Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

T,
I am not sure how our session will be on Saturday. I've had a weird week. Work has been ok, but I have felt so empty, nothingness, I am not sure? all week at home. I reach the end of the internet in about 10 minutes, and then don't know what to do with myself. Again, this "boredom" thing, ANNOYING. Tonight, I laid in bed for two hours, and dozed on and off...then decided I might as well drink a little. I feel nothing, don't want to do anything...it is strange, and not like I am completely depressed, just...empty.

Don't forget me tonight, please?

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I like it when you are soft and gentle and cautious. I feel you care.

Dear T,

They told me you are sick. Flu or something. Now I am worried about you. If you would let me, I would come to your house and take care of you.

Thanks for letting me talk about my anxiety like we did yesterday. I've never been able to do that before. Not with ex-T, either. At least, not that easily. Maybe, too, it was that I didn't feel it as deeply as I do now. Now that I'm not on the meds anymore. I think it's good that I have to process these issues rather than medicate them away. It's hard. I do want to "quit" at times. Other times, like now, I want to keep forging ahead.
I'm just thankful that I feel OK enough (never comfortable!) to tell you what I'm going through.

You did forget last night. However, thank you for letting me in on everything going on with you right now. Understandable. I still feel cared for and welcomed.

Today's session was not that great. It started alright, but when we got to that other subject. I don't know. I just don't agree with you. I know I'm not being rational. But about that one thing I don't agree.
I've thought about your suggesting. I was planning too write it down in a letter. But when I got home today, I read that email my mum send you. And I was perplexed. Some things she wrote to you... I don't understand it. It just not right. She wrote I'm claiming her. I'm not. I'm getting more independent. Slowly. Very slowly. But I don't need her to come to appointments anymore. I can do that myself. I can do the groceries. I can go to therapy by myself. She's the one who asks me to to do things. She asks me to go shopping togethher, to go to a concert, to take part in a run...etc.
And about my brother. She wrote that he wants to try to get closer (or something) but my mum says that I close myself of to it.
WTF?! For years and years I've tried to get some kind of sister/brother band. For some years I've been organising a Christmas diner. But he's the one who never shows up. I've asked him several times if he wants to go to the film with me/us. I've also asked him for some other things, but there isn't that much because he doesn't like a lot. But everytime I got a no. I've given him presents for Christmas and his birthday, eventough I didn't get anything from him. I have tried! I've tried for years. Last summer I had enough. I stopped trying.
He hasn't ask me for anything. So what I got a birthday card. That's all I got. And once again he wasn't at our Christmas diner.

I'm the one who's driving our family apart? I wasn't the one. They should know that! He started many years ago with that. He didn't want to eat in the same room as us. He didn't do presents. He didn't want to do things with us.
If I wouldn't organise a Christmas diner every year, the three of us won't even have one diner together at the same table.

And I don't want anyone coming to a session with me. You are my T. I'm not going to share you. They can get their own T.

But at the end of today's session, I felt some anger towards you. And doubt.

So much going on. You're leaving. I get a new T. School and exams. Pdoc. Family. And then my on-going anxiety and depression.

If you look at all that, is it so suprising I snapped? It should be more suprising I went on for so long without doing something like that.

You can't let yourself too close to me, so after a strong connection happens during a session you always back away. The thing is, you're already too close. I'm already too close. Why does it matter? Why do you shut me out that way? You're so consistent with everything including this pattern, so at least I always know. I know how long it will last, I know everything between us is fine. I just wish that you wouldn't pull away, at all - even if it is just for a little bit. I miss you.

I really want to have one session where I can cry and get these emotions out and you will hold me and then we can color in our adult coloring books. Actually a whole day like that would be better but I will take an hour of that.

Thank you for being there for me. You are a blessing and I love you.

At the end of the session you said that we would see eachother 2 or 3 more times.
It's so close. You've only 3 more weeks on your job. And then you're free for a long long time. And I'm without any support. Yes, I've new T. But I've to start all over again. She doesn't know me. She doesn't know everything that has happen and what I'm working on. This is going to set things back, or at least on hold. I don't want to stay like this.

And in 4 weeks I have my last appointment with Pdoc. Unless he decides differently, after what has happened. But why would he. It's easier to just give me back to my docter. Let him deal with any wrong use of meds I might do in the future. Pdoc has done his job. I've meds. I don't think there's one out there that can do more for me.

I've to say goodbye to you and to him, only a week apart.

Hi Pdoc,

what went through your mind when you heard what I had done? I don't know what my mum has said to you. I wish she hadn't called you. Not because I want to keep it from you, but I'd rather told you myself.

I wasn't really present when my mum called T and then you. I'm an adult. She shouldn't call my T or you. My parents had their chance. They could have involved themself in my therapy when I was a teenager. All those T's and therapy didn't help. So now I'll do it. On my own. I talk to my t and you. I decide what I want to tell. I decide what kind of therapy I want to try. They shouldn't call either of you without my permission. And neither of you should talk to them if you didn't ask me first if it's ok. That are the rules, right? You can't talk to anyone about me and my therapy without my consent.
I should make this clear to my parents too. They should treat me as an adult, I'm not a teenager anymore. I don't want them to do things for me.

You seem like you really care. When I told you everything that had been happening, and you were asking questions related to my safety and finding a space to relax, it seemed like you really cared about my sanity and safety. Thank you.

Dear T,

I think you would disapprove of me writing my thoughts to you on this message board. Might think I'm really out there....I have a suspicion too that you might be lying to me about this sudden "vacation" because maybe I freaked you out at our last appointment well what can I say though? I'm really messed up. That's why I come to therapy. That's your job, not mine.

I've come a long way, T. With ex-T I used to worry all the time that my mental issues would be too much for him. I worked so freaking hard just to try and protect him from myself. How laughable! It was his job to treat me and I had no responsibility to make his life easy by being the "good client" instead of just being me. I see that now. Thank God.

So if I scared you off, well, good riddance

Dear MC,
Pretty sure today was the first time you've seen me have a full-blown panic attack in front of you (though it's happened in front of T many times, and I've been panicking before while on the phone with you). I wanted to just run screaming from the room today. When you suggested the three of us walk outside in the courtyard instead of just me stepping out for a bit, I was unsure. But walking around with you (and H) really helped. I think walking and not looking directly at you or H helped me be able to talk about some stuff. It ended up being a pretty productive session, and I was calm by the last third of it.

And thanks for responding to my e-mail tonight when I suggested that maybe my e-mail about transference two weeks ago before your vacation may have been part of why I was so anxious with you today (even though you responded positively to that). I know it was a brief response tonight, but it showed me you were reading and that you care.

I have to wonder if part of the panic was also from not seeing you for like 2.5 weeks, which is the longest I've gone without seeing you in quite a while, and then being kind of overwhelmed with my feelings upon seeing you. Like I just wanted to hug you or something (but was OK with the usual handshake). I wanted to be like, "I missed you so much!" but I couldn't say that. I wanted to ask how the trip with your daughter had gone, but I couldn't. Certainly not after that whole paternal transference e-mail. I wanted to ask why you'd had to cancel Monday, but I didn't want to pry.

I think really, I was just overwhelmed with so many emotions, plus the stresses of the past few weeks--most of which we talked about, but not all--and my feeling bad for saying certain things about H, and wanting to say things to you--and just be there with you--was just all too much for me today. Thanks for keeping me from running out of there, though. Or, maybe more accurately, thanks for running out of there with me (and H, too).

It would be nice if we could do some more appointments in the courtyard like that--glad you said we could do so in the future (why did you never suggest that before?). It felt more like we were just people talking than necessarily T and clients. It was kind of funny though how at first it was like you and I were walking together and H was separate, just because you and I are like a foot shorter than H, so our strides were different from his. It's like we were in sync. But then you said H and I should walk together (which made H have to make awkward steps), while you went ahead. Which made sense. But it would have been nice if we all three could have walked together (with me in the middle, of course...)

But, yeah, thanks for today, the session and the e-mail, and hope we get to have our regular session Monday.
Love,
LT

I know when people are placating me and I know when people are insulting me. I do not let on. I let them believe they have fooled me because it's easier that way. There is just one problem, there is always a limit as to how much one can take.

T, I hope i can get this sense of weirdness that i've felt all week across to you tomorrow. I don't want to feel like this anymore, but just don't know how else to feel, you know? Help.

see you in 12.5 or so hours and no i'm not looking forward to it in the least why do you ask?

Dear T, I'm just not opening up enough and I wish you noticed.

I am feeling negative about therapy, negative about you, and it all feels really sad at the moment. Not sure whether you can help me.

T,

You totally called me out today when I said I'm not eating bc I'm sick..and you said that you know it's not just that and that you know I secretly like not eating. I'm glad u did though...you wanted to take me to the bakery but I said no and I thought u were frustrated. All that stuff u said makes sense to me but I do I accept it and stop doing this?? I know it's awful for me and I'll end up dying ..so wtf? ? Why are eating disorders so invasive and powerful....

I'm going to try harder T

Me

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I wish you had been straight with me long ago. I wish you never met certain people. You had no right!!!

Thanks for 'getting it' that I wasn't up for energy work today. Next time, okay?

Dear T,
I think this is the longest I've gone without seeing you in person since I started seeing you. Even when you were on vacation, and when I was in the hospital, those times were shorter than now while I'm doing the partial hospitalization program. I really miss you. I'm super grateful though that you've been speaking to me on the phone. That helps so much. But I also just want to see you in person again. I can't wait until I can.

I'm going on vacation. Something tells me you won't miss me.

You are back in a couple of days. I hope I'm brave enough to tell you how mad I feel at you. Part of me doesn't want to talk to you at all, but I know in the end that wouldn't be helpful. We will see. I don't believe in playing games so I will see you this week and hopefully I can start feeling better and not feel so tortured by everything.