[musinglizzy]

Some are against it, I get that. Some long for it and don't get it at all. Then there are some, like me, who got comforting touch from my T. She's now stopped. I've been in a particularly low point in therapy, and the timing really sucks. She wants me to learn to comfort myself, not have her comfort me by holding/touch.

I had my first session this afternoon since finding this out (in an Email). I feel SO rejected. Angry. Depressed. I told her I felt like she reeled me in to gain my trust, then once she did, she changed the rules. Well, she's lost a lot of trust by doing that. There weren't a lot of words spoken, but she enjoyed just "being together" during my session.

I am crushed. There are things I've not yet told her but been agonizing over getting them out.... but now, without that reassurance and comfort, no thanks.

To those of you who appreciate touch in therapy, how would you handle this? I don't believe hugs are included in her new "rule," and she always hugged me at the end of every session, but I walked out before giving her the chance.

Just last week she said I'm safe, no one can hurt me anymore. I remember thinking to myself "but you can!". And wouldn't you know it, she did. She gave me a shoulder to cry on when I didn't have one. She held me while I cried. Now she took it all away. I feel pathetic for wanting it.

[notwithhaste]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've also been comforted by my T like that, and I'd feel absolutely crushed and rejected if she suddenly started withholding touch. And I think it seems even worse that she alerted you to this change via email.

I'd think that, if T is going to suggest a major change like this, for YOUR benefit, she should discuss it with you and see how you feel about it, before deciding that she knows what's best for you. That's my feeling about it. You know yourself better than anyone.

Did she seem receptive to hearing how you're feeling about this change in her behavior?

[musinglizzy]

Here's the Email she sent me. This was only after I questioned her as to why it stopped.

I appreciate your efforts to sort this out and understand it and make peace with it. This is complicated and difficult. Let me see if I can express my perspective to you in a way that makes sense. For you to allow yourself to be vulnerable and exposed in front of me is a huge leap of trust. It makes you feel all kinds of ancient, powerful, and painful emotions that you have repressed and contained for most of your life. My role in that is to try to make you feel safe, to offer you comfort and company in the pain, and to help you locate your inner strengths and resources so you can move forward in life. While of course there is a wish to be comforted as you were not at the time you were such a vulnerable child suffering abuse and neglect, and that would certainly feel wonderful, it is, in the long run, more useful to you now to be comforted as an adult and to find that you have the internal resources to comfort that child part of yourself. Touch is incredibly powerful. In the beginning of our work, I felt some physical contact was necessary to help you stay connected to me, to help you stay with the pain, to keep you connected to yourself. With that and various other things I also hoped to communicate to you that our relationship is neither casual nor formulary. It is my job, yes, but that does not mean it isn’t personal. But touch is a tricky thing. It can be confusing, it can foster unrealistic expectations about the nature of the relationship, it can pull toward regression rather than progression. So about a month ago I began trying to reduce it — hoping you would find that you could tolerate being on your own on the couch, so to speak, and that the hug at the end of the session was still there as a reminder of my care and support. At the end of the day, our goal is for you to need less from the outside world because you are fully on board to protect and care for yourself.

It is fully to be expected that you would feel rejected and angry about my change in behavior. Here you run up against the reality that there are boundaries in our relationship — that I am not actually embedded in your personal life, that I can’t meet needs that you have. Please understand, I know that you know all of this intellectually. I mean no disrespect by stating it plainly — it is the more emotional, the more regressed part of you that I’m talking to (we ALL have those). The challenge is to understand all of that, feel the disappointment, and not throw the rest away. You have worked very hard for 10 months now. You have taken huge risks, have made huge strides, have thrown yourself fully into this process.

Timing is part of the issue. I can only time things by feel. You are drawing a connection between your sharing more details of your abuse and this change, but there is no connection in my mind. I actually started easing back before that. I understand that you would make this connection because of the immense shame that you feel about these details, and your susceptibility to feeling that others would share your self loathing and disgust. Not so. Never have I admired you more than when you have talked about these things. And then gone from sharing them with me to sharing them with other people who need to know. This is magnificent. And no matter what I did or didn’t do, talking through trauma and abuse makes a person feel wretched.

I doubt I have said anything in this that you don’t know already, but I still think it is useful to lay it out. I feel privileged to work with you, I honor your struggle and your efforts, and I am very hopeful about your ability to make changes that will be reflected in your life becoming more ease less pain, more satisfaction less deprivation, more what you want it to be.

Love,
T

[JaneTennison1]

I view changes very poorly, they are almost unbearable to me so everything I say comes from a place of understanding.

I understand you would be hurt and so maybe want to withold your information as a punishment to T. The email she sent you is wonderful, I think shows an excellent amount of care and explains herself and her actions so very well. If you are able to see past your hurt and the pain of the change then you may be able to view the care and logic.

If you cannot tolerate a relationship without touch then it may be time to move by, if you can see the care she shows you and regard she has for you then you may be able to work. This is your choice but she seems to be listening very closely.

I think Jane said it very well.

[stopdog]

I would move on. They do not, in my opinion, get to unilaterally change the rules without discussion ahead of time.

[musinglizzy]

I have a problem crying in front of people, and she's helped me overcome that with her comfort. Without it, I will not let myself cry. In which case, I don't think I can move on, because there are things I've been trying to get the nerve to disclose, and haven't been able to yet. She knows I'm working on it and hasn't pushed me. But now, it will be impossible. THANK YOU stopdog, I wish she would have discussed this with me. I promised her if I ever wanted to quit, I wouldn't do so without discussing it with her first. And I stand by that promise. I wish she could be that way also.

[NowhereUSA]

Truthfully, you have the ability to walk away if you want to. That is absolutely your right. At the same time, I think it's worth considering your T's perspective and having a conversation about it. Maybe she handled it rightly maybe she didn't. I honestly can't say because I have complex thoughts on the therapeutic relationship - that is, to some extent, we go to these professionals to help teach us how to stand on our own with the crap life has thrown at us.

Nothing in life is constant. Ever. You can certainly interpret it that she reeled you in and changed the rules (bait and switch) or you can also interpret it that she has been helping you stand on your own and now thinks you can stand. And yeah, it might hurt because change requires something from within and damn if the light doesn't hurt our eyes.

If you really think she's hurting you, if you really think you can't deal with not having your therapist touch you, then okay, you can walk away. But then I think maybe you miss finding out how strong you are and how far you've come. Only you can answer that for yourself.

I recently read in a book, "We are always more afraid than we wish to be but we can always be braver than we expect."

[stopdog]

Imdon't see it as their right to change things unilaterally. I don't need anything from a therapist. I have a way in which the woman is useful, but my life goes on without her. I object to their arrogance when they pull these sorts of tricks.

[bounceback]

She sounds invested in you and caring. I wouldn't give up on her. There is some truth to learning to comfort ourselves. They aren't going to be around to do it for us. I think she should have discussed it with you in person though. You know she still cares because she hasn't taken away the hug at the end of the session or the email. In some ways you are really lucky. I had something like this happen so I can kind of understand how you feel.

Although her email and explanation was thoughtful, she was incredibly careless in how she approached this element of your therapy. It's too authoritarian for my tastes and not the way I would spell respect. But that's me.

I guess the question is whether or not you can work within this new framework, because she's made it clear that this is her approach. On the upside, she has continued to keep communication open, so it hasn't been the cold shoulder that others on pc have gotten. That's one good thing.

I'm just really sorry you're hurting from something that she introduced. Hang in there.

[JaneTennison1]

I wonder, would it help more to see this T without touch or to find a new T who will offer comfort physically but not as much care?

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Imdon't see it as their right to change things unilaterally. I don't need anything from a therapist. I have a way in which the woman is useful, but my life goes on without her. I object to their arrogance when they pull these sorts of tricks.

This is where I disagree. It's absolutely their right to change things. It's our right not to continue with them if we don't like the change.

Certainly there are varying degrees of effectiveness with regards to introducing change, but there are always two people in any type of relationship and it is what it is to some extent.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

I wonder, would it help more to see this T without touch or to find a new T who will offer comfort physically but not as much care?

It, theoretically, is possible to find another with both parts of the equation. It is not either/or.

[JaneTennison1]

Originally Posted by stopdog

It, theoretically, is possible to find another with both parts of the equation. It is not either/or.

100% agree it is not either/or. Just pondering which is more important to the OP.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

This is where I disagree. It's absolutely their right to change things. It's our right not to continue with them if we don't like the change.

Certainly there are varying degrees of effectiveness with regards to introducing change, but there are always two people in any type of relationship and it is what it is to some extent.

The reason I do not see it as their right is because the therapist is doing it at the client. If "right" is what you are objecting to, change the word. But this sort of condescending authoritarian treatment of clients is wrong, I believe. And it is why I would leave.

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by stopdog

The reason I do not see it as their right is because the therapist is doing it at the client. If "right" is what you are objecting to, change the word. But this sort of condescending authoritarian treatment of clients is wrong, I believe. And it is why I would leave.

And I don't think the therapist is being condescending. :: shrugs ::

Like I said, the therapist can set the terms and we can leave it if we choose.

[stopdog]

and clients set terms also. They do need clients of some sort if they wish to make a living. If clients quit capitulating to auhoritarian therapists, the therapist will have to change.

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by stopdog

and clients set terms also. They do need clients of some sort if they wish to make a living.

I don't disagree that we have room to negotiate. And therapy is weird in the sense that clients aren't standard. Unless she's just sucking at her job left and right, I don't think her decision to redefine boundaries as she sees fit is really going to cause a whole lot of professional problems.

You and I have very different philosophies on things and approach therapy differently. I don't know that we'll reach any agreement on this point LOL.

[stopdog]

Well, OP, I hope it gets easier for you and that you figure out what to do on this.

[AllHeart]

How painful. I can understand why you feel the way you do. She should have made her boundaries and therapeutic processes perfectly clear to you before she even started with this. Now, it must feel like you have just had the rug pulled out from under you by someone you just learned to trust and feel safe with.

She herself states that, "Touch is incredibly powerful." Indeed it is. If someone you care about is in pain, and a comforting touch can help ease that pain in the moment, that touch needs to be given. For now, you still need her healing touch. In my opinion, your T is causing you more distress than teaching you how to cope.

Is she going to take away all of the "love" she was forcing on you just a couple of weeks ago, too? I'm sorry, but there are some things you just can't take away just like that. I do get her reasoning, but I do not get the seemingly abrubt cut-off. And without advanced warning! A T. of all people should know the damage these types of behaviors can cause when a person isn't prepared for it.

Whatever you do, do not give up therapy altogether. It is obvious you have made so much progress. As tough as it gets, you gotta keep going!

Did she discuss this with you before she started withdrawing affection? I think therapists should be honest about these things. Also letting you know in an email seems cruel. I am sorry. I hope you can work things out for the best.

I also find it manipulative to lure someone into trusting with touch and then decide that it feels right (to the therapist) for the individual to move on from that. It is disempowering to leave you out of the decision-making. My therapist knows she cannot do things without my noticing and having a say in it. We have a good relationship because of it, though, not in spite of it.

If you decide to continue—which I would totally understand because she has fostered a dependency—would you be able to ask her what the plan is for your ongoing texting and emailing and twice weekly sessions? Will those taper off and end as well? You do need to know these things, otherwise it's just putting all the power into her hands. I hope you can work this out and come out better for it.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by puzzle_bug1987

Did she discuss this with you before she started withdrawing affection? I think therapists should be honest about these things. Also letting you know in an email seems cruel. I am sorry. I hope you can work things out for the best.

No....after a couple weeks of noticing, I brought it up.

[Asiablue]

I think she sounds like she does have your best interests at heart but really withdrawing something from your therapy must be discussed to avoid this exact situation. A lot of therapists seem to make this same mistake.