy that is panic attacks and stuff but being completely alone isn't an emergency to anybody but me and I'm afraid is only going to get worse if we keep going.

I don't know what to do, I don't want to feel this

I'm splitting apart into a thousand little pieces. It's impossible to put back together, there isn't any more reasons to try.

Well, I chickened out of saying that I feel like I love you, but I still talked to you about how happy I am with our relationship and that seemed like enough. You were you, as usual, and that's how I like it.

Why did I send you such a stupid email asking such a stupid question???????

I'm an idiot

I know we're not supposed to respond on here...bay brony, you're not an idiot. Sometimes everyone does "stupid" things but it doesn't mean all of oneself is stupid. You are a very insightful person, I gather that just from reading your posts to others on the psychotherapy forum.

Dear T,

Screw you.....

Please still treat me the same tomorrow even though I've been a needy insecure mess who doesn't know what to do with myself.

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Dear T

Don't be nice to me. Stop it!!! I'm horrible.

Dear t to be,

Call me.............

Thank you. I appreciate that. I just wrote my T an email asking a question about something she did quite a while ago that bothered me and just won't stop bothering me. Its a dumb thing, and embarrassing but I can't just let it go.it keeps coming up.and getting in the way of stuff. But the moment I hit "send" i was like "what the #$%& did I just do?????"
The question reveals a vulnerability in me I wish I had not revealed plus its possible that the answer is something I won't want to hear.
And if course being a T she won't be in any hurry to answer it while I'm sitting around feeling nauseous.
Ugh.