[MissCharlotte]

T got back from vacation today and he called me.

You see, just before he left we had a really heavy session LOADED with transference and I panicked and told him I didn't believe he would come back. He said it had to do with my lack of object constancy.

We talked on the phone before he left and he said he would call when he returned to let me know he was back. I didn't believe he would.

I wrote the poems you saw in the other thread. But I also wrote a series of letters, each one progressively more doubtful of the relationship or his return. In the last letter I was positively po'd.

I had pretty much decided that if he didn't call today, as promised, that I wouldn't have to return to his office.

I am so glad he called, and feeling so cared for. I am new to this, but if this is how we heal, then I am stunned....people actually caring for me? Hmmmm, not something I am accustomed to.

So, now what do I say when I see him? I certainly can't tell him how angry I am.

Ohhhh that's amazing. It must have felt so good that he called. But Sister, I encourage you to express your anger at him. That's what the therapeutic relationship is all about. And to express anger towards him while at the same time, feeling cared for, would be a big step-- to move away from that black and white and begin to learn how to feel multiple feelings towards him all at the same time. When is your next session? Do you want me to design a %#@&#! you Hallmark card for you?

[MissCharlotte]

Pink,

Thanks, yes please design me a "%#@&#! you, why did you leave me?" card. I will sign it and hand deliver it.

My next session is Tuesday. I agree. I think it's time to tell him I am/was angry about his leaving and even angrier that it will happen again in 5 weeks time. I am confused about these mixed feelings. Argggh.

Now, what about that spaghetti dream? (see the other thread) What does it mean? I'm stumped.

[SecretGarden]

Let em spill out.....

Glad you got that call today... Tuesday is right around the corner. Really.

Yes ... share your poetry...in the next session or two. See where it goes.

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So, now what do I say when I see him? I certainly can't tell him how angry I am.


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Yep, exactly that!

I'm so happy for you that he finally called!!

I can about hear your sigh of relief!


ECHOES

[MissCharlotte]

Hey guys,
here's another poem I found that I didn't include with the others:

7/1/07

Definitions

I wonder
Why you care
About things you don’t know
Are you really here
With me and in my soul

Velvet declarations
Smooth the edges of my pain
Angular doorways become arches

Illusive, incongruent, and searing
Inconsistent, uncomfortable, and unbearable
Yet blessed, invaluable, and loving
The insidious, hidden me

Sister, Kool that he phoned, kept his word, thats important.

[sunrise]

sister, I'm so glad he called. (((hugs)))

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sister said:
I am new to this, but if this is how we heal, then I am stunned....people actually caring for me? Hmmmm, not something I am accustomed to.

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I can so relate to this. I still remember this seminal moment from therapy when my T asked me to tell him my needs, what I needed and wanted from him. I was, like, floored. Stunned. I could not recall anyone ever asking me what I needed from them, or what I wanted. I could barely hear another word he said all session as I got stuck on that, and managed later in session to blurt out my difficulty with that. He was so great with that and repeated that yes, he wanted to hear my needs, that I deserved that, and not just from him. And go ahead, let fly with my needs, he was waiting and would do whatever it took. It is so wonderful your T cares for you sister. It's so therapeutic, isn't it? I'm happy for you.

BTW, I'm back from vacation, haven't posted in a while, look forward to reading some of the many new threads.

[MissCharlotte]

Hi Sunny,

I was just wondering today where you were!! I hope you had a good vacation.

Yes, the whole concept of telling our needs is over the top for me. T also keeps telling me that I have to let my husband know what I need as well.

Arrgghhh, I spoke with him today again, briefly to set an appointment for this week and he laughed at something he shouldn't have laughed at. I'm kind of hurt now and don't quite know how to handle this.

I thanked him for calling yesterday, and he asked what it meant to me. I said that, first of all, it meant he was really coming back. He laughed. He immediately corrected himself and said he shouldn't have laughed and I said, "that's okay I laugh at it too."

This was completely untrue. I don't laugh at it. It is a very sensitive issue for me.

We talked some more and he said that I was feeling the work we have been doing on consistency and that it was "charged." Then I said I had to go because I wanted to get off the phone.

What a %#@&#! jerk he is sometimes.

But, overall, I am glad he is back. I hate vacations. I think. I don't know what I feel right now. Just sad.



Anyway, thanks for your response and I am glad you are back too!!

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sister said:
Hi Sunny,

I was just wondering today where you were!! I hope you had a good vacation.

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Yeah, me too Sunny! Welcome back.

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Yes, the whole concept of telling our needs is over the top for me.

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Isn't it crazy, Sister? I'm not used to it either.

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What a %#@&#! jerk he is sometimes.

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Amazing. Sounds just like me. Isn't it amazing how we can learn to love and hate at the same time? Or isn't there something there in the middle?

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But, overall, I am glad he is back. I hate vacations. I think. I don't know what I feel right now. Just sad.

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I hope you share all these emotions with him. Normally when emotions are at this level of intensity, it means something big will happen in therapy, if you're willing to share.

[(JD)]

Certainly do share how you were feeling, and how you felt when he called too.

I'm a little astonished with the foul language to begin with (we aren't used to it here at PC) and to also have it placed towards someone who is caring about you is quite an eye opener. Please do share this with him, though.

TC. T's are great, aren't they?

I occasionally curse at my T. Not only in my journals, but directly at him in session. He encourages this by asking, "What did you call me in your journals? What would you like to call me right now?" We are all about pulling out the anger. And that's why he's great. Because cares about me enough to allow me to express this emotion towards him, and he doesn't run away. I agree. Ts are great.

Go for it, Sister.

(Just to clarify, I'm not telling you to walk into the session with a big %#@&#! YOU!! I'm just advocating an honest expression of your feelings).

[MissCharlotte]

Pinksoil,

%#@&#! you would be an honest expression of my feelings!!

I remember a session, very early on in my therapy when I was angry at my husband for something. I repeated about 6 times, "What kind of %#@&#! friend does that?"

T smiled and looked at me and said, "friend or %#@&#! friend?"

We laughed. Thanks for your encouragement. I am thinking that tomorrow's session will be rather "charged," as T says.



Sky,

"Blue" language is the norm in my therapy session. Both T and I use it. Although I must confess, I use it more than he does. He is not offended by it, and I am sorry you are. I am glad that there are %#@&#! symbols so you don't have to read the words I use. They are not intended to offend, just to give my language a certain desired emphasis!!

I think it's important, in a venue like PC, to have the opportunity for free expression...
Remember, they are just words.

Good luck! Please let us know what happens.