Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

1 weeek 1 day and 13 mins to go.

T,

About what you said last session. Staying stable/solid/constant for those 5 months with a new T is NOT enough for me! I didn't start therapy again to go from feeling hopeless close to death to feeling like **** and then stay ''stable'', so stay feeling like ****, for 5 months. I started therapy again because I was feeling terrible depressed and I was at a loss. I wanted to feel better. And eventhough it goes really really slow, it better than no progress at all.
You say that getting to know a new T, talking to her, experiencing that there are more T's who can be good for me is already a huge step. And if it is enough to just experience that, focus on that and focus on staying stable for those 5 months.
It's not enough! I still feel like ****. And that's not good. And if I pass those exams (which you knew long ago were coming and causing huge anxiety and for which you won't be there to support me), then I could start college. And college start at the beginning of September. And that's 5 months from the day you are leaving me.
So NO! Staying stable isn't enough! You ****ing *****! You can talk easy. You don't know how it is to feel like this. I ****ing hate you right now!
You're leaving me during a time I need you the most. And yes, you help me with that new T, but how can I trust her? How can I feel comfortable around her? That doesn't happen so soon. If it happens at all. So basically I will be/feel alone during a really difficult time for me.
Thank you, T.

dear t, i hope you are feeling better.
love,
me

t,

im such a loser. i wish someone would kill me

me

Dear T,

Since my hiatus, all that self discovery work has led to this:

Conclusion: if all parties involved are filled with puzzle pieces, but given the impression that each puzzle piece holder has disdain for the other, then of course there's lack of communication between the parties.

Lesson Learned: Each party member was played.

Bond Factor: A Baby Girl

Denominator: Each has experienced our own versions of pain.

I'm feeling Cathartic at the moment.

Reminded of the song, I can see clearly now, the rain is gone. I can see all obstacles in my way...going to be a bright, bright, bright sunshiny day.

So strange because although when I started I did want to revisit my past, losing my mom plus the work through on my apron strings items that I had been addressing before losing her and the struggles from marriage through divorce and after took center stage.

During our last session, the work was on considering romantic relationships going forward, my wants/needs lists, what's my figurative profile? It's not so much a work in progress list, as a hiatus list due to my seriously asking myself do I have room/space in my life with all I've going on.

Must be able to have patience and wherewithall with my children. A sense of humor. Ability to roll with the punches. No desire to come to my rescue or ability to resist that impulse. Someone that sees me as an equal, condescending complexes need not try. Someone with emotional capacity, meaning in touch with emotions aka mindfulness trained. Have had some cbt work because it will show, there's evident differences. I could continue, however must pause writing a moment...leading into the ability to give me space.

Me

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How will I feel when next I see you?! Will I still feel this, this fullness of me? I hope so.

I get it you can't help me. I am in hell right now and feel like I have been backed into a corner. I won't bother you anymore.

Looking into what's behind people who have no conscience. It appears that there has been a gradual chipping away over the years. When these people do something wrong, they avoid facing what they've done by seeking solace in drugs, drink, or making excuses for their behavior. They get away with it and feel superior. They get a rush from being bad and fooling people with their rationalizations. After years of repeating this behavior of avoidance, the conscience is chipped away at until there is little or nothing left.

Dear T, I am so grateful that you said you don't think that even if I started going out more and meeting more people and making my life busier that I would just automatically feel better. That has been one of my biggest fears, that I have wasted so many years of my life NOT doing anything to my life...and if i just un-isolate myself some, *poof* I will be all better.

That fear and self-hatred has kept me from trying it, but hearing you say that all of my underlying feelings would still be there was a relief. Maybe I can try and let go of that fear a tiny bit...i don't know, but it was nice hearing you say that, so thank you.

Well you obviously really don't give a #$%& right now do you???

Dear MC,
And last night, I dreamed that we had this long exchange of e-mails (don't recall what about), but you closed the last one with "I love you." Woke up feeling happy about that, then realized it was a dream...

Hope we can see you tomorrow...

Dear T,

I wrote a ''I quit'' email. I haven't send it. Yet. It's not a long email. It's a bit angry. Angry from hurt.
I really don't now if I want to stay at the practrise/agency you work at. I don't know if that would be good for me. I don't know if I want a college of you as my new (temporary) T. Seeing a new T at the place you work, while you're not there and I know the reason. My only reason to see a T at your place would be so I would still have some sort of connection to you. Eventhough you're not at work. But would that be good for me?
I like you so much as my T. But this situation and me liking you too much and I'm only a client, work, for you, it's hurting me.

Dear T,
Thank you for texting me to check up on stuff. I really appreciate that

Last night I was talking about you to a friend and she said "It sounds like you love him." and I replied "Maybe I do in a way."
I didn't think I did until that came out of my mouth.

Well, thats day one over with. I do not feel good. As Im doing this to feel better, how long will I have to wait for the better to reach me?

One week exactly to go.

loveyouhateyouloveyouhateyouloveyou

Do you remember the move Absence of Malice?

MC,
Do I send you the e-mail I typed out about how much we (especially I) really need to see you, yet at the same time I don't want you to risk your safety in the possible snow/ice tomorrow? I don't want to guilt you into coming in, but I'm hoping if you don't, you could either find a place to fit us in later in the week or possibly do a phone session. Need you.

T,

I'm thinking about canceling my next session. I know it's still 5 days away. I feel like I should cancel. But to cancel next session means one less time to see you before you leave me. But I also just don't want to see you. Ugh.
The only thing on my mind is your leaving. All the stuff I need to work on has moved to the background. I can't talk about other stuff to you, in my mind I'm thinking ''why would I talk to you about that. You're leaving me. What do you care. Why talk now about things that will happen when you're not here for me''. Why would I even go to sessions with you? I don't see the point in it because there are only 6-7 weeks left. I can't start something with you that I can't finish with you. And I've to start over with a new T.

This is all such a mess. Thank you for that.

Eh, I sent it. Had to put it out there. If you haven't rejected me by now, I seriously doubt this e-mail would make you do so. But I don't know. Love you.

Happy Valentine's Day, T.

Dear T,

I'm nervous about seeing you tomorrow. I'm not sure how I'm feeling now that I've shared some of the really big stuff. I don't want to have to just put my brave face on and walk out the door when I'm really wishing I could hold on to you and refuse to leave. I imagine myself as a little girl crying and screaming please don't make me go. But, I'm not that little girl anymore. I have to be an adult. It hurt SO much walking out the door last week. It makes me scared to even show up at all.

...I know, another day over... And another day "workless."

Dear T
I just want to contact you, so I'm doing it on here instead .
I want to 'accidentally' text you, or find a reason to email you...I just want to see your name pop up on my phone
But, I'm recognising that I want to play those games, and I'm choosing not to do that...which is great, well done me, but it doesn't make it any easier.
I think the last few sessions have been quite intense, and the last one we felt so...close. You said we were in a warm bubble together. I miss you. I miss that closeness and I think that's why I want to contact you. Maybe I'll tell you next session.

Red xxx

Dear T,

I mad at you because you're leaving me and that's why I don't want to see you and quit therapy with you because you're leaving me, so I want to leave you, while I'm angry because you're leaving me.