Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

Dear uni therapist,

I'm seeing you in five and a half hours, and I know we are going to have to talk about that email I sent you where I said that I love you but don't trust you.

I feel like I might cry in front of you for the very first time, and I really don't want to.

So good to finally see you again. Thank you for being so supportive.

T, this is what comes back everytime. I don't have prove that it might be different.

Hello T,

I'm home again. I'm crying. We talked a bit about the email, but only about my anxiety for a new therapist.
You didn't mentioned anything about my anger towards you, my anger about how/when you told me your stupid news, me feeling like **** while you're happy at home with your boyfriend and daughter, me not wanting to see you, me not able to be looking at you, me feeling abbandoned by you, about T's not caring about their clients, we clients are just a job for T's, about that I didn't choose to be left by you after a year of therapy and having to go to a new T, that I think it's so unfair.
Why didn't you said anything about that? I was afraid to start about it. It was already hard enough to write it in an email to you, to let you know about these feeling. We had already talked about my anxiety for a new T. That's the less hardest topic to talk about. It are the other things I wrote that I was afraid about to share with you.

Now I'm at home crying. I'm feeling so anxious and lonely. I just hate this situation. I didn't choose this when I asked you to be my T again This is so unfair. It doesn't really bother you, because I'm just your job. You try to do your job right, but still, I'm only a job to you. That's why I'm feeling terrible. And you, at the end of the day you go home to your happy life.

I feel anger, but when I'm in session I'm so afraid to express that.

I don't know what to do. I really don't. All I want is to hear you say you care about me, offer me a hug, send me a check-in email. But you won't do that. Because you're the T and I'm just one of many clients.

I'm at loss.

Dear T,
Yesterday I heard you swear for the first time. You said "Oh, *****!" and it was awesome.

Did I just cancel an appointment with you? Voluntarily?

Dear T,

Stop being so kind, understanding, and patient with me!!! You always say exactly what I need to hear, and I can't take it. You're making it impossible not to love you and wish I could pitch a tent in the corner of your office so I never have to leave.

T,

I looked at your Facebook again. You have a new photo. It's of you and your baby-girl and I guess it was taken during your holiday last summer. You look so happy and beautiful. I got so so sad. I don't know how that is. I feel so unbelievable bad right now. I haven't felt like this in months. It hurts. It hurts so bad. I don't want to lose you.
5 months! You know how long 5 months is? For you it's probably short, but for me. 5 long months with a new T. And then what, back to you? 5 months is so many feelings, so many bad moments, so many situations.
Maybe it's just better if I don't go back to you. Look at what a mess I am now. I've to say goodbye in less than 2 months. And then, if I start seeing you again, I'll have to say goodbye a second time. Maybe it would be less hard if I was feeling mentally better.

I can't do this. I don't want to do this. I've been crying the whole evening.

Dear uni therapist,

It is difficult to put into words how I feel right now. I feel relieved, but I also feel so ashamed of myself for breaking down in tears like that.

At the same time, it left me in such a vulnerable state that you were able to do what you've been telling me you've wanted to do for so long, which was come and sit next to me so you could wrap your arms around me and hold me. The thing is, I felt it then. I could feel it. It was in the way you were stroking my back, softly speaking words of love with your face pressed into my hair… I could feel the love. It was so real. So healing, even if I was overcome by shame afterwards. I had at least five minutes of feeling more loved than I have ever felt before.

I'm so sorry I've doubted you. I'm sorry I've been so hard on you. It has nothing to do with you, really; it is more about the fact that I am convinced I'm unworthy of love, thus drawing the conclusion that you must be faking it. But you're not, are you?

I love you so much, and I wish I could keep you forever.

I think you broke me this time.
How can you be so smart and yet such a f@#$#$% idiot???
You really didn't think that telling me you wanted to cut my sessions on my birthday which you know is already an awful day because my mom never let me forget I was an unwanted accident might be painful?? Might not go well??? And when have we ever talked about anything involving LESS therapy?????
You are seriously a careless idiot. I don't even like you anymore. I left a message for you and when you called back I realized I didn't even want to talk to.you so I didn't answer. I hate you for being so careless with me on today of all days.
At least you reminded me that I'm NOT special. I needed that reminder.

T,

Thanks for letting me know ur still alive. ..hope you're having funnnnnnn....

See ya Tuesday and I miss u.

Me

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

Ex therapist,

I am so glad i am not duped by therapy anymore. So glad to be free from the lies.

Also your voice mail sucked

Also, YOU suck.

Oh he crazy yoyo... just a couple of days ago, I posted how great you are and just asked for a simple touch. You cane through Hatay with a touch on my shoulder on the way out of the door and I broke into the hammondd "He touched me" in my head and a while I felt so much less like a leper and felt like things might be about to get better after our session.

Today, , everything feels lost. I don't understand what happened between Hyesterday and today's visit, but something changed in your mind and plan and now I feel like all is lost asks never going to get better. I already lost my career this year over this and now am not getting it back because we haven't made progress and my time is up. What happened? Will we ever really get to make this pain go away?

They learn them out of the gate rigid. Oh well...

To all T's,

I hate you! I hate very single one of you! Even if I've never met you. Whether you're a good T or a bad T, it always comes to pain eventually. **** you all! And go buy a brain. Or a heart. Yours aren't working that well.

T,

I'm tipsy. I am posting here instead of messaging you.

Last session, I said "I love you. Sometimes." I don't know why I blurted that. I want you to love me back - as a therapist caring genuinely for a patient as a unique person, for who I am, please?

Dear MC,
I had this dream last night where we were supposed to have a session by phone, but the receptionist kept putting me on hold and didn't seem to know who I was or which person I wanted to talk to. And then the phone kept cutting in so I could hear your conversation with another T about some other patient and then you saying that you'd had tuna fish with tomato for lunch. Then it went back to a different receptionist, who said you wouldn't be able to talk to me because it was your birthday, and you were going to leave early that day to avoid the traffic. I was annoyed because I had an appointment and also sad. She said I should try to set something up for tomorrow, and I was like, "Does he have any openings tomorrow?" And she said, "No."

Then the receptionist said she was concerned about you, because she'd seen you write something down in Swedish (and you are certainly not Swedish!) that roughly translated to, "Even when I am polished, I no longer shine like I used to." And that made me feel sad.

So, what was that all about? I'm guessing the first part was concerns about not connecting with you or that I'm not a priority, something like that. Maybe because you were out of town this week? Some other reason? Hoping snow doesn't cancel our appointment Monday...

T-12 hours.

I am preparing... In my own procrastinatory kind of a way.

So not looking forward to this. Yet looking forward to this.

Will be interesting to see what you get on Tuesday!

I want to talk to you but I don't.
I hate that I'll he agonizing all weekend while you forget about it.
I have tons of things to say and yet nothing to say to you.
And nothing is going as planned

I don't know how you could mess up my life so badly and walk away. I guess as long as your life is unaffected right? I mean how do you rationalize what you have done?

You have caused me irreparable harm with people in my personal life. How would YOU like it?

T,
Your message got through to me. I have to deal with being hospitalization or taking my meds properly. I want the tainted blood out of me.

I may not have anyone fighting for me but someone is going to STOP you someday. You will not be able to get away with manipulating and ruining people's lives forever!!

Dear T
I'm excited now. I think I can see a way forward. I can see a future when I might not need my unhealthy coping methods cos I might not be scared, finally, to turn around and see me.