Couch 121: An Intimate Chat.

Is the question "Do I deserve to be happy?" a melodramatic or attention-seeking one? I want to ask my T this but I feel like I am being a drama queen. Does it feel like that to you? Or would you feel this way?

I can tell you my experience with the word "deserve". I was taking a dbt class, and we had to fill in the blank, "i deserve ________". I was like, i never use this word in a positive way in reference to myself. Its more like, i deserve to get fired, i deserve to get yelled at, i deserve to be alone. That was kind of shocking to me.

So no, i dont think you are being a drama queen. I think you are coming into the light.

I also think of deserve as in I have done someting to earn the right to have something. As in "Do you deserve a hug?" used by mum and ex-h. i used to hate the hug lottery. my brother always won.

You are the sanest one in your family. So of course they don't approve.

Yes, you deserve to be happy.

Omg that's funny

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Hey couch I'm new here and posting my first post!

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Omg I'm feel the same way my family talk crap about me being not a perfect mother yet I'm like the sanest one in my family..it depressess me

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Hey couchies. Well, we went to the North Rim (Grand Canyon) today. It was kinda rainy, but I still got some awesome pictures. I went to a couple of places that were special to me and J. when we were there together 30 years ago. I can't believe it's been 30 years. In the car after we left, I opened up to h and was more emotionally vulnerable with him than ever before in our marriage. I told him so much about the J. stuff that I've been working on in therapy lately. He was very understanding and supportive and not judgemental at all and I am glad we talked about it. Anyway, here I am on the patio of the lodge with the canyon behind me. I fed my soul in a huge way today.

I don't think this is even close to being a "drama queen." Personally, I don't really think I deserve to be happy...but I have talked about my non-deservingness (? not a word i am sure) many times in therapy.
For eff's sake!!!!
YES! great way to put that, CE.

One last pic for today.

I think it is a very honest question - not melodramatic or attention-seeking. (And, I believe that yes, you DO deserve to be happy.) I ask my t questions like this too often. Even when I am doing really well and feel like indeed I do deserve to be happy, I can get tripped up in thinking that well maybe but.... some nameless, faceless "other" surely deserves it more so I shouldn't have it. She can get pretty firm with me when I start going off on one of those tangents.

I find that thinking in terms of what one deserves is maddening. Do people ever really get what they deserve? Some get more, some get less.

That said, in the absence of any objective determination of who deserves what, everyone deserves to be happy. Including everyone on the couch.

Thanks everyone. I feel like I over-react sometimes. I probably don't really but it feels like it. I told T i was weepy the other day and he said "Good. it helps to cry" I didn't cry I got that hot pricking feeling in my eyes. Apparently that is not classified as weepy.

I don't think it's melodramatic at all. I think it's a fascinating question--a difficult one, maybe a 'maddening' one, as ATAT said.

I asked my T this, once. He said something something "We all deserve to be happy" and something just lit on fire in my head.

"Do we, though?" I asked. "What have any of us ever done to deserve happiness?

He didn't have a very good answer. In fact, it really seemed to throw him--like he'd been telling this to clients (to himself?) for a decade or more and had never really thought about it, or like it was so self-evident the task of articulating why was just mind-blowing.

The one kind of cool thing he did do--many sessions later--was flip the question on its head--"Why would you deserve unhappiness?"

And then my mind was kind of blown. I'd never really thought about it--it just seemed self-evident. But every time I opened my mouth to answer the question, I felt completely ridiculous. I had no satisfactory answer to why I'd deserve unhappiness.

Anyway, even if you can't answer the question, "Do I deserve to be happy?" It doesn't therefore follow that you deserve to be unhappy. Which is what I realized that day.

It was a nice conversation. I think you should totally talk about it with your T.

Has anyone heard from JustShakey? Is she okay?

I've been wondering about JS too. Last login a month ago.

Shakey, if you're reading this, we could use some wine advice...

Everyone deserves to be happy no matter what

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I've been missing Shakey too, thinking of you, lady, hope you're well.

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went out today to try and get my mind out of itself and had a good time. it is so worth the feet pain

I suspended my Facebook account years ago - too much angst - but sometimes the site sends me emails trying to get me to log back on.

Today's email tells me I have a friend invitation...from No. 1. Talk about clueless.

H and I did a little hiking in Zion today, we are both bushed and heading for the hot tub. More pics to come later.

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I feel like something is wrong, when in fact very little is wrong and those tings don't really bother me.

But I have realised now that it is W who is having problems and I'm picking up on that.