[lifelongsojourn]

Hey everyone
I'm new here and I wanted to know if I could get some advice on something. i have deep maternal attachment to my T and it often feels so overwhelming. When we have good sessions and I feel the connection (I know therapy is more than just feeling connected to someone, but right now the attachment stuff is kind of taking over everything else), everything feels in harmony if that makes any sense. I feel so good. When we have a bad session (i.e. we argue or I just leave feeling triggered about something), my whole foundation feels like it has been shaken. T and I have talked about this and we have basically concluded this happens because she is the closest relationship I have and therefore the most "real" (as real as therapy relationships can be, that is). She feels the most real because I'm the most real with her. Anyways, I have always been super like SUPER jealous of her other clients and was wondering if anyone has any advice on how to talk myself through this one. Also, how do you hold onto the connection when you're not together? I always question the reality of the relationship and get scared it's not real or something just disappears when I leave her office. In the past, T has worn a bracelet I gave her while she went on her trip and she has hugged my favorite childhood stuffed animal. She also lets me record our sessions and gives me notes. This may all sound like overkill and perhaps fostering some dependency, but I have grown a lot and considering my history and challenges, this has all been extraordinarily helpful. I was wondering if anyone else thought these acts of caring are good ideas or if they are doing more harm than good? Also, for those who struggle with attachment, how do you maintain that feeling of connected to your therapist between sessions?

[Argonautomobile]

Hello and welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you're struggling with this--it sounds pretty intense. I found, personally, that my relationship to my T felt more secure--That I was less jealous, less worried, less obsessed--the better my life outside of therapy got. As I became closer to other people, I no longer needed to feel close to someone I could only see once a week. As I got into hobbies, projects, and meaningful work, I no longer thought about the little ups and downs of therapy.

So that would be my advice--get out there, meet different people, work on your existing, non-therapy relationships, and find something that makes you feel good and good about yourself.

Good luck!

[runlola72]

I had this same experience with my old T. I never brought it up or dealt with it in any way. Part of why I felt this way was because she was so loving and giving in therapy, and had a very sensory-rich therapy environment that was intoxicating and included incense and Tibetan singing bowls, and songs she would play. Once she played a song in session and I became obsessed with the song, and took it to mean she *liked* me. The lyrics were beautiful but a little suggestive maybe? I now can see how I completely blew that out of proportion. Anyway, I resented other clients because I wondered if all of this wonderfulness was meant just for me. I did not want to believe she shared the same meditations with other clients, and certainly did not want to believe she shared that one song. I was special, no? Eventually that therapy relationship ended when she kept raising her prices and I felt guilty not being able to pay her exorbitant fees (she did not accept insurance) . Current T does not give me much to hold onto so I feel pretty sure he is not giving other clients anything either. He's very well boundaried, and maybe that is what I need. I still feel attached, but the jealousy thing is not a factor. I have nothing to sustain me between sessions except the knowledge that I will see him again soon.

[Schizoid_1]

I am struggling with intense erotic transference. It is pure agony. I thought I had it controlled at one point but meeting her every week consistently, listening to recordings, and not having a life has brought the attachment to a whole new level. This attachment is consuming so much of my time that I consistently think about termination and I think I would soon.

[Myrto]

I'm struggling with intense maternal transference for my therapist. I'm sorry for what you're going through, I totally understand. I don't think the acts of caring from your therapist are a bad thing. To maintain the connection, I listen to the recordings of my sessions. But it's often not enough. I try to distract myself then. I agree with Argonautomobile: the more you develop your own life, your outside life, the less painful the attachment will become.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I have really struggled with intense maternal transference with my therapist. It got pretty out of control at certain points. I am sorry you are going through it. Its tough stuff. I am glad you have talked about this with your T. Keep talking to her. It helped me so much to take to my T about it over and over as much as I wanted. I was never jealous of her other clients because It made me so happy that other people were getting to have the same amazing T I had and that she was helping other people. I really struggled with maintaining that connection between sessions. My T made me a recording of her talking about what we had and that she was there even if we weren't together. She also gave me a gemstone crystal as a traditional object to help me feel that connection to her between sessions. It feels so good to have something physical that I can hold and know she was out there. I hope it gets better for you. It is normal to have these feelings.

[kecanoe]

One thing that helped me was getting a 2nd t. Didn't (and haven't) stop seeing the t I have such intense attachment with, just added another.

T gave me a teddy bear, which I like. But I haven't found anything that really helps me feel connected when I am not in session. I can text, call and email and knowing that helps some. But the thing that has helped the most is just time passing. It has gotten better.

[BayBrony]

For me, holding on to attachment between sessions has been a major challenge. This isn't just a problem for me in therapy though
.i struggle with love and attachment generally.
For me as I have grown my internal sense of being a lovable , valuable person the attachment issues have lessened. I no longer feel like I need to earn love so I can just rest in it. Also as my spirituality and understanding of healthy human behavior ( as opposed to how I was raised which was abusive) has grown I have come to believe in the Infinity of love. The more one loves the more one is capable of loving, so love is not a finite resource I need to fight for my share of. I believe my T has enough love for everyone including me.
My T has been exceptionally generous in terms of outside contact, touch, words of affection etc which for me was very helpful.in the end.
In the early stage my attachment was very painful, but I came to understand a lot of that pain was due to the unhealthy thought patterns the abuse created in me .(,for example if something made me feel loved I'd act like it didn't matter to.my T because in my experience wanting something was the fastest way to have to taken from.you forever. But then I'd be hurt that my T didn't do.the loving thing again. When I finally realized it was safe to just say " that made me feel loved..please do it again" and my T would do exactly that it was magical).
As I've worked on those false beliefs my attachment has become more nourishing and far less painful.
Also.my Ts love led me to begin believing I really was lovable and it turns out the most important key to healing is loving myself and believing u am worthy of love.
So.my therapy really has followed the "reparative experience" model they discuss in attachment therapy, and my attachment to my therapist ( and her reciprocal love) has been a key component of my healing

[lifelongsojourn]

Originally Posted by BayBrony

For me, holding on to attachment between sessions has been a major challenge. This isn't just a problem for me in therapy though
.i struggle with love and attachment generally.
For me as I have grown my internal sense of being a lovable , valuable person the attachment issues have lessened. I no longer feel like I need to earn love so I can just rest in it. Also as my spirituality and understanding of healthy human behavior ( as opposed to how I was raised which was abusive) has grown I have come to believe in the Infinity of love. The more one loves the more one is capable of loving, so love is not a finite resource I need to fight for my share of. I believe my T has enough love for everyone including me.
My T has been exceptionally generous in terms of outside contact, touch, words of affection etc which for me was very helpful.in the end.
In the early stage my attachment was very painful, but I came to understand a lot of that pain was due to the unhealthy thought patterns the abuse created in me .(,for example if something made me feel loved I'd act like it didn't matter to.my T because in my experience wanting something was the fastest way to have to taken from.you forever. But then I'd be hurt that my T didn't do.the loving thing again. When I finally realized it was safe to just say " that made me feel loved..please do it again" and my T would do exactly that it was magical).
As I've worked on those false beliefs my attachment has become more nourishing and far less painful.
Also.my Ts love led me to begin believing I really was lovable and it turns out the most important key to healing is loving myself and believing u am worthy of love.
So.my therapy really has followed the "reparative experience" model they discuss in attachment therapy, and my attachment to my therapist ( and her reciprocal love) has been a key component of my healing

Thanks for this . I have a difficult time wanting things from my T - some things she has allowed in the past, like touch and hugging my stuffed animal, but after she saw I "needed" these things to feel better, she took them away. She apparently saw I wasn't "internalizing" the love, only wanting more (she didn't offer them for a long period of time, so perhaps that internalizing would have come eventually). I have been struggling with this idea of "needing" things from my T because I am realizing she will not fulfill those needs - according to her, in order for me to heal, I need to figure out how to satisfy my needs for myself. This has been something I am really struggling with because I see others who have Ts that offer touch and other kinds of support because they need it, but my T doesn't give these things to me for that very same reason. I think sometimes I wish I wasn't so attached to her because I am really only attached to the things she took away. It is all very painful and I feel my connection to her is dying because I don't have much to hold onto anymore. She says she still cares, but she doesn't offer the same support she used to.

[BayBrony]

Originally Posted by lifelongsojourn

Thanks for this . I have a difficult time wanting things from my T - some things she has allowed in the past, like touch and hugging my stuffed animal, but after she saw I "needed" these things to feel better, she took them away. She apparently saw I wasn't "internalizing" the love, only wanting more (she didn't offer them for a long period of time, so perhaps that internalizing would have come eventually). I have been struggling with this idea of "needing" things from my T because I am realizing she will not fulfill those needs - according to her, in order for me to heal, I need to figure out how to satisfy my needs for myself. This has been something I am really struggling with because I see others who have Ts that offer touch and other kinds of support because they need it, but my T doesn't give these things to me for that very same reason. I think sometimes I wish I wasn't so attached to her because I am really only attached to the things she took away. It is all very painful and I feel my connection to her is dying because I don't have much to hold onto anymore. She says she still cares, but she doesn't offer the same support she used to.

It always hurts me when I read this kind of thing. I mean its taken me several YEARS to start to internalize my T's love. The ability to carry a sense of a loving caregiver with you is something developmentally you are supposed to learn as a toddler. If you don't learn it, its very hard to relearn as an adult. If your T withdraws support before you internalize it then I don't knowhow you build that sense of Internal love. It makes me very sad. Its a SLOW process and it seems like Ts ought to know that.

[wheeler]

I struggle with this exact same experience with my T(s). I've had this same type of reaction with all my T's that I have a connection/mother transference reactions to. Unfortunately I don't have any concrete solutions for you, although talking about it has helped, although it hasn't complete resolved it. I fear that I will struggle with it my whole life.

I just went through a really intense bout of maternal transference a couple weeks ago. I did a lot of deep work and writing (and a lot of talking about it on here!) and worked/felt my way through it. It has taken me going on 5 years with current t, though, to be able to get myself through it by relying on the stuff I have learned in therapy and 'talking' about it with all the wonderful folks here, instead of continually bothering her between sessions. Wish I had the magic words that would work for you. For me, the answer seems to be just letting myself feel the feelings and not fight them and through my writing, explore those deep feelings and where they are coming from and write it all down. And sharing here with other people who experience the same thing definitely makes me feel less like the lone ranger y'know? that helps too. And of course talking to t about it. We talk about this therapeutic relationship a lot, whenever I need to. She has so much patience with me it's amazing.

As far as the jealousy of other clients. I don't have any advice there, but I do have a kinda funny story that might lighten the moment a little. During the first year I saw t, she was in an office building and had a waiting room. One day when I went into the waiting room, I saw a clipboard on the table with her intake forms and her business card on it. My first instinct was to grab the clipboard and hurl it to the floor and stomp it into bits while chanting "MY t! MY t!" I didn't, of course. But I wanted to. I told her this little story a couple months ago after she moved back here and I started seeing her in person again. (she moved out of state after I'd seen her for a year, and we did phone sessions for going on 3 years before she moved back). We had a good laugh about it. She thanked me for admitting that to her, as well. (Incidentally, I've come a long way in that regard. From wanting to keep her all to myself, to giving her name/number to other people who have asked for a referral because they know I'm in therapy and they can see how much it has helped me.)

[lifelongsojourn]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

I just went through a really intense bout of maternal transference a couple weeks ago. I did a lot of deep work and writing (and a lot of talking about it on here!) and worked/felt my way through it. It has taken me going on 5 years with current t, though, to be able to get myself through it by relying on the stuff I have learned in therapy and 'talking' about it with all the wonderful folks here, instead of continually bothering her between sessions. Wish I had the magic words that would work for you. For me, the answer seems to be just letting myself feel the feelings and not fight them and through my writing, explore those deep feelings and where they are coming from and write it all down. And sharing here with other people who experience the same thing definitely makes me feel less like the lone ranger y'know? that helps too. And of course talking to t about it. We talk about this therapeutic relationship a lot, whenever I need to. She has so much patience with me it's amazing.

As far as the jealousy of other clients. I don't have any advice there, but I do have a kinda funny story that might lighten the moment a little. During the first year I saw t, she was in an office building and had a waiting room. One day when I went into the waiting room, I saw a clipboard on the table with her intake forms and her business card on it. My first instinct was to grab the clipboard and hurl it to the floor and stomp it into bits while chanting "MY t! MY t!" I didn't, of course. But I wanted to. I told her this little story a couple months ago after she moved back here and I started seeing her in person again. (she moved out of state after I'd seen her for a year, and we did phone sessions for going on 3 years before she moved back). We had a good laugh about it. She thanked me for admitting that to her, as well. (Incidentally, I've come a long way in that regard. From wanting to keep her all to myself, to giving her name/number to other people who have asked for a referral because they know I'm in therapy and they can see how much it has helped me.)

5 years? Wow! Part of me really hopes it doesn't take that long and the other part of me feels comforted knowing these feelings are normal. Thank you so much for your response. I have been talking to her a lot about it - that's pretty much all we talk about these days. Unfortunately, I see how she is with other clients because she leads group therapy and stuff so that has been difficult working with her under different roles and in different environments. Your clipboard story made me laugh though because it feels SO relatable. I have talked to my T a lot, but sometimes it doesn't feel like it gets any better and I wonder if talking about the attachment gives it more power, if that makes any sense. Anyways, thanks again. I have been abandoned by a therapist for this very same attachment stuff happening with her and knowing it is happening all over again with my current T is a terrifying feeling. Your story gives me hope.

[junkDNA]

I have paternal transference for my T and we've discussed that. He has shared with me that he felt the same feelings for his long term T when he was in therapy which rly helped me to know that it's ok and normal. I have been seeing my T for 6 yrs. it comes and goes. Sometimes it is very painful. I remember emailing him abt how it feels like it will never be enough, that the hole in me will always be there, yearning for a healthy dad figure. My T is very well trained in attachment and transference. I do hope that someday I can have my own internal healthy parent. I plan to work with my T for however long it takes and I know he is in it for the long run too.

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

[rainbow8]

I identify with your attachment issues too. I've had 5 Ts but my current one is the first to actually try to help me work through the attachment. She has encouraged me to be close to her and has told me how much she cares about me, even using the word "love." She has let me hold her hand in the session as a means of feeling the connection out if the session. Everything she does helps keep the connection between us.

I have seen my T for 6 years. It has taken a long time to internalize her caring and to not experience a continual longing in between sessions. I never thought I would get to that point. It's been very gradual. I think her letting me email, and answering my emails has helped a lot. She likes when.I send photos of my family and of my artwork. We have a "real relationship", she says, even though it's a professional one with limits.

I still get jealous of my T's other other clients but not as much as I used to. She seems to have enough love for all of us. If I have to think of what is most helpful in working with my attachment issues, it's that T has accepted me and never made fun of my feelings for her. She's always encouraged me to "accept my parts" and have compassion for them.

Thx for saying that, rainbow. My t's the same way accepting all of me and never makes fun of or says negative things about my feelings. Occasionally her acceptance of all of me is almost too much to take in. I'm working on accepting myself that radically.

Sent from my LG-H345 using Tapatalk