Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

t,

plz be safe driving back today.... and i hope ill see you tomorrow. (if ur not dead)

me

So you just don't care????? Really????

wanted to give you hugs if it's all right

Hope you're feeling better, t. I'm trying it, the... letting myself just "be" the realest me that i am w/you and... You know what that really seems to be what i needed all along...

Sent from my LG-H345 using Tapatalk

Well thats day 2 under my belt. This is simultaneously the hardest thing Ive ever done, and way easier than expected

Thanks for the side-hug, T. Even if it was a little awkward when you got distracted by your umbrella falling behind your door. I'm glad you brought up the connection thing today. I'm relieved, but this talk about getting in touch with my anger at my mom is scaring the **** out of me... But, I'm glad I'm feeling safe and secure with you again. I've seen quite a few Ts over the past 16 years, and none ever connected with me the way you do. Sometimes, you get to see the part of me that is so vulnerable and frightened and self-loathing, but you still accept me. I love you for that. See you Thursday.

C

Dear T,
I can't wait to see you tomorrow. I've been having a sorta hard time the last few days. I just really need to see you. Blahgoisakjvsadj <-- that's how I feel right now.

Dear T,

Today, someone posted on Twitter, "Find your passion- and jump."

It hurts.
I have been looking for help with my depression and direction all my life.
People struggle all the time. I didn't think getting help should be that hard.

I still could have found direction and done something with my life in my 30's and 40's....if I had found the right help.
Abusive Pdoc1 took that away from me. Abusive Pdoc2 took that away from me.
I didn't realize it was futile to look for help in (where I lived.)

I was messed up when Pdoc1 found me...then he moved. Pdoc2 replaced him. By then, I was very messed up. I was circling the drain.

Then he did what he did.

GoodPrevT found me. And I didn't die. We tackled depression and all the issues that Pdoc1 and Pdoc2 caused.

Now I'm old, sick, depressed, battling demons- trying to survive day by day, really.

Too late to jump.

Dear MC,
Thanks for today. Just seeing you helped. I was scared to talk about certain things, but you made it OK. You even made me laugh a couple times (like with the whole bobblehead analogy). I wish I could have held your hand for longer than the normal handshake or hugged you. But I could feel you hugging me from across the room, like with your eyes, when we were talking at one point, and that's enough.

On a more random note, I'm weirdly fascinated with the fact that you used to smoke. Because I wouldn't have guessed you were a former smoker. Maybe you used it to deal with your anxiety, like I did at one point? Is it weird that I wonder what brand you smoked? Was it Camel Lights, like me? Haven't smoked in years now, but could use one right now...

I hope you left early enough to avoid the ice and made it home safely. Love you...

Dear T,
It really upset me that you brought up hospitalization today. I had all this stuff I wanted to talk to you about before you went on vacation next week, and I had to spend most of the session defending why I didn't want to or need to be in the hospital right now. I want to try a different medication, but I'll talk to p-doc about that on Thursday. I just feel really awful now, like you don't believe in me. I know it's just you trying to help or whatever. But it would have been nice if you hadn't gotten me 15 minutes late, then basically threw me out after 45 minutes--yeah, you had another client, but I was all upset, and you were just like "We have to stop." It just seemed kind of cold. You didn't even touch me on the arm or anything, like you have lately. Maybe you're just sick of me, I don't know.

Right now, I'm like, maybe I need to see someone different. Maybe if I'm not all better after 4.5 years, I need someone with a different approach. I'd give almost anything to have MC as my individual T, and I'm sure you know that, because his approach just resonates with me more. And he wouldn't have kicked me out right at 45 minutes. Yeah, he's often late to get his clients, but I can live with that because he gives us extra time when we need it. I know that's not possible (at least not right now), but maybe one of the other T's in the practice has a style more like his?

I know I'm probably overreacting. Which is why I'm posting this here instead of e-mailing you. Because I don't want to say something I'll regret...

Dear MC,
Sorry for bugging you again with the texts. I just felt much more hopeful after our session yesterday, and want to feel that again. I feel like you believe in me and my strength and ability to get better more than T does. I need to hear that again. (Even though I'm probably not supposed to be looking for reassurance.)

My biggest fear is--well, biggest fear is that you'll tell me to stop contacting you outside of session--but second biggest is that you'll think I belong in the hospital, too.

Please keep believing in me...And being you...

Thanks for responding so quickly to my text and for not saying you think I need to be in the hospital (despite what we talked about yesterday). I feel a bit better now that you think I'm doing OK.

(I'll stop spamming this board now!)

I hope you'll let me know if we're on for thurs or not. I won't want to bug you if you're still sick but i don't want to just show up either. Let me know ok?

Sent from my LG-H345 using Tapatalk

Dear T
Me again. Sorry. I neeeeeeeed to contact you, but I'm being good!

*trigger*

So. I called the police (non emergency) and I asked them, is it a crime? Even though it was so long ago, even though I was 14, even though....

I know you know this stuff. I work in this stuff every day. We both know the law.
But being told by a real life police man....jeez....where's the wine?

Red xx

I PM'd you.

Well- I found my anger, started smoking, sacked you, and spent the evening asleep on the sofa having War of the Worlds nightmares.

Day three could probably have gone better. But I did it!

I'm really going to miss tomorrow's session. But I know the reality is I couldn't afford an extra day away from my children while they're off school and I could definitely use the money I've saved by not seeing you. That said, you're a huge part of my life and of course I miss you.

Hello T,

So...I sent you that email. I've written several emails in the past few weeks, but I didn't sent them. I sent this one. I was in a very bad and low mood. I felt terrible. Sad. Anxious. Mad. Lonely. Hurt. Hopeless. Pain. Crying. I wrote and send it out of anger, depression, hopelessness. It was dumb. I think.
I told you I quit. I've never really said that to you. I've thought it a lot of times. But I've that with every therapy. How many times where there that I was sure I would quit pdoc.
How wil you react? It's a bit of an angry mail. It isn't long. I've written last week about my feelings and also angry feelings. But that was more discribing how I felt. This one is... I think I'm expressing my anger towards you.
Maybe that one comment was a bit too not right? Suggesting I should study psychology so I can learn to be without emotion when hearing difficult stuff and so I won't think about T's so much except on the day of the session.
I was a bit b*tchy.

I kind of want you to not let me quit. I want to know if you care about me. I want to know if I mean something to you, that I'm not just a part of your paycheck.
I just want to know if I matter to you.

Thanks for being willing to go to the talk with me, and being wiling to drive. You need to stay safe for your clients.

Dear T, I've gleaned that you see yourself in me, but I'm not as strong as you. I don't have the same path ahead. I fear that you must thick I'm pathetic and be so unimpressed with my cycles of self-induced Crap. I wish I was stronger. I wish I was someone who you would find inspiring but I'm not. God, you must be annoyed. Our worse, absolutely bored with my repetitive ****.

I'm trying to be honest with myself, with everyone. But I don't really know what I want. I loathe myself for that.

holy cow t. i'm heading to bed now so i made it through the evening w/out calling you. now if i can make it through tomorrow without calling you, perhaps i am done. this new knowledge about my son is trying to undo me. i panicked for awhile on here, but i am calming down.

I need to talk to you. I'll never call even though I can. I'm scared. This has never happened before I don't know what to do. I need you. I don't know what to do.

Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk

Thank you for all the healing you have given me both physically and mentally. There is something so special about you, your touch. You make me feel something no one ever has and you make me feel like I can take on the world. You are amazing and I love you.

Dear G, so I am working on this shawl I am crocheting for you, but I think it's going to end up being too heavy and awkward. It's not going very well and I have to finish it by Thursday morning because that's our last session.

I had spiritual direction this morning, and that was hard, very, very hard. Then I came home and finished working on my presentation for class. I went to class, and once I was standing there in front of everyone I got so nervous that I was shaking, but I got through it. I started feeling SO IRRITABLE watching all the presentations, and I got home feeling EVEN MORE irritable. I thought I'd do my usual and eat to try and make it go away, and of course it didn't work. I am just getting more and more grouchy as the evening wears on, and I think it's because out last session is getting closer and closer, and without even knowing it I've been pushing away all my feelings about ending therapy. I'm feeling angry at you again, which is totally unjustifiable, and I just don't want to go into the emotions because it's too hard when I know I won't be seeing you anymore. I haven't been feeling those feelings of grief and loss. It's weird, because I haven't been aware of trying to push them away. It's like the closer it gets to our last session, the more I feel myself disengaging from you emotionally. But I haven't been trying to do that - it's just happened without me knowing how, and that bothers me.

Two weeks ago I read you a poem I had written about ending therapy, and how I feel angry at you, and feel my anger is unreasonable and unjustifiable. I've told you about the urge I've had to run out the door in the middle of therapy. I told you how I've wanted to walk away from you, because if I walk away from you, then you haven't abandoned me. It's totally irrational. I feel irrational. I feel like I have a tumult of irrational feelings tumbling around inside of me. Most of all I just feel so MAD and ANGRY that therapy is ending and that I have to say goodbye to you. It isn't FAIR! I always have to say goodbye to the people I love the most, and it makes me not want to get close to anyone ever again. We've talked about that in therapy too, but I have still not reconciled myself to the knowledge that no person can be a permanent fixture in my life. There is still all this angry pain of loss and abandonment and I don't think it's ever going to go away. I hate that you can't be a permanent person in my life, and that's what makes me SO MAD and SAD and want to lash out at you, somehow make this your fault because then I can be mad at you and being mad doesn't hurt as much as being sad.

I am scared about three things on Thursday:
1. I am scared that I will be so overcome with sadness that I won't be able to stop crying
2. I am scared that I will just feel so mad at you, and I don't want to be mad at you because you are such a lovely person and haven't done anything to deserve my anger
3. I am scared that I will be so disengaged from you and from myself that I won't be able to say any of the things I might need to say. I'm scared that you will ask me questions and I won't be able to answer because it's too painful and without trying my mind will go blank, that I will just go somewhere else in my head without even trying.