Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

LOVE your poem, Echos!

I hope you don't mind, I have saved it.

You know when you asked is there anything I need? I almost said yes, you.

hey t. i say we just don't include those sessions on my receipts. wouldn't that work? i still want to see you for energy work. let's figure this out. k?

I'm too much for everyone.

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FM,

I got the most beautiful email from my boss/collaborator ever and it is bringing rewards big time. I almost forwarded the email to you, and then called you, and realized I really didn't want to at this moment. I'm with my best friend, and we read it together, but she is on a earlier time clock than me and I couldn't share much about it tonight, but that was enough for me. I'll share my good news, that includes you, when I get home. Just now, I saw a text from AW that said we'll celebrate after she finishes work tomorrow. The modern dance performance was beautiful. I'm glad I got to see them in their purity.

Things have changed here... This can be gone too.

Thanks guys, and no worries pre

There was a change today. usually it feels like me sitting here and you sitting there, but today there a squishiness between us a sense of not knowing where I ended and you began. Will I be brave enough to tell you? It felt awkward but comfortiing at the same time. I wanted to fight it but give in to it. A strange session, maybe thats why it went a bit awry?

Thank you! I love William Blake's songs of innocence and experience. Gennis

Old T. I don't want to leave you. Actually that isn't how I see it, you are leaving me in my mind. I know and amgrateful that you said it was important because of the past that I didn't feel abandoned by you because that isn't what I'd happening but try telling the seven year old in me that. I dreamt of you last night. I dreamt that we had a session but it was at a party and New T was there. You spike to her and realised that it wasn't right for me and then you came back and said that you would keep looking for someone who was right and that in the meantime we would continue.

How am I to know what is right? I can not trust myself to make this decision. Sometimes I think it is right and sometimes I think it couldn't be more wrong. Do I even need to do this? I don't need anyone else in life and no one else needs me. If I stay alone then life is OK so I don't need to do this. But we both know that I don't mean that, it is just a way of reasoning with myself.

Please don't make me do this on Wednesday, I am not ready. I thought I was but in reality I don't think I ever will be. It just isn't fair.

New T. I am curled up under my big red blanket cuddling my teddy bear. Will you ever come and find me and ask if you can join me?

T,

Can't wait for u to test my drug free peeeeeeeeee

I have stayed strong.

Me

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Dear MC,
Nervous to see you today. Again. Though I'm sure I'd be exponentially more nervous if we hadn't talked on Friday.

Im so confused. I still don't know what to do.

T I'm still feeling the warmth from my session over the weekend. I'm glad for you that your updated profile is getting responses. I'm glad that intense feeeeeling stuff is over (for now, of course. I won't pretend it's gone forever. I ain't no dummy.) and I'm glad i felt so open and said all the stuff i needed to. Especially about how important our relationship is to me. Thanks t.

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I want to call you but I'm so tired

I have more stuff to tell you about the way I feel towards you. It feels like a phase that maybe I need to go through in therapy, this attachment, but I worry you'll tire of it, or tire of me. I want you to like me, I don't want you to be sick of me, and I know it's counterproductive and I need to be authentic etc etc, but there's some conflict about being so honest with you about how much I'm thinking about you and how much I'm googling you that it makes you uncomfortable and sorry you have me as a client.

Dear MC,
I'll likely e-mail you later tonight anyway, but not sure I'll say all of this...I suppose session went well enough today despite discussing the whole L-word thing. But I feel like I was detached or something. And kinda like you were too? You did check the number on your phone when it rang, so maybe something is going on in your personal life or with one of your clients? I'm just used to leaving with that warm, fuzzy feeling, and I wasn't feeling that today. But maybe it was just that I was kind of shut down, trying to protect myself from hurt and trying not to share any more of my feelings? I miss that feeling...hope we can get it back next week.

And what was up with you not shaking hands at the beginning? At least you did at the end, but I could only conclude that it had to do with the love thing. But maybe it was just that you were running late. Though less late than usual...I dunno. Just feeling a little sad...

t,

this morning i sent you that text where i just said omg f***. you sent back' just what i was thinking'. it made me laugh. my omg **** wwas bc i was having thoughts about using. i didnt think you would reply to it. but when you did it helped me realize that i dont need to use drugs. my reasons are: i dont want to upset you. i dont want to steal from my mom. i dont want to be on drugs (i have 2 brains, addict brain and logical brain. they both want different things). i would feel bad about what i did and the high wouldnt even be that good casue of all the bad feelings.

so anyway just wanted to say thanks for your text even tho you didnt know you were helping me out...

see you tomorrow

me

Ummm T, i feel bad, but there is NO WAY you will ever get me to talk about sex with you. i will never figure this out, i have a feeling

hey t, did you notice me gazing longingly at the sand tray by the door as I walked out the other day? I didn't notice it when I came in, but the way the sand was just sitting there all manicured (looking like you'd combed it) and so perfectly damp and mold-able, made me wish we could extend my session so I could dig my hands in and create. Next time - I'm doing sand tray and I'm going to start it before I even sit down! So sayeth I!
I love you,
me

Attachment, Transference and Boundaries

Dear T,

I wish one of my T's had explained "attachment", "transference" and "boundaries" when I was in my 20's, 30's and early 40's. Learning about boundaries was SO important. I was married, then divorced, yet attached to T's. I was feeling guilty and confused. I sense some T's tired of me.

Hey, I didn't know about this stuff. The average client doesn't know about this stuff. I didn't know the words to ask about those feelings. I didn't realize it was even a "thing." I felt foolish.

Now I'm kinda mad about it. All those T's could have helped me with it. And, there were a LOT of T's. Surely they knew what was going on. All those T's...and no help with this. I feel I needed to have some kind of understanding of attachment and transference when it happened- before we could deal with depression, anxiety, childhood and marriage issues. Transference and attachment feelings-- they got in the way of making progress with those more current, real-life issues!

I wish my T and I had explored this more in my later 40's, too. At least that T started teaching me about transference...and boundaries. None of the previous T's had said much about boundaries. And, I don't think we talked about "attachment" much in my 40's now, looking back.

I didn't know to ask about attachment until my 60's.

Now, looking back, all you previous Ts...even the well-meaning T's...you ****ed up. And it hurt me. It set me up for the malevolent T's...because I didn't know!

You are very patient. Thank you for that. I thought we would sit in silence for an hour but that piece of paper helped, though maybe not in the way you were expecting.

8 days. 8 long days until you are back. And then you will be back and I won't be able to talk when I want to; the joys of the push and pull. I'm so confused and overwhelmed.

Yeah. The push-pull thing sucks eggs.

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MC,
It's been almost 24 hours, and I don't regret the e-mail I sent you. I know you'll probably be reluctant to respond, based on how I reacted last week, and might want to just talk in session. And maybe I should have been more specific about what I wanted from you, instead of talking about my questions that I probably don't want answers to. And I know I said I just wanted a response by next session. But, if you could write something in the next few days, that would be awesome. And like something real, not just "thanks for saying this" or "everything you said is OK" or "all my clients are special to me in their own way." Talk like you, not a T. Even if you're worried about my reaction. (Of course I want you to say certain things, but I doubt you would.)

And I hope we can feel connected again next session. I missed that yesterday...