Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

Dear T,

Sometimes you think you're Rhianna. We know how that ended.

Other times, you think you're a carpenter. And so you do lots of things with wood and nails and screws and maybe your vision doesn't come out quite like you thought it would because it turns out you're not a carpenter and have literally zero idea how to use a power saw.

These things happen, T.

They happen, and that's okay. The important thing is that we still have ten fingers. I know what I'm doing, T.

I just wish I could sleep.

T

I'm continuing my search for a T. You think it's better to go to one of your colleges though it's my choice. Maybe it is better, for the reasons you told me. But I'm feeling so unimportant. I'm nothing to you, only work. You won't check your email outside workhours, not even to see if you got an email from me, knowing I'm not doing well. That how you do your job, but I need something more. I need to know my T cares about me and doesn't see me as just a paycheck. I don't need constant out of session contact. I barely have that. Only when things really don't go well. Though I don't even sent you an email during my worst moments, and there were many. I haven't even told you or Pdoc about it.

Most T's I've seen doesn't really appeal to me, only two so far. Maybe one of them could be a fit for me. Maybe. With one of them you can have a free get-to-know appointment. Maybe I should do that.
But if I go to another T, will I go back to you? I don't even know how long you'll be away. I know at least four months. I want you as a T, as long as I need a T. But my anger says I should cut you out of my life. Actually my anger says I should never go to any T again. They're bad for you.

It hurts to know I mean so little to you. Even to you're a good T and you give your attention to me in sessions (as far as I know), I'm just works. Even after a total of more than 3 years of therapy, I don't mean more than your other clients.

Dear T

Just so you know...
Red xx

Dear T

I was googling for therapy and I came across the site of one where I had therapy. This very big agency. There's even a short movie about the therapy. They say it so beautiful. They say they belong to the top and that they're specialised in disorders. I hadn't notice anything of that. It made me feel so bad. I've been treated bad there, only because I was afraid to speak up, though I did a few times. They didn't know how to help me with my social anxiety and they say their T's are specialised in that. I was there 5 days a week for a year and no improvement, in fact I got worse. After a year in therapy with you I was doing better, less anxiety. And I only saw you for that 45 minutes once a week.
Grr!
I don't want a new T! I don't want to go back to that hell again

Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I'm going insane, T.

Is that the sort of thing you want me to talk about? Why didn't you tell me this 5 years ago? Or maybe "the work" I was doing was building up trust? Yes i think you are right I have been doing "the work" just not the way you thought I should do it....I have my own way and it baffles me sometimes too.

mad mad mad
my h this
you that
me this
blah!
i hate everybody!
where's my damn cave when
i
need
it?

well, that was expressive a little.

I want a cave too

Dear t,

Dont leaveeeee......

Me

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

Dear T...

I want to tell you about it, but it's just so hard to get the words out. I've even tried to say it out loud when I'm alone and I just can't. I'm sorry. Thank you for your never ending patience with me and my fears. Sometimes I think I don't deserve such a good T.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Dear T,
I don't know how I'm going to act tomorrow. A part of me wants to pout and give you the silent treatment. Part of me wants to yell at you and swear and tell you off. Part of me wants to love you and pretend like nothing happened. And part of me wants to be mature and talk it out and fix things. I don't know what I'll be able to do tomorrow, or what I'll feel like doing, but I hope that whatever happens, things end up okay.

This is huge and I will need you. I know you will be there and help me. Im scared. I have wanted this for so long and I have so many mixed emotions about it.

Dear T,
I'm still slightly mad at you for making me reveal those thoughts to my support system, but thank you for not forcing me to go to the hospital. You will be so proud to hear what I've done since. You might even call it a breakthrough. See you in three weeks.

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

T,

You have loving family, I'm so envious.

I'm just a lousy job to you. A needy and difficult patient. I hate me. You only put on a caring role in session. You're fake. You're pretending. Truth is you hate me.

I've been thinking about cancelling my appointment. And not rescheduling. The changes that you are making & the statements you've made are hitting me pretty hard. I'm feeling more alone than ever. IDK what I'll do without you. It feels like the changes you're making are leading towards termination fairly soon. I guess cancelling will be my version of a pre-emptive strike. I've been crying so much.

Dear T

Are you at work now? You should be, unless you are sick. Have you read it? Have you seen it? I know I'm not important enough to read my email outside worktime. It hurts. You should know how hard this is for me. And I get you need to have boundaries. But you just don't really care about me. You know I have no one to talk to about this. I'm all alone.

I don't want to see any kind of therapist again. I want to quit with that. Not having professional support won't help me, but T's do a lot of harm too, intensional or not.

Dear Pdoc

I'm seeing you this afternoon. It has been 6 weeks since the last appt. I'm a bit nervous. I always act like a stupid teenage girl when I'm with you. I hate it. Why can't I just act normal, just be myself (not that I'm normal, I'm a bit weird).
It has been a little over a year since I first met you. And I've been having feelings for you for about a year now. It wasn't like *pats boem*. “I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.” (The Fault In Our Stars). These feelings haven't go away or become less since.
I'm tired

I thought this website was good to vent but I see they have incorporated more advertising by putting the ad in the middle of threads. Really? How greedy can you get? Don't you think the drug ads are enough already?

I'm in agreement 100%!

Dear T

Thank you for sending a reply back, even though it's very short. You appreciate my honesty. But does this make you think differently about me? Do you think I'm difficult? I must be one of your most difficult clients, if not the most. Because of my attachment and jealousy of other clients. But this ''attachment'' is because you're the only good T I've had in 10 years of therapy. You've been the only one who understood me and who was able to help me. I'm so scared to try a new T. It can only be less than you (unless she is you but she would give hugs, then it would just be a little bit better).
And even though I'm mad at you and I don't want to see you, I actually still like you. I just don't like that you had to become *that* this year. And I've only two months left with you

Hm, I'm not seeing that on my end...

I use the Tapatalk mobile app. No ads on it.

I liked that voice.

Thanks

Probably gonna open a can of worms this week. I think it'll be good in the long run though. Baring my deepest shame is not my idea of fun, though.