Do you care? Does anyone ask "Why do you care?"

"Why do you care?" has been my fly in the ointment, so to speak. I need to know my T cares, but it seems more important for me to know 'why' s/he cares. As with the former question, there's always the chance any or all of us would get a rehearsed response. Just curious...I've not seen this question posted here and would be interested in whether or not others wonder 'why' their T cares (if they profess that they do care, of course).

I've asked my psychologist this question "WHY?" repeatedly.

She says that as she grows to know each client, caring naturally develops.

She says that it's because she can see the good in me - in each client before her.

She says she believes schema therapy won't work without genuine caring on her part as for each of her clients as the unique persons they are.

I still want to know WHY she cares about me. I used to say she just cared for me as "Just a job" but she has always asked me to Feel her care, that she believes her job is not "just a job", that she believes strongly in a dynamic, healing, "genuine" relationship between both members of the dyad.

I'm not fully convinced but after more then a year of seeing her once every two weeks and testing her and being met with compassion and acceptance and warmth and care, I believe she does care for me as a client.

WHY she cares for a worthless thing like me though? I'm still asking. She says I'm not the awful creature I believe myself to be.

I have asked "why would you care?" or "what difference does it make to you?" - granted I usually follow those with "stay back."

I have never asked that question. I admit I have been swimming around the idea of asking her, but I think I know the answer.

On several occasions during our sessions, I would be talking about a problem and I can see that she cares. The most recent happened in our last session when I got semi off topic and went off on something that has been bothering me for years. As she was listening, her face fell and she told me she was hurting for me. I know she cares about me even if she hasn't said it.

I asked the question universally--"why do you do this?"--during a difficult session. The answer was a bland but surprisingly genuine "I've always wanted to help people."

I always thought a rehearsed answer would devastate me until I actually got one. Rehearsed answers are safe. I was already feeling vulnerable and cagey, and if my T had tried to make some heartfelt, personalized answer, I probably would have found a way to set it on fire and tell him exactly where he could stick the ashes.

I think that it has a lot to do with being professional…at the end of the day its a job like any other. The monetary rewards are high…and the satisfaction of a job well done would also come into play. Ultimately it is their job to care…just as its my job to care enough to ensure buildings are built in such a way that they don't fall down.

I haven't ever asked this -- I doubt I will mostly coz I don't want to know!

But, at some point, not sure how the topic came up but T said something like "You don't think there's anything good in you that anyone can like / care about, right?".

So, my guess is that even if I asked her this question, she'd turn it back on me and ask if I believe there's nothing in me that can engender liking / caring in someone and so, if that is the reason for the question.

Weirdly, I actually kinda prefer this deflection -- I really don't feel like I have the space / energy to deal with her feelings (whether good or not-so-good) and so, I'd prefer to spend whatever little mental resources I have on battling my own stuff.

I have wondered about this too. But I also feel like I never get an answer that would satisfy me, which I think is more about me than her.

What would it take for you to know she/he cares?

I wonder if anyone could answer that question -"WHY do you care?" Isn't it enough to know that they DO care? I know my T cares and that's enough for me. I guess, for me, asking that question would be like hunting for a compliment or something. Other people might have other motives but I wouldn't want to hear a 'WHY' because it would make me feel self conscious.

I have never asked that question. I guess for me it has always been enough that they do care. I more or less assume they care because it is their nature to care.

Why do I care about my students or that member of my choir or my neighbor? Because that's just the way I am. When I know someone who is clearly going through something difficult, I feel badly for their circumstance because I can relate to the stress or the pain, etc. No one in this world is immune to having experienced difficulties, so it seems pretty natural that we, on some level, at least understand that whatever that other person is going through, it is a hard time for them. While we may not exactly know their experience, there is that broad human experience that we do know on some level.

I figure therapists, generally by nature of having chosen a helping profession, are sympathetic/empathetic individuals, so caring comes pretty naturally to them. I really don't need to know more than that I guess. It is enough to know that they do care and I have never been in a position of being with a therapist who I felt didn't care (that would be an awful situation and I wouldn't stay in that situation -- life's too short; I would find a better one).

I think that when we see someone in pain (or an animal in pain for that matter), compassion kind of rises up inside of you and you feel care for that person. It is a fact of nature.

I'm sure this is true for some people (like me!) more than others. But I'd think this would certainly apply to therapists--if they don't feel compassionate about others and want to help people in need, then why go into that profession at all?

Yeah, I did think of qualifying this, I don't think the compassion rises in everyone - maybe it does in some more than others. It doesn't seem to have done in my mother when I was a baby, perhaps she was too stressed and it got blocked.

I think some in the caring professions had good intentions. Wanted to care. I think it's not a given. Like theres an awful lot of uncaring nurses.
I know my T cares because I've felt it. It's not something that can be feigned. Another question is What do we mean about care? I had a very immature idea of what 'caring' should look like. It was a rather codependent vision. I've learnt a healthier notion of what caring looks like because of T.

It would take more than is engendered in a professional therapeutic relationship. I think my avoidant attachment style makes me want to ask these types of questions when I know I'll never be satisfied with the answer...rather self-defeating. Thanks for reminding me that the question is more about me than my T.

The topic of caring isn't something I can bring up. She told my fiance it's a boundary. She said she does care, but won't go further with a response. It's probably the boundary I hate the most. But I know she cares.

She does a lot of things different with me from other clients. She says so all the time (i.e. normally I do...). I know I'm the only client allowed to email her inbtwn sessions. I asked her why. She said because I'm complicated. Idk. I don't think I'm that complicated. I think she just likes me.

I think therapists enter this field of work because they care about people. The good ones more so I think. I have always been able to see that my T cared without her having to say it even though I have asked.

I have heard it called the profession where the client is always wrong. It can be attractive to think that you are adored by clients, get to make up rules as you go along, and there is no real oversight so a therapist can pretty much do whatever they want however they want and as long as it isn't sex and someone is willing to hand them money for sitting there - that is all it takes. It does not seem like a hard job to me. I have never really understood the concern about whether or why they care. For me, it just doesn't matter as long as they stay back and out of my real life.

I really like your last sentence.

You're so funny! I don't mean funny, laugh-at-you, funny, but your view of therapy is sometimes so refreshing and unique. Thanks for adding your response...