Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

T,

The vulnerable child me loves you. But you're not family and you'll never be family as much as I wish you were family.

You were in my dreams last night. Somehow even an imagination of you was able to comfort me. I miss you.

Oh the ambivalent attachment towards you is almost tangible today. "I want to see you right now"/"I don't want to see you at all" and repeat.
I think it's a defence against missing you when I don't see you next week.

I can't stop thinking about your look you give me. That gentle frown, which can appear caring but sad, and always makes me feel like I'm held in safe arms I'd never experienced before. It tears me up so much to think that we'll part our ways so soon. I can't deal with this.

Hey t I woke up this morning with a vague notion of having dreamed about you last night. I don't recall the dream at all, though. Oh well, I'll see you in a week anyway!

I'm really cute aren't I? heehee What I mean by that is - I was thinking yesterday that I haven't been doing any therapy-workings since I was there last, but that is of course so not true. I'm always doing therapy-workings, it's so a part of who I am, that whole thing I went through the other night where I felt so bad and what I said about 2009? That was therapy-workings too - very raw, very basic, but therapy-workings nonetheless, wasn't it?! And do you want to know why I say that? Because I was letting myself FEEL my FEELINGS, full-force, not cramming them down, I was feeling them bad boys. And I shared them here on the dear t thread, and by extension with the folks here who read it, and isn't that we've been working on me learning - how to let myself feel what I feel, and share those feelings, and then let them go - yeah. That's what my work has been about. And that's exactly what I did. I left myself feel the abysmal feelings, I got them out and shared them with people who understand, and then I let them go. Beautiful. You have taught me well, oh wise one. I you.

I never said thank you for this, and I'm sorry for that. So I say it now - thank you from my heart.
I learned some good stuff through that little episode.

Thank you again for being there and for your response!

Dear T,

I understand you don't want me to use extra energy getting the sequence of events in the right order.

If the sequence of events is not important for you to know me...not important to get you to get closer to the "fire"...(the trauma)

Then it must be important for me. I feel strongly about this.

If I omit a sequence or mix them up....it turns my account into a different story- not mine at all. Even after all these years, I am processing and discovering nuances I had not thought of before. I am even discovering new facts.

I am still processing what happened to me.
----

I forgot, I need help knowing what to do to get me out of a flashback when it becomes too much.

Dear PrevT,

"I feel so horribly alone.
In trying to help T understand how I feel/how I felt, I learned that no one can know how I feel no matter how I try to explain it. It didn't happen to them. It happened to me.

I have screwed up my life making bad choices, not having a backbone, not stepping up to be a leader for my daughter. DD is right, it's all my fault.

I should never have moved to (state) I wouldn't have met AbusiveDoc1 or AbusiveDoc2. I could have been emotionally present for my daughter. I could have helped myself. I could have helped her."

PrevT responded:

"I understand…AND, for what it is worth, you have had times when you made a number of excellent decisions, had backbone, and been a leader for your daughter..."

T,

You really did help me so much. The obsession has lessened a lot and I feel much more "normal". Most of the time I see who she really is. Thank you.

That being said, I still have days where I feel the old pain. Today, for example, we were at a social event together. We were sitting next to each other for three hours. I so badly wanted to touch her and to have her hold me. I felt so hurt when at the end of the event, she seemed to be in a hurry to leave to meet her daughter. I wish I was the most important thing in her life (I know how irrational that is). I miss her so much right now. Sometimes I want to be with her all the time, even though I do much better when I have some distance. Also, you clearly showed me that even if in some alternate universe I could make that a reality, I wouldn't be happy with that situation. I feel like this is never going to go away as long as she is in my life. Hope I'm wrong.

Dear T, I think I might have overdone it today. I don't know what is going on, or do I? I think I might be scared to admit the truth because I know it has consequences which I am not in a position to deal with right now. I wish he hasn't come home in a way but I know he will be going away again soon and I can get back to dealing with the first job on the list. Me.

I was feeling good, especially after you emailed confirming you did say we can keep working on everything and that we can play games next session, just for the fun. I will get back to that place, journalling now to keep on track, just shouldn't have pushed the social side of life too much too soon. People just don't understand how hard it is.

See you soon. Me

T,

You asked me if I felt paranoid and said I was acting a little paranoid. I hadn't realized it til you said that and then I was like ohh yeh. Sorry

Me

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Remember that pic I showed you of my 14 year old self and you were struck by the hostility in my eyes?
I have an unfathomable sense of my teenage self right now. I feel hostility towards the world, towards you, towards myself. It's like I'm right back there in that picture. Is this because I'm not seeing you next week?

Dear MC,
I have to admit, I was worried when we got to the office a few minutes before our start time, and the door was locked. Like, seriously, did you forget about us??? Should have known you were just running late, as usual! (Thanks for texting back so quickly though.)

Felt kinda nervous at first seeing you for the first time in almost 3 weeks, afraid the connection wouldn't be there and stuff (especially because it felt a bit weird the last time we saw you, right after I'd dropped the L-bomb). But after a little bit, I realize it was OK, the connection was still there. And apparently I felt safe enough to start crying over something we were talking about, my health stuff. Partway through, I started feeling weird about it, like, *****, you're dealing with health stuff with your wife that's probably much more serious, and I'm going on about this, and it either seems like nothing to you or is making you think of that...It felt like you really heard me though, especially when you finally seemed to realize it wasn't about the particular test, that it was about me wanting to feel like there was something "legitimate" wrong with me. I was actually thinking of that same word right before you said it. It felt like you understood, and that you also understood H's perspective, too, because you said you'd been there.

Do you know what's really weird? There were a couple times where I was like, "Oh, he took his glasses off" (like you do on occasion), and then I realized that you hadn't. I guess your eyes were just connecting with me so intensely then that it seemed like you weren't wearing them. Which probably sounds silly,...but it just felt like you were really present. And caring.

I know you said you weren't coming into the office just for us...but there wasn't anyone just before us and no one waiting when we left (and we started late, plus you kept us for extra time), so...maybe you had someone else coming later? Or someone canceled? Either way, thanks for coming in. And for still planning to see us this Monday too.

Love,
LT

T,

You post publicly on your social media on autism and mental health because those are your passions as a clinical psychologist. But LGBTQ? Not a peep. Do we not matter?

I know I'm probably projecting my issues because you have self-disclosed that you have LGB friends...

t,

please text me.

me

You don't see me. Nobody sees me.

Not long now. I wonder what games we can play. Time to start this I think. I know you said that knowing the real you wouldn't be helpful and I couldn't agree more but I might try to ask you a few questions, all fairly innocuous but I think it would help. I want to tell you that my Mum wasn't a bad person and I feel odd saying things about her. This us another of those vicious circles, I just don't know where to start, maybe we could figure that out.

I want to tell you about my experiences of counselling when I was younger too, it has been on my mind. I want to say I didn't like what you said last week when you said I was on my own. I don't want to be on my own, I can't do it on my own. Haven't I got you?

Oh, and two months ago you said that the room we are in is only temporary and that we would be in the other room soon. Your idea of soon and mine are clearly quite different. I want to ask you about that too. That will be quite enough for this week I think.

Miss you, see you soon.

T,

Thnx for the text. I sent u an email practically begging you to help me quit these drugs. I've been using more. I want to stop but I dont know how.... I'm taking you up on an offer you made a month ago. I can't do this anymore T

Me

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T
Is it you or is it me?

T,

I really need you right now. I reached out to two friends and I still don't know what to do.

I feel like things are going downhill. I'm really struggling, and I need to make a decision about this life transition. Problem is, I'm completely stuck in emotion-mind, and I know I shouldn't make any important decisions when I'm feeling this way. But I honestly don't have time to wait until I'm more rational. Which is why I need you, T. I need you to be the rational, but non-judging person you have always been.

I have made such amazing progress, and this past year has been a testament to my hard work. But I feel like I've been holding in all these feelings, and now, at a time when it's typical to be stressed, I'm exploding.

What should I do, T? How do I go about this rationally? I'm tempted to contact family, but I pretty much know exactly how that conversation would go, and I know it would make me feel infinitely worse. It's not just that I want to prove I can do things on my own (yes, that's part of it), but you and I both know it wouldn't be helpful to involve them. Right?

T, I'm hoping we can chat tomorrow. But will that be too late? I think it might.

What do I do, T? What do I do???

Healing, can you do the thing where you list pros and cons? Sometimes that helps me get to wise mind.

Hi Echos! I love your posts...I see you

Thank you. Yes, I made a list. I just don't know where to go from there.

T,

Is bruises from physical punishment abuse?

Pdoc said bruises were common in our culture during that time, twenty odd years ago. I know he got punches to the face as he was growing up. He said nowadays people report if there's a mark, but he didn't say if bruises are abuse or not.

Do you have to decide tonight?