Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

t,

dunno why i always think youre mad. ive done way worse things. like flush all my pills down the toilet and lie about it to your face. or telling you i was going to murder you. or bolting from ur office while you chase me and driving away while yelling F OFF T!!!!!

so ya, why do i think something so small has made you mad at me?

also reading all of that makes me sound horrible. which i was then. but you stuck with me thru all my bull shiz. i dont think anyone else would have.... if i were you i would have been like wow see ya u crazy B!!!!

anyway...

me

I cried in my car today after session...That hasn't happened in a while....

I miss you and am not doing well.

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I miss you. I wish you weren't away on holidays. It feels like forever already and it's only been four days! Twelve more to go.

Dear MC,
Thanks so much for calling me today, presumably on your break, and talking to me about the e-mails. Just hearing your voice and the caring in it made me feel better. And the fact that you refused to accept my apology for bugging you with texts and e-mails, because you said I'd done nothing to warrant an apology--that made me feel better, too. Your explanation of why you responded as you did made sense--I mean, that really is what I asked for, for you to let me know that what I said was OK and that you had received the e-mail. The whole platonic thing that upset me so much--when you explained why you said that and why you reacted to what I'd said in that way--that made sense, too.

I couldn't bring myself to say how I'd really hoped you'd react--but I'm sure you should have been able to read between the lines there. Basically more in the way that T did. Talking about how weird the T relationship is and how it's basically one-sided (your words), which is a good thing because I don't have to worry about how you were feeling and could say anything...well, that made me feel a little sad, I guess. But when I said the thing about how it's a weird relationship because, yes, you care, but I pay you to do that, how I'm just your job...your response to that helped. Because you said that you can pay someone to do their job, but you can't pay them to care. And you asked if I've ever had a job that you loved, and I said yes, and you said that's what this was for you. And I said I couldn't imagine someone doing that job if they didn't get something positive out of it, and you said you did, and I said I was glad to hear that, and you thanked me.

I feel like parts of this conversation might not sound to someone on the outside like something that would make me feel better, but it wasn't just about what was said, but how you said it. It was you talking to me, not generic T (or MC) talking to generic client. The caring and the understanding of me were there, and the hope that I can get to a place where I don't need so much reassurance, whether from you or from anyone. Sure, you didn't reciprocate what I said, in so many words. But I certainly felt something at least approaching that coming from you on the phone today. And I've often felt it in session. So I think I just need to trust what I'm feeling and experiencing from you, and not look for you say some certain set of words to me. So, thanks.
Love,
LT

Thanks, junkDNA Doing much better today after talking to him.

Hope you're doing OK, too!

Glad to hear you had a chance to speak with him and clear it up

Dear T, there's a couple of things from last session that are bugging me. First, when I was talking about how hard it is to allow myself to care for someone when for all I know they could be dying, and it's hard not to know anything about you, and you said "well, I'm not going to start self-disclosing." I hope you don't think that's what I want?? You know how much that hurt with T1. Why would I want that and why would you say that? I'm hoping you meant that in an "as you know..." type of way. Because if you think I want you to start self-disclosing you are very wrong.
Also, when I said "that will be good for therapy" and you wanted to clarify whether I meant from the perspective of a client or as a trainee therapist. I mean, what? When have I ever given you the impression that I am trying to use my therapy with you for my training? When I am with you I am a client, not a trainee therapist and it's important to me that you can understand that too.
I don't want to detract from how good last session was, T. I just don't want you to make any false assumptions about me.

Thanks! I really appreciate that he found the time to talk to me today. I checked my phone log, and we talked for 26 minutes! Which is half of a session. And he (and T) never charges for phone calls, either. I could tell he was trying to take the time I needed to make it right (though I'm pretty sure he'd have had to go for a client if it went too much longer, but I didn't get the sense he was trying to get me off the phone).

Hope you're able to clear up the misunderstandings with your T, too...though I suspect you will, as he seems quite understanding.

Thanks, it's nothing major and I will mention it next session. It will be fine because I just need to make it clear to him that a) I don't want him to self-disclose and b) I don't think of therapy as some kind of university module -i want him to think of me purely as a client because I am totally in that zone and that level of vulnerability when I see him. I know he'll get that (he probably knows already from my reactions last session)
I'm glad MC is so available for you and that you have such a good support network

I. just. don't. know...
I'm so tired.
It feels like someone has died.
You say it's normal, I'm "grieving the loss of the life I had imagined for myself"...
only, it doesn't feel like that was the imaginary part.
I think I'm creating more hurt for myself than there has to be.
I think the part I talk about now is the part I imagined (even if sometimes it feels really real).
I think I've lied so much, even I believe it.
Forget that it meanss so much stuff would now make sense.
Forget that I have no other real basis for these body sensations.
Forget. I just want to forget.
It's an elaborate story, like the lady who went on for years acting as if she were at 9/11 when in reality she was not even in the country at the time... She had a reason for her lie, and she might have truly believed it at the time.
I think that's what's going on here too.
I think I have a reason for this lie that I don't totally understand right now. Maybe I need to assuage the guilt of deciding to cut him out of my life for less?
Maybe I need something that lying about this gives me?
Maybe perpetuating this lie allows me to continue to avoid functioning at the level that is expected of me?
I only really believe it when it's hitting me.
Other times it's just a really detailed and disgusting story.
I've got a good imagination.
I know how to weave a really good story.
I know how to make you feel for the character and to be sucked in by her manipulation.

I'm ****ing with you.
It's all a lie.
I need something from you, and this is how I'm getting it.

It's a lie.
It's a lie.
It's a lie.

I'm torn between reaching out again, and wanting to avoid tipping our hand.
I want to just fade away.
but there's too much I have to stay here for at the moment.
No one can cover my shift tomorrow.
Wife will be home Sunday.
I have to show up for session Monday.
I have to work Tuesday.
It's wife's b-day on Wednesday...

The list keeps going.
There's not a convenient time.
It's not immanent, so no need to mention it.
Maybe next week...

I'm so tired.
You had said something about me looking tired, looking like I'd held it all for too long.
You were right.
...but you were also wrong.
It's the lie I'm holding, not a truth.
It's the exhaustion of needing to keep inventing reasons to be incapacitated.
It's fear.

I wish you believed that.
I wish I really believed it too.
I'm not sure.
It's hard contending with something I should have know all along, but only recently became aware of.
Sure, it makes sense with the dissociation, the fears, the body sensations, everything...
but it doesn't mean it's gotta be true.

Why does it feel like my chest is caving in?
Why does it feel like someone has died?
Why can't I just forget it all again?
I want to just forget it all again...

Pieces,
t.w.o.

Hey t. I'm not sure I understand this. But between you coming up with a diagnosis so I can submit the past 5 months of sessions to my insurance, and reading the change you made to your online profile in March, I'm wanting to talk endings again. I can't figure out what to write on the form you gave me, beyond filling out the demographics page. What are we even doing? You said we're working on my individuation. What does that even mean? You say I don't need therapy anymore. You're just letting me keep coming until I'm ready to say goodbye, aren't you? Are you going to help me figure out how to DO that, or what?! See you tomorrow.....

I still miss Saturday appointments. I know, nothing can be done about it--but it sucks to rush from work on Mondays to try and make it. No time to reflect before hand, and walk to ease the anxiety...though road-ragey driving also makes me unable to be anxious

Did I tell you I thought you were one hell of a T? Maybe I did , in my own way , and that takes some understanding. The feelings are so difficult I'm glad I shared the photos with you. You know how to be what I need. Thanks , T.

Thank you for that. We really are okay, aren't we?

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T,
We had our last session today. It went as well as I could've hoped, and I feel that we got closure... but I am going to miss you so, so, SO much. It hurts to know I'll never see you again.
Love you.

Well you've lost me but look at what you've gained. Now you can be happy with your easier clients. It was your choice. It's all about you. I never had a chance with the competition.

There's somebody in the public eye (a comedian actually) that has always reminded me of you and I could never work out why. He's 20 years younger than you, he doesn't look, sound or act like you, yet whenever I watch him or hear him on the radio I feel like I'm in your presence. It's a comforting association.
I think I've figured out why I have made that link - you both have the same deep brown eyes. I know it's weird that such a small thing would have such an effect, but hey, I am weird.

T- I can't believe I sent you the poem I wrote. I wish I had more self- control. I feel you rolling your eyes, even thought the poem doesn't have anything to do with you but rather just disconnection that I feel in general. I wish I hadn't sent it. Why do I do this? ugh

t,

your use of emojis makes me laugh

me

I wish I could just spend the day with you today.
Thursday was something I always wished could happen and it did and I'm afraid it made the attachment stronger if that's possible and you'll pull away, again. Please don't.

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I don't want to bother you, but I kinda just want to hide in your pillow fort...
Just about 90 minutes left of the work day. I'm so tired. I'm impressed I made it without crying and breaking down. No guarantees that won't yet happen next week, but it didn't Happen yet today.
Would it be ok if I asked for more sessions again next week? The black hole in my chest is still collapsing. My throat hurts. I'm tired. I'm feeling impulsive... this is hard.
I don't want to break you with my neediness.
I hope I don't break you. I've broken enough therapists...
Can I bring cow with me Monday to sit in your pillow fort? I got her groomed today, so she shouldn't shed all over the place now.
Pieces, t.w.o.

Dear T-on-leave,

It has been six weeks. Six weeks without you. I'm not coping well.

New T. If you ask why I have not emailed since our last session I want to be clear in myself and be able to tell you why. Because I didn't want to. Because you will never be Old T and, right now, I can't see you coming anywhere close. I am starting to hurt at the loss of her and I didn't feel you with me last session. You keep pointing out the positives but that isn't what I need. I just don't think you get it. I have always been good at reasoning things away, brushing them under the carpet, moving on. What I am not great with is allowing myself to feel the hurt, sharing this hurt with anyone else knowing it is safe to do so. In fact I suck at that bit most of all and that is why I am with you, asking for your help, laying myself on the line (that is how it feels to me anyway). You cannot be to me what she was and so why are we bothering with this at all. You are not meeting what I need, even knowing how hard it is for me to ask. I don't even think you know how hard it is, though that isn't your fault. When you asked if it was OK that your response was delayed over the weekend because, well, it was the weekend, what did you expect me to say apart from, sure that's fine. You defended H when you should have supported me and you didn't respect my request not to discuss him. You have not written down for me what you said you would a week ago, despite having seen me twice since and you often mention reassurance though I don't feel any of this from you. You said at the end that me making sense of everything is the most important thing but that just highlights how little you understand me because it does all make sense to me, I just fail to see how it can possibly make sense to anyone else. That is what is most important to me. In reality I know it has only been a couple of months together so we are both still learning about each other, though the only thing you have told me is that you are getting a Guinea pig this weekend. In hindsight that was because I asked so maybe I should just ask what I would like to know. This is all confusing.

For these reasons I did not see the point in emailing you this week. I have nothing to say and yet everything to say. This needs to be done face to face, though I am sure that if you ask how my week has been I will say, 'yeah, OK thanks, working, cooking etc' and if you ask why I didn't email I will say I was just a bit busy with H back at home unexpectedly.

Maybe I should print off the first bit of this post to show you though I am sure that would end up sitting in my pocket. I am so bad at the whole relationship thing.

Dear T,

I'm crying. Real crying. I haven't been able to do that in weeks or months.
I need someone. I need someone to talk to. I won't see you for another 5 days. I'm not sure if I want to see you, to talk to you. On moments like this, I usually longed to see T-on-leave. I don't do that now, I still have a lot of anger for her, and I can't dee her anyway. With you, I don't have that feeling yet. I'm not sure what feeling. Maybe a connection? I like you, I like the way you are as a T, how you do therapy. But there's something missing. Maybe it is because I've only been seeing you for two months. I don't know. I've only had this feeling with T-on-leave, and I'm not sure when I got that feeling.

But I'm drifting away. So I'm crying. Trigger is the asshole boys who are having a sort of party in their garden, across from my room. This are stupid teenage boys and they are being rude, their are doing things to their neighbours garden and to our fence. Where are the parents? I don't know them, they are new. But this is what's wrong with this world. This is why this world is going to hell. People are getting worse and worse. So many parents don't raise their kids well. If kids aren't raise well, this world is ever going to get better.



This world is a bad place. Humans have ruined it. Why can't humans be good to eachother? Why do they have to destroy everything?
I'm far from perfect. But I have manners. I don't hurt people on purpose, unless they hurt me.
I can't live in this world.