[ScarletPimpernel]

March 10th will be 1 year since ex-T abandoned me. I feel the need to do something. I want to send ex-T something. I know I'm not going to get a response. I mean, the grievance I filed withthe board of psychology still hasn't been decided.

I talked to T about this. She isn't against it. I could send ex-T pictures of kittens or a scream mask, but that would be revengeful. I could even send it to her home, but she would feel violated. What I originally wanted to do was send her a dead rose symbolizing pain, betrayal, lost love. But my T doesn't think ex-T will understand the symbolism.

So we agreed on one of two things:
1. A poem that expresses my pain
2. One sentence: "After 1 year, I am still hurting and grieving."

I just feel it inside me that I have to do this. I need to do this. I have remained silent for one year. I deserve this.

Glad your current T is so supportive.

I hope penning the poem will be healing.

[NowhereUSA]

Is there something you could do without reaching out to your ex-T? Like having a private ritual to mark the grief and pain you feel? The only reason I say that is because it might hurt more. Everyone's different but for me, reaching out would be a form of giving power over to her. By reaching out I'd be enhancing the power instead of diminishing it. Whereas if I grieved in a way that was private, with those who I trust and love, I'd be working on reducing her power in my life.

Could you write a poem and then burn it? Then maybe do something very special for yourself in the form of self-care?

[divine1966]

Write a poem but don't send it. I know someone who sends dead flowers and headless dolls to people. To symbolize things. It is very scary. Especially at home if she has family living with her. I know you aren't trying to scare her but it could be perceived as such. Sorry you are hurting

Treat yourself to something like nice meal or new clothes. You deserve it. Don't bother sending stuff

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Seems like trying to communicate with your old T in any way at this point is just an exercise in futility and opening yourself up to more grief. Might be better to find a way to do this on your own without any contact with the old T. Write a poem and burn it or something. Don't shoot yourself in the foot by opening yourself up to more disappointment.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I think you misunderstand. I do not expect for ex-T to respond. I 100% know she's not. There is no false hope. There is no hope.

And I wouldn't send it to her house. I'd send it to her office.

I just don't feel like writing something and the burning it is enough for me. I have sat in silence for 10.5 months thus far. I have respected her wishes. Why? Why did I have to? I didn't. I love her, that's why. I deserve a pass. Just once a year until I no longer feel the need. Why can't I tell her I still hurt? I want her to know. She will know.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

What if you did something to symbolize this day with your current T? You could write how you feel and talk about it and talk about how you are healing and will get past this someday. I agree with other posters that it might not be good idea to try to contact your ex-T. I think the safest option is to do something with your current T to honor what you feel.

[NowhereUSA]

I understand that you have no expectation that she will respond.

I don't know if it would change the perspective, but instead of asking if it's something you deserve, ask if it's what will be effective in helping *you* be empowered in yourself. I've heard many times that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. When I've had someone wound me in my life, I've found that the moment I'm free is the moment that they no longer matter to me. When, while certainly I will remember the pain they inflicted, they no longer carry any weight in my world.

And, again speaking out of life experiences, that most often happens when I turn my face away from them, as deeply as it aches in the moment, and refuse to give them even half a second of my emotion. When I grieve, I grieve with those that *will* respond to me.

The point isn't whether or not it's deserved. The point is your own healing and empowerment. At least from my perspective.

[unlockingsanity]

I'm just wondering how you feel like this will help you. Are you going to send her something every anniversary?

[ScarletPimpernel]

I don't know if I'll do it every year. I hope not. My T said we'll see whether or not this turns out to help me or hurt me. If it helps and I want to, then I'll do it next year. But I might not want to. Maybe I will no longer be hurting then.

I feel like this helps me because it gives me a voice. It honors my feelings and what I experienced.

[luvnola]

I'm sorry you were hurt by this t. I'm wondering though, doesn't the grievance you filed give you a voice? I would be very surprised if the t even opened whatever you choose to send, especially since the ending wasn't a good one and she has a complaint filed against her. Idk. I do understand the need for her to know just how much she hurt you, but again, I'm guessing the complaint did that.

I really do understand that you want to reach out and remind her how much she has hurt you. I'd feel enraged knowing that the person who abandoned me in such a cavalier manner, never really making any attempt to accept responsibility for what she did, continued to live and work without any true knowledge of how much she hurt me. That said, I have to agree that sending anything to her while you have a grievance filed against her wouldn't be, in my opinion, a great move on your part. Guess what she'll do with what you send to her? She'll turn it over to her lawyer to be used as evidence against you. Her lawyer will use it to show how obsessed you are with her and how she needed to terminate any and all contact with you and that's why she decided to cut off all contact with you when she did. Is that true? Not really, but at this point she's in protection mode and she'll use anything she can to protect herself.

I know you have to make your own decision in this situation and perhaps writing that poem will help you heal. I do wish you some peace and healing from this awful situation. I can't even begin to imagine how painful all of this must be for you.

[unlockingsanity]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I don't know if I'll do it every year. I hope not. My T said we'll see whether or not this turns out to help me or hurt me. If it helps and I want to, then I'll do it next year. But I might not want to. Maybe I will no longer be hurting then.

I feel like this helps me because it gives me a voice. It honors my feelings and what I experienced.

You can still have a voice and honour your feelings without contacting your former T.

I personally feel like you are jeopardizing any action being taken against your T if you continue to contact her. Think about how it would look from the outside. She could totally play "I'm being basically stalked by this client, even a year later" if you continue to contact her.

I know you won't want to hear that, but I hope maybe you'll be able to see it from a different perspective.

You're going to heal, Scarlett. You don't have to heal only by continuing to interact with your former T. I bet it would be really healing for you to uncover why you feel the need to still connect with her instead of putting space between you.

It's hard to walk away, especially when leaving wasn't our choice. I wonder if you have ever considered looking at what you can do to look beyond the termination instead looking back on it?

[ScarletPimpernel]

It's been 10.5 months since I've had any communication with her, so it's not ongoing.

The letter/poem would be anonymous, typed, and mailed from a different city. She will know it's me, but she won't be able to prove it. And even if she was able to, I can turn around and say that I did this because of the trauma she caused me, and it will strengthen my case.

[unlockingsanity]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

It's been 10.5 months since I've had any communication with her, so it's not ongoing.

The letter/poem would be anonymous, typed, and mailed from a different city. She will know it's me, but she won't be able to prove it. And even if she was able to, I can turn around and say that I did this because of the trauma she caused me, and it will strengthen my case.

I think you may be delusional in regards to the realities of this situation. I really hope it works out the way you want to and that you heal from this.

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

It's been 10.5 months since I've had any communication with her, so it's not ongoing.

The letter/poem would be anonymous, typed, and mailed from a different city. She will know it's me, but she won't be able to prove it. And even if she was able to, I can turn around and say that I did this because of the trauma she caused me, and it will strengthen my case.

You really sound like you are kind of fooling yourself here. Seems like you are still trying to find a way to keep that tie to your old T. It's over. I know you know that rationally, but this doesn't sound terribly rational.

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I have respected her wishes. Why? Why did I have to? I didn't. I love her, that's why. I deserve a pass. Just once a year until I no longer feel the need.

I do feel like, in my own life experience, that anniversaries of loss and grief are very powerful. I can relate to feeling like you want to do something to mark the occasion and to have a different relationship to this part of your past. However . . .

It sounds like you have been asked not to contact her further. If you have, I think it's important that you don't. If she knows it is from you, she will be able to explain to others why it is from you, and the anniversary date will be something objective to point to.

No matter how much someone has hurt you, it's not right to continue to contact them after they've asked you to stop. People who don't respect the wishes of others are sometimes subjected to criminal charges and/or court protective orders. Either one of these things could have a negative impact on your future in terms of jobs or social relationships (i.e. people looking you up on the internet and finding these things).

I don't think that continuing to contact her, including this anonymous plan of yours (which really just makes it look like you know that contacting her is wrong, but you are willing to do it anyway), will not end up helping your case. It will make you appear to be the kind of client that no one wants to have, will demonstrate a reasonable basis for terminating you, and would generally make you appear untrustworthy and vindictive. In general, people who file complaints against others, T or not, do not continue to try to contact or have a relationship with them.

I don't think anyone is entitled in the way you describe yourself to be. Your great pain doesn't justify contacting someone who doesn't want to be contacted. You will not demonstrate your pain by sending anonymous poetry; you will instead demonstrate that you will not respect boundaries. And it seems unlikely to me that this will assist you in demonstrating that your T was improper to terminate you.

[Gavinandnikki]

Stop. Anything you send her will go straight to her lawyer, unopened, and will appear to be stalking behavior, as some other posters have said.

You simply have to let it go. I think your expectation of it somehow being healing for you is unfounded. I think it would continue your pain.

Write a poem, since you are such an excellent writer, then burn it. Like a funeral. No more.

[ScarletPimpernel]

You don't understand the pain. You don't understand I still hurt. Just because I'm not hating the profession or because I'm not harming myself doesn't mean I don't hurt. A year ago, everyone was more supportive. I'm not saying you agreed with me, but you were empathetic. Now after 10 months, I should have my s*** together, right? I mostly do. But I still hurt.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

It's been 10.5 months since I've had any communication with her, so it's not ongoing.

The letter/poem would be anonymous, typed, and mailed from a different city. She will know it's me, but she won't be able to prove it. And even if she was able to, I can turn around and say that I did this because of the trauma she caused me, and it will strengthen my case.

If the mere act of sending it is what makes you feel better then it is what it is. However, if what you really want is invoke a reaction of some sort (even if it's not expressed to you), keep in mind that that she may not see what you send her.

[atisketatasket]

Can I ask what you hope to gain from this?

She's not going to respond. If you're going to send it anonymously, perhaps you don't even want a response?

It might even adversely affect the complaint against her (which I imagine might be more healing for you if she is disciplined, as she should be).

I just can't see how it would bring closure or healing.

I get the giving yourself a voice, but how satisfying is communicating to someone that they hurt you when they may not even read your note or poem?

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

You don't understand the pain. You don't understand I still hurt. Just because I'm not hating the profession or because I'm not harming myself doesn't mean I don't hurt. A year ago, everyone was more supportive. I'm not saying you agreed with me, but you were empathetic. Now after 10 months, I should have my s*** together, right? I mostly do. But I still hurt.

No one is saying that. We are saying this is a bad idea. You can be in pain. We understand that, but this is not a good idea and can and quite possibly will be used against you as it will be presented as evidence supporting the termination in the first place. There are other ways to deal with your pain than to in any way involve this old T somehow. You've filed a grievance; that is a strong message. Beyond that you need to work through this with your current T and keep a firm distance literally and figuratively from the old T.

[Gavinandnikki]

Scarlet, I know you had and still have the pain.

I see your thinking and possible activities stemming from that thinking as prolonging your pain, not easing it. Like, somehow, it is entrenched in you no matter how much time passes.

I think it's probably more complex than we think and I am very glad your therapist sounds like a good solid one. Take care.

Is there possibly a connection, (re: the urgency for contact), because of what happened with your group therapy, and the anniversary? It might be useful to explore this with your therapist. My opinion only.

[divine1966]

I know you are in pain. It's very sad how she abandoned you. But regardless of the amount of pain, sending anybody anything anonymous is not a good idea. If she requested you not to contact her plus you filed grievances, she will use it against you to show that you are harassing her. It will be used to prove that you behaved in a wrong manner then and do now sending things. She'll say she is threatened by you. I would actually celebrate this anniversary by living better life. The best revenge is to live well.

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