Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

T,

I felt really really hurt and rejected. I know you said you wasn't rejecting me but all this feels like rejection.

You're doing what so many posters here experience with their T - taking things away because you feel you have to "wean me off" at this pace you have in your mind.

Dear T,

So you think I'm hypomanic.

Well I think you are wonderful

Best,

Argo

I don't like being manipulated. That is NOT what therapy is about. I did not come to see you so that you could take my life away from me.

Dear T,

I realized about my relationship with my father. He has been very inconsistent. That whole do what you say and say what you mean expression...it's just not him.

As silly as it is, he told me in hs, after he'd traumatized me in how I was sent to live with my mom. Well, he promised me a pair of sneakers. He never did get them. It remained a hot topic of discussion for many years. Not that my mom wasn't thrilled to have me there, it was everything my father said and did at that point plus the history of the divorce.

He just doesn't mean what he says. He's inconsistent. I don't know why that is.

Me

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I keep watching that video of you on YouTube.

I want to know why? I want to know why you would do this to me? I never hurt you. I was a good person. I never had trouble with anyone and you come along and mess up my entire life. How would YOU feel?? How would anyone feel if a T did to them what you did to me???

I can't believe I missed the reply you sent me on Wednesday! Nice surprise to come across it today. I think you are a poetry person after all

t, i'm glad that you decided it was ok for me to have the photos of thursday's sand tray now instead of with the rest of them in the future. i've been looking at them a lot and really taking in what it means to me. i want to talk about it with you some more. I really should wait 2 weeks. But I feel bad that we already scheduled for this coming week. But this is supposed to be about what I need. And what I need, I think, is, to be with this latest realization and be with my Self and practice needing ME instead of you. Why does this sound hurtful? It is not supposed to be. It is what we have been working for all this time. Isn't it?

Oh also those 2 poets you mentioned the other day, I am reading some of their work and feeling much inspired. Expect to hear a couple new poems later this month.

And oh yeah t! I finally found my "Conscious Spirit" Oracle deck, it's been missing since we moved. Or should I say, it allowed itself to be found when I needed it most. Just pulled a card and it's the Fire Elemental: "I ignite the fire within me that connects me to the Divine." Logging off here to go write.

Dear T,

The words you used hurt me. I expected better of you. Now....I just dont know. I did not think you were like that. Did I misunderstand you? Did I assume things about you?

Dear T

I'm trying to write an email to you. About my feelings/thoughts which I couldn't say in session to you. It's so hard. I've copied pieces from my diary. When I tried to write, I couldn't get the thoughts. So I'll do it this way.
This situation is so hard for me. Why why couldn't you wait another year. Why now.

T

You know, T, sometimes you just want to cut your hair like Rhianna. And by the time you remember you’re not Rhianna, and realize that you actually don’t know how to cut hair…well, it’s too late. And now you’re bald.

These things happen, T.

They happen and it’s okay. Because you know what? Fashion fails don’t cause earthquakes or tsunamis or even moderate drops in the NASDAQ. Bald heads do not offend God. There are seven billion people on this planet and six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred ninety-nine people DO NOT CARE about my hair!

That’s everybody except you, T.

Not to advocate conformity or anything like that, but I think when you find yourself in a minority of one, it might at least be worth considering that you’re, you know, wrong. And that’s okay, too.

You’re okay. I’m okay. We’re all ok, T.

The world glitters in multitude. It is various and vast. It is beautiful beyond my ability to comprehend or articulate. You are beautiful, too. And I don’t want you to worry.

Remember what Bob Ross said—there are no mistakes; only happy accidents.

See you next month,
Argo

How could you go on as if nothing happened?? How could you ignore what you did to me for years?? How could you laugh, date, vacation, etc. knowing full well you ruined an innocent persons life?? How could you possibly think you would get away with it?? because you have friends who will cover for you?? How far will your friends go risking their own careers to lie for you?? I wonder.

So stressed out I have a tremor. Please help!

Dear Pdoc,

What say you?

Me

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You really got me knee deep in the hoopla. I kind of like it. So thanks!

Dear T,

That's the thing. When backed into a corner, I find my way out.

Ich Habe Genug (I've had enough)..not in a depressive sense, but in an I'm getting sick and tired of the rhetoric and behind the scenes additions to the supporting evidence.

How do I assert myself to say come clean with the real agenda...
?

Me

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It didn't stop for 48 years...... I almost can't imagine it. Thanks for being there T. What a difficult time.

Dear T,

Therapy is hard. It gets really exhausting feeling so much and so deeply. I appreciate and love the support you provide. But I'm constantly grieving the fact that you can't just make it all disappear. You can't love me the way I needed to be loved as a little girl. It hurts to hear you talk about your kids and how involved you are with them. I'm sure you're not a perfect father, but at least it seems like you care about what they are interested in and support what they do. What would it have been like if you were my dad when I was 13? What would it have been like to have a parent who was really interested in me? What would it have been like to feel like I mattered?

I miss you. Really really miss you. Even if you can't do anything but sit across from me with your calm spirit. I still miss you.

The only reason you are upset with me is because I know the truth about you. You never know when it could actually "slip" out. Ooops!! Did I do something unethical?? Oh well. I'll just use my psychobabble to dazzle and amaze them with my knowledge. Yes, you have fooled the best of them before but you are no longer fooling me.

Dear T,

I work in a bleeping school KITCHEN!!

My friend does courier work!

Geez uz

Me

Still waiting for a blasted apology

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Do you get your kicks with harassing people online?

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It's great being on my own, but not on my own.

I get the feeling that you wouldn't like being lied to and manipulated, but then, why would you do it to one of your clients? Is that what they teach at the University?