The Couch - CXII : The Tao of Couchies

A few things.
- My parents are away for the evening, so I have to be on my best behaviour. Else they'll never dare to leave me alone again.
- I'm missing and thinking of my pdoc. (he's on vacation, by the way) I'm afraid that means I'm developing transference. I have enough problems without adding transference to the list.
- T is on vacation so I can't call her and talk to her. Or maybe her vacation doesn't start until Monday, but I'm afraid to call and find out. It's unfortunate - I've called her less than a handful times in the year and a half I've been seeing her, but now that's she on vacation, I want to speak to her.
- I'm tired of.. coping, mostly. But afraid what'll happen if I don't. Or what'll happen if I do.
And another couple of things I don't know how to say.

Ugh, to lose all your support at once! I don't think it would hurt to try and call your T. It seems like it might help, and at worst, you will find out she did already start her vacation. Is it a office phone, or personal? I bet if it was personal, she might not mind checking in with you. Try and remember that if she doesn't want to answer (bc she's on vaca), she won't. She wouldn't "force" herself to answer if she didn't want to.

yep - the missing words are At All

(((Breadfish)))

(((Breadfish)))

Only 4 more hours and we'll be out of this car!!!

oh, so close!

Home from t. We talked about the money thing a bit, and about how things have been going with my h, and I asked for receipts going back to January so I can submit to insurance to try and meet my deductible. At one point she asked me if I was angry with her. I couldn't fathom why, because I'm not and have no reason to be. Then she pointed out that I seemed nervous. That I was, because I'd intended to go in and talk about my feelings for her today. I even told her most of what I'd wanted to say. I was there for an hour and it felt like 5 minutes. And we scheduled for 2 weeks.

Happy Saturday, couch!

No men for me. I tried dating about 2 of them in my whole life.
It was not for me.

It can't have been all bad? You were out of your usual environment, or was that the problem.

I've been a puddle of goo since my session on Thursday. Emailed T and he didn't reply. Not unusual and usually doesn't bother me (dude does have a life after all), but this time I took it really hard.

Is two an unusually low number of dating relationships?

By my high school and college experiences - incredibly low. plus the two were like one or two dates each - not a lengthy arrangement.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/pict...y-reveals.html

How do you know that something is a date? Is it a mutual agreement kind of thing, "this is a date and not just a night out with a friend for dinner/drinks/a movie"? Or is there always some kind of kissing or groping involved if it is a date?

It was a very long time ago - the late 70s and very early 80s. I don't remember how it was made clear - just that it was.
I don't think kissing or touching is what makes the difference in a date versus just an outing.

So my h convinced me to go ahead and ask t for receipts so I can submit to insurance, since with my son wanting to go to therapy too, we might have a chance of meeting our deductible. We talked about it today and she's writing one up for going back to January 1 of this year so I can submit it. Part of this process was she had to come up with a diagnosis. She just sent me an email suggesting that she use a diagnosis of "adjustment disorder/mixed". I do not know how I feel about this!! She sent me a link to read some information about it, I suppose it could fit just about anybody at some point in their life, so it can definitely fit me (especially thinking about the problems in my marriage). But it feels weird to see it on paper. I guess it's a trade-off for making peace with my h about continuing to go to therapy... having to deal with how this diagnosis makes me feel. I kinda liked not having to have one, I must admit, since I've been paying out of pocket for so long. Suddenly everything feels so formal. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise to help me get over the transference stuff!!

If it helps, I asked my T (after many months) if she gave a diagnosis to my insurance company -- she hemmed and hawed and finally said the same thing as yours (adjustment disorder). She said it's a low level diagnosis and she uses it to keep the bar as low as possible while also meeting insurance criteria.

I was super relieved -- from all that I've read on the interwebs, it's what's most commonly used by T's to get stuff through insurance (and insurance companies know this as well -- so, they know it's not a "real" diagnosis).

ETA: She said the only time it would be changed if someone was on meds, in which case that diagnosis would go in to insurance.

Thanks for sharing that! That's good to know. When I first started seeing her, it was major depressive disorder (clinical depression) and you're right, that came from the pdoc I was seeing at the time and while I was on meds. I've been off meds for 3 years this month and haven't seen pdoc since i went off them with his blessing.

Let's see, I'm good on heartbreak. Need to make up some ground on kissing though... I want to be brave enough to date women, but I don't know if I dare. Getting close to women is waaaaay scarier than getting close to men. I hate ignoring half of my nature, but I've been though enough dammit!

I've kissed enough frogs and had more than 2 heartbreaks. My "one" could pass me on the street today and we'd forever be strangers, as far as I'm concerned. Jaded but self-aware. The nun life is the life for me!

this is interesting. I've had one one-night stand (male), one disaster/blind date (male), 7 relationships (3 with females, 4 with males) (one of those really wasn't a relationship it was more, a friends with benefits situation and he's currently married to one of my closest friends). out of the 7 I have lived with 3, one of the women in college, the alcoholic that I lived with for 5 years (male), and currently h. had my heart broken (once by Jill, once by the alcoholic) and was cheated on by the alcoholic. Had a long distance relationship with h for 7 months before he moved to be with me. I sound like I've been very busy

Life sucks.

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I'm sorry. I forgot how much you hate to be teased.

I don't, actually - I loved your response, truly!

I don't like being mocked (who does?) and in the past I have sometimes been overreacting and misinterpreting teasing as mockery. I'm sorry about that. I think I'm better at not doing that now. Maybe from dealing with that malicious troll for almost three months now (or maybe from therapy!)

I have never dated and am in my first and last relationship. Have kissed two guys other than my husband (before I got together with him) but those were not dates or boyfriends and do not count.

I had a weird dream about this discussion a couple of hours ago. Somebody totally unknown responded to my question about how to know if it is a date and told me about the International Dating Record which keeps track of all dates of all people everywhere. So I went to where it was kept and found the record - a huge, huge book - and saw that every dinner and drinks and movie visit and other social activity I'd ever had with one man, just the two of us, except for H, was included there. It was rather uncomfortable and stressful, I had to motivate for each entry why it was not a date to have it erased, and then the marks did not quite disappear from the book, and then I got angry because no nights out with one other woman were included, and then I panicked because I feared they would start adding those.... gah! It is kind of funny really.