Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

t,

thank you soooo much for telling me you had transference for your therapist so you understand my feelings. i needed to know if you knew what it was like. and you do! i was so sure, like 100% sure, that you were going to tell me that i can't text you anymore today. i was so sure about it and then you texted me this morning and then i was very confused because i had basically convinced myself that it was going to happen. i was still nervous about it anyway, though. i feel as if i need to be prepared for anything. you didn't say anything like that though... and i am so relieved. thank you for being such a good, consistent T... thank you thank you thank you.

me

T,

help me. I'm so lonely. I don't know hom much longer I can stay in this house. How much long I can be alive in this house. But I've nowhere else to go.
I'm mad at my parents, especially my mum. You already know about my issues with my ''brother''. I don't know what it is with him or what I've done wrong. Yesterday he was acting like I was too much in the livingroom/kitchen. I was just there. I didn't do anything. Why is he acting like this? He has done that for more than 10 years. First bullying and sometimes even psychical abuse and treatening. Then mosty ignoring and sometimes namecalling.
And my parents didn't do anything about it. Even now when they know how much it has hurt me... If it was, let's say a classmate that did those things to me, they would have beaten the crap out of him and demanding him to be removed from my class. But because it's their son... nothing.

And then that ***** of him. She has never introduced her to me. She has been ignoring me from the start, giving me filthy looks. I didn't know who she was because there have been so many people walking in and out of our house.
She's just like him. Putting mum and dad on the Christmas card to my parents instead of ''to the family ...''. It aren't even her mum and dad. She hasn't the right to call my parents mum and dad.
And then just now I've found out that my mum has given her some special chocolate because she has passed for her drivers license. I didn't even got something like that when I got my drivers license.
I know my mum lies to me, sometimes. She said my brother is sorry for being so mean to me. That isn't what his actions say. She said she doesn't know his ***** and don't even speaks to her. Then why does my mum give her a Christmas card (on which my name isn't written) and presents?

It hurts. That ***** ignores me and such in my own house and my mum says I shouldn't think about that. It's almost the same as with my brother. I should just ignore it. But I can't. How can I ignore this when my own parents don't support me, aren't on my side. When they are just fine with another person not being kind/polite in my own house.

Maybe it sounds like I'm overreacting, but I'm not. It isn't about just one situation. It's about many situations over weeks, months, year.

I'm all alone. And I do so much for them. I help around in the house. I'm think about their birthday and other special days. Their lovely son doesn't do that. I'm staying alive for them. I don't want to be alive. But I do that for them. I keep suffering, because they rather have a daughter who is deeply unhappy and severe depresed than a dead daughter.

What should I do? I'm losing everyone. No one really cares about me. There's always someone who's better than me. I'm never someone's first choice. I try to be a good person, but... I don't know what people prefer anymore. Do there rather see murders and such. My brother was in prison. People like him more than me. Just because he talks more, I think.

I'm nothing.

(How am I going to tell you this? In an email? I don't want to talk. I want a hug. I want to lie in bed forever.)

T,

You were assessing me for possibly reporting me, weren't you? That thought makes me ill, even though what I did wasn't perfect, it wasn't close to being reportable...but ugh. so much hatred i have for myself.

(((((Chummy)))))) Please be safe. I can't remember if you have out-of-session contact with your T, but if you do, this would be a good time to use it...

It's been two weeks from hell. The flashbacks and lack of sleep are ruining me.

I don't want to see you Wednesday because I already know I don't want to talk about it. But I don't want to keep it in my head either. It's a lose-lose situation for me I guess. I don't even know I how you put up with me. I should just suck it up and get over it, right?

Dear MC,
Wish we were seeing you tomorrow. Not because anything major has happened, but just because I like seeing you, and I miss you. And it's still another week till we see you again. Hope you're having a great trip with your daughter. I really mean that, in spite of the twinge of jealousy from the paternal transference...

It's funny but you seem to find a way to dismiss everything that is important. I don't need a t who makes light of my feelings. In fact, I don't need a T at all.

Thank you for calling back with the book and page number...I'm swamped, but looking forward to the book lecture tomorrow.

I need to see you. Can you just cancel your whole day and spend it with me? That would be selfish but I don't know what to do on my own right now. I know others need you but this is bad. It isn't okay or good or hopeful.

T1, I am angry with you. I don't feel like you had any right to message me out of the blue. You've really ****ed up my week. I was just coming to terms with NEVER contacting you when you took that choice from me. It shows I was right to leave you.

Dear uni therapist,

I felt like crap this weekend, and I wanted to call you so badly. I wish I could just call you all the time, just to talk to you. I don't know why you have to be so amazing. Will you stop that, so maybe this attachment won't be so intense anymore?

Sometimes I really wish you didn't love me. Things would be so much easier then. But I know that it is what I need right now in order to "heal". It's just really hard right now.

Dear T,
Today you said the word "b----y" and I found it hilarious. You also called me "my dear" again, and I totally loved it. Also, thank you so much for the playlist. <3 I think something went wrong when you downloaded it to the CD though, because it doesn't play the songs you listed. But that's okay, I'm just glad you did all that for me.

I'm still waiting for you to give up.

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Well t guess what. I am angry. Yes, Art is feeling angry and confrontational. At you, at me, at this relationship. We will talk about this on Saturday. Be ready.

p.s. I still love you and respect you like, way a lot.

Dear T,
You look amazing in blue.

Dear Pdoc,

The Bruins weren't looking so great against the Lightening. Sigh...

Me

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Thank you so much for everything you do for me. You go above and beyond what you have to. You really show how much you care in your actions. Thank you for tonights phone call. I needed that connection after the rough few days. I miss you and love you.

You are adorable. I have no idea what to talk about tomorrow.

Dear G, I can hardly believe we are done therapy. I know it was time to be done, but I still feel so broken, and I miss you SO MUCH. Maybe that broken feeling won't ever go away. I've felt that way for such a long time - fragile, sad, breakable. I thought you looked sad too, when we were wrapping up our last session. I've never seen your eyes look like that before and I didn't know what to do. I felt emotionless, and I know I had put my wall back up. It was so hard to take down that wall when I first started therapy with you, and then it came down on top of me and I felt so helpless and weak - it's amazing how fast I put up that wall of defence once I knew therapy was coming to an end. I couldn't connect with you at an emotional level anymore. I guess I'm doing okay. It hasn't even been two weeks yet. Last Monday was a REALLY BAD DAY at my new job. I started sobbing as soon as I got to my car, and cried the whole way home, and cried off and on the whole evening even though I tried to distract myself with watching tv. I was so upset that I couldn't fall asleep until after midnight that night. I kept thinking how I wanted to tell you about my bad day, and then I kept realizing over and over again that we are done therapy, and then I started crying all over again. I expect I'll be writing you lots of letters on this forum - letters that I will never send to you and that you will never read. I wish you and I could be friends.

I feel there is something wrong between us but I haven't had contact since last session so how could that be?

Thank you for accompanying me today, and being willing to drive. It was a very moving experience for the both of us. And, I am glad you got to meet my friend.

T,
I feel "cheated" out of time at our last session. It's my fault that I had a coughing fit and couldn't talk. You wisely did some guided imagery to calm me down and the cough went quiet. However those last 10-15 minutes are lost forever. I could have used them.
Things went wrong at work again and I couldn't handle it...again.
I emailed you, but it's not the same. I don't see you until the end of next week, another 10 days yet, and our last session was a week ago. I still have my cough so I don't see the point in trying to squeeze in an extra session.
I'm just frustrated between work and the "stuff" H is going thru. I don't know how much longer I can "be there" for him? This is soooo hard!!!
I just want to crawl under a rock and stay there until the storm passes...if it ever does.

I hope you can help me tomorrow. I'm not coping well.

I'm scared about what you said we'd be doing today but I hope it helps... If I can't do it please don't be upset.

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Someone asked me last night when I was at one of my lowest lows what would make me feel better?

All I could think of was being held in your arms. And you know what? I don't think that's weird. You're a source of comfort for me, someone who absolves me of all my pain. Probably one of the few (if not only) people out there who actually cares about me. Of course I would want you there when I'm at my worst.