Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

Dear T,

I feel a little better today.
Nights are very hard for me. The depression is so much worse at night. I should have just put myself to sleep.

Now, I feel ok and a little embarrassed I felt bad enough to reach out to you. But I still need to resolve the depression, conflict and panic that overtakes me. I need to find a way to live with the facts because this sadness and deep depression is going to happen again.

I have a (severe medical issue) How do I live with that? How do I put a happy face on that? How do I not get depressed about that? How do I put a positive spin on it? I can't imagine.

Midnight is the third deadline...can't seem to get started, and I refuse to let you in, because I want to rail and whine against grownup things. I've ignored the nice email today requesting my part that was do Monday. I can't ignore it anymore, so the deadline is of my making for myself or decide I can do this, and am a failure. I'm refusing to lean on anyone in my inner circle that I know will cheer me to the finish line. What's this all about?

Sorry I haven't responded to your emails and phone calls, but it's been that way with everyone. I'll come up for air soon.

T, I'm really sad that my next session isn't for a month. I'm happy you get to go visit your family though. But whenever I have a long break, I come back completely disconnected. Knowing this is making me want to not go on my vacation so I can see you sooner. I'm afraid of going back after a month and not being able to do the really hard work we've been doing because I've been gone for so long...I've never hoped for a cancellation so much in my life.

To the most ex-est of all my ex Ts...

I couldn't talk back then. I need to tell you now what I could not tell you all those many years ago. I need to own my selves: to gather them up all in one place, and to tell our truth. I need to speak it; to own my voice; to take ownership of our story.

It feels like if this can be spoken to you, then it will all have come full circle; it will be complete.

I think I miss you because I feel disconnected. Probably because my last session didn't go well at all. I felt like such a burden to you, because I was in such a bad mood. I need you to say that we're okay and that you still like me. I hope you'll reply to my email soon. I feel like a needy loser every time I check my inbox, which is a lot.

New T, you will never be old T. Hurrumph. Grrr. I didn't want to talk about H today, I told you. It all makes sense to me, that isn't the most important thing for me, like you said it was, the most important thing for me is to have it make sense to someone else. Hurrumph.

Haha, grrrr, yes, anger. I am angry with you. How will I deal with it? Will I tell you? No, will I tell anyone else? No, will I let it sit with me? Not for long. Doesn't do me any good so will I ignore it like normal? I don't want to because that doesn't help either. Maybe I should tell you. I want to write it all down, every last bit of it and show you my life on paper. Will it help? Will any of it help? Maybe I am just designed to be like this. I don't need anyone else, they either hurt you or leave you anyway. I want off this f***ing rollercoaster.

And now I am angry with myself, because this is how it always goes. You didn't do anything wrong, you just aren't who I want you to be. Just talk straight to me, tell me you can't be who I want you to be. Tell me that no one can, no one should. Tell me. Aaarrrggghhh.

Dear T,
It scares me that you want to make yourself so available. Things like that have not gone well in the past. I get intense sometimes, and that makes people burn out faster...
I know you said you have never yet dropped a client because you got burnt out on them. It actually kinda makes me feel squishy and warm when you still get so mad that LK dropped me the way she did and why she did, but I still have trouble trusting that I won't be the first client you've had to drop because I became too much. Worse yet, what if you decide to retire all together because of me?
I want to curl up and hide in your little pillow fort in your office... I feel so vulnerable. I don't want to know what I've learned. I don't want it to be true. Can we please just say it's not true? Let's agree it really is just embellishments to some things that did happen, but nothing along those lines. It was all innocent...
...and please don't hate me?...
Pieces,
T.w.o.

How could you do this to me?? How could anyone in my community do this to me??????? I don't understand how cruel ALL OF YOU COULD BE. why??

Dear T,
I already messed up by emailing you right after our session. Why do I do that, ugh!?! But I have to tell you I absolutely HATE it when you reply with one or two word answers. The fact that you refuse to capitalize or punctuate your replies screams loud and clear that you are annoyed by my emailing you. I want to tell you to just not bother replying, if your responses are going to be like that. But of course I won't say anything. I am going to try really hard to not contact you until I see you next week. I feel mad at you but I know it's irrational as we just had a nice session. I feel like I can sense you rolling your eyes when you get an email from me. Like "oh, it's HER again". I'm so mad at myself for emailing.

I feel guilty that you replied to my email so late at night. I imagine your perfect family all snug in their beds, and you're dealing with crazy ol' me. You tell me that my pride is an issue because I don't reach out for help. But then I feel crazy guilty for bothering you. I can't do this much longer.

I know this probably doesn't make you feel any better, but my T doesn't capitalize anything in emails, either.

Dear T,
Thanks for writing back to my two e-mails this morning, even though you're off on Thursdays. Though I'm trying to figure out exactly what you meant with the second one--that you're saying it's healthy to be honest with my feelings if I trust someone. So you "guess I do." I assume you mean that I clearly trust MC (since that's who that e-mail was about)? So it's OK for sharing the feelings? Maybe you're trying to respond to the part where I said I probably seemed pathetic. So you're saying I was being healthy, not pathetic. No matter what I was, though, I'm still going to be nervously peering at my inbox all day.

OK, it was Jerry saying it about George (figure I'll throw a little humor in here, to lighten the mood):

Dear T,

What did you mean when you sort of suggested I not write emotional emails like the one, "I feel sad?"... Im asking because you told me you wanted to explore my sadness.
Did that email bother you? Is it hard for you to talk about death?

A few times you have suggested I draw or paint..or create something...make some kind of art to express my feelings.

Although I'm not good at it, writing is my art. Writing does that for me.

I don't sit here and force myself to be sad so I can write, if that's what worries you; I am already sad, depressed, embarrassed, happy...and writing expresses that. Writing gets that out away from me. Writing is an extension of that. Writing expresses what I'm feeling the same as a drawing or singing or shouting for joy.

MC,
Please say something...I'm sure you're busy seeing clients, but when you have your break? Or at least tonight? Please? Trying really hard to resist contacting you again...

Old T. I just don't know about this. I think I was better off before, without the knowledge that what I needed could have been provided for by you if you had been allowed. No one will ever be you and I don't know if it works with anyone else. You did well to help me out of that black hole but maybe we should have just left it there hey. Really not sure about this. I either want to go back on the drugs, pack a bag and escape to Fiji or just not be here anymore. I don't want to go on this way but I cannot see a way out at the moment and I don't trust anybody to lead me. I feel trapped and constricted yet so totally alone. This is crazy that my only outlet for all of this is a message board. I wonder if you have ever experienced that feeling in your life when you are falling down, deeper and deeper and tou are desperately searching all around you a rope, a foothold, anything to stop you from falling and there is nothing, no-one that you can trust will be there. I wonder. There are people, I know there are but I cannot trust them. The only person I ever trusted was you and now you are bing taken away from me. S*** the realisation is killing me today but I will not bother you any more. If you ask how it is going on Wednesday I will tell you truthfully that I am still incredibly unsure and that it is like being back on that rollercoaster but that the only option is to keep trying, so that is what I shall do. I can't make this better on my own, it doesn't work like that, not for me, not for this problem. I just wish that this could have been different.

t,

i texted you a cry face and you texted me a cry face

i was actually crying tho. a little.

but im not having a complete meltdown over it

im sad but im ok

me

Dear T,

I had a dream that I cried in front of you for the first time ever and gave you a hug. All out of sheer gratefulness for how genuinely caring of a person you are.

Thankful for you.

MC,
Please don't hate me for texting you...I'm just feeling horribly vulnerable right now, like I said. I don't know, maybe this is all me testing you, like we'd talked about before. Like, will you still accept me if I say that I want you to hold me while I cry? (yes) What if I say that I love you? (TBD) Even though I've said it before, that was almost a year ago, and I've been too scared to say it since because of what happened later.
I really hope it's not like you're sick or some major thing is happening in your personal life, like with your wife, and I'm here intruding and being all needy and annoying. Because then I'd feel really bad... not that I'd have any way of knowing that of course.

I hope it's just, you meant to write me back and haven't had the chance, or you noticed my e-mail and meant to read it later but got a phone call, or that you're trying to figure out the best way to respond and didn't want to just dash something off... I really meant the text as more of a hey...I know this might just seem like another e-mail to you and might not seem like a big deal, especially if it's something I've said once before, but it's really making me feel horribly vulnerable right now. I promise to leave you alone after this...I think all of this stuff in the past couple weeks has been me wanting to get this out and not being able to.
So, yeah, all of that.
And now I'm scared of your response. Like since I'm pushing you, are you just going to be like, "Yeah, it's fine, just like I said before" instead of giving me a more extensive response? Seriously, you can just be like, "Heading to bed now, will read and respond tomorrow" or "Sorry, will read later." And that's enough for now. Or even if you don't get back to me in any way tonight, but do in the morning.

And hey, I figure I get at least a bonus point or two for working a Seinfeld reference in!

And now you responded and I wish I hadn't said anything to begin with...
Or maybe I misunderstood what you said, I don't know. F***

Dear G, so it feels like a lifetime since I saw you last in February. It's been such a whirlwind with my new job and the twists and turns that has taken. And we had such a big scare with my mom. We found out a few weeks ago that she has a blood clot on her lung, and then a week later she was back in the hospital with her pulse at 47. She almost passed out and had to be given something to bring her heart rate back up. That morning my dad called me around 7 to ask me to go to their house and turn off the stove, because in his rush to get my mom to the hospital he had left a pot on the stove with the burner on. I arrived to the whole first floor filled with smoke, took the burnt pot outside, and then rushed to the hospital and stayed there until my mom got discharged. Only you, G, would understand what all this means to me and how hard it's been. I wish I could talk to you about all of this. I miss you so much. And now my brother-in-law has a 9 cm mass on his adrenal gland, another on his lung and another on a lymph node. The "C" word has been brought up, but we are still waiting for test results. But cancer or no, he has to go to Vancouver to have the mass on his adrenal gland removed, which is a risky surgery. I started crying at work one day and couldn't stop. And now I am stuck working with the school age children until my ECE Assistant certificate comes in the mail, and it's taking forever for it to be processed. I just miss you so much G, and I wish you could hug me and hold me in your arms.

How could you treat someone so badly? Are you just another bully in disguise?

Hugs LT

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