Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

LonesomeTonight · May 31, 2016, 08:46 PM

Dear MC,
I miss you. It made me sad walking past your dark office to go to T's. Hope we can keep the appointment Saturday. Hope you're doing OK. Hope you somehow know how much I wish I could be there for you like a friend or relative or colleague, instead of feeling stuck in this place of caring deeply about you but not able to be part of your life like those other types of people can.
Love,
LT

velcro003 · May 31, 2016, 08:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BayBrony

I quit .
That response was rather eye opening and definitely not what I needed.
I just don't know what I do now. Continue in therapy but keep my distance? Quit? Kill myself?
I really don't know. I guess I need to figure that out..

Quote:

Originally Posted by BayBrony

I really don't know what to do and I hate this frantic, desperate feeling.

I hope everything is ok!

BayBrony · May 31, 2016, 09:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by velcro003

I hope everything is ok!

Thank you
Very not OK and I don't understand because my T is usually not so cold.
But I just want to quit

May 31, 2016, 09:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by junkDNA

t,

i want to beat this. im not giving up and going back to drugs. i dont want to throw away all the work we have done. im so glad you arent giving up on me ... i want to show you that i do care about recovery and that im not throwing it all away!!!

me

JunkDNA, you can do this. You might slip and have setbacks but what's important is how you aren't giving up.

Jun 01, 2016, 05:15 AM

I have all the time in the world to devote to you and our relationship. You need help and I'm going to do everything in my power to see to it that you get the help you need.

Jun 01, 2016, 07:59 AM

Sorry the session was so disjointed, wasn't really in the headspace. It's a shame when I'm not going to see you next week.

WrkNPrgress · Jun 01, 2016, 09:35 AM

Dear T,

Wish I could talk to you sooner rather than later but I think you'd be proud of me. I'm taking good care of myself and reaching out to people. Not isolating. Not repressing. It still sucks but ... I'm getting there. Today, today I love myself. There I said it.

Now if I could just focus at work... got any advice for that?

dj315 · Jun 01, 2016, 12:16 PM

I can't write these stupid "letters" to my dad. I don't want to drag these feelings out and look at them. We've been looking at them for a long time. I know--I can't believe that people accept me as I am very well if I can't accept my own emotions, wah wah wah. I bet you're pretty proud of yourself for thinking of that one (and you did absolutely hit the nail on the head). It just hit a nerve for some reason.

junkDNA · Jun 01, 2016, 12:23 PM

t,

deprest

me

Waterbear · Jun 01, 2016, 01:19 PM

Dear T, thanks for your honesty. That is the kind of communication that I was talking about so thank you. Problem is it didn't sound very promising. "We can discuss this a little more tomorrow so you have clarification of how I work" sounds like you can't offer what it is both me and old T think I need and what was beginning to work. I hope that I do get clarification and that I can make a decision, though what I really want is for you to say that you will work in the way that is best for me. What would I do if you continued to say that I need to become my own good mother? I will tell you what that is lime for me to hear that. I know it won't work, it hasn't so far. I need you to show me how to do it, i want you to show me how to do it. Old T agreed that it would help. I refuse to get on my hands and knees and beg but I will certainly be tempted. You were my last choice of T. I don't know what I would do. Get back in my box and hide probably. Oh boy oh boy oh boy, this is tough.

Chummy2 · Jun 01, 2016, 04:31 PM

Dear old Pdoc,

You were in my dream last night. You were in a big room, some short of sleep hall. Full of beds and dubble beds. I was in a top bed. You were in single bed, close to other beds. It was dark but I could see. I was watching you. Or actually spying on you. I was carefull for you not to see me. You were half covered by a blanket. I wanted to see your body. You slowly kicked the blanket to your feet. You laid there all naked. I watched your body. So...hot. I wanted to see everything. I looked at your eh..thing. It looked good, I thought.

That's what I remembered. I felt uncomfortable thinking about that dream. Maybe because you didn't worn underwear? It's weird to not wear that when you sleep in a room full of other people. My mind keeps going to that dream. It gives me such an uncomfortable feeling.

Chummy2 · Jun 01, 2016, 04:35 PM

Dear current-T,

Tomorrow another session. I don't feel like going. I don't know what to talk about, though there's so much not going alright.

Cinnamon_Stick · Jun 01, 2016, 04:55 PM

I miss you. I have been listening to our past sessions and wishing I was back there with you. What a gift that I have a years worth of sessions recorded that I have forever. Your voice will always be my favorite. So calming and soothing. You were a blessing, I just hope this grief and the intense longing I have for you gets better with time.

Waterbear · Jun 01, 2016, 06:03 PM

Would you ask me to start speaking to you in Russian but tell me that I was not allowed to see or hear any first, that I should just learn how to do it? Most people have had people in their past who told them good things, those voices became their own. I don't have that, only a few months worth of old Ts voice to rely on. I don't know how to speak Russian and I can't learn if I am never allowed to hear or see any.

Waterbear · Jun 01, 2016, 06:49 PM

Its OK T, I don't want to do this anyway. Its fine. We are fine. 7 hours and counting. I really should try and get some sleep.

bterrier · Jun 01, 2016, 08:40 PM

Dear T

You cancelled our appointment today. Is it because you talked to one of my old Ts. She thought I lied to her and wouldn't work with me anymore. You probably think I am lying because I won't give you access to my health records. You don't trust me and that hurts. I guess it's time for me to stop therapy. I guess I can be too much. I wish I had my last T back-her I could trust. I don't feel that bond with you and can't truly open up with you. I think I'm done with all this crap. It's not making me better and according to others I'm not sick I'm just in it for attention. Hurts that is how my family feels about me

velcro003 · Jun 01, 2016, 08:43 PM

Trigger Warning for talk of self-harm

Sigh. Is it SO STUPID of me to cut tonight just because i was so bored and restless and didn't want to do anything else? Reading, i can't do that ALL NIGHT. Watching TV, i only allowed it after I cut. Internet? Can not entertain me for more than 20 minutes at a time. I mean, its better than me drinking i think. Though if bourbon was in the house....yep...

Jun 01, 2016, 09:19 PM

Possible trigger:

t, i want you so much right now. that horrible feeling of wishing everyone had just let me die back in 2009 when I tried to is back full-force this evening because I am so stressed about everything and nothing and life is too hard and if I had died back then, I wouldn't be trying to negotiate this stuff. And the really stupid thing, t, is that not any one of the things going on is a big deal at all. Put together though, I feel like I can't handle it. I want you. And I won't let myself call you because I can't afford weekly sessions, even though that is clearly what I need at the moment. And h is constantly breathing down my neck to quit as it is, only coming twice a month. And HE is the biggest part of my stress. I ****ing hate him right now. I want a divorce. Or to have died in 2009. I don't know which I want more. I hope no one reads this. I just had to get it out somewhere before it eats me up inside. Where is my wine? There is not enough drunk in the ****ing WORLD for how I feel right now. I don't want to die, but I wish I was already dead. I suppose I really should share this information with you. But you see, I can't. Because I can't let myself call you. So I will drink wine until I pass out on the couch. If ****ing hate my husband. I ****ing hate my life. Why didn't he just let me die? WHY?! WHY???!!! he's such an ***, if he hates me so much, why did he not let me GO?! WHYEHYWHYEHYWHYWHYWNYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWY

velcro003 · Jun 01, 2016, 09:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by artemis-within

Possible trigger:

t, i want you so much right now. that horrible feeling of wishing everyone had just let me die back in 2009 when I tried to is back full-force this evening because I am so stressed about everything and nothing and life is too hard and if I had died back then, I wouldn't be trying to negotiate this stuff. And the really stupid thing, t, is that not any one of the things going on is a big deal at all. Put together though, I feel like I can't handle it. I want you. And I won't let myself call you because I can't afford weekly sessions, even though that is clearly what I need at the moment. And h is constantly breathing down my neck to quit as it is, only coming twice a month. And HE is the biggest part of my stress. I ****ing hate him right now. I want a divorce. Or to have died in 2009. I don't know which I want more. I hope no one reads this. I just had to get it out somewhere before it eats me up inside. Where is my wine? There is not enough drunk in the ****ing WORLD for how I feel right now. I don't want to die, but I wish I was already dead. I suppose I really should share this information with you. But you see, I can't. Because I can't let myself call you. So I will drink wine until I pass out on the couch. If ****ing hate my husband. I ****ing hate my life. Why didn't he just let me die? WHY?! WHY???!!! he's such an ***, if he hates me so much, why did he not let me GO?! WHYEHYWHYEHYWHYWHYWNYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWY

Oh man Art. I read every word, and am so sad for you

Of those two options, i hope you know which one to pick. YOu have come SO FAR in therapy. Why are you letting yourself restrict if you need therapy once a week? Just because your H is a stupid a-hole about it? How 'bout you tell him "Too effing bad, i am going weekly, deal with it!" haha, i suppose that isn't how you should relate in a marriage...but seriously, he doesn't seem to get it, and i'm sorry.

For what its worth--i am glad you are still alive.

Jun 01, 2016, 09:56 PM

Do you think it's a good idea to continue placating someone who has figured out your game plan? Someone you have insulted previously? Someone who has had enough and can see it coming a mile away?

Let me know how that works out for you because I find it very upsetting (maybe that was your intention to upset me?). Of course it was, I'm not your favorite client am I? Gee, I wonder why??

dj315 · Jun 01, 2016, 10:02 PM

Summer weather and too much alone time is so bad for my anxiety. And since my mom isn't talking to me, I have no one to call when I'm on the verge of panic. She's the one who is always able to calm me down and my dad's made her lose her freaking mind. I want to call you. But I can't (and would never do that to you).

I wish I could stop being so afraid to talk to a friend when I'm like this.

Jun 01, 2016, 10:14 PM

Why did YOU bring her into this?? You had NO RIGHT and SHE had NO RIGHT!!

How about I show up at your family outing? How about I invade YOUR PERSONAL SPACE by showing up at your favorite coffee shop? How would YOU FEEL????

Jun 01, 2016, 10:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sizzlestik

How about I show up at your family outing? How about I invade YOUR PERSONAL SPACE by showing up at your favorite coffee shop? How would YOU FEEL????

^^^That's what YOU BOTH DID TO ME and WORSE!! YOU think you're better than I am?? You think YOUR LIFE IS MORE WORTHY?? YOU think you deserve to take everything away from me?? HOW DARE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've never met anyone more MISERABLE THAN YOU TWO!! Imagine choosing one client over another because one is prettier. Imagine stealing your friends therapist behind her back. Imagine having someone uninvited show up at your family picnic in the park - no laws against it. You can't do anything about it. Oh well........

junkDNA · Jun 01, 2016, 10:56 PM

t,

tongiht was so ****ed up at work. i held back tears for like 3 hours. i was on the verge of just leaving. i was convinced iw ould be fired on friday. some lady wrote a scathing review on the store survey website, and then called corporate. she got home and her sour cream was not with her. it was left at the store. i was the one who answered her call, i was NICE TO HER. SHE was the rude one and cut me off and said "I AM NOT HAPPY I WANT TO TALK TO A MANAGER" so i said ok one sec and called the manager. THATS ALL I DID and yet she had to say i was a ***** to her on the phone. she pretty much blasted everyone, the manager, the cashier. and bc she contacted corporate i had to write a statement abt what happened. and i got so scared i would b fired even tho i did nothing wrong. i almost gave up T i almost walked out. i thought whats the ppoint anymore. i wanted to cry and leave and never go back. i really dont know what kept me there... i ended up texting the main boss and asked him if i was gonna get fired over this. after an hour he texted me and said no ones getting fired. he said some other things... i felt better after he reassured me.

im home now and i still feel so stressed out. i cant do this anymore T i cant be around people any more. they are hateful, rude, and out to destroy others. i dont GET IT.!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am losing my mind at this job. its going to kill me. i never want to leave my bedroom again.

me

Jun 02, 2016, 01:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Waterbear

Would you ask me to start speaking to you in Russian but tell me that I was not allowed to see or hear any first, that I should just learn how to do it? Most people have had people in their past who told them good things, those voices became their own. I don't have that, only a few months worth of old Ts voice to rely on. I don't know how to speak Russian and I can't learn if I am never allowed to hear or see any.

Waterbear, I just want to say I really relate. I really hope you can find a T who does some form of "limited reparenting"

Menu

Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

My Support Forums