Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

I'll see you tomorrow too! OUR DAY AND OUR TIME!! I'm glad you had respect for me and MY TIME SLOT.

I can't do this anymore, t. I don't know why I even try.

Me too - I've just entered the deep work with my T and I'm struggling with the demons from childhood. Difficult but healing. Don't give up people - strength and healing

So, what do I want to do today. Having finished the nights shift 2 hours ago I want to bring in my big red blanket and my stuffie and curl up in the corner somewhere but I don't think your tiled floor would be so comfortable. I might not even make it, I just got in bed for an hour while I wait......zzzzzzz.

Me three.

The pain of an unloved and difficult childhood...

Tomorrow I need you to listen to me instead of superimposing your viewpoint on my current situation. I need you to hear how afraid I am and how sad. Please hear me.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Dear T, I hope it really did help you to understand. This would all be so much easier if you did. Please tell me you are there and that you want to be there. Please tell me that this is OK.

So glad I saw you today. Thank you for helping me untangle my dog. Those little things show you care.

Session today after not having one for 13 days.
I'm not nervous.
I'm actually excited.
I've missed you.
I've missed our time.
I wonder what we'll discuss today,
or how it will go.
We'll probably talk a lot about you.
So I don't have to talk about myself.

T, thanks for the email. Part of me wants to call you to hear your voice. Probably I'll just spend today crafting the perfect reply and rereading your message. I do know it WILL be ok. But it is also so hard right now. I couldn't sleep last night. Traveling coming up. Time for me to be an adult and get stuff done. When all I really want to do is curl up and sleep. T, I'm terrified and want to just forget the whole move and everything that goes with it. I'm scared. And tired.

I quit .
That response was rather eye opening and definitely not what I needed.
I just don't know what I do now. Continue in therapy but keep my distance? Quit? Kill myself?
I really don't know. I guess I need to figure that out..

I really don't know what to do and I hate this frantic, desperate feeling.

When is your next session? By "response," I assume you mean e-mail or text. So maybe she didn't mean it as you read it? Maybe talking in person would help? Hope you can get it sorted out...your T seemed like a really good fit for you.

Two and a half hours till I see you. I feel sick. I don't know why I'm so scared. I want to be there. I've chosen to be there. Logic doesn't count for much it seems.

t,

i always think when i mess up that you're going to abandon me. but you never have. sometimes i dont get it- like, what is it gonna take? am i searching for that one thing that's gonna make you say, "enough!! no more!!!!" am i trying to push you away by doing this? what do you see in me that makes you want to keep working with me?? do you really think i can overcome all of this and heal?? or are you just feeling stuck with me bc you know how attached i am to you, and how devastating it would be to me if you did leave.

i saw you today and asked you if you are mad about me using. you shook your head and said no. you reverted back to the its your life and its up to you line. i know, though, T... i know that it hurts you when i do these things. and i am sorry.

see you on thursday

me

You better say something. Don't just ignore me. Silence us the worst

Two more days until I maybe see you, if I turn up, or don't see you,if I don't.
I know I'm such a brat, but I don't know how else to show you that you hurt me by being a bit busy .

Well I don't know how I feel about that....

Sent from my SM-G920P using Tapatalk

I'm seeing you tommorow - hurrah! For the last time for two weeks - hurroo! (for that is the opposite of hurrah).

Sorry for the swearing today. I didn't know what else to say. I'll learn 3 new words by next week.

Now what do I do? Do I see you tomorrow? Do I not?

t,

i want to beat this. im not giving up and going back to drugs. i dont want to throw away all the work we have done. im so glad you arent giving up on me ... i want to show you that i do care about recovery and that im not throwing it all away!!!

me

I'm not going.
I am going.
I'm not.
I am
I don't want to.
I do want to.
No, I don't.
Why couldn't you just say you were actually worried about me and then we wouldn't be here

Whatever you did last session don't do it again, ever. Just don't.

Dear T,
Thanks for fitting me in when you had a cancellation today. You said you were concerned you wouldn't be at your best because you were sick, but you seemed good to me. You listened to my rant and sob about things from my daughter's constipation issues (including graphic details) to my H calling me "irritating" to my worries about MC back around to my fears that I'm not a good mother, which you so kindly shot down. I can tell it's hard for you to hear me say those things about myself--it's obvious you care and even love me. I wish I could just magically shut those thoughts off. I don't think you have any personal experience with anxiety/OCD/depression, at least not to the level that I do, just from what you've seen in a clinical setting. I wish I could be more like you. But for now I'll do my best to stay in the "here and now," instead of thinking about the past (and the future), like you said...
Love,
LT