Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

I'm not your t, but yes, bruises are abuse.

agree, you are very supportive, Echos

Oh T
There's a very young, scared, confused part of me that just wants to climb into your lap right now, and hear you say that I'm safe.

OF ALL THE EMAILS NOT TO ANSWER. It's like you think you have a weekend or a life or something. :P

Thank you so much for the great session today! I finally felt like we were connected again. I especially liked it when you said, "We" even though it was meant as, "We as women" You made me very comfortable talking about a difficult subject and the more that we talk the easier it is.

Dear T,
I really wanted a hug today. And last session. And the one before that. I just really wish I could hug you.

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Dear t, I will miss you when you are gone away, a month is a long time and I wish so much hadn't happened in iur last two sessions, seems almost unbearable to be left alone right now! You asked if I had someone to talk to ans I lied and said I did nit I really don't and I feel isolated and lonely already and you haven't even left the country.

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Yes, even despite the cultural "norm."

UGH, T. I AM SO ANGRY. SO SO ANGRY. I don't think i've ever left your session so angry before, with such a curt "bye," and letting the outside door slam behind me as i left.

like i said, i REFUSE to believe what i talked to you about tonight constitues as "sex." Refuse.

I am so angry. NOt at you. At me. I wouldn't even pet or talk to my cat when I came home. I don't deserve his comfort.

I wish i had never talked about this.

Thanks for your support everyone

Dear T, okay, turns out you were right. I wish I had the faith in me that you have. Thank you.

I woke up this morning in a much better, calmer place, and I feel confident with my original decision again. I am eager to share the good news with T later this week.

Thank you for the support, Kecanoe, it really means a lot.

Hey t. Just had another epiphany of sorts. Does accepting my own shadow, open the way for me to accept other people's shadows as part of them as well?!?! Huh. Something like that could lead to forgiveness on a whole 'nother level...

T,

I'm sorry tonight didn't work out. But, I am very excited to share positive news with you later this week.

Yes, I got very stressed. I emailed you a few times more than usual. I posted online when I wanted to email you even more. (I'm forever grateful you suggested I look into the forums years ago. They are just what I need). I thought everything was going downhill. I thought I might end up on the couch permanently again, or worse. I cried a lot. I called my friend and debated life choices. I was a little more needy than I'd like to be, but I reached out.

I also reached out to a new friend. I was terrified to do that, as you know. I didn't want to open the floodgates and ruin that relationship. Yes, I sent her some needy and negative texts. But I don't think I ruined anything. She left me a voicemail, sent texts, and generally behaved as a friend would. I'm glad I reached out. It helped, and I was able to resist further emotional explosion.

I worked on being grateful, especially when times were tough. I was able to be proud of my small, and big, accomplishments.

I know things will still be hard. But I feel like I got through a tough couple of days better than I would have expected. I feel capable and confident. I feel like I will truly be ok, even when things are hard. I will need to remind myself of these feelings the next time things get hard (which very well may be tomorrow).

T, thank you for your text tonight. I know it was only related to scheduling, but I felt you caring. I am really looking forward to sharing with you.

Thank you T.

Hugs to you!

MC,
I hope you're not mad at the e-mail I just sent you (I know, you'll say you're not mad or annoyed or anything, but still...) I know I'm prying way too much. I know I'm being too needy. The stuff with you having to cancel a couple times recently just emphasized the differences between the therapy relationship and a more typical relationship, like friendship or a colleague. It's like I simultaneously feel very close to you, but am also very much on the outside of your life. Even though you disclose much more than a typical T. I care about you so much that I wish I could be there for you the way you're there for me. Instead I'm on the outside, wondering what's happening, feeling helpless. I'm thinking that's why I was so upset after today's session. Because the one on Saturday felt kind of intense, and maybe I just assumed something would come up today about why you had to cancel a couple times. Maybe I wanted to bring that up, or just assumed it would come up organically, but it just seemed like the session was over so quickly. (Granted, you did keep us considerably longer on Sat.)

I'm not sure how I want you to respond to my e-mail. Maybe just to say you understand, that yes it's difficult, that you appreciate my caring, that it's OK to pry (you can just choose whether or not to respond). And that your wife has something other than ALS, which is what my brain pegs as worst-case scenario. Because I don't want you to have to go through that.

Love,
LT

T, I don't understand why you are so kind, or so tolerant, or so accepting.
The hurting ones wrap your words around them like a blanket, and hold tight.

T, i literally had to swallow my rage tonight.

I hate me, but i don't even know why.

Please don't hate your self! I've been in hard places similar to that. My journal has been a place of peace and freedom from some of those places. Don't know if you do journal, but just wanted to put that here.

When I'm in a place like that, I sit down and just write whatever comes to my mind. No editing. I just write what I hear. When I go back and read it, sometimes I'm amazed at what came out.

Don't know if that applies here, but just wanted to share what helps me in those places.

I hope you feel better.

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Do you ever wonder what question I would ask you, if I was given one question you had to answer truthfully?

Well, the question would be: 'What lists do you have about me'? I bet they are plentiful.

Id love to know what you would ask me

T,

thank you. for the hug. and calling my mom. i appreciate it so much. i love you

me

Dear T,
Our session felt kind of weird today. I went in with stuff I wanted to talk about, but then couldn't really bring any of it up, though I tried at the end. But you ended things kind of abruptly, saying we had to stop. I guess that's what I get for mentioning how the session with MC had seemed short yesterday, but it was probably because he kept us longer Saturday. So you were trying to stick to your boundaries. Sent you an e-mail with some of what was in my head that I couldn't bring up. And, reluctantly, sent you a copy of the e-mail I sent MC last night. Kind of afraid of what you'll say to that. Really, to any of my e-mail. You'll probably just be like, "Those are some good thoughts, let's discuss next week." and that it's fine what I said to MC, or like it's up to him if he wants to answer and that you understand why I care about him. But still worried. And feel like, even though a few good things came out of the beginning of the session, like maybe I wasted the second half. Kind of wanted you to push more... Maybe you were a bit scattered, too? Now I just feel kind of sad...

MC,
I hope your office was dark because you were just running late today, as usual (or had already planned to be out), and that it wasn't another family emergency thing... And sorry again for the e-mail from last night. I hope you say something back within the next couple days... (and I had T today--wasn't stalking you!)

Thanks! <3. I do have a journal, I just rarely write in it. Maybe I will give it a try tonight.

Dear T, sorry that was such a long email. For a session where not a lot happened an awful lot went on. I have a list made up for Thursday because it all seems to go right out of my head some days. Thanks for showing me the new room but I don't know how it will be going down there. You said we could always stay where we are but I think I would like to try it at least. I hope you give me some warning though, maybe I had better actually ask that one. I might send you an email now in case I forget. See you soon.

Thank you for emailing me back (and thanking me for taking the time to email you - that you appreciate me updating you feels really nice, especially because I thought you might find it annoying.)
I deeply value your faith in my ability to succeed. Even when I believed it meant you couldn't see the real me (the hopeless me). Now I see you meant it. And I love you for it. I think that love is a love for a part of myself that I still won't allow a voice.