[1stepatatime]

I'm having surgery this Friday ( nothing life threatening). I had my last session yesterday with my therapist. I emailed her ( as always after session.. and she is fine with email) and I asked her if she would miss me. Her response was " I understand the need behind your question and I will tolerate not answering your yes or no question instead I will remain by you by fielding, accepting and feeling the pushing energy".
I understand that my therapist wants me to FEEL the connection that we share and through that I might find the answer but seriously??? I'm about to go under the knife, I won't see her for almost a month, all I wanted to hear is " yes, I will miss you 1step". In relationship we share our feelings with those we are close to. And although this is not your typical relationship it is still a close relationship nonetheless. I don't see why in the world she can't say a simple yes, I will miss you... unless of course she won't miss me.. that, too has gone through my mind. Any thoughts are greatly appreciated.. thanks!!

What a convoluted answer! What the heck does that even mean? Sorry, it just sounds like such psychobabble. She probably means well, but it is an odd response.

Hope your surgery goes well. Even minor surgery is stressful.

[atisketatasket]

I'm confused by her answer, period. How does one "tolerate" not answering yes or no when one has chosen to do so oneself? Toleration is for things other people do. Also her energy statement reads that she's feeling the energy from you, not the other way around.

I guess I'd say, she did choose the harder, more "instructive" path, and also that is the kind of question people react badly to (me being one of them) - like they think the person should know that already.

Still, I would at least have said "hope the surgery goes well, looking forward to seeing you again when you're back on your feet."

If I were you, I'd be tempted to write back and say, "No, seriously. Will you miss me?"

[therapyishelping777]

That would super irritate me..

[mostlylurking]

Sometimes I wish T's would realize there are good times to be instructive and push us to grow, and then there are bad times, when instead they should just come off it and say "Of course I'll miss you, hope it all goes smoothly." Sheesh.

[1stepatatime]

[QUOTE=lolagrace;5321479]What a convoluted answer! What the heck does that even mean? Sorry, it just sounds like such psychobabble. She probably means well, but it is an odd response.

Hope your surgery goes well. Even minor surgery is stressful

Exactly, those were my thoughts when I read her response. I don't see the harm in a simple question such as that.. and by her not responding it causes me to wonder if perhaps she will not miss me.. oh well!
Thanks for your well wishes. : )

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

I'm confused by her answer, period. How does one "tolerate" not answering yes or no when one has chosen to do so oneself? Toleration is for things other people do. Also her energy statement reads that she's feeling the energy from you, not the other way around.

I guess I'd say, she did choose the harder, more "instructive" path, and also that is the kind of question people react badly to (me being one of them) - like they think the person should know that already.

Still, I would at least have said "hope the surgery goes well, looking forward to seeing you again when you're back on your feet."

If I were you, I'd be tempted to write back and say, "No, seriously. Will you miss me?"

Perhaps I should know the answer but I think it is just being human to want to hear " of course I'll miss you"... funny enough I was looking back at some old emails and low and behold I found an email where she told me that she would miss me, that it won't be the same while I'm gone. ( I was going on a vacation).. so not sure what has changed in our relationship. She did wish me well last night and for a speedy recovery. I love your suggestion for me to tell her " no, seriously .. will you miss me?" Lolololol. That's great!! I may just email that to her.. probably won't get anything back !

[Sarmas]

Originally Posted by 1stepatatime

I'm having surgery this Friday ( nothing life threatening). I had my last session yesterday with my therapist. I emailed her ( as always after session.. and she is fine with email) and I asked her if she would miss me. Her response was " I understand the need behind your question and I will tolerate not answering your yes or no question instead I will remain by you by fielding, accepting and feeling the pushing energy".
I understand that my therapist wants me to FEEL the connection that we share and through that I might find the answer but seriously??? I'm about to go under the knife, I won't see her for almost a month, all I wanted to hear is " yes, I will miss you 1step". In relationship we share our feelings with those we are close to. And although this is not your typical relationship it is still a close relationship nonetheless. I don't see why in the world she can't say a simple yes, I will miss you... unless of course she won't miss me.. that, too has gone through my mind. Any thoughts are greatly appreciated.. thanks!!

That doesn't even sound like English. Those are English words together in some form that means nothing. A straight answer with a yes or no would've been so much better.

These are the issues with a therapeutic relationship where our expectations might demand more than what Ts are willing to give. It's all about boundaries and boundaries are different for each T.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

Sometimes I wish T's would realize there are good times to be instructive and push us to grow, and then there are bad times, when instead they should just come off it and say "Of course I'll miss you, hope it all goes smoothly." Sheesh.

Thank you!!

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by Sarmas

That doesn't even sound like English. Those are English words together in some form that means nothing. A straight answer with a yes or no would've been so much better.

These are the issues with a therapeutic relationship where our expectations might demand more than what Ts are willing to give. It's all about boundaries and boundaries are different for each T.

Right.. the boundaries vary from therapist to therapist. But at the end of the day I can't see why in the world it would be so difficult to say yes, I will miss you.. .. or.. if she won't miss me , well that's another story. It just seems so ridiculous and petty.

[junkDNA]

My T has told me he misses me/will miss me a few times. I don't see what the big deal is abt that. Your Ts reponse would make me mad

[itisnt]

What a ridiculous response!
Personally, I'd bring the email response to your next session and read it to her and ask her if she even KNOWS what it means. It's downright silly and as someone else said, psychobabble!

Hope you have an easy go with the surgery. "Going under the knife" is never a minor thing.

[Sarmas]

Originally Posted by 1stepatatime

Right.. the boundaries vary from therapist to therapist. But at the end of the day I can't see why in the world it would be so difficult to say yes, I will miss you.. .. or.. if she won't miss me , well that's another story. It just seems so ridiculous and petty.

You're right. I think certain therapist refrain from verbalizing their feelings due to attachment, confusion, or other issues they might feel it may create. It's frustrating. What seems simple to us becomes a complicated issue.

Oh lord, what a strange response. I don't understand any of it 1step. It would leave me feeling angry. I asked a therapist before why she wouldn't say she liked a client even though she asked her every single session and her response was because the little child part wants reassurance and if I was to satisfy her the other grown up parts would be distrustful and angry with me because I can never be there for the little child as much as she wants me to, so I don't want to tease her. Instead I asked her to watch me very closely every week when I see her coming into her session, she could see my face and I was delighted to see her, soon the little girl parts learned to trust how we connected in session and were able to sense that she was very fond of her client, she used the word charmed by her.
I hope this helps you 1step. I hope your surgery goes well, take care x

[Teddy:)]

That response would do nothing to soothe me! You were merely asking for reassurance which I think is totally reasonable given you are having surgery (I hope it all goes well by the way)
I think you should explain to your t that although you appreciate her taking time to respond, you really just need to know yes or no! And explain how surgery doesn't happen everyday and you are worried and knowing this answer would greatly reassure you

[Myrto]

Her response is indeed very strange but at the same time, were you really prepared for a "no" response? My therapist has never and would never say she misses me and the reason is because she does NOT miss me. She told me this in so many words. Perhaps your therapist didn't want to lie. I know it sucks but it's the reality. Of course you were looking for reassurance and that's perfectly normal but clearly this was a boundary crossing for your therapist. Hope your surgery goes well.

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

She did respond to you, it just wasn't the response you wanted or hoped for. Sometimes I find it difficult to accept what people offer me-- it's easier to reject it as proof not I'm not worth the answer. But it has been useful to explore with my T how I feel when I don't get what I want from other people. In general, I find my relationships more open and satisfying when I don't try to control how other people respond.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by Myrto

Her response is indeed very strange but at the same time, were you really prepared for a "no" response? My therapist has never and would never say she misses me and the reason is because she does NOT miss me. She told me this in so many words. Perhaps your therapist didn't want to lie. I know it sucks but it's the reality. Of course you were looking for reassurance and that's perfectly normal but clearly this was a boundary crossing for your therapist. Hope your surgery goes well.

Same. I don't ask if my T will miss me because I already know the answer is no. And that's okay. I don't want her to miss me. I might want her to think about me especially if I was dealing with something serious like a surgery. But even with that, I wouldn't ask her if she'll think about me. I'd tell her to please keep me in your thoughts.

Good luck with your surgery!

[kecanoe]

I think she is saying that it is hard for her not to answer with a yes or no, but that she thinks that not doing so is the most helpful for you. I have no clue why she would think that would be helpful, but some ts have crazy ideas about what is and isn't helpful.

I would interpret it as it not being safe to ask those kinds of questions, but I tend to go to the "not safe" place. In fact, I don't think I ever will ask if t will miss me. I know all ts care about me, but I don't think they miss me the way that I miss them, if at all.

It was kind of a "Do these pants make my butt look big?" kind of question. No real safe answer: say "yes" and perhaps be lying or creating a transference problem; say "no" and anger the client. Perhaps a "I hope you surgery goes well. I look forward to seeing you when you return" answer would have been okay.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by therapyishelping777

That would super irritate me..

It really did. Honestly I sometimes wonder if therapy (long term) is healthy!

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

Sometimes I wish T's would realize there are good times to be instructive and push us to grow, and then there are bad times, when instead they should just come off it and say "Of course I'll miss you, hope it all goes smoothly." Sheesh.

Exactly, there are times where they need to get their heads out of their psych books and theories and try to be real , if only for a minute or two!

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

My T has told me he misses me/will miss me a few times. I don't see what the big deal is abt that. Your Ts reponse would make me mad

Right...it didn't feel like a big deal to me either.. apparently it was to her.

[Wonderfalls]

It's not a question I would ask my therapist; I wouldn't want to put him on the spot. But I have to say my therapist doesn't talk nonsense like that--ever--and I'd confront him if he did.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by itisnt

What a ridiculous response!
Personally, I'd bring the email response to your next session and read it to her and ask her if she even KNOWS what it means. It's downright silly and as someone else said, psychobabble!

Hope you have an easy go with the surgery. "Going under the knife" is never a minor thing.

Thank you for your well wishes, it is much appreciated : )
Who really knows what she meant.. it's difficult to interpret psychobabble! Lol